The Lady Eve (1941)
Jean Harrington: I need him like the ax needs the turkey.
Jean Harrington: [while observing Charles Pike from her pocket mirror] Not good enough.
"Colonel" Harrington: What'd you say?
Jean Harrington: I said they're not good enough for him. Every Jane in the room is giving him the thermometer and he feels they're just a waste of time. He's returning to his book; he's deeply immersed in it. He sees no one except - watch his head turn when that kid goes by. Won't do ya any good, dear - he's a bookworm - but swing 'em anyway. Oh, now how about this one. How'd you like THAT hanging on your Christmas tree? Oh, you wouldn't? Well, what is your weakness, brother? Holy smoke, the dropped kerchief! That hasn't been used since Lily Langtry. You'll have to pick it up yourself, madam. It's a shame, but he doesn't care for the flesh. He'll never see it. Look at that girl over to his left. Look over to your left, bookworm. There's a girl pining for ya. A little further. Just a little further... There! Wasn't that worth looking for? See those nice store teeth all beaming at you. Oh, she recognizes you! She's up, she's down, she can't make up her mind. She's up again. She recognizes you! She's coming over to speak to you. The suspense is killing me. "Why, for heaven's sake, aren't you Fuzzy Oathammer I went to manual training school with in Louisville? Oh, you're not? Well, you certainly look exactly like him, it's certainly a remarkable resemblance... But if you're not going to ask me to sit down, I suppose you're not going to ask me to sit down... I'm very sorry, I certainly hope I haven't caused you any embarrassment, you so and so." "I wonder if my tie's on straight. I certainly upset them, don't I? Now who else is after me?" Ah, the lady champion wrestler, wouldn't she make a houseful? Oh, you don't like her either. Well, what are you going to do about her? Oh, you just can't stand it anymore, you're leaving. These women don't give you a moment's peace, do they? Well, go ahead! Go sulk in your cabin. Go soak your head and see if I care!
Jean Harrington: Boy, would I like to see you givin' some old harpie the three in one!
"Colonel" Harrington: Don't be vulgar, Jean. Let us be crooked, but never common.
Charles Pike: A girl of sixteen's practically an idiot anyway, so I can't very well blame you for something that was practically done by somebody else.
Charles Pike: And I have no right to be in your cabin.
Jean Harrington: Why?
Charles Pike: I'm married.
Jean Harrington: But so am I, darling. So am I.
Charles Pike: [unaware he has been targeted by a gang of card sharks] Have you seen this one?
[performs childish sleight-of-hand trick]
Jean Harrington: Look, he does card tricks!
Muggsy: [squeezing himself quietly out of the honeymoon cabin] Positively the same dame!
Charles Pike: You ought to put handles on that skull. Maybe you could grow geraniums in it.
Charles Pike: Do you think they're dancing anyplace on board?
Jean Harrington: Don't you think we ought to go to bed?
Charles Pike: You're certainly a funny girl for anybody to meet who's just been up the Amazon for a year.
Jean Harrington: Good thing you weren't up there two years.
Jean Harrington: You see, Hopsi, you don't know very much about girls. The best ones aren't as good as you probably think they are and the bad ones aren't as bad. Not nearly as bad.
Charles Pike: What I am trying to say is - only I'm not a poet, I'm an ophiologist - I've always loved you. I mean, I've never loved anyone but you.
Jean Harrington: Do you know Charles?
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Oh, is he the tall backward boy who's always toying with toads and things? Yes, I think I have seen him skulking about.
Jean Harrington: He isn't backwards. He's a scientist.
Sir Alfred McGlennan Keith: Oh, is that what it is? I knew he was... peculiar.
Jean Harrington: I don't see why I have to do all the dirty work. There must be plenty of rich old dames just waiting for you to push 'em around.
"Colonel" Harrington: You find 'em, I'll push 'em.
Third Steward: Good morning, sir. Fruit, cereal, bacon and eggs, eggs and sausage, sausage and hot cakes, hot cakes and ham, ham and eggs, eggs and bacon, bacon and...
Muggsy: Gimme a spoonful of milk, a raw pigeon's egg, and four houseflies. If you can't catch any, I'll settle for a cockroach.
Charles Pike: Snakes are my life, in a way.
Jean Harrington: What a life!
Jean Harrington: What were you doing up the Amazon?
Charles Pike: Looking for snakes. I'm an ophiologist.
Jean Harrington: I thought you were in the beer business.
