Twitter for
Dane Cook More at IMDbPro »

twitter.com/danecook
2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009

1-100 of 173 items from 2012   « Prev | Next »

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@LISALLA1 said: "I'm realist" -- I can see that. Well I'm a surrealist.

(11 hours ago )

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@LISALLA1 Ha -- I thought you would at least fight me a little on this one but instead you went with the 5 strikeouts reply. "Kkkkk true"

(11 hours ago )

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@LISALLA1 said: " #Girls just want to have fun!" - @DaneCook said: " #Guys just want to have sex!"

(12 hours ago )

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If I was trapped about to be gang attacked & you offered me a broken fish spatula & a wet magazine or Bradley Cooper. I'd have to think.

(12 hours ago )

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Don't wanna brag but I know very powerful people. I just watched a pre-screening of the SuperBowl on Air Force One with Tupac.

(12 hours ago )

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This is one of the worst things I've ever viewed but I can't stop singing it. I hate that this exists. DON'T WATCH: http://t.co/godlqdEi

(12 hours ago )

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I listen to the voice in your head.

(14 hours ago )

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It's #RThursday. Scroll back through my ramblings - RT posts that make your world a better place to rent in.

(15 hours ago )

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When in doubt kill everybody.

(16 hours ago )

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Wicked fricken pissa. Shit Boston Guys say: (Massholes) http://t.co/hYSkW0KW

(16 hours ago )

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RT @ColtonTran: Great comedy show last night at #Improv! Then to end the night on a high note @danecook popped in finished the show! htt

(1 February 2012 8:19 PM, PST )

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Blocking someone on Twitter is like banishing them to the Phantom Zone with Zod, Ursa & Non. #ThePowerOfOneButton #HaterJail

(1 February 2012 8:17 PM, PST )

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Got a text, email & voicemail -same person- within 3 min. Waiting for a pigeon with a note tied to it's leg cooing on my window ledge next.

(1 February 2012 7:19 PM, PST )

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Pfizer recalling birth control pills. Packaging error could lead to pregnancies. "Mommy, am I a gift?" -- "Ahh, more like a gaffe."

(1 February 2012 3:27 PM, PST )

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I just swatted a butterfly before it flapped it's wings successfully preventing a hurricane.

(1 February 2012 2:16 PM, PST )

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If you could just let me get in my zone for 30 seconds. I left my keys.

(31 January 2012 7:57 PM, PST )

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If you laugh it's funny. If you don't laugh it's hipster hilarious.

(31 January 2012 5:25 PM, PST )

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Christina Aguilera gives great head voice.

(31 January 2012 4:38 PM, PST )

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I suffer from pre-tramatic post game stress test syndrome.

(31 January 2012 3:40 PM, PST )

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Dating stinks. I asked a girl out, said she'd process the request & later emailed me a confirmation code.

(31 January 2012 11:49 AM, PST )

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Sorry about that last reposting all but my auto-correct changed the word "wrong" to "blocked" which is not so much auto-correct but Skynet.

(30 January 2012 8:17 PM, PST )

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Got a wrong # text. Called it. Outgoing message? My standup creepily slowed down. My plans tonight? Hmm, probably just getting murdered.

(30 January 2012 8:15 PM, PST )

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@KateUpton said" "I'll get you a pair." - Thanks Up. Weird coincidence. I lost my virginity in that tiki thatch Ewok hut gazebo behind you.

(30 January 2012 7:37 PM, PST )

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Newt Gingrich looks like an old lesbian.

(30 January 2012 6:37 PM, PST )

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I like make-up sex but prefer you're-never-gonna-win-this-argument-babe-so-stop-sulking-let's-bang-then-go-eat sex.

(30 January 2012 5:31 PM, PST )

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@tdirisio said: "your my screensaver on my phone. U should feel pretty honored."- Direct2Dane@DaneCook.com email ur # I'll leave outgoing VM

(30 January 2012 5:14 PM, PST )

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Make is wish... it's 5:04 on 1/30/2012.

(30 January 2012 5:04 PM, PST )

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Sexiest tube socks ever. http://t.co/gHbjiojv

(30 January 2012 4:58 PM, PST )

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FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.

(30 January 2012 12:12 PM, PST )

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uh huh right pshh

(29 January 2012 1:12 PM, PST )

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k

(29 January 2012 1:08 PM, PST )

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sex

(29 January 2012 1:03 PM, PST )

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weird

(29 January 2012 12:59 PM, PST )

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ummmm hellllllooooo

(29 January 2012 12:56 PM, PST )

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what else?

