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: I haven't had pie like this since the Garden of Eden.
: [after shooting three people
] This one's on you. I worked this guy for six months, Lester. Six months. Can you imagine the number of sour mouths I put my hands in? The gallons of human spit? Plus the hundred thousand ballot down the toilet, but still, the look on his face when I pulled the gun? Classic, huh?
: Oh, mick mike. I just keep pinching myself. Lorne Malvo
: Well, honey, you've earned it. It's like my mama always said, "boys, if you like the milk, buy the freakin' cow." Jemma Stalone
: Oh, that's so sweet. Well, I am gonna stick my whole thumb up your ass later. Lorne Malvo
: She stopped putting it in her mouth soon as the ring went on her finger. Lorne Malvo
: Well, that's a national tragedy, Burt.
: Lester... Is this what you want?... Yes or no?
: [Referring to Gus & Molly's wedding picture
] Of course no one hangs the sad pictures. Am I right? Mom crying and dad looking angry. Kid with a black eye.
: Your problem is you've spent your whole life thinking there are rules. There aren't. We used to be gorillas.
: I'm gonna roll my window up, then I'm going to drive away and you're gonna go home to your daughter. And every few years you're gonna look at her face and know that you're alive because you chose not to go down on a certain road on a certain night. That you chose to walk into the light instead of into the darkness.
: Evening, officer. Gus Grimly
: Evening. License and registration, please. Lorne Malvo
: We could do it that way. You ask me for my papers. I tell you it's not my car, that I borrowed it. See where thing go from there. We could do that. Or you could go get in your car and drive away. Gus Grimly
] Now, why would I do that? Lorne Malvo
: Because some roads you shouldn't go down. Because maps used to say, "There be dragons here." Now they don't. But that don't mean the dragons aren't there.
: Just one word. Yes or no.
: Truth is, you're more of a man today than you were yesterday. Lester Nygaard
: How do you figure? Lorne Malvo
: It's a red tide, Lester. This life of ours. The shit they make us eat. Day after day - The boss, the wife, et cetera - wearing us down. If you don't stand up to it, let 'em know you're still an ape. Deep down where it counts. You're just gonna get washed away.
: No, mister, we're not friends. I mean, maybe we will be someday. But I gotta say, if it were me in your position... I would have killed that man. Lester Nygaard
: Well, now... Come on.
[Malvo stares intently into Lester's eyes
: You've grown up believing there are rules. There aren't...
: [Pointing at two telephones
] This one calls an ambulance, that one calls a hearse. I'm gonna ask you again, and depending on the answer, I pick up this, or that. Who do I talk to in Fargo?
: Two hombres took a run at me in Duluth. Mr. Rundle
: Mexicans? Lorne Malvo
: That's the wrong part of the sentence to be focusing on.
: So I notice you got a pin on your map in every state but Georgia. What the hell do you got against Georgia? Mr. Rundle
: My first wife. She was Korean. She used to spit at me when we had sex.
: There are no saints in the animal kingdom. Only breakfast and dinner.
: It was the Romans, wasn't it. Stavros Milos
: What are you saying? Lorne Malvo
: St. Lawrence, your window, Romans burned him alive. Stavros Milos
: They did. Lorne Malvo
: You know why? Stavros Milos
: Cause he was Christian. Lorne Malvo
: Maybe. But I think it was because the Romans were raised by wolves. The greatest empire in human history, founded by wolves. You know what wolves do. They hunt. They kill. It's why I never bought into the jungle book. Boy is raised by wolves and becomes friends with a bear and panther. I don't think so. I knew a guy once, had a hundred and ten pound Rottweiler, and one night this girl thought it would be funny to get down on all fours and let the dog hump her. Dog still had its balls. Well the dog gets up there, but he's not in on the joke. This is just a bitch in heat as far as he's concerned. He's not leaving til he gets what he came for. Well the girl, too late, realizes the kind of mistake she's made. She wants to get up. But the dog had other ideas. Had to shoot it behind the ear to get it off of her. Stavros Milos
: I don't uh... I don't... Lorne Malvo
: Well I'm saying that the Romans raised by wolves, they see a guy turning water into wine, what do they do. They eat him. Cause there are no saints in the animal kingdom. Only breakfast and dinner.
: There are no saints in the animal world. Just breakfast and dinner.
: Did you know the human eye can see more shades of green than any other color?
: How do you do that, just lie like that? Lorne Malvo
: Do you know why the human eye can see more shades of green than any other color? Once you can answer that, you'll have your answer.
: A Zombie kit... shotgun, machete, some Bactine®. It's a side business. I make up these knapsacks for the Zombie Apocalypse. You know... in case the dead come back to life and world gets all "dog-eat-dog." Lorne Malvo
: It's already "dog-eat-dog," friend. Not sure what worse a bunch of zombies could do.
: [after pulling the trigger on an empty chamber by Don Chumph
] That's okay. I'd be insulted if you didn't try.
: This is highly irregular. Lorne Malvo
: No. Lorne Malvo
: Highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster oven. This is just odd.