Twitter for
Michael Ian Black More at IMDbPro »

twitter.com/michaelianblack
2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009

1-100 of 2775 items from 2012   « Prev | Next »

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RT @robdelaney: Indy 500! #cars #vroom #oval #gasoline #wheels #race #loud #bright #fun #vroom #vroom #drive #wow #driving #Indiana #spo

(21 hours ago )

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If anybody is looking for a term to describe a sunburned vagina that is then breaded and served with cole slaw, I nominate "fried clam."

(22 hours ago )

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Each member of the Boston Red Sox is so hairy he could be an honorary Greek woman.

(26 May 2012 6:42 PM, PDT )

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HUSBAND OF THE YEAR: just fixed my wife a bowl of ice cream without making obligatory comment regarding the size of her ass.

(26 May 2012 6:18 PM, PDT )

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@Andy_Richter I can't tell if you're serious or not but this is a good solution. I have to say, though, it's A LOT of cargo.

(26 May 2012 11:41 AM, PDT )

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Help, I have all this cargo, nowhere to put it, and I want the lower half of my legs exposed. WHAT SHOULD I DO???

(26 May 2012 11:32 AM, PDT )

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Science question: fish don't actually poop in the water, right?

(26 May 2012 9:18 AM, PDT )

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@KenJennings @LouisPeitzman I've thought about this: if you say it in falsetto, it really doesn't.

(25 May 2012 8:41 PM, PDT )

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@Aaron0057 I thought those were called "Nippys."

(25 May 2012 8:40 PM, PDT )

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@SarahThyre @LouisPeitzman This is also a very good idea. Celebrity nipples would fetch a premium.

(25 May 2012 8:39 PM, PDT )

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@LouisPeitzman Bisect, but I'm open to different product lines.

(25 May 2012 8:38 PM, PDT )

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Product idea: "Zipples." They're zippers for your nipples.

(25 May 2012 8:32 PM, PDT )

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@indie_grunge She's obviously in love with me. Sorry, pal.

(25 May 2012 7:26 PM, PDT )

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@hodgman You IDIOT! If you just add U-R-P-A-L, you could have spelled FURRY PAL!!!

(25 May 2012 7:24 PM, PDT )

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Now I'm just kind of thinking about the leftover pizza.

(25 May 2012 7:02 PM, PDT )

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I end every phone conversation by saying, "Bye, Linda." Sometimes I am talking to an actual Linda and it feels like hitting the jackpot.

(25 May 2012 4:35 PM, PDT )

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RT @wmtonos: Mike and Tom eat snacks is the best thing to happen to road trips since roads. Thanks @CavanaghTom @michaelianblack

(25 May 2012 3:22 PM, PDT )

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Why is it not yet understood that "Hungry Like the Wolf" is the most important song of the last fifty years?

(25 May 2012 10:25 AM, PDT )

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RT @TankHughes: @michaelianblack "Give me that thing, or give me that other thing!" -Patrick Henry #famousthingquotes

(25 May 2012 10:10 AM, PDT )

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There's too many nouns. Most persons, places, and things could easily be referred to as "that thing."

(25 May 2012 10:06 AM, PDT )

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RT @Guinz: McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Open Letters: An Open Letter to Myself the Day After the 2004 Presidential Election.: http://t

(25 May 2012 9:48 AM, PDT )

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@SarahThyre @mrdavehill @lizzwinstead @therealdratch we are the heroes today, one and all.

(25 May 2012 9:45 AM, PDT )

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RT @SarahThyre: #FF These wonderfully funny writers @mrdavehill @lizzwinstead @TheRealDratch @michaelianblack http://t.co/9aQXgxxF

(25 May 2012 9:44 AM, PDT )

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Nobody is selling moon buggies for me to drive around in and, frankly, I don't get it.

(24 May 2012 3:55 PM, PDT )

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RT @N_YPress: Worst summertime NYC memory for @michaelianblack Being caught shoplifting at Tower Records http://t.co/wVYDYD7K

(24 May 2012 1:11 PM, PDT )

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@gabeliedman great suggestion.

(24 May 2012 10:46 AM, PDT )

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Recording audio book for "America, You Sexy Bitch." They keep asking me if I can sound "less gorgeous." Not likely.

(24 May 2012 10:45 AM, PDT )

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This is pretty sweet because they spent money in putting it in the Times. Suckers. http://t.co/PqCqiNpA

(24 May 2012 9:25 AM, PDT )

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RT @DamienFahey: Get this! My uncle knows how to fix the economy and he's giving away the secret for FREE on his Facebook Wall!

(23 May 2012 6:25 PM, PDT )

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@domestocrat @mikeandtom @cavanaghtom wow. That's a lot of snack listening. Congrats, viewers. (I know you're not viewers.)

