The Expendables of Horror

A few years back Bruce Campbell said he was working on a script for a movie he described as "The Expendables of Horror." Subsequently, nothing has happened with it. However, just the thought of such a product was enough to get my horror-nerd brain turning.

Keep in mind that all the descriptions below describe the actor's role in the proposed, strictly hypothetical film concept in my brain. Everyone here are wonderfully nice people, I'm sure. Also, it's fair to say I have a lot of free time on my hands.
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1.
Bruce Campbell
In 1979 with his Detroit friends, Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert, Bruce Campbell raised $350,000 for a low-budget film, The Evil Dead, in which he starred and co-executive produced. Completed piecemeal over four years, the film first gained notoriety in England where it became the best-selling video of 1983...
“ Naturally. The leader of a covert team of world famous monster hunters, nearing retirement age. A world-wide threat forces the team to get together for one last job. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
2.
Robert Englund
Veteran character actor Robert Englund was born in Glendale, California, to Janis (MacDonald) and John Kent Englund, an aeronautics engineer. He has Swedish, Danish, Scottish, and English ancestry. Since 1973, Englund has appeared in over 75 feature films and starred in four TV series. He has starred alongside Oscar-winners Henry Fonda...
“ The master of disguise and hand-to-hand combat expert, Rob and Bruce had always had a friendly rivalry over who should be the leader of the team. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
3.
Tony Todd
Perhaps best known for his chilling performance as "Candyman", the charismatic 6' 5" actor Tony Todd has consistently turned in compelling performances since his debut in the fantasy film Sleepwalk. Born in Washington, D.C., Todd spent two years on a scholarship at the University of Connecticut...
“ The expert in the mystics art and demonic crafting, Todd has retired from demon fighting to become a priest. However, he hangs up his collar for one more chance at badassery. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
4.
Kane Hodder
Stunts, Se7en
“ The gentle giant of the group, Kane is an unlikely candidate for the heart and soul of the team. Just don't make him angry... ” - Bonehead-XL
 
5.
Bill Moseley
William "Bill" Moseley (born November 11, 1951) is an American film actor and musician who has starred in a number of cult classic horror films, including House of 1000 Corpses, Repo! The Genetic Opera and The Devil's Rejects. His first big role was in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 as Chop Top. On the HBO TV series Carnivàle...
“ The unpredictable wildcard and knife-nut, Bill's team has always been concerned that he might just be a psychopath who has focused his aggression in a very specific direction. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
6.
Doug Bradley
Actor, Hellraiser
Mr. Bradley was born on September 7th 1954 in Liverpool, England. Since his school days Bradley has been close friends with Clive Barker. In the seventies Bradley and Clive Barker founded the progressive theatre group "Dog Company". While Barker worked on writing with his friend Peter Atkins (script-writer for several Hellraiser films)...
“ The weapons expert of the team is Azreal, an immortal demon bound to Todd's character. Every one hundred years Azreal changes shape, so Bradley plays him in the first half while he is played in the second half by... ” - Bonehead-XL
 
