The Purchase Price (1932)
[Four ladies, including our heroine, Joan, are headed west on a train. Three of them are comparing notes on their mail-order husbands while snacking. Joan is not participating]
Queenie, Girl on Train: [Looking at a picture] Oh, yours has got bushy eyebrows; he'll tickle ya every time he kisses ya.
Woman on Train #2: [Talking with her mouth full] I don't care
Woman on Train #2: as long as he kisses me.
[the three of them laugh riotously, while Joan looks annoyed]
Queenie, Girl on Train: [Leaning forward, holding a banana up to her mouth] You know what they say about men with bushy eyebrows and a long nose?
Woman on Train #2: [Pushes Queenie back, and forcing the banana halfway down her throat] Aw, Queenie, I can tell you've been married before!
[the three women cackle and continue eating, while Joan tries to ignore them]
Woman on Train #3: Mine's got a Buick, and a Ford, and an Indian squaw to do heavy work.
Queenie, Girl on Train: Aw, that ain't nuthin'. Mine's got a radio and a bathroom with runnin' water. I think it's in the picture he sent me.
Woman on Train #2: Did he send a picture of himself *in* the bath?
[the three of them crack up again. Joan rolls her eyes]
Queenie, Girl on Train: [to Joan] Say, has yours got plumbin'? Or is it one of them farmhouses, ya know, with a telephone booth in the back yard?
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: I don't know.
Woman on Train #3: She don't know? Can ya tie that?
Queenie, Girl on Train: Oh well, she won't be so almighty calm when it's forty below zero and she has to get up in the middle of the night.
[She waves the stub of her banana triumphantly as the other two laugh]
Eddie 'Ed' Fields: Ya daffy little tahmata, I'm bugs about ya. I'd marry ya myself, if I wasn't already married.
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: I've been up and down Broadway since I was fifteen years old. I'm fed up with hoofing in shows. I'm sick of night clubs, hustlers, bootleggers, chislers, and smart guys. I've heard all the questions and I know all the answers. And I've kept myself... fairly respectable through it all. The whole atmosphere of this street gives me a high-powered headache. I've got a chance to breathe something else, and boy, I'm grabbing it.
Eddie 'Ed' Fields: Pick up the marbles, hon, you win.
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: [Hands him some jewelry] By the way, here's a couplea trinkets I want to return to you. Might as well do it now.
Eddie 'Ed' Fields: Sure you don't want to keep this hardware?
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: Positive.
[Reaches into a drawer, takes out a key, and hands it to him]
Eddie 'Ed' Fields: All through playing house?
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: All through, Eddie. Thanks.
Eddie 'Ed' Fields: Well, so long kid. It was swell while it lasted.
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: [Almost smiling, softly] Yeah.
[Eddie turns and leaves]
Eddie 'Ed' Fields: Say, when a guy like him marries a doll like you, I'll kiss your... foot... in Macy's window at high noon.
Eddie 'Ed' Fields: No college boy still wet behind the ears is going to bust us up.
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: No be a good little boy and don't get yourself all in a lather.
Emily: Gee, with a hundred dollars, maybe I could get myself a husband right here in town.
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: Of course, you could!
Emily: And then I'd sort of, eh, have a chance to, try the goods before I bought it!
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: Emily...
Elmer, the Justice of the Peace: And by joining hands, I now pronounce that they are man and wife. Three dollars, please.
Bull McDowell: How do you enjoy married life?
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: Oh, it's alright.
Bull McDowell: Nothing like it, after you get used to it. I've been married and divorced twice; so, I ought to know.
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: Isn't love the one thing you don't have to earn?
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: Have you ever heard a woman scream?
Jim Gilson: No.
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: Well, you're going to.
Jim Gilson: Huh?
Joan Gordon, aka Francine La Rue: 'Cause I've been dying to do it for months. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!