Comrade X (1940)
Vanya: The communists have ideas. But they found out you can't run a government with everybody going around having ideas. So what is happening, the communists are being executed so that Communism should succeed.
Mac Thompson: You can't have a revolution in a country where the people love hot dogs and boogie-woogie.
Mac Thompson: What, uh, what are they singing?
Vanya: Same thing they always sing in prison: "We are Free."
Mac Thompson: I, uh, I got a confession to make. I lied to you.
Theodora: What about?
Mac Thompson: The USA. It ain't a spiritual desert. Say, it's pie a la mode, two-pants suits and the home of the brave, Pike's Peak and Coney Island.
Mac Thompson: You're just like all the other Russians I know. They're hanging upside down from chandeliers throwing rocks at each other and for a penny they'll set fire to their pants.
Opening title: [Prologue] Russia: The never never land of steppes, samovars, and spies - beards, bears, bombs, and borscht - where anything can happen - and usually does.
Jane Wilson: Probably the government's decided that from now on all foreign correspondents must be blindfolded and lead around by seeing-eye dogs.
British World Press Attendee: Ha-ha-ha.
Jane Wilson: 'Anything to keep the truth out' is their motto.
Emil Von Hofer: Please, Miss Wilson, do not speak for me. I am not complaining against the Russian government.
Jane Wilson: My dear Van Hofer, a German journalist is not in the position of complaining against the absence of truth anywhere.
British World Press Attendee: Quite you are, Miss!
Emil Von Hofer: [Offended] Excuse me!
British World Press Attendee: With pleasure, old boy.
Vanya: Excuse me, Mr. Thompson, how soon can I talk to you alone?
Mac Thompson: You'll have to wait until we're alone, Vanya.
Theodora: Why did you do this to me, Mac?
Mac Thompson: Why does a man lie to a woman?... because he loves her.
Jane Wilson: You can trust me, Mac. I won't let on to the bride what a rat you are. That she must find out for herself!
Theodora: [to Mac] You are the first American I have ever met with a soul. It has a strange effect on me.
Mac Thompson: [referring to Vanya] If he's Comrade X, I'll eat the kremlin without sauce!
Mac Thompson: Ever hear of the Brooklyn Dodgers?
Mac Thompson: They get murdered every day.
Theodora: Murdered? What for?
Mac Thompson: For making some little errors.
Theodora: There must be a revolution soon in America.
Mac Thompson: No, you can't have a revolution with people who believe in hot dogs and boogie woogie.
Vanya: Well, there's some good news and some bad news. Last week all the towels were stolen. But on the other hand the water wasn't running so nobody needed the towels. Everything balances.
Mac Thompson: Hello, honeybun. Miss me?
Jane Wilson: No, I can always go to the zoo when you're away.
Mac Thompson: Oh, I've got rivals, huh?
Theodora: [describing the crew of the Russian tank] Pilot, co-pilot, co-copilot, co-co-co-pilot.
Michael Bastakoff: [Referring to the assassination of his predecessor] How quickly fortune changes when we help it a little!
Mac Thompson: [Sarcastically to Theodore and her father] You know, it's gonna be kinda tough to surrender to these people. You got to catch 'em first.
Mac Thompson: Yes? What's that? Germany has what? Tanks, huh? When? I see. Thanks.
[hangs up and turns to the others in the room:]
Mac Thompson: Germany has just declared war on Russia! Ten tank division just moved into the Ukraine!
[This event actually happened seven months later]
Jane Wilson: A fine world press we are. We can't even send out a weather report without having it censored.
Vasiliev: Comrade X is still alive! And defying the censorship of the Soviet. He's still sending out false stories! He's still photographing forbidden places! And his malicious writings are still being broadcast all over the world! This situation must be stopped! Until the real Comrade X is found, every member of the foreign press will be treated as a potential enemy of the government!
Mac Thompson: I'm sorry, Mr. Thompson, there is no key for you. The hotel is filled. Your room is now occupied.
Comrade Baronoff - Hotel Manager: Oh, it is? A lady?
Mac Thompson: No, sir.
Comrade Baronoff - Hotel Manager: Well, then, throw him out!
Comrade Baronoff - Hotel Manager: Please, the gentleman occupying your room is Herr Von Hofer of the German News Agency. He used pressure from the Kremlin.
