Personal Property (1937)
Crystal Wetherby: And while we're asking so many questions, why were YOU sent to jail?
Raymond Dabney: Murder.
Crystal Wetherby: I wish it had been suicide!
Claude Dabney: Miss Briggs, how many years have you been making what for convenience I call my tea?
Miss Briggs: What's wrong with it this time, Mr. Dabney?
Claude Dabney: Why nothing... except that it tastes absolutely filthy.
Frank the Waiter: What shall it be sir, a dry martini?
Raymond Dabney: No, I think I'll have some whiskey, Frank. I'm a little depressed.
Frank the Waiter: Depressed? Well, don't drink whiskey, Mr. Raymond. Allow me to suggest a Champagne Cocktail. Drinks are like lifts, Mr. Raymond. Whiskey sends you down into the cellar and champagne up to the roof.
Raymond Dabney: Are you an old fool or an old philosopher, Frank?
Frank the Waiter: You have to be both, sir, to be a waiter.
Crystal Wetherby: Oh, I wish we could get rid of him.
Clara, Crystal's Maid: Would you like me to poison him, madam?
Crystal Wetherby: Oh, Clara, let's not be too enthusiastic.
Mrs. Burns: Catherine, dear, just where did we see "Ferguson" before? His face is so familiar.
Catherine Burns: Not to me it isn't.
Mrs. Burns: You never have any memory for faces.
Raymond Dabney: Could it have been in Cairo, Madam?
Mrs. Burns: Yes, of course, that's it. Cairo.
Catherine Burns: Just a minute, Mother, you've never been to Cairo.
Mrs. Burns: Oh, haven't I? I thought I had.
Raymond Dabney: Well, now that I think of it, I've never been to Cairo myself, Madam.
Mrs. Burns: That's funny. Have you ever been to Cairo, dear.
Catherine Burns: Not that I can remember, I haven't.
Mrs. Burns: Well, then, it can't have been in Cairo!
Catherine Burns: What a coincidence.
Raymond Dabney: It's a small world.
Mrs. Burns: We must get to the bottom of this, "Ferguson".
Raymond Dabney: By all means, Madam.
Claude Dabney: [First lines] I think I'm justified in saying that the Dabney line of women's hosiery and undergarments is second...
Miss Briggs: Second?
Claude Dabney: Second to none! - Underline second. - Underline none. - In the United Kingdom or the Empire, for that matter. If sales are falling - comma - and they are falling - comma - underline are - it is to you, as Sales Manager, that we look for an explanation.
Raymond Dabney: My crime wasn't so serious.
Cosgrove Dabney: Not so serious!
Raymond Dabney: Was it?
Cosgrove Dabney: To buy a motor car and sell it without having paid for it, not serious?
Raymond Dabney: You and Claude spend your whole lives buying woman's underwear on credit and immediately selling it!
Frank the Waiter: I have a little philosophy, sir. I borrowed it from the poet Browning. But, I improved it, sir, developed it a bit: Zest in quest. Keep going. Get somewhere.
Raymond Dabney: Going where? What's the quest?
Frank the Waiter: The quest is of no importance, sir. It's the zest that matters.
Raymond Dabney: Your face seems strangely familiar to me.
Crystal Wetherby: [Sternly] So do your manners!
Crystal Wetherby: [Doorbell ringing] Clara, this isn't a creditor.
Clara, Crystal's Maid: That's what you say, madam.
Crystal Wetherby: Well, will you please go answer the door?
Clara, Crystal's Maid: Is that an order, madam?
Crystal Wetherby: Yes it is, Clara.
Clara, Crystal's Maid: Oh, very well. Once more into the breach, dear friends.
Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: When you settle with him, he'll go. In the meanwhile, don't you worry. He's a gentleman, you can see. He has his orders. Treat him right and he'll treat you right. There you are... the man in possession.
Crystal Wetherby: Wait a minute. What do you mean? Man in possession? Man in possession of what? Me?
Raymond Dabney: Well, you see that the order...
Crystal Wetherby: Will you let me get a word in edge ways! Who are you anyway?
Raymond Dabney: Bailiff of the County...
Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: Eh, Sheriff's Officer, if you please.
Crystal Wetherby: Clara, do you think it's awful to marry for money?
Clara, Crystal's Maid: No, madam. Not for a lot of money.
Crystal Wetherby: You're very practical, aren't you.
Clara, Crystal's Maid: How did the late Mr. Wetherby pass on, madam?
Crystal Wetherby: Oh, eh, he used to love to fight.
Clara, Crystal's Maid: Oh, the fighting type. I've experienced them.
Crystal Wetherby: Yeah and he always one, except the last time he picked a tiger, a Bengal tiger.
Clara, Crystal's Maid: Hmmm. Kinda overmatched itself, as you might say.
Crystal Wetherby: Oh, definitely.
Raymond Dabney: I dare you'll hate me by tomorrow.
