Ellie Andrews: Your ego is absolutely colossal.
Peter Warne: Yeah, yeah, not bad, how's yours?
[Shuts and locks the door]
Ellie Andrews: You know, compared to you, my friend Shapeley's an amateur. Just whatever gave you any idea I'd stand for this?
Peter Warne: Say now, wait a minute. Let's get this straightened out right now. If you're nursing any silly notion that I'm interested in you, forget it. You're just a headline to me.
Ellie Andrews: A headline? You're not a newspaper man are you?
Peter Warne: Chalk up one for your side.
Alexander Andrews: Oh, er, do you mind if I ask you a question, frankly? Do you love my daughter?
Peter Warne: Any guy that'd fall in love with your daughter ought to have his head examined.
Alexander Andrews: Now that's an evasion!
Peter Warne: She picked herself a perfect running mate - King Westley - the pill of the century! What she needs is a guy that'd take a sock at her once a day, whether it's coming to her or not. If you had half the brains you're supposed to have, you'd done it yourself, long ago.
Alexander Andrews: Do you love her?
Peter Warne: A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her without going nutty! She's my idea of nothing!
Alexander Andrews: I asked you a simple question! Do you love her?
Peter Warne: YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!
Oscar Shapeley: You know, there's nothing I like better than to meet a high-class mama that can snap 'em back at ya. 'Cause the colder they are, the hotter they get. That's what I always say. Yes, sir, when a cold mama gets hot, boy, how she sizzles. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
[He nudges her with his elbow]
Oscar Shapeley: Now, you're just my type. Believe me, sister, I could go for you in a big way. 'Fun-on-the-side' Shapeley they call me, with accent on the fun, believe you me.
[after Ellen stops a car by showing her leg]
Peter Warne: Why didn't you take off all your clothes? You could have stopped forty cars.
Ellie Andrews: Well, ooo, I'll remember that when we need forty cars.
Peter Warne: I never did like the idea of sitting on newspapers. I did it once, and all the headlines came off on my white pants. On the level! It actually happened. Nobody bought a paper that day. They just followed me around over town and read the news on the seat of my pants.
Ellie Andrews: By the way, what's your name?
Peter Warne: What's that?
Ellie Andrews: Who are you?
Peter Warne: Who me?
Peter Warne: I'm the whippoorwill that cries in the night. I'm the soft morning breeze that caresses your lovely face.
Ellie Andrews: You've got a name, haven't you?
Peter Warne: Yeah, I got a name. Peter Warne.
Ellie Andrews: Peter Warne. I don't like it.
Peter Warne: Don't let it bother you. You're giving it back to me in the morning.
Ellie Andrews: Pleased to meet you, Mr. Warne.
Peter Warne: The pleasure is all mine, Mrs. Warne.
Alexander Andrews: Don't fall out of any windows!
Ellie Andrews: I'll stop a car, and I won't use my thumb!
Peter Warne: What're you gonna do?
Ellie Andrews: It's a system all my own.
Ellie Andrews: Aren't you gonna congratulate me?
Peter Warne: What for?
Ellie Andrews: Well, I proved once and for all that the limb is mightier than the thumb.
Alexander Andrews: What's the matter, child? Aren't you happy?
[Ellie clutches her father, sobbing]
Alexander Andrews: I thought so. I knew there was something on your mind. There, there, there now. What's the matter? You haven't fallen in love with someone else, have you? Have you?
[Ellie continues crying]
Alexander Andrews: I haven't seen you cry since you were a baby. This must be serious. Where'd you meet him?
Ellie Andrews: On the road.
Alexander Andrews: Now, don't tell me you've fallen in love with a bus driver.
Alexander Andrews: [Alexander has figured out Ellie is in love with another man] Who is he?
Ellie Andrews: I don't know very much about him, except that I love him.
Alexander Andrews: Well, if it's as serious as all that, we'll move Heaven and Earth to...
Ellie Andrews: No, it's no use! He despises me.
Alexander Andrews: Oh, come now.
Ellie Andrews: Yes, he does! He despises everything about me. He says that I'm spoiled and selfish and pampered and thoroughly insincere.
