(2008 TV Series)
Episode: Strange Love (2008)
Yeah, has to be because Jason's a real stand up guy.
That boy is sex on a stick. I don't give a good damn how stuck up he is.
Oh, shut up. Sam is not an asshole, and he's totally in love with you.
Jesus, Sookie, you need to lighten up.
What's up, Gran?
I think he might have a hard time showin' up at the public library at noon on a Thursday.
I don't think so! Mac could have seriously cut you up last night!
Now you're setting up a date with a vampire. What do you have, a death wish?
No! But next time you think somebody's being harmed in the parking lot, pick up the phone and call the police. Do not go out there alone like a goddamn vigilante!
You willing to pass up all your favorite foods and spend the rest of your life drinking slim-fast?
Hey, how come you didn't tell me you beat up the Rattrays last night?
I hooked up with Maudette last night. We had sex. That's all.
Not a favor for me, for my grandmother. If, if you'll be up... well, I guess you will be. Would you mind meetin' me around the back of the bar when I get off at... probably around 1:30?
Score! I totally had you guys.
(1999 TV Series)
Episode: Remember When (2007)
Please. Wanna talk about stand-up guys?
Place up the beach. Sonny Spits from the Bronx rented it? That's where that hippie kid "mysteriously" drowned during that party. Heh, heh.
Guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.", she says. "Why?", he asks, "don't ya have a vase?".
Back in the day, 70's, fuckin' 80's, you didn't make a move in North Jersey without this one up your ass.
So the other guy, the one with the white hair thingies, what's his name again?
|3.||Law & Order
(1990 TV Series)
Episode: House of Cards (2005)
He seems like a pretty stand-up guy.
He won't talk. Stone is a good kid. Stand-up guy, just like his old man. That's the way I see it.
This guy could fuck up a cup of coffee.
You hear a little girl, Frankie? Is that a little girl, Ace? Is that a little fuckin' girl? What happened to the fuckin' tough guy who told my friend to stick it up his fuckin' ass?
Before I ever ran a casino or got myself blown up, Ace Rothstein was a helluva handicapper, I can tell you that. I was so good that when I bet, I can change the odds for every bookmaker in the country. I'm serious. I had it down so cold that I was given paradise on earth. I was given one of the biggest casinos in Las Vegas to run: The Tangiers, by the only kind of guys that can get you that kind of money. Sixty-two million seven hundred thousand dollars. I don't know all the details.
Matter of fact, nobody knew all the details. But it should have been perfect. I mean he had me, Nicky Santoro, his best friend watching his ass. And he had Ginger, the woman he loved on his arm. But in the end, we fucked it all up. It should have been so sweet, too. But it turned out to be the last time that street guys like us were ever given anything that fuckin' valuable again.
What could I say? If I had given them the wrong answer, I mean, Nicky, Ginger, Ace - all of them could have wind up getting killed. Because there's one thing you gotta know about these old timers, they don't like any fucking around with the other guy's wives. It's bad for business. So I lied. And even though I knew that by lying to Gaggi, I could have wound up getting killed myself.
Listen to me Anthony. I got your head in a fuckin' vise. I'll squash your head like a fuckin' grapefruit if you don't give me a name. Don't make me have to do this, please. Don't make me be a bad guy, come on.
A lot of holes in the desert, and a lot of problems are buried in those holes. But you gotta do it right. I mean, you gotta have the hole already dug before you show up with a package in the trunk. Otherwise, you're talking about a half-hour to forty-five minutes worth of digging. And who knows who's gonna come along in that time? Pretty soon, you gotta dig a few more holes. You could be there all fuckin' night.
You guys have to be kidding, adjourned? What do you mean adjoured? Mr. Chairman, Senator. You promised me a hearing, you won't allow me a hearing? You didn't even look at the FBI reports. When you were my guest, Mr. Chairman, Senator, at the Tangiers hotel, did you not promise me that I would have a fair hearing?
I think in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. For instance tomorrow morning I'll get up nice and early, take a walk down over to the bank and... walk in and see and, uh... if you don't have my money for me, I'll... crack your fuckin' head wide-open in front of everybody in the bank. And just about the time that I'm comin' out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your fuckin' head open again. 'Cause I'm fuckin' stupid. I don't give a fuck about jail. That's my business. That's what I do.
The guy is history as far as I'm concerned. History.
No matter how big a guy might be, Nicky would take him on. You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And if you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he'll keep comin' back and back until one of you is dead.
Get this through your head you Jew motherfucker, you! You only exist out here because of me! That's the only reason! Without *me*, you, personally, every fuckin' wise guy skell around'll take a piece of your fuckin' Jew ass! Then where you gonna go? You're fuckin' warned! Don't ever go over my fuckin' head again! You motherfucker, you.
