A list of movies ranging from so cheesy that sitting through it is bad for arteries up to an endurance contest to watch in its entirety. Be warned, friend, these movies have virtually ZERO redeeming qualities. Some where watched in hopes they would be all right. Others had Velveeta all over them. A healthy percentage were picked by guests. I tried to keep the order from 'unbearably bad" to "worth a view for masochists". I am NOT responsible for any psychological damage or ended relationships, etc caused by this list.
If the "missed gems" list is ying, this is the yang...
BTW One of the wannabes on the Hall of Shame list cried and it is now gone. Google still has it cached. I had left comments open so anyone on the list could say their piece and one guy did. Oddly, I don't think it was him that cried to the admins. Oh, well. Maybe soon...
The Man from Earth
An impromptu goodbye party for Professor John Oldman becomes a mysterious interrogation after the retiring scholar reveals to his colleagues he has a longer and stranger past than they can imagine. (87 mins.)
“ MAN, I have a great deal of bile to shower on this horrible piece of trash. I figured the writer composed episodes for Star Trek and the Twilight Zone made for some excellent pedigree. I forgot that both of those overall great series had plenty of smug, overbearing, and pontificating navel gazing episodes. I try hard not to be a "hater", despite the nature of this list. Hey, I admitted "Season of the Witch" turned out to be pretty good. Anyhow, every Sunday we have one of me favourite friends over for dinner and a movie. I usually picked the movie, until this :load sarcasm: gem. This piece of garbage forced me to give up the throne and we now rotate.
DISCLAIMER: I am not some zealot. Once I worked the 12 steps of the fellowship I belong to, I became VERY open-minded towards everything. This includes folks notion of a "Higher Power".
The "Biblical" part was uncalled for, stupid, and felt like a pathetic attempt to generate some sort of controversy to get free publicity for this yawner. Grow some balls and say you were, well no point in getting Muslims all riled up over nothing. Avoid this movie at ALL costs. This is something I rarely say, even for a list of movies for some to avoid. It has no value for anyone, including fellow 'bad movie' fans. I had to double-check the running time. I suppose it could be an experiment in time effects of relativity, since it felt like it was days from beginning to end. ” - thommacintyre
Candy, an innocent high-schooler, encounters numerous colorful characters and humorous sexual situations while attempting to find meaning in life. (115 mins.)
“ Dear me, where to begin? Its an endurance contest early on. SO why watch it? Well, Ringo Starr as a Mexican. Yes, you read that correctly. John Aston is his usual hammy self but in a dual role. Peter Sellers, he ain't. Be afraid, be very afraid. As un-sexy as only a sex farce can be. Richard Burton's role and one of John Aston's lines regarding the midwest and Mexico is the reason for 2 stars. ” - thommacintyre
No Strings Attached
A guy and girl try to keep their relationship strictly physical, but it's not long before they learn that they want something more. (108 mins.)
“ Similar in levels of awfulness al a 2102:IceAge, but without the unearned pretensions of "The Man from Earth". This drek fails in every conceivable way. I let a guest pick this and as a gracious host, endured it in painful silence. Any goodwill Natalie Portman has enjoyed from previous roles is now spent. She better wait a bit if any 'Oscar Bait' roles come by, this could be her 'Norbit'. I changed me tune regarding Mr. Kutcher following his awesome acceptance speech regarding hard work. It hasn't improved his acting choices but its good to know he appreciates what he has. ” - thommacintyre
Three more bone-chilling tales that include a vengeful wooden Native American, a monstrous blob in a lake, and a hitchhiker who wants revenge and will not die. (92 mins.)
“ I always root for the hometown kid, but Romero is just a hack, no kidding. Been riding the N.O.L.D. coattails almost as long as I have been alive. this sequel is a mockery of a sham of a travesty of a mockery of the original Creepshow. Absolutely horrible in its writing, pacing, music, and the tie-ins/closer animation makes North Korean propaganda cartoons look well done. What happened? Ralph Bakshi owe on a front? (ex-Druggie Humour) Arrrggghhh It may be worth a look at the sequence that was Stephen King's first published story. I think it may have been filler in an old "Swank" magazine. I remember him mentioning it in an interview. After reading Danse Macabre, I sort of wish Mr. King was a neighbour. ” - thommacintyre
2012: Ice Age
A volcanic eruption in Iceland sends a glacier towards North America, causing everything in it's path to freeze. A family man struggles to escape the onslaught of the coming ice age. (91 mins.)