7.
Jeffrey Combs
Jeffrey Combs was born on September 9th, 1954 in Oxnard, California. He grew up in Lompoc, California with a plethora of siblings both older and younger. He attended the Pacific Conservatory of the Performing Arts in Santa Maria, and the Professional Actor's Training Program at the University of Washington in Seattle...
“ The second face of Azreal. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
8.
Sid Haig
Tall, bald and nearly always bearded, Sid Haig has provided hulking menace to many a low-budget exploitation film and high-priced action film. Sid Haig was born Sidney Eddie Mosesian on July 14, 1939 in Fresno, California, a screaming ball of hair. His parents, Roxy (Mooradian) and Haig Mosesian, an electrician...
“ The mentor of the team who passed away many years ago. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
9.
Lance Henriksen
Actor, Aliens
An intense, versatile actor as adept at playing clean-cut FBI agents as he is psychotic motorcycle-gang leaders, who can go from portraying soulless, murderous vampires to burned-out, world-weary homicide detectives, Lance Henriksen has starred in a variety of films that have allowed him to stretch his talents just about as far as an actor could possibly hope...
“ The shady government contact the team get their jobs from. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
10.
Brad Dourif
Character actor Brad Dourif was born Bradford Claude Dourif on March 18, 1950 in Huntington, West Virginia. He is the son of Joan Mavis Felton (Bradford) and Jean Henri Dourif, a French-born art collector who owned and operated a dye factory. His father died when Dourif was three years old, after which his mother married Bill Campbell...
“ The villain of the film. An omnicidal cult leader determined to raise an ancient elder god from its sleep and bring about the end of the world. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
11.
Udo Kier
Actor, Blade
Udo Kier was born October 14, 1944 in Cologne, Germany, during World War II. His entrance was just as dramatic as some of his roles. On the evening of his birth Udo's mother requested extra time with her new baby. The nurses had gathered all of the other babies and returned them to the nursery when the hospital was bombed...
“ The zombie-creating mad scientist employed by Dourif. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
12.
Rutger Hauer
Blonde, blue-eyed, tall and handsome Dutch actor Rutger Hauer has an international reputation for playing everything from romantic leads to action heroes to sinister villains. Hauer was born in Breukelen, a town in the province of Utrecht, the Netherlands. He is the son of Teunke (Mellema) and Arend Hauer...
“ The master assassin hired by Dourif to take down our heroes. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
13.
Asia Argento
Actress, xXx
Asia Argento was born in Rome, Italy, into a family of actors and filmmakers, both occupations which she has herself pursued. She made her debut when she was only nine years old in Sergio Citti's Sogni e bisogni. In 1988 she had the leading role in Cristina Comencini's first film, Zoo, and was part of the cast of The Church...
“ Once they have set off on their mission, our team finds an unlikely companion in this dominatrix and high-class thief. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
14.
Linda Blair
Actress, The Exorcist
From the age of five, Linda Blair had to get used to the spotlight, first as a child model and then as an actress, when out of 600 applicants she was picked for the role of Regan, the possessed child, in The Exorcist. Linda quickly rose to international fame, won the Golden Globe, and seemed to be set to take the Academy Award for that role...
“ Bruce's bitter ex-wife. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
15.
Angela Bettis
Actress, May
Angela Bettis was born January 9, 1973 in Austin, Texas, to Mary Lynn and Richard Joseph Bettis. She graduated from Westlake High School before making her debut film appearance in Franco Zeffirelli's Sparrow, after the film, she enrolled at the American Musical and Dramatic Academy, and later went on to support Winona Ryder in Girl, Interrupted...
“ Bruce's estranged daughter. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
16.
Linnea Quigley
Barbara Linnea Quigley was born in Davenport, Iowa, on May 27, 1958 to Heath and Dorothy Quigley. Her Mother was a housewife and her Father a noted Chiropractor and psychologist. After moving with her family to Los Angeles in the late 1970s, the short, petite Linnea began working at a Jack Lalanne Spa...
“ Bruce's current girlfriend. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
17.
Michael Bailey Smith
Michael Bailey Smith grew up as an Air Force brat, traveling the world, and he graduated from high school in Tehran, Iran. He later served in the renowned 82nd Airborne Division as a paratrooper. He attended college at Eastern Michigan University, where his athletic talents earned him a spot as a free agent with the Dallas Cowboys...
“ The monstrous, inhuman personal bodyguard of the evil cult leader. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
18.
“ Special guest victim 1! A reporter who sticks his head too far into things. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
19.
Corey Feldman
Corey Scott Feldman began his career at the age of three, starring in a Clio Award-winning McDonald's commercial and has sustained a 35-year career as a steadily working actor, with more than 80 films under his belt. Corey began his career in guest-starring roles on television series such as Mork & Mindy...
“ Special guest victim 2! One of several people taken captive by the villain. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
20.
Tom Savini
Pittsburgh-born actor/SFX wizard/stuntman/director Tom Savini did a tour of duty as a combat cameraman in Vietnam, and has since acquired a remarkable cult following among film fans, primarily due to his ground-breaking SFX in the "splatter movie" explosion of the early 1980s. Along with fellow special make-up legends Dick Smith and Rob Bottin...
“ Special guest victim 3! Another captive of the villain who sacrifices his own life so the others can get away. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
21.
Gunnar Hansen
He was born in Reykjavik, Iceland and moved to the United States at the age of 5. Gunnar lived in Maine till he was 11, then his family moved to Texas, where he went to high school and then the University of Texas. He majored in English and mathematics and then went to graduate school in Scandinavian Studies and English...
“ Cameo, strictly so I can get Englund, Hodder, Hansen, and Nick Castle (Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, and Myers) in a scene together. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
22.
“ Cameo, strictly so I can get Englund, Hodder, Hansen and Nick Castle (Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, and Myers) in a scene together. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
23.
Angus Scrimm
The evil screen villain Angus Scrimm, most famous as "The Tall Man" in Don Coscarelli's Phantasm and its sequels, grew up in Kansas City, but in his teens moved to California and studied drama at USC under William C. de Mille (brother of Cecil B. DeMille). His film debut came as another "Tall Man" he played Abraham Lincoln in an educational film made by Encyclopaedia Brittanica...
“ Angus Scrimm will play the role of God, one of two cosmic figures taking bets on the conflict. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
24.
Christopher Lee
Sir Christopher Frank Carandini Lee was perhaps the only actor of his generation to have starred in so many films and cult saga. Although most notable for personifying bloodsucking vampire, Dracula, on screen, he portrayed other varied characters on screen, most of which were villains, whether it be Francisco Scaramanga in the James Bond film...
“ Christopher Lee will play the role of the Devil, the other cosmic figure taking bets on the conflict. ” - Bonehead-XL
 
25.
Guillermo del Toro
Guillermo del Toro is a Mexican film director, screenwriter, producer, and novelist. In his filmmaking career, del Toro has alternated between Spanish-language dark fantasy pieces, such as the gothic horror film The Devil's Backbone (2001), and Pan's Labyrinth (2006), and more mainstream American action movies...
“ As a director, del Toro probably has better things to do... Probably. Either way, very few other filmmakers can handle the balance of action, horror, humor, and special effects the way he can. ” - Bonehead-XL