For two days and two fuckin' nights, we beat the shit out of this guy. I mean, we even stuck ice-picks in his balls.
Hey, be fuckin' nice. Calm. Be nice. Don't fuck up in here,
You took your boots off? You put your feet on the table? You shit-kicking, stinky, horse-manure-smellin' motherfucker you. You fuck me up over there, I'll stick you in a hole in the fuckin' desert.
The town will never be the same. After the Tangiers, the big corporations took it all over. Today it looks like Disneyland. And while the kids play cardboard pirates, Mommy and Daddy drop the house payments and Junior's college money on the poker slots. In the old days, dealers knew your name, what you drank, what you played. Today, it's like checkin' into an airport. And if you order room service, you're lucky if you get it by Thursday. Today, it's all gone. You get a whale show up with four million in a suitcase, and some twenty-five-year-old hotel school kid is gonna want his Social Security Number. After the Teamsters got knocked out of the box, the corporations tore down practically every one of the old casinos. And where did the money come from to rebuild the pyramids? Junk bonds. But in the end, I wound up right back where I started. I could still pick winners, and I could still make money for all kinds of people back home. And why mess up a good thing?
And don't forget to tell your friends what happens if they fuck up around here. You understand?
Take this stiff and pound it up your fucking ass!
Take this one and stick it up your sister's ass!
You tied up our little daughter to a bed? What the fuck is the matter with you? Is there something mentally wrong with you?
But then his kid got nabbed by the Feds for drugs. So naturally, the bosses were afraid he'd come out of hiding and give them all up just to save his kid. So...
You call yourself a man? You know you're a lyin', low-life, motherfuckin' gambling degenerate prick? You know that's what you are? Two small kids at home. I gave you money to pay the fuckin' rent and buy groceries, put the heat on. You know your wife called Frankie and told him the fuckin' heat's off? Huh? And you didn't gamble that fuckin' money? You're gonna stand here and tell me that?
I want you to exit this guy off the premises, I want you to exit him off his feet and I want you to use his head to open the fucking door.
The little guy. He wouldn't be fucking the Jew's wife, would he?
If a guy fucking tripped over a banana peel, they'd bring me in for it.
No, you can't, you gotta make a reservation, it's all booked up.
It's impossible, it's booked up, you gotta make a reservation, it's very difficult to get in.
Back- Back up, back up a fuckin' minute here. One minute. I asked you? When the fuck did I ever ask you if I could come out here? Get this through your head, you...
Get this through your head you Jew motherfucker, you. You only exist out here because of me. That's the only reason. Without me, you, personally, every fuckin' wise guy skell around'll take a piece of your fuckin' Jew ass. Then where you gonna go? You're fuckin' warned. Don't ever go over my fuckin' head again. You motherfucker, you.
Come on, Anthony. We go way back. Don't make me do this, please. Don't make me have to be the bad guy here.
Yeah, thanks. Let me find out you fucked up, I'll leave you wherever I'll find ya!
Now here's this guy reading the dealer's whole card and signaling his buddy at this table.
I want you vacate this guy off the premises, and I want you to exit him off his feet and use his head to open the fucking door.
Ace, what happened over there? I mean, did you know that guy you threw out was with me?
Get him up. Come here.
Ace, listen to me. this guy obviously doesn't know who he was talking to, you understand? He doesn't know that, uh, we're dear friends. I mean, he's already very sorry. But, uh, if you could do me a favor to let him back in, I swear to you he'll never get out of line again. I promise you that.
You took your boots off? You put your feet on the table... you shit-kicking, stinky, horse-manure-smelling motherfucker you! You fuck me up over there, I'll stick you in a hole in the fucking desert! You understand?
Now, notice how in the count room nobody ever seems to see anything. Somehow, somebody's always lookin' the other way. Now, look at these guys. They look busy, right? They're countin' money. Who wants to bother them? I mean, God forbid they should make a mistake and forget to steal.
Bullshit! Bullshit! We all have a past. You have a past. I have a past. And my past is no worse than yours. But you guys think you have the right to pass judgement on me!
What's he doing? He knows those guys he yelled at are friends of ours. What's the matter with him? Making all this mess!
Are you out of your fucking mind? You tie up our kid and lock the fucking door? Are you out of your mind? That's our child. Are you out of your fucking mind?
I was just gonna be out for a little while. She was asleep. I was gonna be right back before she even woke up.
Fuck you. I was gonna be back before she woke up.
And let you disgrace me, you fucking pig? Let you disgrace me? Get up and be a mother. Get in the car and go to the house right now. Get up and get in the... get... get up. Get up!