(29 January 2012 12:55 PM, PST )

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food

(29 January 2012 12:51 PM, PST )

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ha ... thanks

(29 January 2012 12:48 PM, PST )

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just relaxin'

(29 January 2012 12:45 PM, PST )

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sup?

(29 January 2012 12:43 PM, PST )

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hey

(29 January 2012 12:41 PM, PST )

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Canyon was a hot monster today. I sweat a bucket & as we say east coast "got a little color." Laugh Factory Hollywood tonight-come down.

(28 January 2012 5:08 PM, PST )

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I dated a prostitute but had to break it off when I found out she was having sex with another guy for no money.

(28 January 2012 4:14 PM, PST )

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It's not spelt raygay music you dummy.

(28 January 2012 1:11 PM, PST )

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This weekend GlitterBomb someone. Film + upload it. Email me the YouTube link. Direct2Dane@DaneCook.com - make some shiny unhappy people.

(27 January 2012 2:57 PM, PST )

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@TraceyMmm said: "So what if George Takai goes to jail and then offs himself?" - Hmm, if you guess the date correctly you win a Prius?

(27 January 2012 2:52 PM, PST )

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Twitter needs font colors for trending topics. A persons name in black they've died, red they're arrested & multicolored they're openly gay.

(27 January 2012 2:46 PM, PST )

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I dated a prostitute but had to break it off when I found out she was having sex with another guy for no money.

(27 January 2012 11:28 AM, PST )

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In the last week I've gotten thousands of emails & gifts. This cake is the tits. http://t.co/jAdvfeTd

(26 January 2012 9:15 PM, PST )

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I can't tell when I'm kidding.

(26 January 2012 6:28 PM, PST )

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I'm not Mr. Right. I'm Mr. Riiiiiiiight.

(26 January 2012 4:11 PM, PST )

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I wish I could ejaculate fortunes.

(26 January 2012 3:37 PM, PST )

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@courtney_cook "just took pic of the bro. Hope I'm this svelte by the time I'm 40. Secrets?" Stress, mono & photoshop. http://t.co/ub5TkT3p

(26 January 2012 3:18 PM, PST )

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RT @Tash_TashB: RT @RhinoReality: Let's get #rhinohearing trending today!

(26 January 2012 2:50 AM, PST )

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I'm a member of the taxiing for takeoff club.

(25 January 2012 7:41 PM, PST )

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Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has shoved a finger in one to increase pleasure.

(25 January 2012 3:09 PM, PST )

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We all know someone that suffers from a lack of substance abuse.

(25 January 2012 2:28 PM, PST )

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I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

(25 January 2012 12:16 PM, PST )

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RT @thechrisarmy: i like my coffee like i like my women, without a penis and an adams apple

(24 January 2012 5:51 PM, PST )

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I'm part of an elite Counter Productive Task Force. Today we made flyers. Printed them on the back of missing persons posters. #CPTF

(24 January 2012 5:30 PM, PST )

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I hate when my electric toothbrush loses charge & I have to use my girlfriends vibrator with a makeshift bristle coupling latched on top.

(24 January 2012 4:41 PM, PST )

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Very difficult to masterbate in a silent movie theater. It's best to wait until a chase scene.

(24 January 2012 2:18 PM, PST )

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IDEA: Mood cars. Vehicle color changes based on drivers behavior. Turns red; they're angry. White; they're sick. Pink: they're pregnant.

(24 January 2012 12:20 PM, PST )

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Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.

(23 January 2012 4:59 PM, PST )

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I just broke up with a girl in person. #OldSchool

(23 January 2012 2:44 PM, PST )

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I wonder what terrorists do for fun.

(23 January 2012 2:30 PM, PST )

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Watched hell of a game against Ravens. Congrats to our New England Patriots. Our pic looks like the worst lineup in sports history.

(22 January 2012 5:19 PM, PST )

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@billburr @garygulman @johncampanelli1 @thechrisarmy @paulhughescomic @wayneprevidi @keithfoti @chrisfluming #Patriots http://t.co/xYCWKroS

(22 January 2012 5:17 PM, PST )

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My Patriots are going to the SuperBowl!!!!! Moore swat was unreal. #Patriots

(22 January 2012 3:17 PM, PST )

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I've got the east coast gang at my pad. Ready to represent. #GOPATS

(22 January 2012 11:56 AM, PST )

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"Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying." - The Joker

(21 January 2012 6:59 PM, PST )

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Fuck it- I'm sayin' it. GIRLS OF THE WORLD relax with the instagram pix of everything in front of you all day captioned "(object) FUN !!"

(21 January 2012 4:42 PM, PST )

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Just ate a chicken wheat wrap in my fridge - 5 days old. It was like eating a damp roll of toilet paper brimming with antique food.

