The Cocoanuts (1929)
Chico: Right now I'd do anything for money. I'd kill somebody for money. I'd kill *you* for money.
[Harpo looks dejected]
Chico: Ha ha ha. Ah, no. You're my friend. I'd kill you for nothing.
Hammer: What would you like? Would you like a suite on the third floor?
Chico: No. I'll take a Pollack in the basement.
Mrs. Potter: I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.
Hammer: I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.
Hammer: Hey, hey! You know that suitcase is empty?
Chico: That's all right. We fill it up before we leave.
Hammer: I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.
Hammer: Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
Hammer: Wages? Do you want to be wage slaves? Answer me that!
Hammer: No, of course not. But what makes wage slaves? Wages!
Hammer: Hello? Yes? Ice water in 318? Is that so? Where'd you get it? Oh, you want some.
Mrs. Potter: Get out of this room, or I'll scream for the servants.
Hammer: Let the servants know! Let the whole world know! About us!
Mrs. Potter: You must leave my room. We must have regard for certain conventions.
Hammer: One guy isn't enough, she's gotta have a convention.
Hammer: Now here is a little peninsula and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico: Why a duck?
Hammer: [on phone] You want to know where you can get a hold of Mrs. Potter? I don't know, she's awfully ticklish.
Hammer: Believe me, you gotta get up early if you want to get out of bed.
[the Marx Brothers are chasing each other through Mrs. Potter's suite]
Hammer: This hotel not only has running water. It has running guests!
Hammer: All along the river, those are all levees.
Chico: That's the Jewish neighborhood?
Hammer: Well, we'll pass over that.
Hammer: You can have any kind of a home you want. You can even get stucco. Oh, how you can get stuck-oh!
Hammer: Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.
Hammer: [to Mrs. Potter] Just think - tonight, tonight when the moon is sneaking around the clouds I'll be sneaking around you. I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see it now - you and the moon. Wear a neck-tie so I'll know you.
Hammer: Florida folks, land of perpetual sunshine. Let's get the auction started before we have a tornado.
Hammer: Well, my mother and father talked it over and they finally moved to New York, a little house in the Bronx. And it was in that little house that Abraham Lincoln was born, much to my father's surprise. And that, boys and girls, was the beginning of the Lincoln Highway.
Hammer: [to Margaret Dumont] An empty bungalow just for you and me, where we could bill and cow - no, we could bull and cow...
Bob Adams: Oh Mr. Hammer, there's a man outside wants to see you with a black mustache.
Hammer: Tell him I've got one.
Hammer: And now, friends, in view of the fact that Miss Potter's engagement is being celebrated here tonight, so to speak, I think a few words from her mother would be revolting! I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well-preserved and partially pickled, Mrs. Potter.
Mrs. Potter: My good, good friends. If I could only tell you how rosy-hued everything seems to me tonight. As I look into your faces, they're all lit with gay laughter. The whole world and everything in it is bathed in a soft, glowing luminous haze...
Hammer: The old gal is stewed to the eyebrows!
Hammer: I want you to be free. Remember, there's nothing like Liberty except for Collier's and the Saturday Evening Post.
Mrs. Potter: What in the world is the matter with you?
Hammer: Oh, I... I'm not myself tonight. I don't know how I am. One false move and I'm yours. I love you. I love you anyhow.
Mrs. Potter: I'll not stand here any longer and be insulted this way.
Hammer: Aw, don't go away and leave me here alone, you stay here and I'll go away.
Mrs. Potter: I don't know what to say.
Hammer: Well, say that you'll be truly mine, or truly yours, or yours truly. Can't you know that I'm...
Mrs. Potter: Will you keep your hands to yourself?
Hammer: Come on, I'll play you one more game. Come on, the three of you!
Hammer: How about you and I giving this joint the air and indulging in some snappy necking?
Mrs. Potter: What?
Hammer: What I meant was you're gonna be here all winter and I'm stuck with the hotel anyhow, why don't you grab me until you can make other arrangements?
Mrs. Potter: My dear Mr. Hammer. I shall never get married before my daughter.
Hammer: You did once.
Jamison: Oh, Mr. Hammer, Mrs. Thompson wants to know if you'd reserve a table for dinner for her in a nice quiet spot.
Hammer: A nice quiet spot?
Hammer: [quickly looks around the front desk area] Tell her she can eat in the lobby.
Hammer: What do you want? Do you want a single room?
Chico: We'd like to double up.
Hammer: Well, eat some green apples.
Penelope: Where'd you get that coat?
Chico: That'sa my coat.
Penelope: That's your coat?
Chico: That'sa my coat.
Penelope: But it doesn't fit you.
Chico: I know. I had it made to order.
