Just kidding. Since I had such a good time toasting Mariah Carey's extensive canon yesterday, I thought we'd take a chance on another birthday girl today. Bow down to Stefani Germanotta, a.k.a. Lady Gaga, who will no doubt kick off another spectacular year of Lgbt activism and phenomenal pop culture sorcery beginning today. I hope she's wearing only the sleekest wig, blazer, and leotard set as I write this.
Shall we rank the superstar's 27 greatest songs, kids? I apologize for what I've left off, but I'll leave "marrying the night" to you Scotus-approaching domestic types.
27. "Boys, Boys, Boys"
Boys in cars, boys in bars! The Dr. Seuss version of boy-craziness.
26. "Christmas Tree"
Aggressive, Christmas-themed innuendo. She's the Star On Top, everyone.
Elton John by way of Billy Joel by way of drunken teenage poetry.