Oh, Mr. Porter! (1937)
Superintendent: It's a country station, rather off the beaten track.
William Porter: Oh, I don't mind, as long as it's near the railway.
[William Porter is wheel-tapping a train]
Managing director's wife: You may think me a little stupid but why do they tap them?
William Porter: Well, you see madam, it's like this. If I tap the wheel with this hammer and the wheel goes clang, then I know that the wheel's there.
Managing director: But supposing that the wheel doesn't go clang?
William Porter: Well, then I know that the train's gone!
Postman: You're wasting your time.
Porter: Well, what are you doing?
Postman: Just watching you wasting your time.
Jeremiah Harbottle: [pocket watch to ear, it having been flattened by a train, exclaims in surprise] It's stopped!
First irate farmer: [confronting the station master about a cancelled train] I've got a return to Dublin.
Second irate farmer: And I've got a single to Belfast.
Third irate farmer: And what am I going to do with my Cork.
Porter: [Opens his mouth to reply but thinks better of it and says nothing]
William Porter: Well, I can't give you the exact number at the moment.
William Porter: [pauses to think] But in rough figures I would say quite a lot.
William Porter: [sniffs] Is something burning somewhere?
Jeremiah Harbottle: That would be Albert, cooking the breakfast.
William Porter: Smells more like somebody cooking Albert.
William Porter: Albert. Who's Albert?
Jeremiah Harbottle: He comes in for me when I'm not here.
William Porter: Well, which is his clock?
Jeremiah Harbottle: [Jerry puts William's clock on the mantelpiece] He hasn't got a clock. He's still alive.
William Porter: [snatching clock] Hey, give me that back!
Jeremiah Harbottle: What? Aren't you go to put it with the others?
William Porter: What, amongst them? They're a lot of tombstones!
William Porter: [going into danger, reassuringly] I'm behind yer.
Jeremiah Harbottle: Do you want to go in front?
William Porter: No, I can see all right from here.
Signalman: [wanting to know if he can let a train through] Can I stick me signals up?
William Porter: Yes, if it'll give you any pleasure.
Mr. Trimbletow: Ther's a place in Ireland called Buggleskelly.
William Porter: That's nothing, there's a place in Wales called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.