Chico: I no buy nothing. I gotta no money.
Hammer: You got no money?
Chico: I no gotta one cent.
Hammer: How're you going to pay for your room?
Chico: Thatsa your lookout.
Hammer: Oh, you're just an idle rumor?
Hammer: Folks, you are now in Cocoanut Manor, one of the finest cities in Florida. Of course, we still need a few finishing touches, but who doesn't?
Hammer: [addressing the dinner guests] And that, of course, reminds me of the story of the Irishman. Ha ha ha ha ha!... It's so funny - I wish I could think of it!
Hammer: I say, I'm holding an auction at Cocoanut Grove. And when the crowd gathers around, I want you to mingle with them. Don't pick their pockets, just mingle...
Chico: I'll find time for both.
Hammer: Well, maybe we can cut out the auction.
Hammer: Now then, if we're successful in disposing of these lots, I'll see that you get a nice commission.
Chico: And how about some money?
Hammer: Well, you can have your choice.
Hammer: Now, in arranging these lots, of course, we use blueprints. You know what a blueprint is, huh?
Chico: It's oysters.
Hammer: [looking slightly exasperated] How is it you never got double pneumonia?
Chico: I go around by myself.
Hammer: Do you know what a lot is?
Chico: Yeah, too much.
Hammer: I don't mean a whole lot. Just a little lot with nothing on it.
Chico: Any time you gotta too much, you gotta whole lot. Look, I'll explain it to you. Some time you no gotta much; sometimes you gotta whole lot. You know that it's a lot. Somebody else maybe thinka it's too much; it's a whole lot, too. Now, a whole lot is too much; too much is a whole lot; same thing.
Hammer: The next time I see you, remind not to talk to you, will you?
Hammer: Now, over here on this site, we're gonna build an eye and ear hospital. This is gonna be a sight for sore eyes.
Hammer: Now, look, I'm gonna take you down and show you our cemetery. I've got a waiting list of 50 people at that cemetery just dying to get in. But I like you. You're my friend. I like you and I'm gonna shove you in ahead of all of them.
Chico: I know you like me.
Hammer: I'm gonna see that you get a steady position.
Chico: That's a good.
Hammer: And if I can arrange it, it will be horizontal.
Hammer: [to the hotel bellboys and bellgirls] In the meantime, I want you to buck up! Get down to work. Let's put this thing over with a bang. And, above all, forget about money. Don't think of it. Just forget about it; because you won't get it anyway.
Mrs. Potter: How do you do, sir?
Hammer: Why don't you whistle at the crossing? You're just the woman I'm looking for. And now whether you like it or not I'm going to tell you all about Florida real estate. It is the first time it has ever been mentioned here - today.
Mrs. Potter: I'm sorry, Mr. Hammer, but I'm afraid...
Hammer: Do you know that property values have increased since 1929 one thousand per cent? Do you know that this is the biggest development since Sophie Tucker? Do you know that Florida is the show spot of America and Cocoanut Manor the black spot of Florida?
Mrs. Potter: You told me that yesterday.
Hammer: I know but I left out a comma.
Hammer: Look, in a little while I'm going to hold an action sale at Cocoanut Manor, the suburb terrible or beautiful. You must come over. There's going to be entertainment, sandwiches, and the auction. If you don't like auctions, we can play contract. Here it is - Cocoanut Manor - 42 hours from Times Square by railroad. 1,600 miles as the crow flies and 1,800 as the horse flies. There you are - Cocoanut Manor glorifying the American sewer and the Florida sucker. It's the most exclusive residential district in Florida. Nobody lives there. And the climate - ask me about the climate. I dare you.
Mrs. Potter: Very well - how is the...
Hammer: I'm glad you brought it up. Our motto is Cocoanut Beach, no snow, no ice, and no business.
Penelope: Tell me, what are you doing tonight?
Chico: Maybe you gotta good idea, huh?
Penelope: Well, don't you dare come to Room 320 at eleven o'clock.
Chico: Awright, I come half-past ten.
Hammer: Did anyone ever tell you that you look like the Prince of Wales? I don't mean the present Prince of Wales; one of the old Wales, and believe me when I say Wales, I mean Wales. I know a whale when I see one. Did you say your room is 318? You know I am the proprietor of this hotel and I have a passkey for every room in it.
Mrs. Potter: Passkey?
Hammer: Passkey - that's Russian for pass - you know they passkey down the streetsky.
Mrs. Potter: Do you know what you are trying to say?
Hammer: Yes, it is not what I'm thinking of. What I meant was, if we had a nice little bungalow and you was on the inside and I was on the outside trying to get in and me inside trying to get out or, no you're inside out and I was upside - I'll tell you, if you don't hear from me by next Friday, the whole things off!
