January 2015 Cheesefest
The best of the best of the worst.
The most wonderful cheese of the years.
The most wonderful cheese of the years.
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- DirectorGreydon ClarkStarsJohn IrelandYvonne De CarloJack KruschenThe janitor at a local high school is actually the scout for a coven of Satanists on the lookout for a virgin to sacrifice. One day he kidnaps the cheerleading squad to use for their rituals. However, unbeknownst to the devil-worshipers, one of the cheerleaders is actually a witch, and has plans of her own for the Satanists.Cheesy fun with loads of bad acting. Starts slow but has good final third, I loved the cheerleading teacher. Better than expected.
- DirectorSean McNamaraStarsSkyler ShayeJanel ParrishLogan BrowningDuring their first year of high school, four best girlfriends face off against the domineering student body President, who wants to split them up into different social cliques.It appears that the low rating is a socio/political response to the overly crass commercialism that pervades every aspect of this product driven movie. Seems like a competently made movie about strangely perfect aliens who live to consume and shop, fairly entertaining if you just accept it's pop culture philosophy.
- DirectorTom DeSimoneStarsCandice RialsonLarry GelmanJane KeanA young woman who works in a beauty parlor discovers that her vagina can talk, which causes her no end of trouble.Way less dirty than a film about a talking vagina should be, I guess they did not want to offend anyone. Until you can show me the talking parts, don't waste my time. A very funny modern retelling could be done, without the singing! Where are the black or asian people?
- DirectorAndy SidarisStarsSteve BondDona SpeirHope Marie CarltonAfter his brother got eliminated in Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987), a crime lord triggers a ruthless hunt against all agents responsible, and the remaining agents will have to avenge their fallen comrades.It's very hard to keep the Sidaris movies separate as they have similar plots and casts. Super hot naked women, exotic locales and loads of action and explosions. I honestly love how they put all their money on the screen and then spent $1.49 on the credits.
- DirectorGodfrey HoStarsCynthia RothrockDon NiamJohn MillerKristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock) avenges her sister's death at the hands of a crazed martial arts rapist.I had forgotten how short Ms Rothrock is. Awesome/hilarious white people karate movie. The bad guy is insanely great and the movie goes light on the rape. What kind of gang is she in? Gay Korean men and short white women? Secretly, this movie is about eye gouging, be warned.
- DirectorDon EdmondsStarsDyanne ThorneMax ThayerJerry DelonyIn the vast deserts of the Middle East, lascivious harem keeper Ilsa joins the sex-trafficking ring of a maniacal sheikh who imports helpless female slaves for his perverse amusement.By Oil Sheiks, we mean american actors in Hollywood. Good enjoyable sex and violence but story is so ridiculous and predictable. I hope Henry Kissinger saw this portrayal of himself.
- DirectorJust JaeckinStarsTawny KitaenBrent HuffZabou BreitmanGwendoline, a runaway nun, arrives in Hong Kong on a mission to find her father, who was last seen in the legendary Land of the Yik Yak searching for a rare butterfly. She's guided on her perilous journey by the selfish mercenary Willard.Ugh! A tortuous slog of terrible people overacting amidst bizarre and ugly sets. How could I be bored by so many topless women? I took to calling the two leads " Angry Violent Jerk " and "Spoiled Oblivious Twit".
Not fun. - DirectorDenis SandersStarsWilliam SmithAnitra FordVictoria VetriA powerful cosmic force is turning Earth women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually.Poor lighting hurts what should be a great story. Pretty tame.
- DirectorJ.F. LawtonStarsShannon TweedBill MaherKaren M. WaldronThe U.S. government, eager to protect the nation's avocado supplies, recruits feminist professor Margo Hunt to make contact with the Piranha Women, an all-female tribe who believe men are only good as a source of food.Doh! Talky, unfunny, unsexy, comedy about feminism. Bill Maher just keeps prattling on and on. Worst movie so far.
- DirectorDavid DeCoteauStarsAndras JonesLinnea QuigleyRobin StilleAs part of a sorority ritual, pledges and their male companions steal a trophy from a bowling alley; unbeknownst to them, it contains a devilish imp who makes their lives a living Hell.Great title for a bad movie. A slow, dark, boring proto-Wishmaster. Neither fun nor scary and not enough sexy.