Get the fuck... are you threatening me? I'll fucking kill you in this place. Get up and go home.
Well, it happened so quick, 3 guys won; I didn't have a chance...
Ward, you're pissing me off. Now you're insulting my intelligence; what you think I am, a fuckin' idiot? You know goddamn well that someone had to get into those machines and set those fuckin' reels. The probability of one four-reel machine is a million and a half to one; the probability of three machines in a row; it's in the billions! It cannot happen, would not happen, you fuckin' momo! What's the matter with you? Didn't you see you were being set up on the second win?
Wait! You didn't see that you were being set up on the second win?
(2001 TV Series)
Episode: Flash and Substance (2006)
Six o'clock... No! You're really coming? Awesome! You're a stand-up guy, Bats! Don't ever let anyone call you a crazed loner.
My ulcer's been acting up.
You are so cleaning this place up.
Hey, the bad guys went down, and nobody got hurt. You know what I call that? A really good day.
Here's the deal: you tell me where those guys went, and I promise to come visit you in the hospital. We'll play darts! The soft kind.
I was never fond of you, Flash. But I'm a reasonable man. If you'd just looked the other way once in a while, we could have co-existed in peace. Instead, you never let up. So you've gotta go.
G'day, mate. Captain Boomerang here. It seems that Mirror Master wasn't up to the task. Now it's my turn. I'm gonna kill you ugly, Flash, and I want you to see it coming.
|6.||A Bronx Tale
First of all, I respect you, Lorenzo, you're a stand-up guy and we're from the same neighbourhood, but don't ever talk to me like that again. I tell yor kid to go to school, to go to college...
I don't know about that, father. Your guy may be bigger than my guy up there, but my guy is bigger than your guy down here.
Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.
"I will never forget the look on their faces. All eight of them. Their faces dropped. All their courage and strength was drained right from their bodies. They had reputation for breaking up bars, but they knew that instant, they'd made a fatal mistake. This time they walked into the wrong bar."
Jimmy! What's up?
I worked the crap games and the guys gave me tips.
I told you. I worked for Sonny and the guys gave me tips.
|7.||The Bold and the Beautiful
(1987 TV Series)
Episode: Episode #1.5272 (2008)
Well, are they for real? Because if they're not, then - then I have made a big mistake encouraging this. I mean, I - Bridget should run from you as fast as she possibly can. I had you pegged for a stand-up guy, but - but I'm afraid that I've misread things. You wouldn't sleep with Bridget if you still were hung up on Brooke, would you? Nick, you wouldn't do that.
(1993 TV Series)
Episode: Dead and Gone (1994)
And piss runs uphill, right, Captain? An you're a stand-up guy.
It's IAB - they can't find their own heads up their asses!
You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "low class".
One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
Can you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.
Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
That's it. You're dead, mallrat! I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!
You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment...
Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!
Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"
You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit when two major comic book labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the same book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things! Like fix up someone's hair and get phone calls expressing romantic sentiments!
Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.
Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?
You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?
Why not? It's bound to come up.
Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.
Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.
How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?
You know what? There is NO Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!
You know, I think you ought to get him some help. He seems to be really hung up on super heroes' sex organs.
All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
Oh come on man it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand, you have to try 'em. They're awesome.
Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.
You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.
The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
You know that guy?
You two up for getting stoned?
I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of concerned guy.
You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Once I realized the both of you were in the mall together, I decided to set up this little ambush to remove you and your sidekick here from the premises, permanently.
Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
Are you nuts? The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!
And this guy does all this in a day?
This guy already introduced me to his mother.
Hey, I love tits as much as the next guy, but why should I pay some old hag good money for some supernatural chicanery coupled with a pair of sagging wrinkled weathered boobs?
Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.
It goes up-and-down. Ba-dum-cha.
Hey Hamilton! Let's try and wrap this up, alright? I promised her breakfast!
That is one of your more admirably deplorable traits. You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother or an entire senior citizens' community if you believed in the principle.
I get everybody's consent before we do it. Most guys get off on it. Men are easily amused.
Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met.
Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three! What happened to the third guy?
I never saw a third guy.
Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?
Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.
Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.
Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.
You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spider-man I did. When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping. Of course, the Green Goblin showed up, and he pumpkin-bombed the hell out of the place. But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing.
Aw Gil, just shut the fuck up!
|10.||In Plain Sight
(2008 TV Series)
Episode: Her Days Are Numbered (2010)
Is he a stand-up guy?
Oh, a little too stand-up. Talk about an agent who would collar his own mom? Suarez actually did. On a coke charge. Got famous quick.
So what's the holdup? She made their case, put away some serious dirtbag smugglers, right? Give the woman her green card. Who's the ICE guy in charge here?