Alexander Andrews: Oh, ho, ridiculous!
Ellie Andrews: He doesn't think so much of you, either.
Alexander Andrews: Well, I...
Ellie Andrews: And he blames you for everything that's wrong with me. He says you, you raised me stupidly.
Alexander Andrews: [sarcastically] Well now, that's a fine man to fall in love with.
Ellie Andrews: Oh, he's marvelous!
Peter Warne: [Detectives are looking for Ellie] What do you mean, coming in here? What do you want, anyway?
Detective: We're looking for somebody.
Peter Warne: Yeah, well look your head off, but don't come busting in here. This isn't a public park. I could near as take a sock at you!
Detective: Take it easy, son, take it easy.
Mr. Dykes: These men are detectives, Mr. Warne.
Peter Warne: I don't care if they're the whole police department. They can't come busting in here, shooting questions at my wife.
Ellie Andrews: Now, don't get so excited, Peter. The man just asked a civil question.
Peter Warne: Oh, is that so? Say, how many times have I told you to stop butting in when I'm having an argument?
Ellie Andrews: Well, you don't have to lose your temper!
Peter Warne: [mockingly] "You don't have to lose your temper." That's what you said the other time, too. Every time I try to protect you. The other night, at the Elks Dance, when that big Swede made a pass at you!
Ellie Andrews: He didn't make a pass at me! I told you a million times!
Peter Warne: Oh, no? I saw him. He kept pawing you all over the dance floor!
Ellie Andrews: [the detectives stand there, flustered] He didn't! You were drunk!
Peter Warne: Aw, nuts! You're just like your old man! Once a plumber's daughter, always a plumbers daughter! There isn't an ounce of brains in your whole family!
Ellie Andrews: [sobbing] Oh, Peter Warne, you've gone far enough! I won't stand for it anymore!
Peter Warne: Aw, shut up!
Mr. Dykes: Now, you see what you've done?
Detective: Sorry, Mr. Warne. But, you see we've got to check up on everybody.
Detective: We're looking for a girl by the name of Ellen Andrews, you know, the daughter of that big Wall Street mug.
Peter Warne: Yeah? Well, it's too bad you aren't looking for a plumber's daughter
Peter Warne: QUIT BAWLING! QUIT BAWLING!
[Ellie sobs even louder]
Mr. Dykes: I told you they were a perfectly nice married couple.
[Mr. Dykes and the detectives leave, and Peter and Ellie start laughing]
Ellie Andrews: Outside of the fact that you don't like him you haven't got a thing against King.
Alexander Andrews: He's a fake, Ellie.
Ellie Andrews: He's one of the best flyers in the country.
Alexander Andrews: He's no good and you know it. You married him only because I told you not to.
Ellie Andrews: You've been telling me what not to do ever since I can remember.
Alexander Andrews: That's because you've always been a stubborn idiot,
Ellie Andrews: I come from a long line of stubborn idiots!
Peter Warne: You know, I had you pegged right from the jump. Just a spoiled brat of a rich father. The only way you get anything is to buy it, isn't it? You're in a jam and all you can think of is your money. It never fails, does it? Ever hear of the word humility? No, you wouldn't. I guess it would never occur to you to just say, 'Please mister, I'm in trouble, will you help me?' No, that would bring you down off your high horse for a minute. Well, let me tell you something, maybe it will take a load off your mind. You don't have to worry about me. I'm not interested in your money or your problem. You, King Westley, your father. You're all a lot of hooey to me!
[Peter hangs a blanket between the twin beds in their room at the autocamp]
Ellie Andrews: That, I suppose, makes everything quite all right?
Peter Warne: Oh this? Well, I like privacy when I retire. Yes, I'm very delicate in that respect. Prying eyes annoy me. Behold the walls of Jericho! Uh, maybe not as thick as the ones that Joshua blew down with his trumpet, but a lot safer. You see, uh, I have no trumpet. Now just to show you my heart's in the right place, I'll give you my best pair of pajamas.