- DirectorFred Olen RayStarsGunnar HansenLinnea QuigleyJohn Henry RichardsonA detective embarks on a mission to track down a woman in L.A.'s seedy nightclubs, only to come face-to-face with a blood-thirsty cult of lethally beautiful prostitutes. Is he the next victim of Hollywood's demented Chainsaw Hookers?Genius title and premise about Satanist Hookers dismembering johns to provide sacrifices. Low budget and very tame on the gore, heavy on the boobs. Only moderately enjoyable, a little too talky.
- DirectorErwin C. DietrichStarsElisabeth FelchnerKarin HeskeRenate KaschéIn the last days of WW2, women are volunteering from all over Germany to serve in the front lines by having sex with Nazi soldiers.Barely in the nazisploitation genre. This is like a Carry On movie except with Nazi's. Very mild sex comedy with pretty girls.
- DirectorFrank HenenlotterStarsJames LorinzJoanne RitchiePatty MullenA medical student sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of Manhattan street prostitutes.Want a date? A demented semi classic with tons of hot chicks, body parts and genuinely twisted humor. A New York movie too! A good time was had by all.
- DirectorGreg CoraritoStarsMichael PatakiBob MinorStephen StuckerThree mental patients--a bad impersonator, a baseball player, and a gay fashion designer--escape their asylum and sexually assault their way into a girls' private school. The girls' education includes wrestling and karate, so the three madmen will find stern opposition they never expected.Such big boobs on those "girls". Three escaped lunatics stumble onto a school for tough, large breasted women. Tamer than it sounds. Don't fear for the girls safety..
- DirectorTom DeSimoneStarsLinda CarolWendy O. WilliamsPat AstA new group of girls arrives at Pridemore Juvenile Facility, where the brutal warden plays favoritism with a few, and treats the rest like animals. But one girl is not taking this horrible treatment lying down.Heavy handed and by the numbers. The school looks like a casting call for a Motley Crue video. Tries too hard to be campy, lotsa boobs though.
- DirectorRino Di SilvestroStarsAnn-Gisel GlassSebastiano SommaTony SerranoA young street girl from Amsterdam seeks a new life away from prostitution.Now this is what I call Eurosleaze! Lurid tale of blank faced girl and her terrible life of prostitution and pimps and drugs and finding love. Crazy lurid plot lurches all over the place. Lotsa sex and drugs, and FURS. Most of the hookers are wearing nice Furs?
- DirectorRoss HagenJohn StewartStarsTroy DonahueRoss HagenHoke HowellClick: The Calendar Girl Killer is a thriller that probes the inner sanctum of the mind of a psychotic killer as he uses the world of big fashion photography for his sadistic playground.Porno level budget, production and acting but not porno sex. Unremittingly bad.
- DirectorWilliam F. ClaxtonStarsStuart WhitmanJanet LeighRory CalhounGiant mutant rabbits terrorize the south-west.Herds of giant rabbits are neither scary nor funny. Oh, the noises they make! More like four boring nights of the lepus.
- DirectorGeorge McCowanStarsRay MillandSam ElliottJoan Van ArkA group of helpless victims celebrate a birthday on an island estate crawling with killer amphibians, birds, insects, and reptiles.Title is misleading, it should be called "Nature". Ecological horror meets bad Southern Gothic. Plot heavy for the first half and the second half kinda goes out with a whimper. Great idea but it is hard to make frogs and other small swamp creatures either lethal and scary.
- DirectorBert I. GordonStarsMarjoe GortnerPamela FranklinRalph MeekerA group of friends travel to a remote Canadian island to hunt, only to be attacked by giant killer animals which have populated the place.I had high expectations for some reason. Badly written and terrible monster effects were okay until they started killing the rats. I'm no vegan, but watching real rats die for a stupid movie is just depressing.
Frack this movie. - DirectorWilliam GirdlerStarsChristopher GeorgeLeslie NielsenLynda Day GeorgeA battle for survival ensues after a group of hikers encounters a chemically imbalanced forest.Not so scary tale of a depleted ozone layer driving all of the mountain creatures mad. Leslie Neilson is easily the scariest animal to be found. Mainly, this movie is for the dogs.
- DirectorJeff LiebermanStarsDon ScardinoPatricia PearcyR.A. DowA storm causes some power lines to break and touch the ground, drawing millions of man-eating worms out of the earth, and into town where they quickly start munching on the locals.Very creepy atmosphere and a million very real worms set up is let down by a stupid romantic subplot. Two redheads in love with each other just seems weird. More scary than cheesy.
