Jerry Ortega
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Quotes for
Jerry Ortega (Character)
from "Hawaii Five-0" (2010)

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"Hawaii Five-0: Mai ho'oni i ka wai lana mâlie (#6.1)" (2015)
Jerry Ortega: Your stolen painting is a treasure map. I'm almost sure of it. Check this out. Here's the painting as it looked when it hung in the palace shortly before it disappeared. And here is how it looked when it was recovered forty years ago. Note the tear in the canvas. Now, if you believe the pirate raid actually happened, and I think we're all on board with that now, then this damage occurred while the painting was in the hands of the crew. Obviously, it could have been an accident. But, there is also another possibility. The pirates did this on purpose. See, I'm thinking after they pillaged Oahu, something happened which forced them to hide the treasure here on the island. Maybe Harmon was after them; who knows? I think they stashed the treasure with the intention of coming back for it later. Except they didn't have time to draw a treasure map. So instead, they made this painting the map. All they had to do was pick a spot on the painting, bury the treasure there, and then mark the canvas. Pretty nifty, right? Total pirate move.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: This is like waiting in line for a Star Wars movie for you, huh?
Jerry Ortega: Yeah. Kinda.

Lou Grover: You do realize that this theory of yours is completely...
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Ridiculous.
Lou Grover: Damn right. Jerry, if the painting is the map, why not just go to the museum, pull out your phone, take a picture of the damn painting?
Steve McGarrett: He's got a point, Jerry.
Jerry Ortega: Your ignorance is adorable.

Jerry Ortega: Trust me. Thar be treasure in that spot. Yo ho ho.

Steve McGarrett: Jerry, I don't mean to be rude, but do you have to work in my office, at my desk... with my stuff?
Jerry Ortega: Not if you gave me an office.

Jerry Ortega: So, who's gonna say it?
Steve McGarrett: You should say it.
Jerry Ortega: X marks the spot.


"Hawaii Five-0: A'ohe Kahi e Pe'e Ai (#5.1)" (2014)
Jerry Ortega: Oh good. I'm glad you're all here. I got some more intel on that drone you're looking for. But first, a disclaimer. Whatever I share with you today is in no way connected to me, my family or anyone I know. I am strictly here on a tour of the palace, nothing more. Any attempt to associate me with the information I am about to share will be vehemently denied by myself and the attorney I will retain. Are we understood?
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Do we- do we- should we sign something? Everybody? Or, is get on with it- will that suffice? Jerry.

Jerry Ortega: [to Kono, who's just drawn her weapon on him when he enters Five-0 headquarters operating a drone] Whoa, Sarah Connor! I come in peace.

Steve McGarrett: [Danny and Steve in car being chased by drone] Lou, where are you?
Lou Grover: Right behind you.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: All right, come on, Jerry. It's your turn.
Lou Grover: This thing is gonna work, isn't it.
Jerry Ortega: Theoretically.
[Operating remote control unit]
Danny 'Danno' Williams: No, no, no. Wrong answer, Jerry. Wrong answer.
Jerry Ortega: Okay, okay. It's gonna work.
[Whispers]
Jerry Ortega: I think.
Jerry Ortega: I got a lock on its signal. She's mine.
Lou Grover: You got it.
Jerry Ortega: All right! One nasty killing machine down for the count.
Chin Ho Kelly: [Voice from Five-0 headquarters via radio] Nice one.
Jerry Ortega: [Lou let's Jerry out to check on drone] Go, go. Stop that plane. I got this.
Chin Ho Kelly: Jerry, check the transmission log. It'll tell us where the pilot's operating from.
Jerry Ortega: Copy, copy.
Chin Ho Kelly: One will suffice.
Jerry Ortega: Copy.

Steve McGarrett: It's taking off.
[Referring to the plane with the bad guys in it trying to escape]
Lou Grover: No way we're gonna stop that now.
Jerry Ortega: [Drone flies over Lou's and Danny's cars in pursuit of plane] Relax, partners, I got this.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Jerry, what are you doing?
Jerry Ortega: Feeling the force. Just like Skywalker on the trench run. Hang on.
[the drone explodes at the plane, forcing it to crash to a stop]
Jerry Ortega: Yeah!
Steve McGarrett: Son of a bitch. He really did it.