They're stand-up guys
You're a stand-up guy. You're a real stand-up guy. You got a mouth, you can take a trimming. You could make things easy for everybody. But no. You gotta be a goof. You're real good. No violence. Strictly professional. I'd probably like you. I'd like to go to the track, ball games. Stuff like that, you know? Frank, there's ways of doing things that round off the corners, make life easy for everybody. What's wrong with that? There's plenty to go around. We know what you take down. We know you got something major coming down soon. But no, you gotta come on like a stiff prick. Who the fuck do you think you are? What's the matter with you? You got something to say or are you waiting for me to ask you to dance?
Look. I said fuckin' look at 'im! Look at what happened to ya friend 'cause you gotta go against the way the things go down. You treat what I try to do for you like shit? You don't wanna work for me, what's wrong with you? And then, you carry a piece, in my house! You one of those burned-out demolished wackos in the joint? You're scary, because you don't give a fuck. But don't come onto me now with your jailhouse bullshit 'cause you are not that guy, dont'chu get it, you prick? You got a home, car, businesses, family, n' I own the paper on ya whole fuckin' life. I'll put ya cunt wife on the street to be fucked in the ass by niggers and Puerto Ricans. Ya kids mine because I bought 'it. You got 'im on loan, he is leased, you are renting him. I'll whack out ya whole family. People'll be eatin' 'em in their lunch tomorrow in their Wimpyburgers and not know it. You get paid what I say. You do what I say, I run you, there is no discussion. I want, you work, until you are burned-out, you are busted, or you're dead... you get it? You got responsibilities - tighten up n' do it. Clean this mess up, get 'im outta here. Back to work, Frank.
I am the last guy in the world that you wanna fuck with.
Your criteria are so far up your ass, they can't see daylight! This is bullshit!
I got some A-B-C type information for you, lady. I was state-raised, and this is a dead place. A child in eight-by-four green walls, after awhile you tell the walls 'my life is yours.' What, didja grow up in the suburbs?
I wear $150 slacks, I wear silk shirts, I wear $800 suits, I wear a gold watch, I wear a perfect, D-flawless three carat ring. I change cars like other guys change their fucking shoes. I'm a thief. I've been in prison, all right?
See, I - I am a straight arrow. I am a true blue kind of a guy. I've been cool. I am now unmarried. So let's cut the mini-moves and the bullshit, and get on with this big romance.
You think I'm kidding, I can tell. This is strictly on the up and up.
OK, fuck this guy.
I have run out of time. I have lost it all. So I can't work fast enough to catch up. I can't run fast enough to catch up. And the only thing that catches me up is doing my magic act.
|12.||An Innocent Man
Fine. You want to be known as a stand-up guy? Fine.
If you don't off that buck, he and his partners are gonna make you their kid. They're gonna have you running errands, doing whatever. Hell, they might even make you real pretty. You ain't gotta stand tall in here... but you've got to stand up.
This guy's armed with a hair dryer.
Why would a guy take a shower during a dope deal?
Holy shit, Mike. We got the wrong house. This guy is a civilian. Shit.
A punk nigger with his nose up the brass's ass.
I gotta stop eating that Cuban food! It's ripping up my insides... ow!
She says you two guys threatened her.
It's kind of like preventative maintenance. Guys get weird ideas in the joint sometimes. But this call is special. You and your crusading cunt of a wife have caused us a lot of...
Look, with your help, we can get these guys dirty and put 'em away.
I'm gonna go along with you on this. But if you fuck up, and my ass ends up in a sling, you and I are going to go round and round.
Well, I guess I better not fuck up.
Hey! How did you get my pass set up?
Works around the joint. We do things for each other. Listen, somebody's gotta give you the game or you're fucked. It's simple in here. An insane place with insane rules. It all ends up being logical. If you're white, you hang white. Otherwise, the niggers are gonna eat you alive.
No, I don't understand. What am I supposed to do, fight three guys?
I didn't hire you because I thought you'd make a good patsy after losing a fight to some pipsqueak. I hired you because I thought you were a stand up guy who'd do his job and keep his mouth shut even if it meant getting scraped up a bit. You disappoint me, Bubba.
That's why it pays to have friends in low places. Like these two skanks. I figure I'll pay them to soap up the windshield of these two knuckleheads and I'll skip out. Then by the time they're wiping crabs off their eyebrows, I'll be long gone.
So you were hired to tail this guy and you just left.
|14.||Talk About a Stranger
Something doesn't stand up. A guy like Matlock who lives like a pig and dresses like a hobo, drives a nicer car than I do and has a $500 watch!
Guy who lived here got killed... he was murdered.
Sure, most likely... probably right where you're standing.