Sons of the Desert (1933)
Stan: I've certainly got to hand it to you, Ollie.
Oliver: For what?
Stan: Well for the meticulous care with which you have executed your finely formulated machinations in extricating us from this devastating dilemma.
[Ollie looks at the camera, unamused]
Stan: Then, on the other hand...
Oliver: Get in bed.
Oliver: Get in bed. "Meticulous." Hmph.
Oliver: Now why did you hire a veterinarian?
Stan: I didn't think his religion would make any difference.
Oliver: Now isn't this nice?
Stan: It sure is. We're just like two peas in a pot.
Oliver: Not pot. Poddd. Poddd.
Oliver: To catch a Hardy they've got to get up very early in the morning.
Stan: What time?
Oliver: Oh about half past - "What time." Hmph.
Oliver: I wonder where she is?
Stan: Maybe she went out.
Oliver: I know she went out! But, what I'd like to know is where did she went?
Stan: Maybe she went to the mountains with Betty.
Oliver: That's probably just where she is. She makes me sick! She knew we were coming home today. Why did she have to go to the mountains for?
Stan: Well, if she didn't go to the mountains, then Mohammad would have to come here.
Oliver: What has Mohammad got to do with my wife?
Oliver: Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.
Lottie: Have you anything else to say?
Oliver: Why no. That's all there is. There isn't anymore. Is there Stanley?
Stan: No, that's our story and we're stuck with it. In it.
Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?
Stan: If I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.
Lottie: I'll show you, you Son of a Desert! Go to a convention on me, ha! ha!
Stan: [sings] Hololulu baby, won't you close those eyes.
[a pot is hurled at his head]
Oliver: You'd better take my temperature.
Oliver: Get that thermometer.
Stan: The what?
Oliver: Thermometer! You'll find it on the shelf.
Oliver: Ooh... ooh... ooh.
Oliver: [as Stan puts it in his mouth] Uh-um.
Oliver: [after Stan has taken his pulse] What does it say?
Stan: Wet and windy.
Oliver: Why didn't you want to take the oath?
Stan: I was afraid.
Oliver: Afraid of what?
Stan: Well I was afraid if I took the oath, that maybe my wife wouldn't let me go...
Oliver: Of course she'll let you go. Why, she'll have to let you go! You took an oath!
Stan: I know. That's what I'm worrying about. The Exhausted Ruler said that if... you took an oath, it would have to be broken for... generations and... centuries of... hundreds of years and my wife would let...
Oliver: Do you have to ask your wife everything?
Stan: Well if I didn't ask her, I wouldn't know what she wanted me to do.
Oliver: I never realized such a deplorable condition existed in your home. Why don't you pattern your life after mine? I go places and do things and *then* tell my wife. Every man should be the king in his own castle.
Stan: I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants. I'd like to see my old woman throwing things around. It's disgraceful. Never heard of such goings off. On. You know, if my ball and chain ever talked to me... If she even dared to raise a... Do you know what I'd say?
Stan: I'd say...
Stan: Hello, honey. I...
Stan: Well, you think it over. I'll see you in the morning.
[Stan leaves with Betty]
Stan: If you don't be careful, she's going to get the upper hand of you.
Dr. Horace Meddick: What seems to be the trouble?
Stan: I think he's suffering from a nervous shakedown.
Lottie: I haven't heard from you since you sang in the choir.
Charley Chase: And you used to pump the organ, remember? You little old organ pumper, you!
Betty: Stanley, is Oliver telling the truth?
Oliver: Go ahead and tell her.
[He mimes smoking a cigarette]
Betty: Is he?
Stan: [cries] No, we didn't go to Honolulu, we went to the convention...
[cries overtake his dialog... Oliver stares at the camera]
Oliver: That settles it! I'm not goin' to Honolulu!
Lottie: [angrily] Oh, yes, you ARE going to Honolulu if you have to go alone!
Oliver: If I have to go to Honolulu alone,
[points to Stan]
Oliver: he's going with me!
Lottie: [after the boys have rung the bell one time too many] What d'ya think this is? Halloween?
Lottie: Come in, you bad boy!
Oliver: I go places and do things, and then *then* tell my wife.
Betty: Stanley wouldn't dare lie to me. I hate to think what would happen if he ever did.
Lottie: [Sarcastically] So Stanley wouldn't *dare* lie to *you*...
Betty: Well, he never has before.
Lottie: [Standing and yelling at the screen as she sees Ollie in the newsreel] You wait till you get home, you big overstuffed...
Theater Patron: Hey, sit down!