Lou Grover: [the Five-O team is accompanying McGarrett as he sits in a wheel chair being pushed by Danny, leaving the hospital after being shot] You know, you oughta look into whether they got some kind of a loyalty program. Like they'll give you a card, then every fifth bullet extraction is free. Heh heh.
Dr. Max Bergman: Well, I'm certain that such a program doesn't exist, Captain.
Chin Ho Kelly: I believe he was joking, Max.
Dr. Max Bergman: Ah. I can see how that was an attempt at humor.
Lou Grover: Oh, keep it up, wise guy. You might see an attempt at murder.
Kono Kalakaua: Lou, he wasn't being rude. He's just Max. And you'll learn that.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: You know, that reminds me, Max. It's been killing me all day. What did you tell your new protégé about me?
Dr. Max Bergman: I beg your pardon?
Danny 'Danno' Williams: You said you gave her a head's up. Head's up about what? What did you say?
Dr. Max Bergman: Ah, yes. I just explained to Dr. Shaw that Commander McGarrett is the leader of Five-O and that you're his deeply cynical, misanthropic, short-tempered partner.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: What?
Lou Grover: You know, I think I see what you mean about him.
Dr. Max Bergman: Now, Dr. Shaw agreed with my assessment. However, she did think you were cute.
Steve McGarrett: Hey!
[Lifts his right fist for a bump with Danny]
Danny 'Danno' Williams: Aha! Well, she's got a point, right? I can live with that.
Kamekona: [Kamekona and Flippa come around the corner to present Steve with a shrimp meal and Get Well balloons] What? Brother, I thought you were shot!
Steve McGarrett: I was. In my thigh.
Flippa: Your thigh. That don't count.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: For you? No, for you, it would not.
Kamekona: I though you was down for the count. I brought you some garlic shrimp and some balloons.
[Pan to silver balloon that says, Get Bettah, and a yellow one with Kamekona's face on it]
Steve McGarrett: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Maybe next time, they can hit a vital organ.
[Steve grabs the bag of food and balloon ribbons in consternation]
Kamekona: We be back.
Jerry Ortega: [Jerry is standing at his bright green van, holding crutches for Steve] Your chariot awaits, brave warrior.
Danny 'Danno' Williams: All right.
Steve McGarrett: Thanks, Jerry.
[Steve grabs the crutches and Jerry holds the bag of food and balloons as Steve gets into the back seat]


"Hawaii Five-0: Ka Makuakaneka (#5.2)" (2014)
Kono Kalakaua: Oh. Thanks, Jerry. Look, I appreciate your hel, but you really didn't have to stick around.
Jerry Ortega: Are you kidding? Research is my super power. Oh, by the way. I'm pretty sure I broke Captain America's printer. Also pretty sure he never uses it. Found it under a plant.
Kono Kalakaua: Càptain America?
Jerry Ortega: Yeah. That's my little nickname for McGarrett.
Kono Kalakaua: I like it. Okay, so did you find anything?

Chin Ho Kelly: [Chin approaches Jerry's mom's house as the agent and prospective buyers are leaving] So your mom finally did it, huh?
Jerry Ortega: Yeah, Moneypenny wasn't bluffing. She bought a place on Maui. Said she wants to be closer to her family. How am I supposed to take that?
Chin Ho Kelly: Heh. Well, there comes a time when moms finally leave the nest, Jer.
Jerry Ortega: Yeah, but things were going so well, then she pulls this. Right when I'm onto something huge.
Chin Ho Kelly: Oh, right, Steve and Danny told me about the, uh, bookstore.
Jerry Ortega: Not a bookstore, Chin. It's a front for a counterfeiting operation. It's only a matter of time before I prove it.
Chin Ho Kelly: [Bad guy involved in counterfeiting operation is listening in electronically from his car parked across the street] I'm sure you will. But, uh, listen, that's not why I'm here. I need your help, Jerry. A little girl was abducted this morning from a hula recital.
Jerry Ortega: Yeah, whatever I can do. Of course, my expertise in abduction is more of the extraterrestrial variety, but, uh, hit me.

Jerry Ortega: [Chin is entering the Five-O computer room] Hey, brah, get over here.
Chin Ho Kelly: What, did you find something?
Jerry Ortega: You know it. This was taken outside the school before the recital started. Behind the hula girl. Silver Beemer. Check him out.
Chin Ho Kelly: Blue baseball cap. Matches the witness description.
Jerry Ortega: Mm. I am like a rabbit's foot, aren't I.
Chin Ho Kelly: You are definitely a good luck charm. Now, slide over.
Jerry Ortega: [Chin manipulates the tabletop computer screen] Facial recognition. Total violation of our First Amendment rights. Cool. I also got us a partial license plate.

Kono Kalakaua: Oh. Thanks, Jerry. Look, I appreciate your help, but you really didn't have to stick around.
Jerry Ortega: Are you kidding? Research is my super power. Oh, by the way. I'm pretty sure I broke Captain America's printer. Also pretty sure he never uses it. Found it under a plant.
Kono Kalakaua: Càptain America?
Jerry Ortega: Yeah. That's my little nickname for McGarrett.
Kono Kalakaua: I like it. Okay, so did you find anything?


