Starring: Chad Michael Murray, Paris Hilton, Elisha Cuthbert

3 out of 10 stars:

What good can come from a horror remake that features some under-ripe teen stars, one overexposed celebrity, and only a single waxy encasing? House of Wax has the answer: an hour's worth of aimless narrative, followed by some disappointing pick-offs, and an ending made memorable only by innovative set design. Let's just say you'd be more entertained by an episode of any of the cable shows from which this cast has been plucked; One Tree Hill brings better drama, and The Simple Life is more sociopathic than the evil forces at work here.

Forces like writing team Chad and Carey Hayes, who spend a long time establishing who their characters are while you're sitting there wondering who will die first. But the Hayes' are committed to giving you a full introduction to these six young people who are on a roadtrip to New Orleans. Carly (Elisha Cuthbert) is set to head to New York for an internship at InStyle magazine, much to the chagrin of her more reserved boyfriend, Wade (Jared Padalecki); Carly's brother Nick (Chad Michael Murray) doesn't care about anything, even his recent trouble concerning a stolen car; his buddy Dalton (Jon Abrahams) antagonizes Wade and does little else but capture different moments on his camcorder; couple Blake (Robert Ri'chard) and Paige (Paris Hilton) squabble and have sex in Blake's Cadillac Escalade.

Setting up camp for a night, the already tense dynamic is made worse by a strange smell coming from the woods. Then emotions run hot after an anonymous redneck cases their site from his truck. The next morning, Wade's suspicious car trouble throws a wrench in their plans, and someone (Carly) finally lands in a situation that suggests danger is afoot. It takes a while to get to this point, but Carly's discovery of a mass open grave (humans? not on your life) and the burial plot's curator-of-sorts is the long-awaited indication that things are about to get messy.

The gravekeeper, a yellow-toothed backwoods type, manages to split up Carly and Wade from the rest of the group, but he's really just a bridge to the movie's final ascent, as he lures the couple to a tiny, unmapped town. There only to score a fanbelt, Carly and Wade end up spending more time than they imagined after meeting Bo (Brian Van Holt), who appears to be the only resident around. That is sort of true, as Bo's life's work is a twisted enterprise, and residents and visitors alike end up staying put forever. But he's more like the trapper; his hideously deformed brother is the true builder of the town. And their monument to their mother is truly a welcome sight, as it is the only idea here that reeks of originality.

Everything else is by-the-book, and there's no artistry (aside from the fabulously conceived wax museum) in the experience. Director Jaume Serra, who was probably on his producer's leash, establishes an overall vibe that's more serial killer depravity set to a rap-rock soundtrack than a slow, oddly-seductive trap. And after the first, promising death scene, the rest are underwhelming -- and seem needlessly edited given it's an R-rated movie. It's somewhat entertaining to witness how non-resourceful today's teens are when it comes to defending themselves, and the movie indicates they're lost without OnStar and their cellphones.

Cuthbert and Murray survive the limitations of their respective roles, if only because their dynamic is a tabloid reflection of Reese Witherspoon's marriage to what's-his-face made uncomfortably sexier.

Proving development executives right, the audience cheered when Ms. Hilton's character was ceremoniously offed in the second best death scene. But the blue ribbon goes to Padlecki, because he screams like a girl.