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[Natty walks in and finds Malone dusting
] Natalie Hollingsworth
: Excuse me, is this Suzanne Sugarbaker's office? Jennifer Malone
: Why yes, it is. However, I don't really work here. I'm just waiting to apply for a job. There wasn't anyone around and the place needed dusting. Luckily I carry a can of lemon Pledge in my purse for just these kinds of emergencies!
: What time is this Sugarbaker person getting here, anyway? Jennifer Malone
: Well I'm sure any minute now, she must be running late. Sissy Emerson
: Oh, of course she's running late, everybody says she's stupid. Or she's a lesbian. I forget which, she's either stupid or she's a lesbian... or she killed a man. No, you know, maybe that was somebody else. You know how it is, so many rumors. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Yes, and so little time to check them all out.
: And by the way, Miss Sugarbaker, I just want you to know we were all absolutely devastated over your husband's untimely death. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, I'm not sure how untimely it was, he was 76! Anyway, there's no reason to be sad. He lived a wonderful life and never suffered unless I wanted him to.
: You know Miss Sugarbaker? Natalie Hollingsworth
: No, I knew her husband. When I found out the old man died and that his big ol' dumb beauty queen wife was coming to fill his seat, I said, "Natalie, why wait until the body is cold? This is Washington and nobody else is going to. Get yourself over there and fill that vacuum; seize this chance to mold somebody in your own image, put America right again and kick a little butt!"
: Somebody from the White House called and said the President wants you to go jogging with him. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I can't go, I don't jog. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Why not? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Because I'm very voluptuous! I mean, there's enough stuff going on just when I walk. If I JOG, I might take out a couple of Secret Service agents!
: If you go on Crossfire and they're gonna start asking you those questions like, oh - do you pay social security taxes on your maid? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, I just pay her cash. What she does with it is her own business. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, please! Now that's gonna be in every paper in the country! Sapphire will tear you apart. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I don't think so, I don't think she even takes the paper. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Who are you talking about? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I'm talking about my maid, Sapphire. Who are you talking about? Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, I'm talking about Bill Sapphire, the columnist. You have a black maid named Sapphire? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Yes, I do. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Are you aware that that is a racial stereotype, like Amos 'n Andy? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Look, I can't help what it is. Sapphire's her damned name and she's too old to change it now!
: We've got to return that "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" tape. We were looking at that the other night and that Jimmy Stewart is just as cute as a button! Sissy Emerson
: Ha! Obviously you don't know that he used to whip those boys of his unmercifully. Jennifer Malone
: I thought that was Bing Crosby. Sissy Emerson
: Oh. Yeah, right. Oh then - oh, it was Jimmy Stewart that did not have any friends. Or maybe that was Martha Stewart. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Yes sir, maybe that was Martha Washington! Sissy Emerson
: She was a lesbian, right?
: Have you ever heard of The Donner Party? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: No. It doesn't mean I wasn't invited though, I get lots of invitations.
: The Donner Party was this group of settlers who traveled way out West and, well, they got all bogged down in the snow and the mountains. Anyway, the real horror of their story is not that they were forced to eat their dead friends and relatives, but rather that when they got back, the press said that they enjoyed it!
: When we're dealing with the media, we have to be very, very careful. You see, Washington is the only town in America where the appearance of something is much more important than the reality. For instance, if you go into a public restroom and you come out too soon, you didn't wash your hands. If you stay in too long, you've molested someone. If you stay in there just the right amount of time, you're slick!
: There is no such thing as a little mistake in Washington. Even a tiny little thing can be made into a great big thing. I mean, it doesn't matter that George Bush was never mystified by a supermarket scanner or that Bill Clinton's haircut never held up any airplanes. All that matters is that it's repeated over and over again until it becomes fact and/or it sells enough newspapers and the retractions are printed on page 78. You tell her, Emerson, you're a reporter. Sissy Emerson
: It's true, look at what they did to poor old Betty Ford. For 40 years they told the world that she was a cold, brittle, humorless woman, and then on the day they buried her, they stood atop her grave and said, "Oh by the way, she was really very warm and funny." Natalie Hollingsworth
: That was Pat Nixon. Sissy Emerson
: Oh, what's the difference? Natalie Hollingsworth
: The difference is Pat Nixon is the one who died and Betty Ford is the one who has the clinic where you're going.
