29 November 2013 10:00 PM, PST | The Guardian - TV News | See recent The Guardian - TV News news »

It's the television equivalent of a religious pamphlet thrust on you by a benevolent creep, but with lower production values

Over the next few weeks, The Bible (Saturday, 9pm, C5), which dramatises stories from the, er, Bible, and drew 13 million viewers when it premiered in the Us, ascends to our screens. Sounds promising, doesn't it? Are you imagining a luxurious HBO televisual lapdance? Abraham as a complex Tony Soprano figure? A gnawingly stunning Mary Magdalene gazing up at you with inky eyes as she metaphorically washes your feet with her hair?

Well, if you are you're as stupid as me. You'd also be forgetting that America contains many millions of hardcore religious fanatics who've banned themselves from enjoying anything good. Harry Potter is too satanic. Game Of Thrones has too many sinful, god-cursed dwarves. They probably can't even sit down to a bit of Blue Planet for all the problematic science within. »

- Filipa Jodelka

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