"Hawaii Five-0: Ua helele'i ka hoku (#5.21)" (2015)
Danny 'Danno' Williams: [to Chin and Kono who have just joined him and Jerry - in full Elvis costume - at the convention] Hey. Welcome to the, uh... freak show. We've got 17 Elvises, all of them potential suspects or witnesses.
Jerry Ortega: [In all seriousness] Actually, the correct terminology is Elvi. But, you can also call them ETA's.
[At the looks he is getting]
Jerry Ortega: Elvis Tribute Artists.

Danny 'Danno' Williams: It's amazing. The amount of useless trivia that you've managed to obtain over the years just blows my mind.
Jerry Ortega: Hey, when it comes to the king, nothing's trivial.

Danny 'Danno' Williams: [after the bad guy, dressed as Elvis, is wheeled away by the coroner's team] No one's gonna say it?
Jerry Ortega: Elvis has left the building.


"Hawaii Five-0: Ho'oma'ike (#5.6)" (2014)
Jerry Ortega: Whatever happened to immunity and means? Since when does Five-0 need a warrant?
Steve McGarrett: Since you decided to conduct your own illegal surveillance operation, Jerry.
Jerry Ortega: Oh, right. Good point. That was my bad.

Jerry Ortega: [Stalling in front of the deputy DA] Ummmm, you know Area 51? Turns out there's an Area 52. Blows your mind, right?

Jerry Ortega: [Referring to Corrigan] You gotta hand it to the guy. As far as distractions go, he's right up there with Hans and Simon Gruber.


"Hawaii Five-0: Ka No'eau (#5.4)" (2014)
Steve McGarrett: So, listen, if somebody wanted to live off the grid, Jerry, and I'm talking, like, big brother fearing, income tax avoiding, way, *way* off the grid, where would they go?
Kono Kalakaua: We're talking no phone service, no nosy tourists, no contact with the outside world.
Lou Grover: What they're tryin' to say is, where do your like-minded friends all live?
Jerry Ortega: How many people we lookin' at?
Kono Kalakaua: Maybe a dozen. Possibly more.
Steve McGarrett: Right, and it'd need to be a place that has the resources to sustain a community like that for a long period of time.
Jerry Ortega: So, you're sayin' like if Amelia Earhart had come to Hawaii to fake her death instead of Howland Island.

Kono Kalakaua: [the Five 0 team have set up traps for Bagosa and his henchmen. Kono comes out of a closet and takes out a guy. She speaks into her radio] It worked.
Chin Ho Kelly: [Through the closed team radio lines] Told ya.
Jerry Ortega: [Jerry is in the basement commandeering radio transmissions to trap more bad guys in various locations on the compound] Hey, how about a little love for the maestro?
Kono Kalakaua: Good work, Jerry.
Jerry Ortega: Thanks, sistah.
Steve McGarrett: [Over the closed team radio] Jerry, we got movement.
Jerry Ortega: [to the team] One diversion, coming right up.
[Radio transmission for another lure]
Jerry Ortega: Hey, have you seen my pocket knife?
Steve McGarrett: [More voices from various rooms. Grover takes out his guy in a workroom. Chin takes out a guy in the kitchen. Danny ambushes a guy from a bathroom stall. Steve and his guy come busting out of a door fighting and Steve is getting pummeled on the grass] A little help here!
Albert Bagosa: [Holding a gun to Steve's back as Steve is punching the guy on the grass this time] Freeze!
[Bagosa clicks his gun to shoot]
Nick 'Valentine' Mercer: [Valentine holds and clicks his gun àt the back of Bargosa's head] Hello, boss.
Albert Bagosa: Do you have any idea what you're doing, Valentine?
Nick 'Valentine' Mercer: Asking you politely to put down your gun. You know me better than anyone. I'll blow your damn head off right here.
Steve McGarrett: [Bagosa lowers his gun, Steve takes it out of his hand, and Valentine clicks his gun to show Bargosa that it was not loaded. Steve instructs Chin after cuffing his guy] Take him away.
Chin Ho Kelly: My pleasure.
Albert Bagosa: [Turns to Valentine] I saved your life.
Nick 'Valentine' Mercer: In ways you'll never know.
Lou Grover: [Lou comes over to cuff Bargosa] You wanna step this way, sir. Got a nice little cage for you.
Nick 'Valentine' Mercer: [Steve approaches Valentine. Valentine hands him his gun] Thank you.
[Valentine puts his wrists out to be cuffed]
Steve McGarrett: Let's go.


"Hawaii Five-0: Waiwai (#6.17)" (2016)
Jerry Ortega: [to Chin and Kono after learning that he and everyone else in the building had been knocked out] I totally thought I was being abducted. I was so happy to wake up in my bunker and not some alien mother ship. But, also at the same time, a little bummed it didn't happen.


"Hawaii Five-0: Kanalu Hope Loa (#5.3)" (2014)
Jerry Ortega: You wanted a smoking gun? Well, chew on this. Not that one chews on a gun. I'm kinda mixing metaphors there. But, you get the point. Also, hi. How's it going?