Hot Water (1924)
Title Card: Married life is like dandruff - it falls heavily upon your shoulders - you get a lot of free advice about it - but up to date nothing has been found to cure it.
Hubby: [gets hit with a spit wad] Bobby's here, isn't he?
[sees smoke coming from his chair]
Hubby: And Charley's here too, isn't he?
[sees his pipe in the trash]
Hubby: And Mother is here too, isn't she?
Boy: [to the motorcycle cop coming out of the pond] Hey, don't you know swimming ain't allowed in there?
Hubby: [thinking he overdosed his mother-in-law on chloroform] Mother, please don't die! Don't-don't make me a murderer!
Hubby: I'll never give up my freedom for a pair of soft-boiled eyes!
Hubby: Why don't you leave that kid at home and stay home with him?
Hubby: It's that mother-in-law of mine again! She has a natural gift for destruction.
Neighbor: Let me tell you how to handle your mother-in-law! I know all about them - - and I have the scars to prove it.
Wifey: Oh, hubby dear, I want you to bring home a few things for dinner. - And some bird seed - and laundry soap - and a box of matches - and a dozen eggs - and a pound of butter - and a dozen rolls - and a can of asparagus - and a loaf of bread - and some lamb chops - and a bag of flour - and two quarts of milk - and a leg of lamb - and a can of coffee - and a nice little cake - and some stove polish - and some bacon - just those few things, dear.