(21 January 2012 4:14 PM, PST )

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RT @kevingchristy: Positive energy hanging with @redban @danecook @bertkreisher @joerogan @brodyismefriend @nickyouseff @arishaffir #DE

(21 January 2012 3:46 PM, PST )

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This day refuses to end.

(21 January 2012 2:31 AM, PST )

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I'm performing - tonight - Laugh Factory - 10 o'clock show.

(20 January 2012 4:02 PM, PST )

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Burger King aka BK Lounge aka The Whopper Lair is now delivering. Finally, I'll get to hear them scream into my intercom.

(20 January 2012 12:07 PM, PST )

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I wake up and put on my exosuit cargo-loader one leg at a time just like you.

(19 January 2012 6:13 PM, PST )

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There is nothing more ferociously unstoppable than a reformed slut with intentions, know how & a pair of Louis Vuitton high heels.

(19 January 2012 2:29 PM, PST )

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A few real deal comedy record albums I've collected. Storytellers/provokers/fantastical minds/Innovators. #inspiration http://t.co/xx3udaUW

(19 January 2012 1:00 PM, PST )

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I'm a grown man but I'll admit I just drank a juice box while humming the theme song for The Great Space Coasters. #RegressedState

(19 January 2012 12:32 PM, PST )

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Thoroughly enjoyed @SteveMartinToGo -Last chance to read my New Yorker piece before it goes into the netherworld: http://t.co/wmYlOs8n

(19 January 2012 12:03 PM, PST )

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Listening to Patrice Oneal Mr P - please buy it $ goes to his fam. I loved him. He's legend. #funniest #truth http://t.co/h8MiNIdt

(19 January 2012 1:40 AM, PST )

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@KristynCarey "God's teardrop has a sequel, her name is Kristyn. But seriously, great set tonight. Welcome back." - thx girl see ya at work

(19 January 2012 1:35 AM, PST )

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@David_E_Lozano My boy @danecook stopped by the laugh factory tonight! So good! http://t.co/9m6pBmnP - thanks David - stay sharp- #beastmode

(19 January 2012 1:33 AM, PST )

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@ColbyGroves "A lot of respect. Some real man shit. We've all been there! The come back kid!" - calling year 20delve #growth #change

(19 January 2012 1:31 AM, PST )

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@dcollins61207 " thanks for the surprise show tonight!! Your back!!!" - incredible night - felt connected/something special happening

(19 January 2012 1:27 AM, PST )

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Some people fail perfectly.

(18 January 2012 2:36 PM, PST )

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RT @thechrisarmy: #MarkWahlbergSaid He could have stopped Hurricane Katrina with his bare hands.

(18 January 2012 2:34 PM, PST )

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#MarkWahlbergSaid he could've saved Kennedy by telling the bullets, "It would be in your best interest to miss."

(18 January 2012 2:19 PM, PST )

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Mark Wahlberg said he could've fought terrorists on his plane, preventing 9/11. Sadly for us his movie Rock Star just could not be stopped.

(18 January 2012 1:39 PM, PST )

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I'm in the mood for a blind taste test.

(18 January 2012 1:15 PM, PST )

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It's one of those days where you feel like ruining someones perfectly good marriage.

(17 January 2012 4:25 PM, PST )

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Cop: "Ma'am did you see the truck that hit you?" Ma'am: "Black, evil death skulls on fire, kinda dusty." http://t.co/vi0Q3aCH

(16 January 2012 4:40 PM, PST )

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@hitRECordJoe I only want to tweet one thing about the Globes. Hey, Joseph Gorden-Levitt next time turn just your fucking chair around.

(15 January 2012 11:19 PM, PST )

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Dear woman standing at the far end of a "girls night out" group photo having to lean in. Your days are numbered.

(15 January 2012 4:55 PM, PST )

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My #Patriots 1 word video commentary. http://t.co/6sKiMdKw

(14 January 2012 6:49 PM, PST )

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Forget the Teblow pose. Fellas take a pic in your Tom Brady Uggs (borrow your gfs) in support of our Patriots. #GoPats http://t.co/7j4sjgYy

(14 January 2012 2:46 PM, PST )

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It's a great to be alive day.

(14 January 2012 12:45 PM, PST )

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I miss the days when a girl was slightly remotely needy. I thought it was sexy.

(14 January 2012 2:15 AM, PST )

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Not hitting the town tonight after all friends - sorry for the 11th hour flake. Gonna get in some Call of Duty time & shout #GoPats !

(14 January 2012 12:22 AM, PST )

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2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009

1-100 of 173 items from 2012   « Prev | Next »

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