Saps at Sea (1940)
Oliver Hardy: Dinner! Oh, Mr. Nick? Dinner is served.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [enters and sits down] Well... looks good
[smells the fake dinner]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: smells good, and I better it probably tastes good.
Oliver Hardy: Oh, you're going to like this. It's just like mother used to make.
Stanley Laurel: Oh, it's better than that.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [grins] Well, if it's that good,
[puts dinner on two plates and gives one to Stan, one to Ollie]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: you eat it.
Stan\Ollie: [look back dumb founded]
Stanley Laurel: [still dumbstruck] I beg your pardon?
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [takes gun out] You heard me! I said eat!
Oliver Hardy: [hands fork over to Stan] Here! I can wait.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [hands Ollie a second fork] Here you go, Dizzy.
Oliver Hardy: [takes it and replies very weakly] Thank you.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [grins] You're welcome.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: Just like mother used to make, eh, Dopey?
Stanley Laurel: [nods weakly]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: Only better, right, Dizzy?
Oliver Hardy: [nods weakly]
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [smirks] Have a meatball, Dizzy.
Oliver Hardy: [very weakly] Thank you.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [smirking] You're welcome.
Oliver Hardy: [shows horn] What's the idea of bring this along?
Stanley Laurel: Oh, my professor said, if I don't practice I might lose my lip.
Oliver Hardy: Uh-huh, and if you do practice, you'll lose your neck.
Mrs. O'Riley: [rings Oliver's apartment doorbell]
Oliver Hardy: [inside the bell rings, blows off the wall and hits Ollie in the head] Ooh!
Oliver Hardy: See who that is!
Mrs. O'Riley: Having trouble, Mr. Hardy?
Oliver Hardy: Trouble? Well, the room's all topsy turvy.
Mrs. O'Riley: Well, just have a look at mine.
Oliver Hardy: [follows her into the apartment] All right.
Mrs. O'Riley: I don't know what happened, I just went to my fridge this morning, and look what happened!
[opens it, and music starts playing. She shuts it after a moment]
Mrs. O'Riley: And that's not all, just have a look at the radio.
[points to it, where it is covered with frost]
Oliver Hardy: Oh! Well, I'll give that guy a piece of your mind too.
Desk Clerk: [calling Oliver's room] Mr. Laurel? There's a Professor O'Brien here to see you.
Stanley Laurel: Oh, that's swell! You know, he's been expecting me.
Oliver Hardy: Well, here's another nice bucket of suds you've pickled me in!
Oliver Hardy: [Referring to the ice bag] What have you got in this?
Stanley Laurel: Nothing.
Oliver Hardy: Well, what good is an ice bag without any ice?
Stanley Laurel: Well, we haven't any ice.
Oliver Hardy: [Exasperated] Well, go put some cold water in it, so I can put it on my... head.
Stanley Laurel: [Bewildered] Well, I didn't know.
Oliver Hardy: Who was it?
Stanley Laurel: It was the doctor.
Oliver Hardy: [Annoyed] Well, what did he say?
Stanley Laurel: He said he'd be up here in about a quarter of an hour or fifteen minutes, as quick as he can get here.
Stanley Laurel: [to Ollie] You know, your nerves are getting to look better already.
Nick Grainger, Escaped Convict: [to Stan and Ollie] Excuse me, jitterbugs. Where you heading for?
Harbor Patrol Captain: [at the jail after Hardy beats him up] What cell is Nick Grainger in?
Harbor Patrol Captain: Well, here's two more for him.
Oliver Hardy: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into...
Stanley Laurel: But I couldn't help it...
[cries, fade out]
Oliver Hardy: [to Stan, feeling crazed from the incessant deafening cacophony of the brass instruments and Klaxon horns blasting off all around him, and unable to understand why Stan seems so calm and unaffected] Doesn't this noise BOTHUH you?
Stanley Laurel: [off-handedly] No, it doesn't... it just goes in this ear and out of the other one. Doesn't bother me a bit.
[lifts the trumpet he was working on and blows loudly through it]
Stanley Laurel: Hawwwwwnnnnkkkk!
