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Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941) Poster

Quotes

His Niece: We're falling 2,000 feet!

The Great Man: It's all right, dear. Don't start worrying 'til we get down 1,999. The last foot is dangerous.

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Waitress: And another thing. Don't be so free with your hands.

The Great Man: Listen, honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.

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The Great Man: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Waitress: You're as funny as a cry for help.

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The Great Man: You're about to fall heir to a kitten's stocking.

Heckler: What's a kitten's stocking?

The Great Man: A sock on the puss.

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The Great Man: How'd you like to hide the egg and gurgitate a few saucers of mocha java?

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Receptionist: Some day you'll drown in a vat of whiskey!

The Great Man: Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death, where is thy sting?

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The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!

Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?

The Great Man: No, I couldn't stand the noise!

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The Great Man: [Discussing his proposed script] In a circus scene you wear a beard.

The Producer's Wife, Mrs. Pangborn: I wear a beard?

The Great Man: Yeah, a small beard - a van dyke. Just a little... You know what a van dyke is, don't you?

The Producer's Wife, Mrs. Pangborn: I certainly do!

The Great Man: Ooh.

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The Great Man: Do you want to grow up and be dumb like Zasu Pitts?

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The Great Man: Oh, for a Maxwell parachute!

Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: What's a Maxwell parachute?

The Great Man: Good until the last drop, dear.

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Waitress: [to the Great Man] You're as funny as a cry for help! You also pulled that old gag about breaking your fork in the gravy!

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The Great Man: [Sitting at a luncheonette table] I don't know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

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Mrs. Hemogloben: Oh, you're so full of romance!

The Great Man: Every night, every night.

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Huge Turk: I didn't sleep well last night.

The Great Man: You didn't, eh?

Huge Turk: I'm troubled with insomnia.

The Great Man: Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it.

Huge Turk: Yeah?

The Great Man: Get plenty of sleep.

Huge Turk: Sleep, unh?

The Great Man: That's what a doctor told me, heh, heh.

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Waitress: You know, there's something awfully big about you.

The Great Man: Hunh-huh. Thank you, dear, thank you, dear, thaank...

Waitress: [Interrupting] Your nose!

Waitress: [after she turns her back to him, he stares at her derriere] Something awfully big about you too!

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His Niece: Why didn't you ever marry?

The Great Man: I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

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The Producer: This script is an insult to a man's intelligence. Even mine.

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The Great Man: Suffering sciatica! Last time is was pink elephants.

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The Great Man: [in the soda fountain] I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.

[to the camera]

The Great Man: This scene's supposed to be in a saloon but the censor cut it out. It'll play just as well this way.

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Motorcycle Cop: Where do you think you're going, to a fire?

The Great Man: Ah... Ah... maternity hospital.

Motorcycle Cop: Okay, Tomato-Puss, follow me.

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His Niece: [as things turn into chaos, at Fields' instigation, shaking her head] My uncle Bill...

[then, resolute]

His Niece: But I still love him!

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Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Do you think he drinks?

Mrs. Hemogloben: He didn't get that nose from playing ping-pong.

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Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: Are you really a man?

The Great Man: Well, I've been called other things...

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The Great Man: Have, uh, you any imported cigars?

Waitress: 'Stingeroos', four for a nickel.

The Great Man: Oh, that's fine. As long as they're imported.

[she holds out box of cigars, he takes four]

The Great Man: You know, if anybody ever comes in here and gives you a ten dollar tip... uh, scrutinize it carefully. There's a lot of that counterfeit money going around.

[she holds out her hand for the money for the cigars]

The Great Man: I'll give you the dough. Don't...

[puts a coin in her hand]

The Great Man: Here... there.

Waitress: If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies, I'll know where they came from

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Ouliotta Delight Hemogloben: The only game I've ever played is bean-bag.

The Great Man: Bean-bag... ah, it's very good. Becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris; many people were killed.

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[they're in the basket trying to figure out how to get it pulled up to the mountaintop - a rock falls on his head]

His Niece: Did it hurt you, uncle?

The Great Man: No... how could a rock dropping from a thousand feet hurt your head?

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The Great Man: [to an Englishman who has a limp in his walk] Whatsa matter? Did you sprain your ankle?

Bitten Englishman: No, no, no. A dog bit, bit me.

The Great Man: Oh.

Bitten Englishman: Yeah, I was playing, uh, croquet and I, and I dropped my mallet. And, uh, a little dachshund ran straight out and uh, and, and grabbed me by the fetlock.

[Bending over to point to his ankle]

The Great Man: Oh.

[Looking BEHIND him in the bent-over position]

The Great Man: Rather fortunate it wasn't a Newfoundland dog that bit you.

Bitten Englishman: Uh, yes, rahther.

The Great Man: Yeah.

Bitten Englishman: I suppose so.

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The Great Man: Godfrey Daniel!

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His Niece: [Last Lines] My Uncle Bill. But I still love him.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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