Starring: Ice Cube, Samuel L. Jackson, Willem Dafoe

2 out of 10 stars:

With a built-in audience and a bankable new agent, xXx: State of the Union should have been, at worst, a sequel-by-the-numbers success. But look out! Along comes sucky Lee Tamahori, who is more than equipped to sabotage the potential franchise.

Not that he can't set expectations, as the opening ten minutes suggest there's good stuff ahead. First there are some horses in a Virginian setting, then some 'splosions are set off in the pasture by fetishy-looking baddies who infiltrate the National Security Agency's headquarters, located underneath the otherwise typical farm. Stirred, agent Augustus Gibbons (the returning Samuel L. Jackson), the man who runs the operation and presumably the attackers' target, narrowly escapes peril. He regroups and, since his former special operative, Xander Cage (Vin Diesel), is no longer alive, he must come up with a new anti-hero capable of bringing down whoever is behind the domestic terrorist act. The frame-up is that quick and incredibly confusing, sort of like good a kung fu film with Vegas-inspired flourishes.

Of course, there's only one man for the job at hand: Darius Stone (Ice Cube), an ex-Navy Seal formerly under Gibbons's command who is now in lockdown (there's backstory here, one that's as garbled the details on Cage's death). Tamahori slams it into first gear with a drawn-out meeting between the old associates; amazingly, Jackson and Cube sputter instead of spark, the first tangible sign of trouble. A well-staged prison break sequence recoups some of the lost ground, but does it makes sense in the context? Not really. It does however reveal the fact that State of the Union will be more about punches, kicks, and daring pursuits/escapes and less concerned with the extreme sportsmanship of its predecessor. Which is fine; welcome, really. But why go on and on about Xander Cage then? For the first half of the film, not five minutes go by without some sort of reference to the deceased.

As for the second half, we wait for Stone and Gibbons to unravel a coup d'etat of which we're already aware. Planned by the Secretary of Defense (Willem Dafoe), the goal is to remove the weak-on-defense President (Peter Strauss) from power. It's not enough that we already know the details, but they also include Agent Steele (Scott Speedstick, who more and more reminds me of a body double for Matthew McConaughey given a chance to speak), and a double-crossing senator's daughter (Sunny Mabrey) who exists to be called a bitch before she's shot dead. The thread between the good guys gets thicker as it connects them to the President, who is convincingly dumb enough to believe he faces no potential threat. If there is no perceivable danger, why is Dafoe in the movie? (Sidenote: why does he play his character with a fraction of even the Green Goblin's intensity?)

You'd think that, as they approach the Beltway, the movie would ramp up. Instead, we're exposed to more characters whose ultimate purpose is to give Stone guns and cars. Aside from the gadget nerd (Michael Roof, from the first movie), Lola (Nona Gaye) is the main supplier; she's an old flame who now runs a specialty automotive business. The story angles for a Blaxploitation vibe between the two: he's all back from the past and on a mission; she's a strong woman in a man's game. Though just like Xander Cage, Darius is all balls and no cock.

The needless characterizations, weapons montages, and increasingly fake-looking stunts lead up to a march on Washingtion, and ultimately an ending cribbed from both Air Force One and Spider-Man 2. Even Ice Cube looks defeated way before it's time to go blow up the train and rescue the Chief Executive. With nothing to do but try and buff out his featureless character, the normally engaging star proves to be as unsure of himself as a third xXx movie.