“ Oh, Saint Joe! Where to start? The only thing worse than the acting is the script and the special cartoons, errrrr I mean effects. No, wait, there is nothing worse than that acting. The characters are horrible, the story horrendous, the whole mess that genuinely borders on the surreal. It becomes an endurance test very quickly. The 16 year old's reactions are more closely matched to that of a slow 3 year old. When I was enduring it with good friend and fellow bad to awful cinematographile Chris D., he pointed out some interesting items in the CGI (for lack of a better acronym).
Besides the same overlay explosions* used many times over, check out the automobile "action" scenes. No rendering, so the surfaces are flat black with no surface or reflections. Just a cartoon car making an improbable turn on a highway that doesn't even come close to matching the "real world" stuff it was lamely paired with. Run out of money/ Disk space/ Who knows/ Who cares? I could go on all day. The early expository sequence where Droopy the scientist is shown to be of the absent-minded type makes one detest all parties on the screen. I suppose it was meant to be cute in a comic way. It is nausea inducing, as is the lazy storytelling.
Do NOT watch this caustic piece of trash unless it is for some perverse bragging rights. If you do, turn the sound down and watch the character's faces, especially the aforementioned "16 year old". Insultingly bad. Who thought the male lead could carry ANY flick, let alone this one?
*Some of the animated "explosions" made their first appearance in the Monty Python Holy grail game in the 90s. Others are the same as the ones in smart phone apps that let you add them to home videos. ” - thommacintyre
On Deadly Ground
Mystical martial artist/environmental agent takes on a ruthless oil corporation. (101 mins.)
“ I wish I would of covered this one before reading Nathan Rabin's Awesome Write Up. This is as painful as any on the list, just about. Hammy, silly, pontificating, and boring. Yes, an action movie that is boring. I could go on and on but why? It is very ironic with its racist anti-racism message along with its other 'messages'. POSSIBLY worth a free look to see WHY he went from A-list to a straight-to-video staple. From what I have read, it could not have happened to a nicer chap. ” - thommacintyre
An American woman of Irish, Jewish-German parentage goes undercover in Nazi Germany. (132 mins.)
“ How did I forget this one? Oh my, where to begin. As a comedy, it is a gem. As a war drama? uuhhhh Anyone worth their salt has been to badmovies.org and his "Things I learned" section is often imitated though rarely cited. This movie taught me that the Swiss border has a chalk line and Nazis were pretty good sports about you crossing said chalk line. I mean, you'd think Hans and Fritz would shoot them anyhow and drag their sorry asses back. ” - thommacintyre
The Island of Dr. Moreau
After being rescued and brought to an island, a man discovers that its inhabitants are experimental animals being turned into strange-looking humans, all of it the work of a visionary doctor. (96 mins.)
“ Probably the most watchable film of the lot, along with "Battlefield Earth", which is not saying much. I was hoping for "Col. Kurtz versus the Monkey Men". Boy, were those hopes quickly dashed. The Brit lead and Fairuza were both very good, for what its worth. The doctor's other 'children' are as creepy as the old man in the van who always has candy. Kilmer's former stardom still amazes me but rock on, big guy. I have yet to sell a book, so it isn't like I can look down on his career. Yes, it is the most watch-able of this list, for all the wrong reasons. The character who inspired "Mini-me" is disturbing and haunting. Brando, even when phoning it in, is still Brando. His talent is apparent even when squandered. The ice bucket hat is fast becoming a staple of pop culture, so there is that. ” - thommacintyre
Astronauts, and their robotic dog AMEE (Autonomous Mapping Evaluation and Evasion), search for solutions to save a dying Earth by searching on Mars, only to have the mission go terribly awry. (106 mins.)
“ Val Kilmer going for the hat trick. Some of the animation is OK, and you get a quick peek at Carrie Ann Moss (or maybe a body double) in the shower. The rest is mind-numbingly bad. I hope Mr. Sizemore is more successful in his recovery. Keep hitting the meetings, and let go of the memories of working with Val, Mr. Sizemore. The robot is like the Simpson's Halloween special with the Krusty doll. "Some one had it set on evil" I wonder if Haliburton has the DARPA contract to make the robot. ” - thommacintyre
On the day of her wedding to her sixth husband, a glamorous silver screen sex symbol is asked to intervene in a political dispute between nations, which leads to chaos. (91 mins.)