Hammer: What I meant was if we had a nice bungalow and I came home from work - and you standing by the gate - no - you'd come home from work - and I was standing by the gate, and we came down the path and we went inside and the shades were drawn and the lights were low, and then - are you sure your husband's dead?
Mrs. Potter: Why, yes.
Hammer: Come over here, I want to see you. Now, listen to me. I'm not going to have that red-headed fellow running around the lobby. If you want to keep him up in the room, you'll have to keep him in a trap.
Chico: You can't catch him.
Hammer: Who is he?
Chico: He's my partner, but he no speak.
Hammer: Oh, that's your silent partner.
Hammer: Look, Einstein. Here's Cocoanut Manor. No matter what you say, this is Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Heights. That's a swamp - right over where the - where the road forks, that's Cocoanut Junction.
Chico: Where have you got Cocoanut Custard?
Hammer: Why, that's on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife, so you wouldn't have to worry about that.
Hammer: Look... Suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to the stream and wanted to ford over there, you couldn't make it. Too deep.
Chico: But what do you want with a Ford when you gotta horse?
Hammer: All ye suckers... step this way for the big swindle. Ladies and Gentlemen. Before proceeding with the main business of the day, which is the selling of these lots at any price, we are going to have little entertainment. Very little. I want to present to you Miss Polly Potter, the best paying guest in the hotel. In fact, the only paying guest in the hotel. She will sing for you and for me too! Miss Potter...
Hammer: [At the real estate auction] And don't forget the guarantee - my personal guarantee. if these lots don't double in value in a year, I don't know what you can do about it. Now we'll take lot #20 - twentah - right at the corner of DeSota Avenue. Of course, you all know who DeSota was? He discovered a body of water. You've heard of the water they named after him. De Sota Water.
Hammer: There it is. There it is, over there, right where that cocoanut tree is. Now what am I offered for lot #21?
Chico: Two hundred dollars
Hammer: Why, my friend, there's more than two hundred dollars worth of milk in those cocoanuts - and *what* milk, milk from contented cow-co-nuts. Who will say 300?
Hammer: I hope all your teeth have cavities and don't forget abscess makes the heart grow fonder.
Chico: He say six, I say seven. He say seven, I say eight. He say eight, I say nine. I got plenty a numbers left. When I start, I no stoppa for no-tin'. I go higher, higher, higher, all the time I go higher.
Hammer: Eh, you'll go higher when I get ahold of ya. Sold to Hiawatha for eight hundred dollars.
Hammer: Now, we take lot #25. Right where you're standing. Will you please keep your feet off this lot. You're getting it all dirty. Now, here's a lot, folks, it doesn't look very big on top, but it's all yours for as far down as you want to go. And it's dirt cheap! Now, what am I offered for lot #25? Anything at all? Who will start it off? Anyone at all? Anyone?
Hammer: What am I offered for lot 25? What am I offered for lot 25 and a year's subscription to "Youth Companion"? Will somebody take a year's subscription of "I'm Trying To Work My Way Through College"? Will somebody take a six months subscription of "I Go To High School"? Does anybody want to buy a lead pencil? I'll wrestle anybody in the crowd for five dollars?
Mrs. Potter: Mr. Hammer! Mr. Hammer! I've been robbed! My necklace in your hotel.
Polly: Oh, mother!
Mrs. Potter: It's worth a hundred-thousand dollars.
Hammer: Was it valuable?
Hammer: Now, what's the use of worrying? It's silly to worry, now, isn't it. You're gone today and here tomorrow.
Hammer: Well, I hope I still got my underwear on.
[Harpo hands him his underwear]
Hammer: Come here with that. I felt kinda flimsy.
Yates: I feel highly honored, but, I'm afraid I'm not much of a speechmaker. Nevertheless, Mr. Hammer, it was very nice of you to call on me.
Hammer: You must call on me some time! Yes, come up and see my flower beds. I'd like you to see my pansies. I have short pansies and long pansies. Next Spring I'm going to get some early bloomers.
Yates: I wouldn't dream of taking up any more of your time. I merely wanted to thank you all and, as I said before, I hadn't intended to make a speech at all.
Hammer: Well, you certainly succeeded.
Hammer: Now, the first musical number on the program will be a piccolo solo, which we will skip. And, eh, the second number will be Signore Pastrami, the Lithuanian pianist.
Hammer: Signore, for his first selection, will play "A Cup of Coffee, a Sandwich and You" from the opera Aida. Signore, allow me to escort you...
Mrs. Potter: Oh, Signore Pastrami, what is the first number?
Chico: Number one!
Polly: [singing] The skies will all be blue, when my dreams come true. And I'll be smiling through, when my dreams come true...