(23 May 2012 6:09 PM, PDT )

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Sometimes I can almost convince myself that Republicans mean it.

(23 May 2012 5:37 PM, PDT )

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RT @amyschumer: Flight attendants: when you walk through the aisle, looking at us, saying "trash". We know what you are doing

(23 May 2012 5:35 PM, PDT )

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I think Jim Parsons is gay for political reasons.

(23 May 2012 2:28 PM, PDT )

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@thekabira Super sexy.

(23 May 2012 1:50 PM, PDT )

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RT @LouisPeitzman: It's 2012 and we still don't serve all food in a bread bowl.

(23 May 2012 1:46 PM, PDT )

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@SarahThyre Yeah? You think you'd have a hard time having a hard time getting a punch in the fucking face???

(23 May 2012 1:34 PM, PDT )

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In the right circumstances, I think I could get very into administering horrible, gratuitous violence.

(23 May 2012 12:38 PM, PDT )

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@robhuebel Yeah: like you. BURN!

(23 May 2012 12:35 PM, PDT )

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@FuelOnline Picture. Of baby turtle. On your Twitter feed. Saw it. Loved it.

(23 May 2012 12:32 PM, PDT )

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After following @fuelonline, I saw a picture of a baby turtle. So suck on that, dickweed.

(23 May 2012 12:07 PM, PDT )

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@EthanSuplee Thank you for at least acknowledging your misdeed.

(23 May 2012 8:55 AM, PDT )

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@JoshMalina Better.

(23 May 2012 8:21 AM, PDT )

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@JoshMalina This was beneath you in terms of ability.

(23 May 2012 8:12 AM, PDT )

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Sometimes I'll grab a handful of granola and eat it like a hiker but the joke is on the granola because I'm not going on a hike, stupid.

(23 May 2012 8:11 AM, PDT )

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Men who are obviously more attractive than me are the worst people in the world.

(23 May 2012 7:38 AM, PDT )

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Barbershop poles don't get enough credit for awesomeness.

(22 May 2012 7:40 PM, PDT )

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Get well soon @MJMcKean

(22 May 2012 7:39 PM, PDT )

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@robdelaney @damienfahey slurp slurp slurp I'm sucking your dick

(22 May 2012 5:57 PM, PDT )

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To this point, having only a vague idea of where most countries are located has not negatively impacted my life,

(22 May 2012 3:05 PM, PDT )

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Are we ready yet to admit that Pictionary was never fun?

(22 May 2012 1:19 PM, PDT )

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Pretty sure most people aren't spending nearly enough time thinking about me.

(22 May 2012 11:32 AM, PDT )

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@robdelaney Canada?

(22 May 2012 11:20 AM, PDT )

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@kevinpollak when am I booked?

(22 May 2012 10:25 AM, PDT )

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Do me a favor: don't ever correct me about anything.

(22 May 2012 10:24 AM, PDT )

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If time is money, and money is the root of all evil, then time is the root of all evil?

(22 May 2012 6:58 AM, PDT )

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"America, You Sexy Bitch" website now up. http://t.co/2DyVu9aY

(22 May 2012 6:56 AM, PDT )

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RT @WitStreamdotcom: A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety. - Aesop. Hmmmmmm. http://t.co/N7V3Z0xj

(22 May 2012 6:16 AM, PDT )

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@RachaelEHarris @AndyKindler I just want to thank my team at UTA, my amazing crew, and Andy Kindler, who shares this award with me.

(21 May 2012 7:22 PM, PDT )

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RT @jheddydelvalle: @justinbieber hi

(21 May 2012 7:20 PM, PDT )

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@RachaelEHarris ...Standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her? Because I can do that, too, Rachael. I can love you.

(21 May 2012 7:19 PM, PDT )

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What's happening in Syria is terrible but nobody's saying anything about guys who wear pleated khaki shorts.

(21 May 2012 7:17 PM, PDT )

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@andylevy @RachaelEHarris @AndyKindler That's not fair: "Andy" is a derivation of "Andrew."

(21 May 2012 7:12 PM, PDT )

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I find Shaquille O'Neal 15% less charming than I am supposed to.

(21 May 2012 7:11 PM, PDT )

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@AndyKindler @RachaelEHarris My children's names, by the way, are Torah and Mitzvah.

(21 May 2012 7:09 PM, PDT )

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@AndyKindler @RachaelEHarris Frankly, I am offended that you find the Holocaust "gratuitous."

(21 May 2012 7:08 PM, PDT )

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@RachaelEHarris @AndyKindler My list is only two words: the names of my children, Rachael... the names of my children.

