Starring: Tom Kenny (I), Jeffrey Tambor, Rodger Bumpass, Carolyn Lawrence, Clancy Brown

5 out of 10 stars: If you're reading this review, it's possible you're a parent attempting to find out whether SpongeBob SquarePants: The Movie, if you have any choice in the matter, is worth seeing. As such I realize that you have precious time on your hands. Here's a quick breakdown from the father of two boys who has spent many the hour singing the opening theme and is a self-admitted fan of the Nickleodeon TV show upon which it is based:

Pro:

1. SpongeBob has several scenes of hilarity.
2. SpongeBob does not have some pasted-on, treacly moral about the power of believing in yourself or that magic lies within our hearts. Whoops, actually, it does. Put that as #4 in the column below.

Con:

1. SpongeBob is rated PG. What the heck were they thinking making it a PG movie? Who needs to see Patrick's butt, or SpongeBob's butt? Who needs to see SpongeBob, not only hungover, but still drunk? Director and creator Stephen Hillenburg has always stated that part of the little guy's appeal was his innocence. What's innocent about a mouthy, inebriated kid?
2. SpongeBob is scary. One scene, with an angler fish that, instead of worm-like lure uses a little-old-lady dispensing ice cream, is rather freaky. Another, with a villain in a diver suit, is intense and goes on far too long (an ode to the original "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You" show?)
3. SpongeBob is weird. The David Hasslehoff stuff, while funny in the trailer, never pays off. The ending owes its allegiance to KISS Meets the Phantom and those LSD-induced Beatle cartoons. Not funny-weird. Just weird. What a bummer. Buy "Season Two" instead; it's out on DVD.