Mac Thompson: Hoffer! Good old, Hofer! Why didn't you say so? Why, we're old pals! It'll be fun bunking in with old pretzel-head Hofer.
Comrade Baronoff - Hotel Manager: You're sure they'll be no trouble?
Mac Thompson: Trouble? We're practically honeymooners!
Mac Thompson: Listen, this is important. I want the waiter to bring me up: one bottle of brandy, one bottle of vodka, two cucumbers, three raw eggs, and a small bottle of tabasco. Right away! Delay will be fatal.
Emil Von Hofer: Mr. Thompson, this is my room and I must ask you to vacate, if you please!
Mac Thompson: Now, that's a fine way to talk. I get this room, I fix it up, I pay for it in advance and I live in it. And you march in and try to throw me out. Now, is that a nice way for a Nazi to act, I ask you?
Mac Thompson: What's your name?
Mac Thompson: Okay, Olga, you can curl up in the fireplace. That's Russian. Everybody shares everything.
Jane Wilson: Hey, you really missed something at the Kremlin this morning, Mac.
Mac Thompson: Yeah, how is the old Kremlin?
Jane Wilson: Same old rat trap. Full of stuffed shirts, double-crossing the masses. Someday the people are gonna get wise and take it apart brick-by-brick.
Mac Thompson: Face the facts, baby, there ain't no news in Russia.
Jane Wilson: Okay, Mac, I never minded anything you did. Not even when you walked out on me in Tokyo for a bow-legged geisha girl.
Mac Thompson: She loved me!
Jane Wilson: Oh, I just can't get used to you as a no-good, incompetent party boy!
Mac Thompson: Germany just declared war on Russia! Ten tank divisions just moved into the Ukraine. And sniffle-puss, there, never told us a word about it!
Emil Von Hofer: Who was that speaking?
Mac Thompson: American Embassy!
Emil Von Hofer: Liebe Himmler!
Comrade Baronoff - Hotel Manager: German dog, out!
Emil Von Hofer: Get your hands off me, you Russian dog!
Mac Thompson: You're not a bad looking girl, are you? Let's get a better look at you?
[Mac removes Olga's glasses]
Olga: My glasses, please, Mr. Thompson.
Mac Thompson: You won't need glasses for this. How 'bout a drink to cement a beautiful friendship?
Olga: You're going a little bit too fast for me, Mr. Thompson.
Mac Thompson: The five year plan is all right for certain things; but, not for this.
Olga: I like it! I can't see any cucumbers.
Mac Thompson: You'll see them in a minute.
Olga: I love Americans the best!
Olga: Russia is better! Why you ask? Because Russia has a soul! And what is this soul? It is suffering! It's beauty. You don't understand! You never suffer! Comrade, I want some more borscht!
Vanya: Excuse me, I don't want her to hear what I got to say. She's a spy.
Mac Thompson: Yeah, I know. Everybodies a spy. That's why I like you. You're too dumb to be a spy.
Vanya: Thank you.
Mac Thompson: Tell him that MacKinley B. Thompson is the biggest horse's neck that ever had a can tied to his tail.
Theodora: My name is Theodore!
Mac Thompson: You don't look like Theodore to me.
Theodora: I was named at the Workers Council.
Mac Thompson: Somebody didn't have his glasses on.
Theodora: It is not glasses, it is the law. Streetcars must be driven by males. That's why they change me.
Mac Thompson: I'm glad they didn't graft a beard on you!
Theodora: The problem of taking away the masses away from the boogie boogie is a difficult one.
Mac Thompson: You know what's been wrong with Communist propaganda in America?
Theodora: What can be wrong with it?
Mac Thompson: Too many cross-eyed people with whiskers peddling it.
Theodora: Oh, you mean intellectuals.
Mac Thompson: That's right. Comrade, it's an inspiration!
Theodora: What is?
Mac Thompson: On beautiful girl with a smile of an angel, whispering, "I love Russia." It's worth a whole wagon load of intellectuals.
Mac Thompson: A woman like you could use her beauty. Not to enslave fools, but, to set men free.
Mac Thompson: American men are usually all alike. All interested in only one thing.
Mac Thompson: Oh, worst than that. The rights of the masses mean nothing to them.
Theodora: Like animals - without souls.
Mac Thompson: Why, over there, men look on women as just toys to have fun with! Nothing more! Not to exchange views on economics with and things like that.