(21 May 2012 7:03 PM, PDT )

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@RachaelEHarris @AndyKindler It's just how they did it at the off-loading ramp at Auschwitz.

(21 May 2012 7:00 PM, PDT )

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@ShawnGarrett @SteveHuff I have a team in Bangladesh working on it now.

(21 May 2012 6:58 PM, PDT )

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@FilthyRichmond I did it because you're always screaming at the neighbor dog. Leave that dog alone.

(21 May 2012 6:54 PM, PDT )

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@RachaelEHarris @AndyKindler I'm rooting for you, too Rachael. Andy not as much.

(21 May 2012 6:53 PM, PDT )

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@SteveHuff This one's on the house, buddy. Put the razor down and go pour some bourbon down your throat.

(21 May 2012 6:51 PM, PDT )

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@AndyKindler You don't understand - I root for them BECAUSE they win so much. I don't need any more losing in my life.

(21 May 2012 6:51 PM, PDT )

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@SteveHuff I am a very famous celebrity tweeting to you so now your Klout score will go through the roof. I'm awesome like that.

(21 May 2012 6:45 PM, PDT )

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When a critic says something is "wickedly funny," that means it is not funny.

(21 May 2012 6:35 PM, PDT )

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@wilw what is "hockey?" Is this a Star Trek reference?

(21 May 2012 6:02 PM, PDT )

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@AndyKindler It is. Thanks for understanding.

(21 May 2012 6:00 PM, PDT )

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Maybe I don't know understand the law of cause and effect, but no matter how much I scream at my television, the Yankees still don't hit.

(21 May 2012 5:46 PM, PDT )

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RT @MattGoldich: Don't look directly into the sun or you could end up a Chinese dissident.

(20 May 2012 6:28 PM, PDT )

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@Massawyrm As long as you promise to never stop.

(20 May 2012 6:22 PM, PDT )

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I think I ran out of things to say about my dick. :(

(20 May 2012 6:18 PM, PDT )

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RT @JennyJohnsonHi5: LMFAO look like guys you'd buy inflatable hammers from at Six Flags.

(20 May 2012 6:16 PM, PDT )

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My comings and goings need more pyrotechnics.

(20 May 2012 12:55 PM, PDT )

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@meganpratz thank you so much.

(20 May 2012 12:52 PM, PDT )

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@meganpratz did you like it?

(20 May 2012 12:28 PM, PDT )

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Pretty good joke I just thought of: You're so dumb your forehead is a threehead.

(20 May 2012 6:32 AM, PDT )

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Bitch, don't even tell me I'm not gonna drink my tea outside in this weather.

(20 May 2012 6:04 AM, PDT )

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Now I am following @trevorjudesmith. I suggest you do the same.

(20 May 2012 6:03 AM, PDT )

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Shut up. Fuck you. RT: @BattleshipMovie The ultimate battle at sea is almost here! Get advance tickets to see #Battleship

(19 May 2012 5:34 PM, PDT )

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"If you throw up, I will make you eat it." - actual thing I just said to my child regarding cole slaw.

(19 May 2012 5:18 PM, PDT )

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@billyeichner Re-reading... yes, you're right. Big fake black. Yep.

(19 May 2012 4:10 PM, PDT )

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@billyeichner Read the terms of service. It's in there.

(19 May 2012 4:04 PM, PDT )

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@billyeichner It's meant to refer to big fake tits.

(19 May 2012 4:00 PM, PDT )

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Perfect, Ann. Thanks. RT: @AnnCoulter liberals ecstatic obama is "1st gay president." who are the "teabaggers" now?

(19 May 2012 3:51 PM, PDT )

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Opthamologically speaking, I'm far more impressed by the fact that you can see London and France from here than my undergarments.

(19 May 2012 3:43 PM, PDT )

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@LouisPeitzman I'd have to run the numbers on my algorithm machine.

(19 May 2012 3:13 PM, PDT )

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If anybody wants to understand the purpose of Twitter, please refer to my last tweet. Thanks.

(19 May 2012 3:10 PM, PDT )

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My sneeze patterns: 1 = below average. 2 = average. 3+ = above average.

(19 May 2012 3:09 PM, PDT )

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99% of you did not do as much mulching as I did today. I am the 1%.

(19 May 2012 12:41 PM, PDT )

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Oh hi hammock, you seem kind of lonely. Mind if I lay on top of you for the next eighteen hours?

(19 May 2012 8:23 AM, PDT )

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@Caissie @janewiedlin "Hawaiian pizza" is a famous euphemism for accidentally getting pregnant.

(18 May 2012 6:56 PM, PDT )

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2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009

1-100 of 2775 items from 2012   « Prev | Next »

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