: There's at least 30 Congressmen calling for a full investigation and/or resignation, not to mention The Journal, The Times and The Post. Sissy Emerson
: And don't forget, Penthouse wants to know if she has any wedding night videos. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, I'm sorry but I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like I went out and whacked some ice skater on the knee!
: Nobody tells the truth in Washington unless they're in an underground parking lot and terminally ill!
: This is not scandal! I mean, look at that Prince Charles over in England. Now, I'm sorry but I think what he said is a whole lot worse than what I said! Natalie Hollingsworth
: What are you talking about? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I'm just making a comparison, Natty. The man apparently told that Camilla Parker whatshername that he wants to be a tampon. Now I'm sorry, but I think once you've said something like that, you give up your right to be the King of England! Natalie Hollingsworth
: Suzanne, you know since coming here you have, hmmm... diminished all women as sexual commodities, slandered homosexuals, insulted blacks and bragged about being rich. Now, while it is true that you did not express a desire to be a tampon, I fail to see how that's a cause for rejoicing or a negation of your other comments.
: Emerson, what is this about you being evicted? Sissy Emerson
: Oh, it's nothing. I'm sure I can straighten it out. It's all due to a little miscalculation I made when I was working at The Post. I thought that even if I lost that job, I would have enough money to last me for at least a year. But I was drinking then. Turns out I only had enough money to last about, uh - an hour and a half.
: Suzanne, you cannot invite someone from a sitcom to have dinner with the President. I mean, if we're gonna do that, why don't we just get the guy who invented Viewmaster?
: Suzanne, having dinner with the President is an opportunity only about 1 in 250 million Americans is ever given. I don't think we can afford to make a mistake here. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Excuse me, Natty, but trust me when I tell you this is one thing you do not have to worry about. Just for your information, I have personally hosted over 200 dinner parties while traveling the beauty pageant circuit. Natalie Hollingsworth
: You know, I have never known anyone like you. It's like your only frame of reference is these beauty pageants, like you were born in that little glass isolation booth in Atlantic City.
: Well, that was Jamie Farr. You know, he used to play Klinger on M*A*S*H. You can put a star next to his name on the guest list, Malone! Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, isn't that wonderful? Now all we need to invite is Mr. Ed and our sitcom contingent will be complete. Sissy Emerson
: Come on, Natty. I'm sick and tired of hearing about how terrible it would be if someone who worked on a sitcom could have dinner with the President. A sitcom is nothing but a little play and, if you ask me, some of them are pretty damn good. In fact, M*A*S*H was better written, more enlightening and entertaining than half the things I've seen at The Kennedy Center or on Broadway. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, who rattled your chain? Sissy Emerson
: No one. It's just that I've been sober for several weeks now and apparently I'm starting to sound more intelligent.
: Why do you hate Hollywood so much? Natalie Hollingsworth
: Oh, I don't hate it. It's just that it's the only town in America where Kato Kaelin would be considered an appropriate babysitter.
[Natty's been talking on the phone to her imprisoned boyfriend
] Sissy Emerson
: So how are things going at old Rancho Minimum Security? Natalie Hollingsworth
: You know, Emerson, I can do without the sarcasm. Sissy Emerson
: Sorry, Natty, I'm just trying to cheer you up. I guess just being in love with your ex-boss-Congressman who's also married and serving time in prison on fraud and bribery charges might be making you, oh I don't know - a little bit blue. But then if you're happy, I'm happy.
