You may have heard that Sunday's Oscars was the worst ceremony in Academy history. I bet you also heard it was the best ceremony in Academy history. Get this: Neither is true! The Oscars were perfectly Oscar-y on Sunday, not dreadful or miraculous almost ever. Except for when host Seth MacFarlane stepped up to the dais. Oh God, guys. I don't watch his cartoon, The Hilariously Funny Family Guy Variety Hour or whatever it's called, but rest assured I won't be tuning in any time soon. We'll get to that in a bit.
Let's start with uplifting award handouts: I mostly applauded the night's winners, including the first honoree, the sexy, angular, tantalizingly clean-shaven Christoph Waltz. No doubt about it, the sinister gent is a talented looker. I have dreams where he stares at me like a cruel headmaster and I fall to the ground in sexual hysteria. »
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