Ted Nickerson: [trying to impress the maid with a joke] A duck is a chicken with snowshoes.
Nancy Drew: And a halfwit is a person who spends half their time trying to be witty.
Ted Nickerson: [to Nancy] I can only hope you can keep up with me when I start retreatin'.
Captain Tweedy: Smitty, go down to the Turnbull house and put yourself on guard. Find anybody around there, throw 'em out.
Smitty, a Policeman: Single-handed?
Captain Tweedy: Oh, use both hands, I don't care.
Carson Drew: Here's a check for the butcher. Tell him he's been cutting the meat so thin lately it only has one side.
Effie Schneider, the Housekeeper: Yes sir, shall I tell him which side?
Ted Nickerson: [frustratedly] Some day I'm gonna get psychoanalyzed and find out why I'm such a dope.