- It's almost impossible to dislike me because I do nothing.
- I'm complicated, sentimental, lovable, honest, loyal, decent, generous, likable, and lonely. My personality is not split, it's shredded.
- My life seems like one big obstacle course, with me as the chief obstacle.
- I kid you not . . .
- Everyone thinks Ed Sullivan discovered The Beatles. That's not true. I had them on before he did. I did it because I thought they were funny, not because I liked the music. I'm a Muzak kind of guy . . . my home's like living in an elevator.
- [after returning from having walked off The Tonight Show Starring Jack Paar (1957)] As I was saying before I was interrupted . . .
- I hate my emotion. Knock it off, I tell myself, but I just can't help it.
- [in 1960, just before his on-air walking off The Tonight Show Starring Jack Paar (1957) when he discovered that NBC executives had censored his monologue] There must be a better way to earn a living than this.
- [on Steve Allen] I'm fond of Steve Allen, but not so much as he is.
- [introducing his favorite comedian] If you were to ask me the funniest 25 people I've ever known, I'd say, "Here they are--Jonathan Winters".
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