- [Ossie and Jack are in a diner getting breakfast, and after the waitress brings them their food, Ossie knocks the salt shaker over, spilling the salt]
- Ossie Simpson: Oops. Spilled the salt.
- [Ossie starts pouring the salt over his left shoulder, dumping it on Pancho, who is sitting right next to him]
- Pancho: Hey! Look!
- [Pancho points to the salt on his shoulder]
- Ossie Simpson: Ah! Dandruff!
- [Pancho and Ossie are in a heated argument]
- Pancho: If I were not in a hurry, I would wait outside!
- Ossie Simpson: I wouldn't wait.
- [writing notes down in his notebook]
- Ossie Simpson: Monday - Jack flirted with waitress. Knows a good dish when he sees one. Period.
- Jack Hackett: Well, we better make up our minds where we're going. Say, how about abroad?
- Ossie Simpson: Your father said no women.
- Jack Hackett: Well, when do you think we'll get there?
- Ossie Simpson: We'll never get there at the rate you're goin'.
- Jack Hackett: What do you mean at the rate I'm goin'? You're driving.
- Ossie Simpson: Yes. But, you're stopping. We haven't passed a girl yet. Made four stops, the last five girls.
- Ossie Simpson: First, we've got to decide where we're going. - - - California!
- Jack Hackett: Why California?
- Ossie Simpson: Sunshine! Sun kissed oranges. Sun kissed lemons. Sun kissed mountains. And Sun kissed - Mamas.
- John J. Hackett Sr.: I don't care where you go, so long as its far enough away to keep you out of trouble. And you're not going alone either. I'm sending someone with you who'll take care of you. Your cousin Ossie. He'll be a good influence for you. He's a gentleman. He doesn't drink. He doesn't carouse. And he never thinks of women.
- Jack Hackett: Gertie, you're a peach! I can't tell you how I feel about you.
- Gertie Gardner: Oh, Jack.
- Ossie Simpson: I'll say she is. She's a whole orchard! And believe me, you do look swell in that negligee.
- Jack Hackett: You're a sweetheart.
- Gertie Gardner: Oh, Jack.
- Ossie Simpson: Oh, Gertie you were marvelous!
- Jack Hackett: You bet your life.
- Constance Palmer: You might have shown a little more discretion. Not only do you use my room to entertain your lady friend; but, your lady friend uses my negligee to entertain you!
- Jack Hackett: Ah, you and your philosophy.
- Ossie Simpson: Well, things could be worse.
- Jack Hackett: What could be worse than losing the girl you love?
- Ossie Simpson: Losing two girls you love!
- Pancho Arango: But why? Why did you do it?
- Gertie Gardner: They paid me to!
- Pancho Arango: Get your things on!
- Ossie Simpson: We're tryin' to get there in a hurry and you stop to help a dame milk a cow!
- Jack Hackett: Aww, milk's the best thing in the world for you. I was brought up on milk!
- Ossie Simpson: Yeah, but you weren't brought up on milk maids.
- Jack Hackett: Aww, can it.
- Ossie Simpson: I hope we don't pass a poultry farm.
- Jack Hackett: Why not?
- Ossie Simpson: You'll probably stop to help some hen lay an egg.
- Ossie Simpson: Don't write to women. No matter how far away you are, phone 'em! In the end, a long distance call is cheaper than a two cent stamp.
- Penny Packer: I don't like her. She had no right to give you her room number.
- Ossie Simpson: Ah, she's all right. I feel sorry for her. She had a tough break last year in New York. She lost practically every friend she had.
- Penny Packer: What happened?
- Ossie Simpson: The Fleet sailed away.
- Penny Packer: He's always doing cute things. This morning he sent me a bunch of daisies and a note reading, "Daisy won't tell. I hope you're a daisy." Oh my, Ossie.
- Mabel Robinson: Take my advice, Miss Palmer. All men are alike. None of them are any good. But, life is like that.
- Pancho Arango: He paid you!
- Gertie Gardner: After all dear, I'm an actress. And what difference does it make if I act on a stage or in a room?
- Pancho Arango: You must be more careful where you display your talent.
- Gertie Gardner: Tell me, did you have a nice trip?
- Pancho Arango: It was all right, except for one thing. I had a little trouble with what you Americans call: a fresh punk!
- Ossie Simpson: Just a minute. Send me the cigarette girl.
- Maitre d': Oh. Oh, you want cigarettes?
- Ossie Simpson: No, no. Just the girl.
- [last lines]
- Ossie Simpson: Ah, Penny, I'm so happy, I'm gonna work my head off for you - until we have a bank full of dollars and a house full of Pennies.
- Penny Packer: Oh, my Ossie!
- Jack Hackett: [while they're on the road] When do we eat?
- Ossie Simpson: We'll eat at the next town.
- Jack Hackett: What town are we coming to?
- Ossie Simpson: I don't... there's a sign.
- Jack Hackett: What town is it?
- Ossie Simpson: Goslow.
- Jack Hackett: *Goslow*?
- Ossie Simpson: Yep.
- Jack Hackett: [Jack sees the sign] That's "Go Slow", you fool!
- Ossie Simpson: Oh-ho, so it is.
- [Jack glares at him]
- Ossie Simpson: I can be wrong, you know.