- Oliver: [to drill sergeant, after another troop has marched by in perfect unison] Why don't you have *us* do like that?
- Oliver: This is your son's baby.
- Eddie "Steamboat": Oh, blackmailers, huh?
- [punches Ollie in the face]
- Oliver: What do we do with this stuff?
- Pierre, the Cook: What do you think you do with it? Take it to the General.
- Policeman: Who are these gentlemen looking for?
- Eddie's baby: Mr. Smith.
- Policeman: And where does he live?
- Eddie's baby: Who?
- Title Card: Somewhere in Nowhere - Where the cannons boomed all day - And the cooties boomed all night -...
- [last lines]
- Pierre, the Cook: Well... if it ain't the snitchers.
- [bends knife back causing it to make SFX]
- Pierre, the Cook: I've got my knife.
- [chases Laurel & Hardy]
- Recruiting Sergeant: How about gettin' in one of these uniforms?
- Oliver: I'm awfully sorry; but, we're incapacitated.
- Recruiting Sergeant: Incapacitated?
- Stan: Yes, sir. There's been a lot of it going around lately.
- Oliver: Pardon me, Officer. Would you happen to tell us where Mr. Smith lives?
- Policeman: Smith?
- Oliver: Yes, sir.
- Policeman: Smith. Smith. Let me think. What Smith?
- Stan: It's Eddie's father.
- Policeman: Eddie who?
- Oliver: Why the father of this child.
- Policeman: What's his name?
- Stan: Who?
- Policeman: Why the father of this child. That's who you're looking for, isn't it?
- Oliver: Ah no, sir.
- Policeman: No?
- Oliver: The man we're looking for is the father of the father of this child.
- Policeman: Oh, now I understand you. It's the grandfather that's lost.
- Oliver: Yes. Oh, no sir. He's not lost.
- Policeman: No? Well, then what are you looking for him for?
- Stan: We're not looking for him. We just tryin' to find him.
- Mr. Hathaway: That monkey is the father of this child!
- [the Wrong Eddie's bride faints]
- The Wrong Eddie: Well, fan my brow!
- Mr. Hathaway: You blaggard!
- Groom's Father: You Bluebeard!
- The Wrong Eddie: Oh, now Pop, it's a frame up!
- Bank President: What is your business?
- Oliver: We're in the restaurant business.
- Bank President: Here in town?
- Oliver: Oh, all over town. Here, there and thither.
- Bank President: Chain business?
- Stan: No, restaurant.
- Oliver: [referring to the trash he has just been told to take to the general] If the General wants it, he can HAVE it.
- Mr. Hathaway: You have saved the family's name.
- Oliver: [watching as Eddie is being chased around the house by his father] What seems to be the trouble, Mr. Smith?
- Mr. Hathaway: Why those people are... SMITH? Did you call me Mr. Smith?
- Oliver: Yes, sir.
- Mr. Hathaway: [to his butler] Hawkins, my Winchester.
- [angrily, to Stan and Ollie]
- Mr. Hathaway: My name is not Smith. It's HATHAWAY!
- [Ollie starts chuckling, then stops as he and Stan get looks of horror on their faces at the realization of the trouble they had just caused. Ollie nervously twiddles his tie]
- Oliver: I'm afraid we've made a little faux pas.
- Mr. Hathaway: I'm afraid that you have!
- Oliver: I'm sorry if we've caused you any inconvenience.
- Mr. Hathaway: That's quite alright.
- [Hathaway is handed his rifle. Ollie shouts and runs away, as Hathaway gets off two shots]