[he offers her the pajamas - she ignores them - so he tosses them at her]
Peter Warne: Uh, do you mind joining the Israelites?
[indicates he wants her to go on the other side of the blanket - she doesn't budge]
Peter Warne: You don't want to join the Israelites? Alright.
[he begins to undress]
Peter Warne: Perhaps you're interested in how a man undresses. You know, it's a funny thing about that. Quite a study in psychology. No two men do it alike. You know, I once knew a man who kept his hat on until he was completely undressed. Yeah, now he made a picture. Years later, his secret came out. He wore a toupee. Yeah. You know, I have a method all my own. If you notice, the coat came first, then the tie, then the shirt. Now, uh, according to Hoyle, after that, the, uh, pants should be next. There's where I'm different... I go for the shoes next. First the right, then the left. After that it's, uh, every man for himself.
[he starts to unbuckle his pants and she runs to the other side of the blanket]
Ellie Andrews: You think I'm a fool and a spoiled brat. Well, perhaps I am, although I don't see how I can be. People who are spoiled are accustomed to having their own way. I never have. On the contrary. I've always been told what to do, and how to do it, and when, and with whom. Would you believe it? This is the first time I've ever been alone with a man!
Peter Warne: Yeah?
Ellie Andrews: It's a wonder I'm not panic-stricken.
Peter Warne: You're doing alright.
Ellie Andrews: Thanks. Nurses, governesses, chaperones, even bodyguards. Oh, it's been a lot of fun.
Peter Warne: I want to see what love looks like when it's triumphant. I haven't had a good laugh in a week.
[Peter watches as Ellie dunks her donut]
Peter Warne: Say, where'd you learn to dunk? In finishing school?
Ellie Andrews: Aw, now don't you start telling me I shouldn't dunk.
Peter Warne: Of course you shouldn't - you don't know how to do it. Dunking's an art. Don't let it soak so long. A dip and
[he stuffs the donut in his mouth]
Peter Warne: plop, in your mouth. You let it hang there too long, it'll get soft and fall off. It's all a matter of timing. Aw, I oughta write a book about it.
Ellie Andrews: [laughs] Thanks, professor.
Peter Warne: Just goes to show you - twenty millions, and you don't know how to dunk.
Ellie Andrews: Oh, I'd change places with a plumber's daughter any day.
[Peter is carrying Ellie across the creek slung over his shoulder]
Ellie Andrews: You know this is the first time in years I've ridden piggy-back.
Peter Warne: This isn't piggy-back.
Ellie Andrews: Course it is.
Peter Warne: You're crazy.
Ellie Andrews: I remember distinctly my father taking me for a piggy-back ride.
Peter Warne: And he carried you like this, I suppose?
Ellie Andrews: Yes.
Peter Warne: Your father didn't know beans about piggy-back riding.
Ellie Andrews: My uncle, mother's brother, has four children and I've seen them ride piggy-back.
Peter Warne: I'll bet there isn't a good piggy-back rider in your whole family. I never knew a rich man yet who could piggy-back ride.
Ellie Andrews: You're prejudiced.
Peter Warne: You show me a good piggy-backer and I'll show you a real human. Now you take Abraham Lincoln for instance. A natural born piggy-backer. Where do you get all of that stuffed-shirt family of yours?
Ellie Andrews: My father was a great piggy-backer.
Peter Warne: Here, hold this.
[Peter hands to Ellie the case he was carrying and slaps her behind for that remark]
[Peter makes a couple of "beds" from hay off of a haystack]
Peter Warne: All right, come on. Your bed's all ready.
Ellie Andrews: I'll get my clothes all wrinkled.
Peter Warne: Well, then take 'em off.
Ellie Andrews: What?
Peter Warne: All right, don't take 'em off. Do whatever you please, but shut up about it!
Ellie Andrews: Have you ever been in love, Peter?
Peter Warne: Me?
Ellie Andrews: Yes. Haven't you ever thought about it at all? It seems to me you, you could make some girl wonderfully happy.
