Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Shane Brolly

The trailer for Underworld takes the three best minutes of the film and strings them together for an exciting, stylish, and compelling sneak peek. This is very wise, because if the marketers had decided to string all the banal, repetitive, and noisy bits together, their trailer would have been one hour and fifty-eight minutes long.

The premise was interesting and had possibilities. Two warring factions, those of the Lycans (werewolves, sewer dwellers who apparently had a hard time with the extra "thrope" syllable) and the Vampires, have battled for centuries. Selene (Kate Beckinsale) is a Death-Dealer and she wants vengeance on the werewolves who slaughtered her family somewhere in the 1600s. She dispenses Lycans with aplomb, but they've gotten bolder and have begun to surface from the subterranean hideouts. They also seem to be interested in a human named Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman, who reminds you a lot of several other actors, including Scott Speedman).

Selene is also concerned that the current ruler of her Vampire house, Kraven (Shane Brolly, possibly Scott Speedman again), is not alarmed enough by the emerging Lycan threat. She must go against everything she has ever known to defend her clan and that hunky Michael.

Vampires versus werewolves; for its limited scope, what could go wrong?

Lots. First off, these are two very boring warring factions, and they're boring in their warring for two very long hours. The Vampires lounge around their mansion, perhaps debating which brand of latex gives off the most appropriate black sheen. The Lycans, who would appear to have the upper hand based on strength and more flexible leather and cloth ensembles, not to mention a certain amount of ambition, are just a hirsute version of the boys in Fight Club. The Vampires are so blasé about everything that one begins to take a shine to the dirty werewolves just for having initiative. But the werewolves, led by Lucian (an unrecognizable Michael Sheen, who manages not to remind you of Scott Speedman), have such a dippy plot in mind that it's nearly impossible not to wish that one of these two camps didn't have access to more powerful weapons, just to settle the thing. As a human you feel quite superior not having to claim an allegiance to either side.

The action sequences -- and there are a number of them -- have virtually no suspense. Both sides are relatively immortal, so guns, knives and death stars are about as effective, and as interesting, as someone turning over a garbage can behind them as they run down an alley. You're actually afraid to yawn, however, as it might pop your ears, letting in the ricochets, caroms, screeches, roars and other bits of cacophony blaring from the speakers. The illusion of danger is never successfully mounted.

The real stake in the heart, however, is the bait-and-switch plot, which turns everything on its head without having earned our trust or acceptance in the first place. The filmmakers concentrate on Selene's feelings of betrayal, never seeming to realize that it's the audience that feels cheated.

The only one who does manage to emerge from this without too much permanent damage is Kate Beckinsale. Though she seems out of place, she brings a level of humanity to Underworld that otherwise escapes director Len Wiseman. He's aping Alex Proyas; it's a dubious style to imitate from the outset. Beckinsale is, of course, lovely to look at, but she is given the chance to portray something other than a disaffected, mythological construct. None of the others get that chance and this film chronicles two ignorant armies clashing by night, and nothing more.