Reporter: Say listen, is he working on a case?
Nora Charles: Yes, he is.
Reporter: What case?
Nora Charles: A case of scotch. Pitch in and help him.
Marion: I don't like crooks. And if I did like 'em, I wouldn't like crooks that are stool pigeons. And if I did like crooks that are stool pigeons, I still wouldn't like you.
Lieutenant John Guild: You got a pistol permit?
Nick Charles: No.
Lieutenant John Guild: Ever heard of the Sullivan Act?
Nora Charles: Oh, that's all right, we're married.
[On the motley group of guests present]
Nora Charles: Oh, Nicky, I love you because you know such lovely people.
Nora Charles: Waiter, will you serve the nuts? I mean, will you serve the guests the nuts?
Nick Charles: The important thing is the rhythm. Always have rhythm in your shaking. Now a Manhattan you shake to fox-trot time, a Bronx to two-step time, a dry martini you always shake to waltz time.
Nick Charles: How'd you like Grant's tomb?
Nora Charles: It's lovely. I'm having a copy made for you.
Nora Charles: Pretty girl.
Nick Charles: Yes. She's a very nice type.
Nora Charles: You got types?
Nick Charles: Only you, darling. Lanky brunettes with wicked jaws.
Nick Charles: I'm a hero. I was shot twice in the Tribune.
Nora Charles: I read where you were shot 5 times in the tabloids.
Nick Charles: It's not true. He didn't come anywhere near my tabloids.
Nick Charles: Oh, it's all right, Joe. It's all right. It's my dog. And, uh, my wife.
Nora Charles: Well you might have mentioned me first on the billing.
Nora Charles: You know, that sounds like an interesting case. Why don't you take it?
Nick Charles: I haven't the time. I'm much too busy seeing that you don't lose any of the money I married you for.
[the guests are finding their places to sit at the dinner table]
Mimi Jorgenson, the former Mrs. Wynant: I'm Mrs. Jorgenson!
Mrs. Jorgenson: Put it over there, sister. I was Mrs. Jorgenson before you were.
Tanner: Your daughter's here, Mr. Wynant. Mr. Wynant! Mr. Wynant!
Clyde Wynant, the thin man: Haven't you got any more sense than to shout at me like that?
Nora Charles: Nicky... Nicky, put Asta in here with me tonight.
Nick Charles: [chuckles] Oh, yeah?
[throws Asta in the other bunk]
Nora Charles: Take care of yourself
Nick Charles: Why, sure I will.
Nora Charles: Don't say it like that! Say it as if you meant it!
Nick Charles: Well, I do believe the little woman cares.
Nora Charles: I don't care! It's just that I'm used to you, that's all.
Nora Charles: All right! Go ahead! Go on! See if I care! But I thinks it's a dirty trick to bring me all the way to New York just to make a widow of me.
Nick Charles: You wouldn't be a widow long.
Nora Charles: You bet I wouldn't!
Nick Charles: Not with all your money...
Nick Charles: Say, how did you people happen to pop in here?
Lieutenant John Guild: We hear this is getting to be sort of a meeting place for the Wynant family, so we figured we'll stick around just in case the old boy himself should show up. Then we see this bird sneak in, we decide to come up. And lucky for you we did!
Nick Charles: Yes, I might not have been shot.
Nick Charles: Now don't make a move or that dog will tear you to shreds.
Nora Charles: Nick? Nicky?
Nick Charles: What?
Nora Charles: You asleep?
Nick Charles: Yes!
Nora Charles: Good. I want to talk to you.
Tommy: Say, I'm getting out of here.
Nick Charles: No, you stay here.
Tommy: If I stay, I know I'm gonna take a poke at him.
Nick Charles: Then I insist that you stay.
Nick Charles: Hey, would you mind putting that gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm a very timid fellow.
Nora Charles: You idiot!
Nick Charles: [to the gunman] Alright, shoot! I mean, uh, what's on your mind?
Nick Charles: Now my friends, if I may propose a little toast. Let us eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.
Nora Charles: You give such charming parties, Mr. Charles.
Nick Charles: Thank you, Mrs. Charles.
Nick Charles: Now how did you ever remember me?
Dorothy: Oh, you used to fascinate me. A real live detective. You used to tell me the most wonderful stories. Were they true?
Nick Charles: Probably not.
Nora Charles: How many drinks have you had?
Nick Charles: This will make six Martinis.
Nora Charles: [to the waiter] All right. Will you bring me five more Martinis, Leo? Line them right up here.
Gil: Could I come down and see the body? I've never seen a dead body.
Lieutenant John Guild: Why do you want to?
Gil: Well, I've been studying psychopathic criminology and I have a theory. Perhaps this was the work of a sadist or a paranoiac. If I saw it I might be able to tell.
Lieutenant John Guild: Yeah, that's a good idea. But don't you bother to come down - we'll bring the body right up to you.
[Nick has revived Nora after knocking her out to keep her from being accidentally shot by Joe Morelli]
Nora Charles: You darn fool! You didn't have to knock me out. I knew you'd take him, but I wanted to see you do it.
Lieutenant John Guild: [laughs] There's a girl with hair on her chest.
Reporter: Well, can't you tell us anything about the case?
Nick Charles: Yes, it's putting me way behind in my drinking.
Nora Charles: What's that man doing in my drawers?
Nick Charles: The murderer is right in this room. Sitting at this table. You may serve the fish.
Nora Charles: [to Asta, as Nick and Asta are going out on a case] If you let anything happen to him, you'll never wag that tail again.
Marion: I don't like crooks, and if I did like crooks, I wouldn't like crooks that were stool pigeons, and if I did like crooks that were stool pigeons, I still wouldn't like you!
Morelli: What's the gag?
Marion: You know as much about it as I do.
Detective Waiter: [shouting] Have a cocktail!
Morelli: N-no, I don't care for any.
Detective Waiter: [Still shouting] I said, have a cocktail!
Marion: [Nervously] I guess he wants us to have a cocktail.
Lieutenant John Guild: [Examining the over-sized clothes of a recently-discovered corpse] He must've weighed 250 pounds if he weighed an ounce.
Dr. Walton: [Handing Guild a cane] Here's something.
Lieutenant John Guild: Hmmm. Rubber tip. He must have been lame.
Dr. Walton: Who wouldn't be, carrying all that weight around?
Nora Charles: [after the doorbell rings on Christmas Eve] Who's that?
Nick Charles: It's probably Santa Claus.
Nick Charles: [inviting MacCaulay in] What are you drinking?
Herbert MacCaulay: Oh, nothing, thanks. Nothing.
Nick Charles: Oh, that's a mistake.
Foster: [to telephone operator] I want to speak to Ma!
Nick Charles: Haven't you heard the news? I'm a gentleman now!