Choose the film with the funniest crooks.
Guys and Dolls
In New York, a gambler is challenged to take a cold female missionary to Havana, but they fall for each other, and the bet has a hidden motive to finance a crap game. (150 mins.)
“ Big Jule: If it gets around in Chicago that I went to a prayer meeting, no decent person will talk to me! ” - horn-5
Four small-time gangsters from Copenhagen trick a gangster boss: they take over 4,000,000 kroner which they were supposed to bring him... (109 mins.)
“ Stefan: Whose blood is it?
Peter: Oh, just some customers'. ” - horn-5
Little Miss Marker
Little Martha Jane, aka Little Miss Marker (Temple) is left with the bookmaker Sorrowful Jones by her dad as part of a bet on a horserace... (80 mins.)
“ Sorrowful 'Sir Sorry' Jones: All right, take his marker. A little doll like this is worth twenty bucks any way you look at it.
Regret: Yeah, she ought to melt down for that much. ” - horn-5
Unscrupulous boxing promoters, violent bookmakers, a Russian gangster, incompetent amateur robbers, and supposedly Jewish jewelers fight to track down a priceless stolen diamond. (104 mins.)
“ Customs official: Anything to declare?
Avi: Yeah. Don't go to England. ” - horn-5
A Slight Case of Murder
Former bootlegger Remy Marco has a slight problem with forclosing bankers, a prospective son-in-law, and four hard-to-explain corpses. (85 mins.)
“ Remy Marco: Sure, I'm legit. I'm in favor of law and order. But you don't have to have it right in your own house, do you? ” - horn-5
A professional hit man and hit woman fall in love. (130 mins.)
“ Irene Walker: Charley, I've been doin' three to four hits a year for the past couple of years, most at full pay.
Charley Partanna: That many?
Irene Walker: Well, it's not many when you consider the size of the population. ” - horn-5
Kiss Me Kate
An ex-husband and wife team star in a musical version of 'The Taming of the Shrew'; off-stage, the production is troublesome with ex-lovers' quarrels and a gangster looking for some money owed to them. (109 mins.)
“ Bianca: [after Fred Graham kisses her to shut her up] I was just saying "Thank you"!
Slug: How do you suppose she says "You're welcome"? ” - horn-5
Ball of Fire
A group of ivory-tower lexicographers realize they need to hear how real people talk, and end up helping a beautiful singer avoid police and escape from the Mob. (111 mins.)
“ Joe Lilac: [as the professors draw guns on Joe and his men] What is this?
Prof. Oddly: I believe... I think it is known as an "up-stick". ” - horn-5
Pocketful of Miracles
A New York gangster and his girlfriend attempt to turn street beggar Apple Annie into a society lady when the peddler learns her daughter is marrying royalty. (136 mins.)
“ Joy Boy: What's with her?
Dave the Dude: Aah, she just wants a bunch of kids.
Joy Boy: Kids? Aw, they're mean when they get on that kick. ” - horn-5
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
A botched card game in London triggers four friends, thugs, weed-growers, hard gangsters, loan sharks and debt collectors to collide with each other in a series of unexpected events, all for the sake of weed, cash and two antique shotguns. (107 mins.)
“ Eddie: They're armed.
Soap: What was that? Armed? What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit! ” - horn-5
A mobster travels to Hollywood to collect a debt and discovers that the movie business is much the same as his current job. (105 mins.)
“ Chili Palmer: That was "Rio Bravo." Robert Mitchum played the drunk in "El Dorado." Dean Martin played the drunk in "Rio Bravo." Basically, it was the same part. Now John Wayne, he did the same in both. He played John Wayne.
Bo Catlett: Man, I can't wait for you to be dead. ” - horn-5
Broadway Danny Rose
In his attempts to reconcile a lounge singer with his mistress, a hapless talent agent is mistaken as her lover by a jealous gangster. (84 mins.)
“ Tina Vitale: [lost in New Jersey] Hey, wait a minute! I know where we are. These are the flatlands. My husband's friends used to dump bodies here.
Danny Rose: Great. I'm sure you can show me all the points of cultural interest. ” - horn-5
Bullets Over Broadway
In New York in 1928, a struggling playwright is forced to cast a mobster's talentless girlfriend in his latest drama in order to get it produced. (98 mins.)
“ Nick: Let's avoid confusion. She'll get some lines, or I'll nail your knee caps to the floor. ” - horn-5
Lady for a Day
A gangster tries to make Apple Annie, the Times Square apple seller, a lady for a day. (96 mins.)
“ Happy McGuire: That should be a cinch.
Butler: I beg your pardon, Sir.
Happy McGuire: I said that should be a leadpipe cinch!
Butler: If I had choice of weapons with you, Sir, I'd choose grammar! ” - horn-5
Five diverse oddball criminal types planning a bank robbery rent rooms on a cul-de-sac from an octogenarian widow under the pretext that they are classical musicians. (91 mins.)
“ Professor Marcus: One-Round, there is a wheelbarrow outside, could you fetch it? The Major has a train to catch. ” - horn-5
The Whole Town's Talking
A meek milquetoast of a clerk is mistaken for Public Enemy #1, and the notorious killer takes advantage of the situation. (93 mins.)
“ Arthur Ferguson Jones: You know something, a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. ” - horn-5
Robin and the 7 Hoods
In Chicago, during the Prohibition, two rival gangs compete for control of the city's rackets. (123 mins.)
“ Robbo: You look like the day they fixed the electricity at the death house. ” - horn-5
After being murdered by gangsters, an exuberant nightclub entertainer returns as a ghost to persuade his meek twin brother to help bring his killers to justice. (98 mins.)