Charles Pike: Beer? Ale!
Jean Harrington: What's the difference?
Charles Pike: Between beer and ale?
Jean Harrington: Yes.
Charles Pike: My father'd burst a blood vessel if he heard you say that. There's a big difference. Ale's sort of fermented on the top or something, and beer's fermented on the bottom, or maybe it's the other way around. There's no similarity at all. You see, the trouble with being descended from a brewer, no matter how long ago he brewed it, or whatever you call it, you're supposed to know all about something you don't give a hoot about.
Steward: Breakfast, sir?
Charles Pike: What'd you say?
Steward: I said, "Breakfast, sir?"
Charles Pike: Two scotch and sodas with plain water. You take it plain, don't you?
Jean Harrington: Don't you take cream and sugar?
Charles Pike: No, I always drink it black.
Charles Pike: Say, what am I talking about?
Jean Harrington: That's what I was wondering.
Steward: How about a nice bicarbonate of soda with an egg in it? It does wonders!
Jean Harrington: They say a moonlit deck is a woman's business office.
Gerald: What I can't understand is how he finished fifth!
Jean Harrington: There were only five horses in the race. What do you expect when you bet on a goat called "After You?"
Gerald: D'you want the strippers on the right or the left
"Colonel" Harrington: I hardly need them, Gerald. I can take this boy with a deck of visiting cards.
Charles Pike: [speaking of card playing] Now you, on the other hand, with a little coaching you could be terrific.
Jean Harrington: Do you really think so?
Charles Pike: Yes, you have a definite nose.
Jean Harrington: Well, I'm glad you like it. Do you like any of the rest of me?
Lawyer at Phone in Pike's Office: But he says she says she won't have anything to do with lawyers.
Lawyer: That's entirely irregular!
Horace Pike: Well, it's a thought!
Jean Harrington: [in her Eve personae] Naturally I was frightfully anxious to see Unlce Alfred, and as I didn't know just where Connecticut was, I took the tube.
Horace Pike: [the crowd laughs] The subway.
Jean Harrington: And to the official, I said, "Be so good as to let me off at Connecticut." You see, I thought we'd have the boxes sent up in a dray later that afternoon.
Horace Pike: The what?
Bartender at Pike's Party: Trunks on a truck.
[the crowd laughs]
Jean Harrington: So he said, "Lady, I don't know where Connecticut is, but this train goes to Harlem."
[the crowd laughs]
Jean Harrington: But I don't know how he knew I was a Lady!
[the crowd laughs]
Jean Harrington: [spotting Charles] Oh, there he is!
Charles Pike: [entering back among the party guests] I had to change my coat.
Horace Pike: Well, don't knock the table over.
Charles Pike: There's just one thing. I feel it's only fair to tell you. It'd never of happened except she looked so exactly like you.
Charles Pike: [sniffs] Holy Moses!
Jean Harrington: What's the matter?
Charles Pike: That perfume!
Jean Harrington: What's the matter with it?
Charles Pike: Well, it's just that I've been up the Amazon for a year and they don't use perfume.
Jean Harrington: Don't you like my perfume?
Charles Pike: Like it? I'm cockeyed on it.
Jean Harrington: Why, Hopsi, you aught to be kept in a cage.
Jean Harrington: [snuggling happily] Oh, you don't know what you've done to me.
Charles Pike: [worried] Terribly sorry.
Jean Harrington: Oh, that's all right.
[Jean screams upon waking]
"Colonel" Harrington: [rushing in] What's 'e matter?
Jean Harrington: Oh, I'm sorry. That slimy snake! I've been dreaming about him all night.
"Colonel" Harrington: You mean Pike?
Muggsy: I wanna ask you a hypo-thermical question.
Mr. Clink - Purser: Maybe that would be better to ask the doctor.
Muggsy: Never mind the wisecracks.
Muggsy: You don't happen to be a mouthpiece, do you? You talk like a law school.
"Colonel" Harrington: Are you really in love with this mug?
Jean Harrington: Uh-huh.
"Colonel" Harrington: Don't you think it a little bit dangerous? I don't mean for us, I mean for your heart. They're apt to be slightly narrow-minded, the righteous people.
Jean Harrington: [in her Eve personae] You go upstairs and take a bath and I'll like you just as much as ever.
"Colonel" Harrington: Ah, there you are. Well, it certainly took you long enough to come back in the same outfit.
Jean Harrington: I'm lucky to have this on. Mr Pike has been up the river for a year.