Stanley Laurel: Say, by the way, you haven't had any goat's milk
Oliver Hardy: I'm glad you reminded me.
Stanley Laurel: I'm glad I did too.
Oliver Hardy: Get me some.
Stanley Laurel: I will. It's a good thing for your nerves and that's what you need right now.
[gets up, causing the table to swerve and bump Ollie; Stan returns with a cup]
Stanley Laurel: How much milk do you want?
Oliver Hardy: That will be plenty.
Stanley Laurel: Okay.
Oliver Hardy: By the way, you know how to milk a goat, don't you?
Stanley Laurel: Sure, just the same as milking a cow. You hold the cup in this hand
[holds it in his left]
Stanley Laurel: And you take the other hand by the tail
Stanley Laurel: And you go like that.
[makes an up and down pumping motion]
Stanley Laurel: 'Course, if you're lefthanded, you hold the cup in the other hand. But I always hold it in this hand...
Oliver Hardy: [takes the cup from Stan and stands up] "Hold the tail in that hand."
[imitates Stan's pumping motion]
Oliver Hardy: Such ignorance.
Stanley Laurel: [reading Ollie a bedtime story] Oh, here's a good one. This ought to send you to sleep. Listen: "Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, to get her poor dog a bone. But when she came there, the cupboard was bare, and so the poor dog had none." Poor dog. "She went to the bakers to buy him some bread, but when she came back, the poor dog was..." Ah, gee. "She took a clean dish to get him some tripe, but when she came back, he was smoking her pipe."
Stanley Laurel: How can a dead dog smoke...?
[sees Ollie has fallen asleep]
Oliver Hardy: Don't you realize the effect the sound of a horn has on me? It makes me fighting mad. In fact, it gives me the urge to kill. I could take a body and break it in two and throw it. The very thought of it makes me tremble all over!
Stanley Laurel: Well I wouldn't get excited...
Oliver Hardy: WHO'S EXCITED?
Oliver Hardy: Well, here's another nice bucket of suds you got me into.
Stanley Laurel: I couldn't help it, Dizzy.
Oliver Hardy: What do you mean you couldn't help... and don't call me Dizzy, Dopey! It was your idea to get us on this boat. I'll never listen to another idea of yours as long as I live. And if I ever get out of this, I'll use my own judgment from then on.
Stanley Laurel: Well what are we going to do about something to eat?
Oliver Hardy: There's only one thing to do: fake it.
Stanley Laurel: What do you mean fake it?
Oliver Hardy: We'll serve him a synthetic meal.
Stanley Laurel: But we haven't got anything.
Oliver Hardy: You don't understand. We'll substitute things. For instance, we'll uh... we'll use this string for spaghetti, and-and we'll use this soap for grated cheese and so on and so on.
Stanley Laurel: But he can't eat that, it'll poison him.
Oliver Hardy: So what? If we don't get Old Nick, Nick Junior will get us.
[makes his hand into the shape of a gun to illustrate]
Stanley Laurel: You're right, Ollie. Self-reservation is the last law of... average.
Oliver Hardy: Dopey, you amaze me.
Stanley Laurel: Thank you, Dizzy. I get an idea...
Oliver Hardy: [shoves him off] Go ahead and fix the fire.
Stanley Laurel: What'll we use for tomato sauce?
Oliver Hardy: Look around and see if you can find anything that looks like it.
Stanley Laurel: How about this red paint?
Oliver Hardy: Perfect. Heat it up.
Stanley Laurel: Say, can you use this sponge for anything?
Oliver Hardy: Yeah, we can cut it up and use it for meatballs.
Oliver Hardy: You can talk from now until Doomsday, but you're not gonna get me on the ocean. Hornamania or no Hornamania.
Harbor Patrol Captain: Do you two realize you've got a nice reward coming to you for this?
Oliver Hardy: What do you mean 'we two'? I'M going to get the reward.
Harbor Patrol Captain: Well aren't you gonna split it?
Stanley Laurel: Certainly not. He's going to treat me right, aren't you, Ollie?
Oliver Hardy: Why certainly.
Stanley Laurel: And take care of me.