- I'm not a socialist. I hate all politicians equally.
- Should Charles (King Charles III) ever be allowed to perch on the throne as king? The guy is to PR what The Cheeky Girls are to pop music - a bad joke in my view.
- I'm not interested in the Civil Service at all, they can all go.
- Jude Law, while a marvellous and talented actor, is frankly too wimpy to cut it as 007.
- I blame Pop Idol (2001) if it rains.
- I'm very comfortable as a slightly camp man. I can't be any other way, so if people want to imagine they're my gay lovers, more power to them.
- Lots of people with no ability go on to become famous, Spice Girls spring immediately to mind - the biggest selling female band of all time.
- I believe Hawkwind are the world's greatest rock band.
- Most people in the country don't watch The X Factor UK (2004) but you would never know that from reading the papers.
- We're in an age of new reactionism now. We don't want boundaries pushed, we want to contract. We want to play safe. Comedians can't make jokes about this, they can't make jokes about that. There's BBC policy units in overdrive, trying to control, control, control. (Speaking in 2010)
- He's made 15 million since he's left, that's 15 million socialist pounds, obviously, as a Labour prime minister. I feel slightly queasy when I think about Tony Blair's fortune and his big houses everywhere - socialist houses.
- I did go but I really wanted to leave. (On going to see the film Mamma Mia! (2008))
- We gave the world The Beatles, the Stones (The Rolling Stones), Marc Bolan, Hawkwind, Dan Woodgate, The Jam, The Smiths, Oasis, Blur, Take That, Spice Girls, D.J. Ironik. We are the gods of pop music, and yet we are utterly, utterly useless when it comes to Eurovision.
- I used to work on newspapers and so I used to get sent to see loads and loads of bands that everybody likes that I happened to think were terrible ... and Bon Jovi and Bryan Adams were pretty near the top.
- For the next five, six years, Phil Collins was in clover really, I don't think he could do anything wrong. I don't think anyone expected this balding, short man to be such a star really. (On the success of No Jacket Required)
- He stripped himself emotionally and stuck himself out there, sang from the heart about his marriage problems and God knows what else, and I think people related to that. (On Phil Collins)
- Just because something's popular doesn't make it right. Nazism always comes to mind on that score - and The X Factor UK (2004).
- Love him or loathe him, you cannot deny the guy's as cunning as a fox, slick as the Gulf of Mexico and just as oily. (On Tony Blair)
- I don't get it. The music's rubbish and the look is what Steve Strange was doing 25 years ago. What's new about Lady Gaga?
- I find the deification of Cheryl, who I'm sure is an absolutely lovely lady, but I find it one of the darkest things to have happened in my entire life.
- I bet they're the same people that buy Susan Boyle records as well. I can put them all in one big bunch. People with no taste whatsoever. (On people voting for Ann Widdecombe in Strictly Come Dancing (2004)).
- I love Wales. I love the rivers, I love Lowri (Lowri Turner), Charlotte Church, Tom Jones, Richard Burton - though I could live without Gavin Henson.
- Tony Blair ended up with five houses as a result of the boom years of Labour. And when he was interviewed by Andrew Marr about the five houses, Tony offered the righteous, socialist excuse that he has to look after his children, of which I believe there are four. Four children, five houses. So it's a little bit beyond a house per child.
- Elton John, Sir Elton, God bless him, I can't get over the fact every time I see it, I think: 'That's a thatch.'
- They used to call me Shirley back then because I had masses of curly hair and looked like Shirley Temple. I hated it. Sometimes they'd grab me and run me into this post in the playground with my legs apart. The nutcracker they called it. Never did me no harm - and I can harmonise with The Bee Gees. (On his school days)
- I could happily let myself go. I'm not that bothered personally - there wasn't much to lose in the first place! But I'm aware that other people judge me on my looks, especially as I work in television, so I make the effort to keep them happy. Botox? Hair dye? I could. Having an op to boost my buttocks? I'd rather spend the night in prison with George Michael.
- God-awful. (On "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey)
- It's a cracking tune and I love the video. (On "Like U Like" by Aggro Santos)
- I once got stuck in a motel in Carolina in America for a week with no money and all I watched was Hawaii Five-O (1968) back-to-back. I'm a big fan.
