Starring: Sigourney Weaver, William Hurt (I), Joaquin Phoenix, Bryce Dallas Howard, Adrien Brody, Judy Greer

4 out of 10

I: Do Not Watch the Bad Movie: You will feel Gypped.

II: Question the Source: The Director Who Will Not Be Named is Talented Indeed. But The Director Who Will Not Be Named is in a Straight-jacket of His own Making. He can not help Himself. Will No One Help Him? Will No One Slap Some Sense Into He Who Will Not Be Named?

III: Do Not Blame the Young Ones; Bryce Dallas Howard is a real find. Adrien Brody can be Forgiven and it helps explain that Dopey Haircut he's been Sporting Lately. Joaquin Phoenix is good at the Strong, Silent type.

IV: Question the Old Ones: Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney. Sigourney. Sigourney. How slight your Role is. William Hurt. What the Sam Hill?

V: Make No Movement in Your Seat: You may Wake Those Around you.

VI: Don't Review the Plot: You will get Angry.

VII: Do Not Write Stilted Corny Dialogue, Chock-Full of Declarative Statements from Out of the Blue: In Retrospect It Will Only Make Less Sense.

VIII: Don't Work for an Internet Company: You Will Only Be Allowed to See the Bad Movie the Night Before it Opens, Even Though Print Outlets Already Have Broken the Embargo and Their Review Are on Their Online Subsidiaries. You Will Be Up Late Writing Your Review. Sucker.