- Hosting a talk show is the easiest job anybody ever had.
- Beware of assuming that credentials establish intelligence.
- We pride ourselves on the high moral standards of our programmes and I mean that sincerely. We don't resort to sex or crime or violence or drinking...on the programmes.
- If my mind ever listened to what my mouth said, I'd have a lot of accounting to do.
- Nothing is quite as funny as the unintended humor of reality.
- [on Milton Berle] He's been on TV for years and I finally figured out the reason for his success. He never improved.
- Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.
- Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.
- If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed.
- In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.
- I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.
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