- DirectorBernard L. KowalskiStarsStrother MartinDirk BenedictHeather Menzies-UrichA college student becomes lab assistant to a scientist who is working on a serum that can transform humans into snakes.Two points for using Real snakes! 1973 special effects were not up to what the story required. Kinda tame and fangless horror, Dr. Stoner? ..., snicker snicker.
- DirectorDonald G. JacksonR.J. KizerStarsJulius LeFloreRCBRoddy PiperAfter a worldwide nuclear war, where 68% of the male population was wiped out and virile men becoming a rarity, Sam Hell, a scavenger and a highly virile man, is assigned to help rescue a group of fertile women kidnapped by humanoid frogs.Great idea but never lives up to early promise. I would rather this was made by a sleazy Italian co. of the 70s. Too tame and let down by bad acting.
- DirectorWoo-sang ParkY.K. KimStarsY.K. KimVincent HirschJoseph DiamandA martial arts rock band goes up against a band of motorcycle ninjas who have tightened their grip on Florida's narcotics trade.A masterpiece of nonsense and insanity. Rock and Roll! Tae Kwon Do! University of Central Florida! Homoerotic Male bonding! Amazingly Tall Dork Hero! Ninjas on motorcycles! Yes, that's right, those super secret, fabled to exist, JAPANESE, Ninjas on motorcycles. A hearty Bravo! to all involved in this classic.
- DirectorEddie NicartStarsWeng WengYehlen CatralCarmi MartinThe diminutive Agent 00 must rescue a kidnapped scientist and stop a mysterious warlord from taking over the world.Hugely entertaining straight faced Bond knock off. Great action and stunts and dialogue to die for. Two tiny thumbs up!
- DirectorAnnabel JankelRocky MortonStarsBob HoskinsJohn LeguizamoDennis HopperTwo Brooklyn plumbers, Mario and Luigi, must travel to another dimension to rescue a princess from the evil dictator King Koopa and stop him from taking over the world.A testimony to how humanity can waste resources on nothingness. Loud, busy, stupid, confusing and over plotted to a crazy degree. I want some of the drugs that went into making this expensive nonsense.
- DirectorDanny LeinerStarsAshton KutcherSeann William ScottJennifer GarnerTwo potheads wake up after a night of partying and cannot remember where they parked their car.As funny as a PG rated Weed-less stoner comedy that has Ashton Kutcher can be. Is that a recommendation? It's like being the best American light beer or best frozen pizza.
- DirectorLouis J. GasnierStarsDorothy ShortKenneth CraigLillian MilesCautionary tale that features a fictionalized take on marijuana use. A trio of drug dealers lead innocent teenagers to become addicted to "reefer" cigarettes by holding wild parties with jazz music.Not much madness, heavy handed and stern. Short though.
Don't do drugs, drugs are bad Mm'kay. - DirectorJun FukudaStarsTadao TakashimaAkira KuboBibari MaedaA reporter stumbles upon weather experiments on a tropical island, discovering giant mantids, a cast away woman, and an infant monster that Godzilla must adopt and learn to raise as one of his own.Most of the cheesy parent/child monster moments are in the second half, otherwise it's a normal Godzilla on an island movie. Save us from genius scientists please.
- DirectorJ. Robert WagonerStarsRudy Ray MooreCarol SpeedJimmy LynchRudy Ray Moore's fourth in a series of cult favorites finds him playing an ex-cop called back into action to stop an angel dust producer. The angel dust hallucinations alone are well worth the price of admission!I had expected Dolemite but this turns out to be a crazy ass anti drug movie. In 1979, it was PCP that was ruining the ghetto. Cop turned DJ turned crime fighter?, must happen all the time. Put your weight on it.
- DirectorAmir ShervanStarsRobert Z'DarMathew KaredasJanis FarleyJoe Marshall and Frank Washington are two tenacious police detectives who seek at all costs to stop the Katana, a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers who want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles.This is some prime cheese. Ridiculous male models and bodybuilders pretending to be cops and bad guys. Award for worst police force of all time. Award for worst hair of all time. DVD cover is completely misleading. Laughably bad but quite enjoyable. And they are making a sequel.