“ Edwin: I don't want to go to Brooklyn. You can't make me. I don't *want* to go to Brooklyn.
Bus Driver: None of us want to, bud, but we all gotta go sooner or later. ” - horn-5
Some Like It Hot
When two male musicians witness a mob hit, they flee the state in an all-female band disguised as women, but further complications set in. (120 mins.)
“ Joe: We didn't see anything!
Jerry: We didn't hear anything either! ” - horn-5
When retired racket boss John Sarto tries to reclaim his place and former friends try to kill him, he finds solace in a monastery and reinvents himself as a pious monk. (88 mins.)
“ Flo Addams: That's Clarence makin' birdcalls. He's awful good.
Clarence P. Fletcher: [makes a hooting sound]
Flo Addams: Want him to impersonate a robin?
Little Johnny Sarto: What'll he do? Eat a worm? ” - horn-5
All Through the Night
Runyonesque Broadway gamblers turn patriotic when they stumble onto a cell of Nazi saboteurs. (107 mins.)
“ Sunshine: Shut up, the guy's dead.
Barney: Well, I'm reasonably sorry. ” - horn-5
A voluptuous black woman takes a job as a high-class prostitute in order to get revenge on the mobsters who murdered her boyfriend. (92 mins.)
“ Bobbie: Listen skinny, before you start talking tough, I'd better warn you I've got a black belt in karate. So why don't you get out of here quietly, while you still got some teeth left in that ugly face?
[Foxy knocks her down with a barstool]
Foxy Brown: And I've got MY black belt in barstools! ” - horn-5
Who Done It?
Two dumb soda jerks dream of writing radio mysteries. When they try to pitch an idea at a radio station, they end up in the middle of a real murder when the station owner is killed during a broadcast. (77 mins.)
“ Chick Larkin: [talking about Juliet Collins] She's only got a couple of buck teeth.
Mervin Q. Milgrim: Why do I care what she paid for them? ” - horn-5
It Ain't Hay
Adaptation of the Damon Runyon story 'Princess O'Hara', in which the horse of a street vendor is replaced by a racehorse. (80 mins.)
“ Umbrella Sam: [when asked why he always carries his umbrella, rain or shine] How should I know... I'm a Damon Runyon character! ” - horn-5
The Lemon Drop Kid
When the Lemon Drop Kid accidentally steers Moose Moran's girl away from a winning bet, he is forced... (91 mins.)
“ Sidney Melbourne: Santy Claus don't drink.
Gloomy Willie: Oh, no? Well, how come he's always falling down chimleys? ” - horn-5
Miracles - Mr. Canton and Lady Rose
A country boy becomes the head of a gang through the purchase of some lucky roses from an old lady. He and a singer at the gang's nightclub try to do a good deed for the old lady when her daughter comes to visit. (139 mins.)
“ Jackie becomes the head of a gang through the purchase of some lucky roses from an old lady. ” - horn-5
Money from Home
Herman owes a lot of gambling debts. To pay them off, he promises the mob he'll fix a horse, so that it does not run... (100 mins.)
“ Virgil: Me and my big mouth. I'd get rid of it, except it's such a handy place to keep my teeth. ” - horn-5
The Italian Job
Comic caper movie about a plan to steal a gold shipment from the streets of Turin by creating a traffic jam. (99 mins.)
“ Keats: They say he's going to do a job in Italy.
Mr. Bridger: Well, I hope he likes spaghetti. They serve it four times a day in the Italian prisons. ” - horn-5
Sweet and Lowdown
In the 1930s, jazz guitarist Emmet Ray idolizes Django Reinhardt, faces gangsters and falls in love with a mute woman. (95 mins.)
“ Blanche: Do you get a bigger kick doing this, or stealing small objects? ” - horn-5
Beat the Devil
On their way to Africa are a group of rogues who hope to get rich there, and a seemingly innocent British couple. They meet and things happen... (89 mins.)
“ Ahmed: Your demands are very great, under the circumstances.
Billy Dannreuther: Why shouldn't they be? Fat Gut's my best friend, and I will not betray him cheaply. ” - horn-5
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
A murder mystery brings together a private eye, a struggling actress, and a thief masquerading as an actor. (103 mins.)
“ Perry: You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop." This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble. ” - horn-5
Stand Up Guys
A pair of aging stickup men try to get the old gang back together for one last hurrah before one of the guys takes his last assignment - to kill his comrade. (95 mins.)
“ Doc: [stealing a gangster's car] This is not a good idea, Val.
Val: Yeah, well, my life is full of not good ideas. ” - horn-5
A Fish Called Wanda
In London, four very different people team up to commit armed robbery, then try to doublecross each other for the loot. (108 mins.)
“ Wendy: Well, *thank* you for popping in and protecting us.
Otto: If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking *German!* Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..." ” - horn-5
Burn After Reading
A disk containing the memoirs of a CIA agent ends up in the hands of two unscrupulous gym employees who attempt to sell it. (96 mins.)
“ Osbourne Cox: If you ever carried out your proposed threat you would experience such a *beep* of consequences my friend your empty little head would be spinning faster than the wheels of your Schwinn bicycle back there.
Chad Feldheimer: Y-you think that's a Schwinn? ” - horn-5
The Big Lebowski
"The Dude" Lebowski, mistaken for a millionaire Lebowski, seeks restitution for his ruined rug and enlists his bowling buddies to help get it. (117 mins.)
“ The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides.
The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals. ” - horn-5