“ OH, sweet mother, where to start? Now, you may think "Hmmm I am a bad movie aficionado. I heard this is VERY bad. I should check it out." This ain't for the timid, or the easily unbalanced. So forced it defies description. This took a great deal of effort to finish. As tacky and wasteful as a topless bar outside a military base where all the dancers are on old age pensions. Not even an Alice Cooper cameo can save it. Words alone just can't do this flick justice. It is akin to your beloved grampa losing his marbles and pooping in a display toilet at Lowe's. Look at the dates, this was written before the Jackass prank. I should sue for a credit but my idea for that line came from a National Lampoon I read whilst in the Army. ” - thommacintyre
A nerdy Catholic schoolgirl, Mary Katherine Gallagher, dreams of superstardom. (81 mins.)
“ Irritating and painfully unfunny, especially if one went to parochial school. The "Jesus" sequence was pretty good, but you can probably watch that somewhere on its own, saving yourself from the other 80 minutes of drek. A 15 minute "not funny to start with" skit S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D into a very unfunny 90 minutes. Even Will Ferrel couldn't save this. ” - thommacintyre
Ex-Green Beret hapkido expert saves wild horses from being slaughtered for dog food and helps protect a desert "freedom school" for runaway. (114 mins.)
“ I am old enough to have seen this at second run houses as a kid. It stunk then. Seeing it as a grown up and as a "bad" movie fan, it is like a root canal. If a hippie poser wannabe (airborne ranger green beret) feels like making himself a Native American, why just put on one of those 'Injun Joe' hats. Hey, a pair of shades got some white guy a teaching position as a "native American", so anything is possible. As insulting as that reads, it has nothing on the real thing. Pseudo-mystic, bombastic *beep* not a single likeable or even sympathetic character, and a storyline that can only be seen, not explained, makes this a stink-bomb of mammoth dimensions. I will give my props to Tom. He seems to actually believes this garbage. Go hit his page. It is not as fun or understandable as Country Joe's (of Woodstock and Omega Man fame) web page, but worth a visit. It's sort of like reading the label on Dr. Bronner's soap, a "Reverend" Alamo flyer, or a Lyndon LaRouche paper. If you are enduring it to get into some hippie chick's pants, you must still be young, very young.
R.I.P. Tom, you were yourself until the end, no doubt. ” - thommacintyre
Set in northern Australia before World War II, an English aristocrat who inherits a sprawling ranch reluctantly pacts with a stock-man in order to protect her new property from a takeover plot. As the pair drive 2,000 head of cattle over unforgiving landscape, they experience the bombing of Darwin, Australia, by Japanese forces firsthand. (165 mins.)
“ I guess if you were allegedly a beard for a HUGE star at his zenith, you can be in more bombs than Whoopi. This is a flick so trite and smug, a diabetic could go into shock after watching it. By the numbers to the point it seems like a generic film school script written by committee. Kidman's accent gives Dick Van Dyke someone to make fun off. It was in the blu-ray cut out bin for $2. Buying a scratch off lottery ticket would of been a better investment. "Fatal Shore- the Movie" this ain't. ” - thommacintyre
Pearl Harbor follows the story of two best friends, Rafe and Danny, and their love lives as they go off to join the war. (183 mins.)
“ Makes the above "Australia" seem like a documentary by comparison. I watched it with a friend, his missus, and his 13 year old daughter. When a young female adolescent rolls her eyes over scenes, you got problems. I am surprised barnacle encrusted skeletons didn't rise from the Arizona and slaughter the second unit. ” - thommacintyre
After enslavement and near extermination by an alien race in the year 3000, humanity begins to fight back. (118 mins.)
“ Better than the book, which really is not saying much. The 2nd half of the book was marginally more interesting but will never be in a sequel. Of all the flicks on the list, this one is actually watch-able in some ways, along with "Col. Kurtz versus the Monkey Men". Barry Pepper deserves to be forgiven. Heck, the remake of "True Grit" owes its awesomeness in no small part to him. The ONLY way to watch this is with the DVD commentary. Listen to Roger Christian bellyache about what a misunderstood masterpiece this really is. George Lucas called and asked Roger how did he make such an incredible flick for less than a bajillion dollars. blah blah blah ” - thommacintyre
Following clues to the origin of mankind a team journey across the universe and find a structure on a distant moon containing a monolithic statue of a humanoid head and stone cylinders of alien blood but they soon find they are not alone. (124 mins.)