Peter Warne: Sure I've thought about it. Who hasn't? If I could ever meet the right sort of girl. Aw, where you gonna find her? Somebody that's real. Somebody that's alive. They don't come that way anymore. Have I ever thought about it? I've even been sucker enough to make plans. You know, I saw an island in the Pacific once. I've never been able to forget it. That's where I'd like to take her. She'd have to be the sort of a girl who'd... well, who'd jump in the surf with me and love it as much as I did. You know, nights when you and the moon and the water all become one. You feel you're part of something big and marvelous. That's the only place to live... where the stars are so close over your head you feel you could reach up and stir them around. Certainly, I've been thinking about it. Boy, if I could ever find a girl who was hungry for those things...
[she comes around the blanket "Walls of Jericho" and kneels by his bed]
Ellie Andrews: Take me with you, Peter. Take me to your island. I want to do all those things you talked about.
Peter Warne: You'd better go back to your bed.
Ellie Andrews: I love you. Nothing else matters. We can run away. Everything will take care of itself. Please, Peter, I can't let you out of my life now. I couldn't live without you.
[she cries in his arms]
Peter Warne: [firmly] You'd better go back to your bed.
Ellie Andrews: I'm sorry.
[she returns to her bed still crying]
[as he walks Ellie down the aisle, Mr. Andrews talks to her]
Alexander Andrews: You're a sucker to go through with this. That guy Warne is OK. He didn't want the reward. All he asked for was $39.60, what he spent on you. Said it was a matter of principle. You took him for a ride. He loves you, Ellie. He told me so. You don't want to be married to a mug like Westley; I can buy him off for a pot of gold. And you can make an old man happy and you won't do so bad for yourself. If you change your mind, your car's waiting at the back gate.
Joe Gordon: That's the way things go: you think you got a great yarn, and something comes along and messes up the finish - and there you are.
Peter Warne: Just keep your eye on that thumb.
[sticks out his thumb to hitch a ride, the car wizzes past]
Ellie Andrews: Still got my eye on the thumb.
Peter Warne: Something must have happened. I'll try number 2.
Ellie Andrews: Well, wake me up when you get to 100.
Ellie Andrews: What is it that we're supposed to be doing again?
Peter Warne: Hitchhiking.
Ellie Andrews: Well you've shown me an excellent example of the hiking part. When does the hitching come in?
King Westley: [after Ellie runs away from their wedding] What happened?
Alexander Andrews: I haven't the slightest idea.
Oscar Shapeley: What's a matter sister? You ain't sayin' much.
Ellie Andrews: It seems to me you're doing excellently without any assistance.
Ellie Andrews: How did you get the car?
Peter Warne: I gave him a black eye for it. And had to tie him to a tree.
Ellie Andrews: We'll get on a merry-go-round and never get off. Promise me we'll never get off.
Ellie Andrews: [drinking a toast] Well, here's to the merry-go-round.
Danker: Oh, I see, young people in love are never hungry.
Ellie Andrews: And suppose nobody stops for us?
Peter Warne: They'll stop all right. lt's a matter of knowing how to handle them.
Ellie Andrews: And you're an expert l suppose.
Peter Warne: Expert. And l'll write a book about it. Call it ''The Hitchhiker's Hail.''
Ellie Andrews: There's no end to your accomplishments, is there?
Peter Warne: You think it's simple?
Ellie Andrews: No.
Peter Warne: Well, it is simple. lt's all in that old thumb, see? Some people do it like this. Or like this. All wrong. Never get anywhere. The poor things. But that old thumb never fails. lt's all a matter of how you do it, though. Now you take No. 1, for instance. That's a short jerky movement, like this. That shows independence. You don't care if they stop or not. You got money. Clever. No. 2, that's a little wider movement. Smile goes with this one, like this. That means you got a brand-new story about the farmer's daughter.
Ellie Andrews: You figured that out all by yourself?
Peter Warne: That's nothing. No. 3, that's a pip. That's the pitiful one. When you're broke and hungry, everything looks black. lt's a long sweeping movement like this. Gotta follow through, though.
Ellie Andrews: That's amazing.
Peter Warne: But it's no good, if you haven't got a long face to go with it.