- DirectorJohn CarrPhillip MarshakTom McGowanStarsBarbara WylerJamie ScogginStacey Lyons"Night Train to Terror" is a 1985 horror anthology movie where God and Satan are on a train discussing the fate of three individuals.Whoa, be prepared for one crazy movie. It's like a Japanese movie dubbed into English. Nothing makes sense, the 3 stories are pointless, and that damn song keeps replaying. God is played by "Himself" and Richard Moll is cast as a NOBEL PRIZE winner. This goes next to "The Room" on the Best Bad Movie Shelf.
- DirectorRobert BiermanStarsNicolas CageMaria Conchita AlonsoJennifer BealsAfter an encounter with a neck-biter, a publishing executive thinks that he's turning into a vampire.I appreciated it more now than I did when it came out 25 years ago. Like a great wine a crazy, bug-eating Nic Cage only gets better with age. Stunned at what I was hearing most of the time, and Cage has this weird nasal faux british accent that is unique. Demented.
- DirectorMarino GirolamiStarsIan McCullochAlexandra Delli ColliSherry BuchananAn expedition in the East Indies, encounters not only the cannibals they were looking for, but also an evil scientist and his zombie army.AKA Dr. Butcher MD (Medical Deviate). Very few Zombies, absolutely no Holocaust. This is a quite gory, rather normal Italian jungle cannibal movie with a mad surgeon. The opening period in New York is poorly linked to the rest of film. Fairly entertaining, the main characters were very dumb.
- DirectorRobert FuestStarsErnest BorgnineEddie AlbertIda LupinoA satanist cult leader is burnt alive by the local church. He vows to come back to hunt down and enslave every descendant of his congregation, by the power of the book of blood contracts, in which they sold their souls to the devil.Finely aged Satanic goodness. Shatner is in the down period of his career, so he's not the hero. Ernest Borgnine obviously loved being the bad guy. So much rain in the desert? Has to have the record for most screen time devoted to people melting. Gotta love those seventies. Could not spot Travolta, and I was looking.
- DirectorJordan RubinStarsRachel MelvinCortney PalmLexi AtkinsA fun weekend turns into madness and horror for a bunch of groupies looking for fun in a beaver infested swamp.Great ideas and okay monster puppets are let down by a plot that just peters out.
- DirectorJohn De BelloStarsDavid MillerGeorge WilsonSharon TaylorA group of scientists band together to save the world from mutated killer tomatoes.I've tried to watch this movie three times and each time, I've shut it off in disgust after 5 minutes. Low budget G rated campy singing is like Kryptonite to me. I'll try again in 2028.
- DirectorAnthony C. FerranteStarsIan ZieringTara ReidJohn HeardWhen a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature's deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.Not as bad as I had been led to believe but extremely ridiculous none the less. Tara Reid was the scariest creature in the movie. No hurricanes in the Pacific eh?
- DirectorJan de BontStarsHelen HuntBill PaxtonCary ElwesTwo storm chasers on the brink of divorce must work together to create an advanced weather alert system by putting themselves in the cross-hairs of extremely violent tornadoes.So stupid, from top to bottom, stupid people doing stupid things. Bill and Helen in Die Hard with a Tornado. Suck zone indeed.
- DirectorHal NeedhamStarsBurt ReynoldsSally FieldJerry ReedThe Bandit is hired on to run a tractor-trailer full of beer over state lines, in hot pursuit by a pesky sheriff.Good natured car chase movie with a slight plot. Personally, I prefer this type of movie with a little more sex and violence, but I can see why this appealed to the masses. There's something about Burt's moustache that makes him sexier and funnier but drains him of all acting ability.
- DirectorJohn McNaughtonStarsKevin BaconNeve CampbellMatt DillonA police detective uncovers a conspiracy behind a case involving a high-school guidance counselor when accusations of rape are made against him by two female students.Some of the finest big budget cheese. All star cast, faux porno sexy, amazing music and the greatest and longest string of plot twists I've ever seen. Tasty.
- DirectorLawrence KasdanStarsMorgan FreemanThomas JaneJason LeeFriends on a camping trip discover that the town they're vacationing in is being plagued in an unusual fashion by parasitic aliens from outer space.Moves along okay until draggy ending. Bad and crazy plot makes no sense and Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore are in a totally different movie. All Star Crap.