Lottie: You shut up... come on, Betty
Sons of the Desert chorus: [the members sing "Auld Lang Syne"] And here's a hand, my trusty friend, and gie's a hand o' thine, / We'll take a cup of kindness now, for Auld Lang Syne.
Exalted Exhausted Ruler: [the song concludes, and the Exalted Ruler calls the meeting to order as he hits the podium with a gavel] Brothers, Sons of the Desert, we are all familiar with the business of this special meeting. This Oasis must meet the situation with determination.
Exalted Exhausted Ruler: Place yourselves in position to receive the oath. Do you all solemnly swear to be present at our 87th annual convention at Chicago?
Oliver, Sons of the Desert - California Oasis: I do.
Stan: Me too.
Exalted Exhausted Ruler: Whole heartedly unanimous.
Exalted Exhausted Ruler, Stan, Oliver, Sons of the Desert - California Oasis: [singing] We are the Sons of the Desert, Having the time of our lives, Marching along, two thousand strong , Far from our sweethearts and wives, God bless them, Tramp, tramp, tramp the boys are marching, And dancing to this melody, Mmm-Mmm-Mmm, Mmm-Mmm-Mmm-Mmm, Sons of the desert are we!
Oliver: [to Stan] Now, buck up! Go in and tell her you're going to the convention. Be a man!
Oliver: Well, what's new Sugar?
Lottie: Oh, nothing much. What's new with you?
Oliver: Oh, nothing to speak of.
Stan: Yes there is. You didn't tell her about going to the convention.
Lottie: What convention?
Oliver: That's right.
[Gritting his teeth to Stan]
Oliver: I'm glad you reminded me.
Lottie: You're not going.
Oliver: What do you mean I'm not going?
Lottie: Just that! You're not going to the convention. You're going to the mountains with me!
Stan: But, he can't go to the mountains. You see, he took an oath. And the Exhausted Ruler said that...
Lottie: Now, listen dodo, you keep out of this!
Oliver: Wait a minute, Sugar. There's no use getting excited. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Stan: Certainly, life isn't short enough.
Lottie: Are you going?
Lottie: I said, are you going?
Oliver: Yes, Sugar - eh, Mrs. Hardy.
Lottie: Who said so?
[points to Oliver]
Oliver: What'd I tell you. We've been to the convention. Had a swell time. Going home in the morning. And nobody's any the wiser.
Singer: [singing] While down on the South Sea Island, Underneath the beauty of the stars, I strayed upon some maidens, Who were strumming on their guitars, A hula maid was dancing, And I knew I'd found my paradise, So this is what I told her, As I gazed into her eyes, Honolulu Baby, where d'ya get those eyes? And the dark complexion I just idolize, Honolulu Baby, Where did you get that style? And those pretty red lips, And that sunny smile? When you start to dance, Your hula hips in trance, Then you shake it up and down, You shake a little here, You shake a little there, Well, you got the boys going to town, Honolulu Baby, you know your stuff, Honolulu Baby, don't call your bluff. Do-do-do-do...
Lottie: [Referring to Oliver] Just wait till you get back home, you inflated tadpole!
Lottie: That wax eater of yours is no different from the rest! He had just as much to do with this as my Oliver did!
Betty: Oh, I admit he lied. But, there's one thing I do know. When he gets back home and I ask him, he'll confess and tell me everything!
Betty: That's more than that blimp of yours will do!
Oliver: There you are. Fit for a king! We'll have a good night's sleep. Go down in the morning. Tell them about the shipwreck. And nobody will be any the wiser.
Lottie: Tell us all about it!
Betty: Please do.
Oliver: All right. All right. We were sailing along in clear weather when all of the sudden a terrible storm came up! Didn't it Stanley?
Stan: Yeah, and then we floundered in the typhoid.
Oliver: Not typhoid. He means typhoon, Sugar. Then the ship started to shake and we both dived overboard! Didn't we Stanley?
Stan: Yeah, just as the boat was going down for the third time.
Oliver: And here we are.
Lottie: Well then how did you get here?
Oliver: Why, eh...
Stan: Oh, we ship-hiked!
Oliver: That's right! We - ship-hiked!
Oliver: Yes! We thumbed our way.
Lottie: What do you mean? Thumbed your way?
Oliver: Well, Stan and I'd be swimming along, we'd see a boat coming our way, we'd go like that
Oliver: and they'd pick us up. Wouldn't they Stanley?
Stan: Yeah. Of course, that's if they were going our way, mind you.
Oliver: Oh, why, certainly.