Crystal Wetherby: Well, I'm not exactly fond of you now.
Crystal Wetherby: Must you keep your eyes on me all the time?
Raymond Dabney: It's all in the line of duty and I love my work.
Raymond Dabney: As we see that though the late Mr. Wetherby's head was small, his feet were large.
Crystal Wetherby: Is that so. Well, with you, it's just the other way around.
Crystal Wetherby: Would you be good enough to shut the door.
Raymond Dabney: I already shut the door.
Crystal Wetherby: On your way out!
Raymond Dabney: Oh, you mean you'd rather I left.
Crystal Wetherby: I mean I'd rather you hadn't come at all.
Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: Oh, good morning, Ma'am. I just pop 'round to see if everything was shipshape.
Crystal Wetherby: Oh, is that so. Well everything is just as shipshape as it can be, whatever that means.
Herbert Jenkins, Bailiff: I'm sorry, Ma'am. Orders is orders. I'd oblige if I could but I can't.
Crystal Wetherby: All my real friends are as broke as I am and my family is in Des Moines, Iowa. Have you ever heard of Des Moines, Iowa?
Raymond Dabney: No. I haven't.
Crystal Wetherby: Well, that will give you a rough idea of where it is.
Claude Dabney: And don't be surprised, Mother, if Crystal seems a little outspoken. She doesn't mean it. She's American. And, well, you know what Americans are.
Catherine Burns: But, Crystal, darling, haven't you been well? You look so tired.
Crystal Wetherby: Oh, no, I've been all right. But, needless to say, you're the picture of health! You've gained, haven't you? It's very becoming though.
Catherine Burns: Tell me, have you always been a butler?
Raymond Dabney: Oh, yes, Madam, for generations.
Catherine Burns: Oh, I see. The family profession?
Raymond Dabney: Yes. Handed down from father to son.
Catherine Burns: How would you like to work in America?
Raymond Dabney: America?
Catherine Burns: Oh, yes. All the best American families have English butlers. They are sort of handed down from mother to daughter.
Mrs. Burns: What is your line, Mr. Dabney? It must be very interesting, I'm sure.
Claude Dabney: Me? Oh. I'm in ladies underwear.
Mrs. Burns: What?
Cosgrove Dabney: Well, we're both in ladies underwear.
Mrs. Burns: Really? How very odd.
Cosgrove Dabney: Supposing my broker says to me: now, this stock will go up! Or, this stock will go down. What do I say? I say to him: my dear fella, my business is ladies' underwear. And that does not go up and it does not go down. It stays just where it is.
Claude Dabney: If I go, I may not come back.
Crystal Wetherby: And if you don't go, I may not want you to come back.
Raymond Dabney: Now, let's see, after the wedding, you'll be able to pay the bill and I'll be able to go.
Crystal Wetherby: Go? Go where?
Raymond Dabney: Well, after all, you are going to be married, you know.
Crystal Wetherby: Well, yes.
Raymond Dabney: You don't want two men in possession, do you?
Raymond Dabney: As a matter of fact, I had the offer of a job today.
Crystal Wetherby: That's nice. Who from?
Raymond Dabney: I think its a rather a good job, too. It's in America.
Crystal Wetherby: Oh, Mrs. Burn's, by any chance?
Raymond Dabney: No. Miss Burns.
Crystal Wetherby: Miss Burns! Well of all the cheek!
Crystal Wetherby: Well it is just you and me and the flowers.
Raymond Dabney: And the trees.
Crystal Wetherby: And the bees.
Raymond Dabney: And the breeze.
Crystal Wetherby: And the birds.
Raymond Dabney: What kind of contest was this? Bathing beauties?
Crystal Wetherby: Well, it was sort of intellectual. What do you mean bathing beauties?
Raymond Dabney: Are you intellectual too?
Crystal Wetherby: Well, I had to think of a slogan for canned fish.
Raymond Dabney: A slogan for canned fish? What did you think of?
Crystal Wetherby: Would you really like to know?
Raymond Dabney: Certainly!
Crystal Wetherby: If you can't fish, canned fish.
Raymond Dabney: Then, you married Mr. Wetherby.
Crystal Wetherby: I think he married me. I wasn't really noticing.
Crystal Wetherby: What's your big idea?
Raymond Dabney: Simply this, I can't evaporate; but, I can cooperate - as part of my duties.
Crystal Wetherby: Well?
Raymond Dabney: I was thinking that I might butle for you.
Crystal Wetherby: Butle? Eh, what's butle?
Raymond Dabney: Well, that's the infinitive of butler. I butle. Thou butleist. He butles.
Crystal Wetherby: You mean you'd...
Raymond Dabney: Yes! I know something about wines and you saw this morning how I handle a tray. So, tonight I'll be the butler instead of the Sheriff's officer. What do you say?
Crystal Wetherby: What do I say? It's a grand idea!
Crystal Wetherby: [Doorbell rings] You better answer it. Eh, don't leave me here barefooted!