Theodora: That's awful!
Theodora: We will walk.
Mac Thompson: To Moscow? That's seven miles!
Theodora: What does it matter? We have so much to talk about.
Mac Thompson: Okay, Theodore, just when where you figuring on this marriage?
Mac Thompson: Isn't it a little late?
Vanya: Oh, no, Mr. Thompson. That's all right. The Marriage Bureau keeps open until 1:00AM. Statistics show that people want to get married at night more than in the morning!
Theodora: Under the Soviet, marriage is the same as any place else.
Mac Thompson: Only shorter.
Theodora: It is like going into partnership with somebody and opening a store. If business is bad, store closes.
Mac Thompson: Charm, beauty, appeal! That's the way you're going to spread Communism in the new world. We both agreed on it. All right, here. Put this on.
[gives Theodora a nightgown]
Theodora: I am going to spread Communism in this?
Mac Thompson: Like a house afire. Now, go on. You've got a job to do, do it right!
Theodora: I'm obeying you blindly, Comrade.
Mac Thompson: Don't worry. I'm running this propaganda unit.
Mac Thompson: Yes, she's very smart.
Jane Wilson: To marry MacKinley B. Thompson, that's not smart, that's wizardry! Well, congratulations, my dear. I didn't think it could be done without a police warrant.
Theodora: You are a sweetheart?
Jane Wilson: Oh, relax honey. I'm one of the alumni.
Jane Wilson: Don't get nervous, honey. We're all safe inside this room. We can take our ideals out and play with them.
Jane Wilson: That is the lowest, dirtiest trick I ever heard of anyone playing - even on a wife!
Mac Thompson: Give me that key.
Theodora: Oh, no! You are going to have a talk with me. Right here! Right now!
Mac Thompson: I don't talk to ladies that start yelling. It's a rule I've got. Now, be a good girl and give me that key.
Mac Thompson: Don't be rough on her, pal, this is her bridal night and she's a little confused.
Vasiliev: Why are you leaving?
Mac Thompson: Well, I hate to say it Commissar, you'll just get sore.
Vasiliev: I've asked a question.
Mac Thompson: Okay. Now, no hard feelings, but, I'm kinda lonely to get back to good old USA. You know how it is. If you were stuck away in New York with nothing to do but see the Yankees play ball or stay up all night dancing in some hot spot, you'd get lonely for all this and want to get back to the Kremlin and the secret police. Well, that's the way I feel.
Theodora: What is love? An accident. Gorky says love is the failure of the mind to understand nature.
Vanya: Gorky Schmorky, I say you should be lying in a field of daisies and look where I have brought you.
Theodora: We are in the cell for the dead. Our time will come soon. Bastakoff will be proud of us.
Mac Thompson: Hey, listen, baby. You're two jumps ahead of a butterfly net, like nearly all the Russians I know. They've all blindfolded themselves and they're hanging from the chandeliers by their toes, throwing rocks at each other.
Mac Thompson: They're all a lot of political palookas playing at Halloween. And when you ask them what they're doing, they'll holler back, "Ideals." Well, I got a few ideals of my own, baby. And right now they tell me that you weren't meant to be a motorman or a pumpkin-head. You're a beautiful woman - and nobody's going to turn a machine gun on you, if I can help it. That's my politics!
Michael Bastakoff: I understand you know me, Mr. Thompson.
Mac Thompson: I had the pleasure of seeing you in your coffin, Mr. Bastakoff.
Michael Bastakoff: You are more naive than I expected, Mr. Thompson. But, one can never hope to meet a realist and an American at the same time.
Michael Bastakoff: Theodore - an idiot. Dangerously naive. It is such people who keep Russia in her idealistic rompers!
Vanya: Mr. Thompson, what is this? Why on earth are they going to shoot us in the street? Everybody else got shot in the Kremlin.
Theodora: You are telling me Bastakoff is a police commissar? No!
Mac Thompson: He ain't nothin' else, but, baby.
Vanya: Everybody loves Bastakoff. Bastakoff kills everybody. Everything balances.
Mac Thompson: I got a confession to make. I lied to you.
Theodora: What about?
Mac Thompson: The USA. It ain't a spiritual desert. Say, it's pie a la mode. Two pant suits and a home of the brave. Pike's Peak and Coney Island. And I told you wrong about the Brooklyn Dodgers. They finished in second place!