“ The tech is good, everything else is either irritating or disappointing. Bad story, bad acting, bad characters, just a waste of time. The cinematography is breathtaking at times, though. Watch it with the sound off. ” - thommacintyre
“ I have to admit a couple things. I didn't see the original until a free Showtime weekend had it on. I was floored. It was every bit as scary as Outback and Cphus told me. Oddly, a lot of the scares were me thinking about it later and it wigging me long after the actual viewing. I liked the "Blair Witch" special Showtime showed before it. That was also on the DVD I bought. The supporting special was pretty good, too. Minus the pretend 70s warlock, that is. That part was lame*, to use the kids' term. The painfully obvious filmed/taped in the 90s but supposed to be in the late 1940s parts were ok. Once you got past the lameness* of the backdating attempt, that is.
Now, the sequel. I was pretty eager and a little bit curious on how they would pull off a sequel. The reviews didn't so much scare me away as make me choose some other movie opening that week. Well, watching it on Amazon Prime showed me I made the right choice. The beginning hinted at a crass yet lame attempt to harness the fickle finger of fate that showered money on the first. Terrible acting quickly rears its head. An instantly dislikeable cast sort of makes this movie an endurance contest early on.
*Yes, I changed it. The previous adjectives were a little too harsh. ” - thommacintyre
A group of reporters are covering the unveiling of a new facility that is completely maintained by robot prototypes... (85 mins.)
“ Robotropolis, like most entries on this list, started off with much promise. Post-credits, the nose-dive to Robopalookaville begins. The heroine is moderately attractive, but nowhere near as much as she seems to think she is. The acting is not as bad as the user reviews indicate, but not much better than a goodish high school production of "Brigadoon". Worth a view only as a curiosity. CMU and Pittsburgh get a nod, so one for the hometown. It is one of the few "2 stars" of this list, which ain't saying much. ” - thommacintyre
A troupe of actors hired for a haunted house attraction soon find that they are working in a true house of horror. (85 mins.)
“ OK, chop the first 20 minutes, the last 20 minutes, ignore the acting and it is sort of, kind of worth watching. ” - thommacintyre
Behind a young family's home in Maine is a terrible secret that holds the power of life after death. When tragedy strikes, the threat of that power soon becomes undeniable. (103 mins.)
“ Any time you see Denise as a co-star, it is pretty much indicative of a turd. She can be pretty good so maybe she needed a new agent. I dunno. Anyhow, this one is no exception. The only saving grace is Herman Munster getting carved up by a toddler. That and the "friendly" ghost past is OK. I can't believe the IMDB average is like 6 or 7 stars. Do wash-ups/hasbeens pad these things? Not the WORST on the list, but it is an endurance contest. Go read "The Stand" instead. Heck, learn Esperanto or throw rocks at bottles on the train tracks rather than watching this movie. ” - thommacintyre
Murder by Death
Five famous literary detective characters and their sidekicks are invited to a bizarre mansion to solve an even stranger mystery. (94 mins.)
“ This was quite the chore to slog through, but nowhere near as rough as "Sextette". Same creaky, old during the Taft administration kind of jokes. Two largely forgotten "most terrible accent" performances by James Coco (?!?) and James Cromwell become VERY difficult to watch. It is tied with Peter Sellers playing a generic Charlie Chan. I think his final flick he plays "Fu Manchu". I guess the entourage of 'yes' men kept the final print of that disaster. This drags on and on like a second date. Man, does it drag. Coco is his usual no talent, irritating self, the rest phone in whatever passes for a performance. Just a boring, silly film that, blissfully, waits 45+ minutes for Truman Capote to make his "entrance". Beware, it lowered my formerly high opinion of James Cromwell. An accent and performance that will appear in your mind every time you see him. That alone makes me wish I didn't watch it. Supposedly a moderate hit. No one ever went broke underestimating the American public. ” - thommacintyre
Racism collides with corporate greed when nine strangers are trapped in a Wall Street elevator, one of whom has a bomb. (84 mins.)
