Stan: Do you think your wife would mind if I smoked my pipe?
Oliver: Of course not. What's all right with me is okay with her.
Stan: I know, but a lot of dames are particular.
Oliver: Well yes, but... What do you mean calling my wife a dame?
Oliver: [running into the apartment from the hallway] It's my wife! You've got to hide!
Mrs. 'Toots' Gilbert: Oh, I can explain.
Oliver: Not in my pajamas you can't explain; you don't *know* my wife!
Stan: If you want me to go, I'll stay as long as you like.
Oliver: But, Dear, I haven't seen Stan in 20 years.
Mrs. Hardy: I couldn't see him in a hundred years.
Stan: How long did you say it would take us to get up there?
Oliver: Oh, just a jiffy.
Stan: How far is a jiffy?
Oliver: About three shakes of a dead lamb's tail.
Stan: I didn't think it was so far.
Oliver: [Ollie's house key, attached to his pants, is stuck in the lock, so to free Ollie, he had to remove his pants; Stan easily removes the key from the lock] Why didn't you tell me you had the key out of the lock?
Stan: Well, you didn't ask me.
Oliver: "You didn't ask me".
Stan: Gee, that's pretty underwear.
Oliver: Don't get personal.
Oliver: Ha ha ha! Come see my grandfather. My grandfather left. He said, "Hello, sugar!"
James, porter: [Responding after Hardy asks if there's anything in the newspaper] Here's a story about a fella who spent twenty years in the trenches and didn't know the war was over.
Oliver: [laughing] Really?
James, porter: Yeah; here's his picture
[shows Hardy the paper]
Oliver: [Looking at a photo of the grinning soldier] I can't imagine anybody being that dumb.
Oliver: [Realizes the grinning soldier is Stan; does a massive take and grabs the paper back from Morton; looks directly into the camera] Oh, yes I can.
Stan: No, you see, everybody thought I was dead. Didn't they?
Oliver: Um, hmm.
Lulu: How did you find out you weren't?
Mr. Gilbert: [Leers at Stan and Ollie] While the Cat's away the Rats will play huh? Listen, I know where we can find a couple of beautiful blondes!
Mrs. Hardy: [coming back from store] So you were only going to be gone an hour!
Stan: [to 901 guy] There's going to be a fight.
Stan: [to bypassers] There's going to be a fight.
Stan: [to guy going into apartment] Hey, there's going to be a fight.
Stan: [to desk guy] You better call an ambulance. It's going to be terrible. There's going to be a fight.
Oliver: Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?
Stan: Well, you didn't ask me... I've always had 'em...
Oliver: [sarcastically] You're better now...