John Herbert
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Quotes for
John Herbert (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

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"Family Guy: Episode VI: It's a Trap (#9.18)" (2011)
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Kid's tongue stuck to a ass.

John Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, you have a sister.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: A sister? Who is it?
John Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Who the hell you think it is? Who's the only damn woman in the galaxy?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Leia!

Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Oh, Luke! Did you want me to throw you your lightsaber?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Yeah, about 10 minutes ago!
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Just so you know, the compartment I keep your lightsaber is in my rectum.

Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: [to Luke] Hey, just for giggles, you wanna poop in Yoda's tiny toilet, pretend he took a giant poop?

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: How are we gonna get out of here?
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!

Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: I hate that stupid fish man.
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: I say when we're done with this, we go over there and fry him up in a skillet.

Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: Holy shit! That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational.
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: What's that mean?
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: It's fully functional!
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: I still don't get it. I'm 5.
Mort Goldman as Lando Calrissian: Bang, bang, boom, boom!
Rallo Tubbs as Nien Nunb: Bang, bang, boom, boom? Damn, that thing's operational!

"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Cleveland (R2-D2): My sister Regina-D2 lives here.
Quagmire (C-3PO): Is she single?
Cleveland (R2-D2): She's a lez-bot.

Cleveland (R2-D2): Who the hell are you?
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): One lucky son of a bitch.

Peter (Han Solo): All right, strap yourselves in. I'm about to make the jump to light speed.
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?

Cleveland (R2-D2): [Sees a hooded figure kneel before Luke and put a hand on his forehead] Who are you?
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): [Pulls back his hood to reveal Herbert the pedophile] One lucky son-of-a-bitch!

"Family Guy: Play It Again, Brian (#6.10)" (2008)
Herbert John: [Chris has just cussed at Herbert] Don't you mouth off to me or I gonna slap you right in your penis.

Herbert: Do you all know what day it is
Chris: No
Herbert: It's bath day
Chris: I dont wanna take a bath
Herbert: [laughing at Chris] not for you silly, it's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself, do you know anybody with a strong pair of young hands to help me in and out of the tub
Herbert: [meg washing him as herbert look and the camera dissapointingly] allllriggghttt

Meg Griffin: No offence Mr. Herbert but I'm a seventeen year old girl and I dont need you here.
Herbert: Well no offence to you to Meg but you're a seventeen year old girl and I don't need you here.

"Family Guy: To Love and Die in Dixie (#3.12)" (2001)
Machine: You have 113 new messages.
[Phone starts to beep]
Lois Griffin: Oh my!
Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wonderin', uh... where the newspaper boy was.
Herbert: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gon' come back.
Herbert: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
Herbert: Where are ya?
Herbert: Ah, you're startin' to piss me off, you little piggly sumbitch. Call me.

Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Don't make me beg now.
Chris: You're funny. Bye.
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.

"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard!
Peter Griffin: Why not? Herbert did it.
[pan to Herbert sitting at a wooden booth reading "Quahog Boys' Club: Free Popsicles and Shoulder Rubs"]
Herbert: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA! Hmm...

"Family Guy: Road to Rupert (#5.9)" (2007)
Herbert: Hey there, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, Mr. Herbert!
Herbert: Sellin' your old hand-me-downs?
Chris Griffin: Yep!
Herbert: You got anything that you used to wear in the summer time?
Chris Griffin: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus.

"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Herbert: Mmm, I'd love to dance, Fred Savage

"Family Guy: Family Gay (#7.8)" (2009)
Herbert: Hey there little fellaw.
Jockey: I'm 48
Herbert: This whole place is a giant mind fuck.

"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: I like all these electrical wires just nailed to the ice. That's probably pretty safe, right?