- What is the real crime? To occupy an empty house or to leave a house empty when people are without homes?
- Can't sing, can't dance, dull as cheese. What's left to say? If I had a daughter, would I want her to look up to a woman who can't sing and can't dance or would I want her to look up to somebody who uses their brain for the furtherment and betterment of mankind? (On Cheryl)
- Thank God for that! The great tragedy, he's one of the great drummers we've ever had. (On the story that Phil Collins was retiring from music in 2011)
- Glitter (Gary Glitter) has done his time, why shouldn't he be allowed to earn a living, and the song, Do You Wanna Touch Me, is a mighty fine tune, whatever you think of the singer.
- I've never voted for them in my life and, God willing, I never will. (On the Conservative Party)
- Frost is the worst detective in TV history. (On A Touch of Frost (1992))
- No offence to Inspector Morse (1987), but DI Jack Regan - that was Thaw's greatest copper creation, a really gritty, no nonsense, beat the living daylights out of the villains, back in the days when policemen could be policemen! (On The Sweeney (1975))
- If a mentally impaired shrieker like Susan Boyle can be a celebrity, I guess anyone can.
- A thin woman with a thinner voice. (On Victoria Beckham)
- Up with Tom Baker's, one of the two best celebrity autobiographies of all time. (On Antony Worrall Thompson's autobiography)
- Oasis have never been "the voice of a generation" as some dim-witted cheerleaders have insisted. They're an old fashioned, good-time rock'n'roll band in an era of faceless dance pap and music business sterility. For a brief, shining moment they had the whole nation 'Mad For It' and vowed to conquer the world. We applauded their hell-raising, aped the Liam swagger and willed them to become the biggest band ever. But that was three years ago. Endless bust-ups, messy personnel departures and two half-hearted albums later and it's all dribbling to a sorry conclusion. The rest of the world couldn't care less (and never did) and even Noel admits the band have already turned into The Rolling Stones - i.e. they can sell out Wembley Stadium, but record sales are hardly spectacular.
- Absolute diamond geezer. I won't hear a word against him. (On Rick Astley)
- I still think they're an incredible band. (On Echo & The Bunnymen)
- The most important thing we have to remember is that the very rich pay less tax. That's the objective of the government. The very rich were paying 50% tax, now it's gone down to 45%. But we've got to remember the priority in this country is to ensure the rich get richer.
- There's a small section of society - sometimes it feels like a large section of society - who are downright rude and unpleasant.
- Fabulous. (On Stacey Solomon)
- [on Gary Glitter] There was a time when everyone wanted to be in his gang. I was one of them. I paid a fiver for a giant yellow foam hand they were selling on the way to the gig and spent the whole concert waving it above my head like a loon. And yet, not long after that fantastic night, nobody wanted Gary Glitter to be their leader any more. His records stopped selling. His hits disappeared from the radio, never to return. Glitter, real name Paul Gadd, had been caught with thousands of sickening child porn images on his computer. He got four months, served two and was acquitted of having sex with an under-age girl. With no career to speak of, Glitter fled the UK on a yacht and later got nailed for child sex abuse in Vietnam. A couple of years back he threatened to write a book protesting his innocence but I've not seen it. God knows where he is now. Nowhere near your kids, hopefully.
- I'm a forgiving guy. I'm not one, for example, who thinks perverts should be killed at birth - something an old lady shouted at Langham (Chris Langham) not long after his release. I don't believe anyone is born a kiddy-fiddler either. Both Langham and Glitter had troubled childhoods. Langham even claims he was raped as a boy. I also believe once you've done your time, you've done your time. So will I be going to see Langham's new film, the name of which has completely slipped my mind, when it's released next month? Will I hell! The comic says he needs to work to support his family and I'm sure that's true. But what he needs is a proper job. The last thing he should doing is seeking our approval on the big screen, hoping we'll forgive and forget his crime as we shell out for cinema tickets. If that is what Langham's after, I hope he's left bitterly disappointed.
- Big up to Adele. She is just fantastic, no nonsense, speaks from the heart. God bless her.
- [on The Green Death: Episode One (1973)] I'm still traumatised by Doctor Who and The Green Death and I saw that well over 35 years ago.
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