: Emerson, I'm curious about what you've been doing in the bathroom for 45 minutes every morning this past week. I mean, is there some reason you are unable to perform your toiletries at home? Sissy Emerson
: You know, I never really thought of it as "performing my toiletries!" But actually, if you are referring to brushing my teeth, yes, sometimes when I'm running late I do it here. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Please, you have been in there long enough to have a baby! Sissy Emerson
: Oh, right. You caught me. I was in there having Newt Gingrich's love child.
: I tried my best to be charming. They asked me about the crime bill and I gave what I thought was a real cute answer. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Why are my palms beginning to sweat? Suzanne Sugarbaker
: I just explained that I'm all for that three strikes thing, but I think we should be just as hard on the women as we are on the men - especially all those Lorena Bobbitt imitators. I mean, I'm sorry but fair is fair. I say, two balls and you're out! Sissy Emerson
: And this was not well-received?
: Emerson, I want to know what's going on with you. Are you drinking again? Sissy Emerson
: No, Natty, I am not drinking again! If I were drinking I'd be in a good mood!
: You know, there was a woman on TV the other day who, I kid you not, has this condition that makes her nipples hard all the time. I mean, come on! Get a life, get a vest! I don't wanna know this! I mean, whatever happened to keeping your dirty little secrets to yourself? What ever happened to shame? I'm sorry, but I think a little shame is healthy. You know, feeling so completely disgusted with yourself that you never want anyone to know how really low and truly wretched you are! I mean, am I the only one left in the world that still treasures the old-fashioned qualities of guilt and self-loathing? Natalie Hollingsworth
: I wouldn't know, Emerson. I don't know anything about those programs, I only watch PBS. Sissy Emerson
: Oh sure, Natty, that's what all the people who wear wigs and sunglasses tell their friends. And then they end up on TV with little descriptions under their faces like, "Sandy fears oral stimulation."
: Now my rule is, you've done your job right if a man leaves your house breathin' hard and walkin' funny. Natalie Hollingsworth
: Well I, for one, would like to distance myself from this philosophy. I find it disgusting! It makes women sexual commodities. Suzanne Sugarbaker
: Well, you can call it whatever you like, Natty, but I'm just tellin' you men respect pain. They like it! That's why they watch football. That's why they like me.
: I thought we were here to warn Malone about the lines that guys give you. I mean, this is something that a person like her would be very susceptible to. Jennifer Malone
: Oh, I know about that. You mean, like, "What's your sign?" Sissy Emerson
: "What's your sign?" No, you poor kid, no one uses that one anymore. I mean stuff like, uh, "Hi, my name is Frank, I work in advertising. My wife died last year of a brain tumor and until I met you, I haven't really wanted to be with anyone, except for my two small children, Max and Kara." Then later you find yourself in his apartment in Watergate... He's wearing a fur speedo and asking you to beat him with a broom because he's been naughty. Naughty, naughty, naughty! Natalie Hollingsworth
: Gee, Emerson, this sounds oddly specific.
: I know it's gonna sound crazy and I know Emerson's first response is going to be no, but I just want you to promise me that you'll think about it because though it sounds bad, it's really completely innocent. Sissy Emerson
: Okay, I've thought about it and the answer's no. Natalie Hollingsworth
: But you haven't even heard it! Sissy Emerson
: Oh, I don't have to hear it. Any time that anybody says that something's gonna be not as bad as it sounds, it always turns out to be horrible. Like when somebody tries to fix me up on a date and they always try to preface it with some kind of a disclaimer like, "I know just because he has a hole in his head you're gonna think it means something bad..."
: So that's basically it, I mean, there's nothing left to say. It was just one of those things! Natalie Hollingsworth
: One of those things? I ask you to do me a simple favor, you end up molesting my boyfriend and burning his cottage to the ground!
: And remember, Veda, we have a date tonight. Sissy Emerson
: So, you're dating Natty too? Veda Walkman
: Oh no, I'm not gay. I mean, unless somebody wants me to be.