“ Oh, man. I had to come to IMDB to see if this gem was a straight to video release. OK, so I watched Clockwork Orange with a girl. Her revenge? Choosing this piece of work for our Thursday night flick. Too awful to ignore has a certain charm to it sometimes, but not this instance. Great premise and an OK beginning quickly becomes an test of endurance. Waiting to be sentenced went faster than this movie. The only competent actor in the lot is the woman whose son died (in, yep, Iraq) and hubby who did himself in over junk bonds. And SHE kicks the bucket early. I hope she gets work, the rest better snag every commercial or porn offer now. The chick in the Progressive commercials is easier to take than these clowns. The cat who just got fired had a couple good lines. OOOh me aching head... ” - thommacintyre
Hit & Miss
Two gangster's lives are turned upside down when one is shot. (2 mins.)
“ This is another "started with potential" entry. I am not a "Tom Arnold Hater" I find his unlikely time as a "star" largely inexplicable BUT no more than many others. In interviews he seems like a noisy but likable neighbour. Well, his acting is the best part of this flick. Say that out loud and think about that for a moment. ” - thommacintyre
A sympathetic anthropologist uses drugs and surgery to try to communicate with a primitive troglodyte who is found living in a local cave. (93 mins.)
“ "I have to see MISTER Mayer tomorrow..." Joan, Joan, Joan. This came out when I was in 1st grade. I didn't see it then but I do remember the newspaper advertisement. It was very difficult to find but we finally got a copy. It is another of the watchable films on the list. But, as you recall some of the previous entries, that ain't saying much. There is some talk that the "Poor Joan had to change in a car" tale is apocryphal in nature. Even if it was, she deserved a better old age. Professionally, anyhow. ” - thommacintyre
Mountaintop Motel Massacre
After several years in an insane asylum, Evelyn, the keeper of the Mountaintop Motel, is released and resumes doing business... (95 mins.)
“ The tagline says it all. As amateurish as it gets, some of the acting is pretty good. Well, some of it. The character Evelyn is pretty well played. The cinematography is pretty good, there are some decent shots. All in all, you could do much worse having this on your resume. ” - thommacintyre
Shortly after the launch of a satellite from a space shuttle the satellite collides with an UFO in front of the crew's eyes... (97 mins.)
“ Come on guys, put a LITTLE effort into it. It took a trip here (IMDB) to settle a bet whether it was theatrically released. Strictly by the numbers coupled with some lazy storytelling. I only saw it because Darren McGavin was in it. Sorta, kinda worth a view to round out an extensive 'bad movie' fan experience. You can do a big city's Sunday crossword puzzle during it without missing a single plot point or contrivance. That being said, it is better than almost any TV show currently being produced. I think there may be a shot of the Arecibo message or maybe a reference to the now infamous "Wow!" signal. It wasn't worth a second viewing to clear up. ” - thommacintyre
An outlaw smuggler and her alien companion are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy to rescue his son and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn. (92 mins.)
“ Marjoe Goertner at his worst? Wow, that is saying something. He also does the voices for a robot and some other minor characters. The 1st Star Wars came out on my 13th birthday. Everyone was trying to cash in on some science fiction and 'Starcrash' is a fine example of the craze. Almost incomprehensible no matter how many times you watch it, it becomes sort of a modern art painting that moves for an hour and a half. Stella Star is smoking hot and the planet of lezzies is pretty entertaining, as well as their robot protector. The bad guy looks like Paul Stanley without the make up and Chris Plummer picks up an easy paycheck. He has the best outfit on, too. Oddly enough, I had never even heard of this movie until reading some of the lists here at IMDB. It was a chore to get a copy, but now I have one. I am still not completely sure that is a good thing. Sadly, none of the magnificent breasts in this movie appear au naturale. That could of made it worth a second watch. I was also hoping to see some Amazons smooching, but no dice. ” - thommacintyre
A World War I pilot whom everybody envies as a "ladykiller" actually is one - after he beds the women he's after, he murders them. (125 mins.)
“ I might as well 'fess up now. I have a thing for Joey Heatherton and have had one since I noticed the difference between boys and girls. I even watched the making of her Serta commercials on YouTube. I still think she is smoking hot. I also think Richard Burton is one of the few 'greats' who actually lives up to their hype. With those statements made, this is an awful film. Bluebeard is one of the entries here that really thinks its got it going on. Not that films are sentient, but you know what I mean. The "best" bad movies have this "I am a masterpiece" attitude as the stench forms a visible miasma around it. Even the soft-core Sybil Danning vignette doesn't make it worth a viewing except to the students of the school of le films d’ordures. ” - thommacintyre