Desk Sergeant: What's your name?
Stanley: Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: Say "sir" when you're addressing me. Now what's your name?
Stanley: Sir Stanley Laurel.
Desk Sergeant: What's your name?
Oliver: Oliver Norvell Hardy, sir.
Stanley: [they are wearing blackface] Oliver, er, Sambo!
Stanley: [gesturing to an African American cellmate and an Asian cellmate] Look, Amos and Andy.
Oliver: We're not going to the mess hall. We're not going to eat.
Prison Guard: You're not going to eat?
Stanley: No, we're on a hunger strike.
Prison Guard: What? You're going to pass up that nice, big roast turkey with chestnut dressing, and sweet potatoes Southern style, great big pans of hot biscuits, strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it. Course, followed by a nice, big slice of ice cold watermelon and a big, black cigar.
Stanley: Any nuts?
Prison Guard: All you can eat of 'em.
Stanley: How about postponing the strike until tomorrow?
Oliver: Well... But not one minute after tomorrow.
Prison Guard: Come on, fall in!
Stanley: [later; Stan sees their meal of gruel] Hey! What about that turkey dinner?
Prison Guard: [shouts] Sit down, you!
Warden: [seeing Stan and Ollie for the first time]
Warden: My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you're going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you're not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?
Stanley: Yes, sir.
Warden: [begins to go ballistic] Wha...!
Oliver: It was his tooth...
Warden: [shouts] Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!
Prison Guard: But not in with The Tiger, sir.
Warden: [shouts] Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden.
Warden: Why, I'll take those men, I'll break them! I'll put them in Cell 14. I don't care who's in there! What I'll do with them.
Stanley: [after getting their prison pictures taken] If they turn out good, can I have one?
Prison Guard: Come on, get out of here!
Oliver: When are you going to get that tooth fixed? Every time you speak you make a funny noise. It sounds like a pipe organ.
Prison Guard: Clowning, eh?
Insurgent Convict: Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing there? Keep off of my head!
Oliver: Pardon me, I'm a stranger here.
The Tiger: Put'er there. Ha ha ha. You're the first guy who had the nerve to raspberry The Tiger. I like a guy that does that.
The Tiger: Ha ha, hey, you and me is gonna be good pals.
Stanley: Thank you.
The Tiger: Hey, I heard you the first time. Now don't take advantage of my good humor. But if you do...
[starts to strangle Stan]
Schoolteacher: You spell "Needle"!
Oliver: [pause] N-E-I-D-L-E.
Schoolteacher: There is no "I" in needle!
Stanley: Then it's a rotten needle.
Schoolteacher: Now, what is a comet? You!
Prisoner: A comet. A comet is a star with a tale on it.
[points to Stan]
Schoolteacher: Name one.
Stanley: Rin Tin Tin.
Prison Guard: They disappeared as if the earth had completely swallowed them.
Warden: Don't worry about those two babes in the woods. Use the bloodhounds. Those hounds never fail. Why they'll trail them so straight, it will be a cinch. Those hounds are ferocious. They're killers. Ha ha ha ha, I'd like to see their faces when they see those hounds. Now hop to it.
Oliver: [Stan and Ollie are wearing blackface] They'll never recognize us in a 100 years. For once in your life you've hit up on a good idea.
Stanley: A practical idea.
Oliver: What about the tooth? The buzzer.
Stanley: Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.
Oliver: You what?
Stanley: I vulcanized it. I put some chewing gum in there and it don't buzz any more.
Oliver: You're actually using your brain. That's what comes from associating with me.
Stanley: What do you mean associa-
Oliver: Tut tut tut tut.
Stanley: Tut tut tut tut?
Warden: My boys, and you are my boys, I hold in my hand the pardons for both of you. This is the state's gesture in showing it's appreciation of your bravery. It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.
[Stan and Ollie stare blankly; Warden hands them their pardons]
Oliver: Thank you, sir.
Warden: Now go, begin life a new. Forget this. Let this episode here be just a hiatus to be obliterated from your memory. And don't forget that I'm your friend. Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any time.
Oliver: Thank you.
Oliver: We'll start all over again.
Stanley: We certainly will.
Stanley: Can we take your order for a couple of cases?
Warden: Why you...!
[Stan and Ollie run from the office; screen fades to black; "THE END" appears on screen]
Oliver: Well here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.
Stanley: What do you mean I got you into?
Oliver: Well, you sold that policeman that bottle of beer, didn't you?
Stanley: I thought he was a streetcar conductor.
Oliver: [at the prison dentist] Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days? Why, you won't even feel it.
Stanley: You won't feel it, but how about me? How about those other fellows?
Oliver: Ha ha ha ha, they were only laughing.
[sits down in dentist chair beside Stan]
Oliver: You know, there are times when you try my patience. There's nothing do it. It's all in your mind. Now just sit back and... Relax. Why they could pull every tooth in my head and I wouldn't even feel it.
[the dentist accidentally sets to work on Ollie's teeth; Ollie yelps in pain]
Oliver: Why didn't you tell him?
Stanley: I thought you were laughing.
Schoolteacher: We will now have the role call. Those that are here will answer "present". Those that are not here will say "absent".
Schoolteacher: We shall now have an intelligence test. Who was Columbus?
Prisoner: The mayor of Ohio.
Schoolteacher: [pause] What did he do?
Insurgent Convict: He died.
Schoolteacher: Well, of course he died. Who killed him?
The Tiger: Cock Robin.
Schoolteacher: Who said *that*?
The Tiger: I did.
Schoolteacher: [pause] Correct.
Schoolteacher: What is a blizzard?
Stanley: A blizzard? A blizzard is the inside of a buzzard.
Schoolteacher: Fresh, huh?
Schoolteacher: How many times does three go into nine?
Stanley: ...Three times.
Stanley: And two left over.
Schoolteacher: [nods; Ollie begins to giggle] What are you laughing at?
Oliver: There's only one left over.
Prison Guard: [placing the boys in solitary confinement] This is your suite.
Stanley: Have you got the time?
[Stan is shoved inside the hole and the door is locked]
Stanley: I wonder how long we're going to be in here.
Oliver: Oh, about two months I guess.
Stanley: Gee, that's a month apiece.
Warden: So they wanted a showdown, did they? They wanted a fight into a finish, did they? Well by the livin' Lucifer, THEY'RE GOING TO GET IT! Go on now, hop to it.