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Quotes for
The Cat (Character)
from "Red Dwarf" (1988)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Red Dwarf: Justice (#4.3)" (1991)
Kryten: [about Rimmer] Would you describe the accused as a friend?
The Cat: Take the Fifth!
Kryten: Now, sir, if you can give an honest answer. You are under polygraphic surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I describe the accused as a git.

The Cat: I've seen mirrors, I have eyes. Let's face it, buddy. I have a body that makes men wet.

The Cat: [At Lister's swollen head] Man, look at you. Do you know what you look like? It's nauseating. You could go double-dating with the Elephant Man and he would be the looker!

Lister: Say she's an ordinary person who doesn't go for your type.
The Cat: I'd have heard about her! She would have appeared on Ripley's Believe It Or Not!

Lister: Say she's interested in somebody else.
The Cat: Like who?
Lister: I dont know. Well, like... like me.
The Cat: But you've got a head like a watermelon! What are you gonna do? Paint it in yellow and black stripes and pretend you play quarterback with the Bengals?

The Cat: You ever heard of an animal called an Iranian jird?
Lister: No.
The Cat: It can do a 150 pelvic thrusts a second.
Lister: So?
The Cat: So that's me in slow-mo. Put a Black and Decker drill on the end and I can make it through walls, boy!

Kryten: With respect, sir, they are not androids, they are simulants.
The Cat: What's the difference?
Kryten: Well, the basic difference is that an android will not rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.

The Cat: What a dilemma. Inside this pod is either death or a date. And personally, I'm prepared to take the risk.

The Cat: So what did you do?
Lister: Well, like, scrumping. When I was a kid back in Liverpool, we always used to go scrumping.
Kryten: Oh, stealing apples? That's hardly a crime, sir.
Lister: No, but me and my mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.

Rimmer: You're going to prove that I'm innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?
The Cat: Man, there ain't a jury in the land who wouldn't buy a plea like that!
Kryten: No, not a half-wit, exactly. More a buffoon.


"Red Dwarf: Gunmen of the Apocalypse (#6.3)" (1993)
Rimmer: It's time we decided who's going to take the one-man escape pod.
Cat: How?
Rimmer: Well, if you'll just bear with me, I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive. It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness... to cut a long story short, it's me. I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount. But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again! Keys?
Lister: Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.
Rimmer: Why not?
Lister: It escaped last Thursday. I was having a few beers, I couldn't be bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.
[mimes escape pod shooting off into space]
Lister: Whoosh!

Cat: [about Kryten] Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him? Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream? Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around that some place can do that? And if not...
[smacks table]
Cat: WHY not?
Rimmer: Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.
Lister: No, no, no.
[ponders for a moment]
Lister: I think he's got something.
Cat: Twice in one lifetime? When you're hot, you're hot!

Rimmer: Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.
Kryten: It's rogue simulants all right.
Rimmer: Recommend immediate total and unequivocal surrender.
Kryten: Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do. They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life. They believe you to be the vermin of the universe, sir.
Cat: [looking at Lister] Didn't even know they'd met him!

Simulant Lieutenant: Incoming.
[on the screen appears Lister's upside-down mouth and jaw with an eyeball stuck on his chin and his neck hidden by a black sheet, so he looks like some kind of weird creature]
Lister: I am Tarka Dal, an ambassador of the Great Vindalooian Empire.
Simulant Captain: Our scanners reported human life on your vessel. Is this so?
Lister: Humans?
[spits]
Lister: The Vindalooian people despise all humans. They are the vermin of the universe. Is that not right, Bhindi Bhaji?
[the camera moves across to the Cat next to him, who has also been disguised in the same fashion]
Cat: You bet, we hate them! Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum!
[he spits. The camera moves back to Lister]
Lister: The Vindalooian Empire has pledged to exterminate them all.
[he licks his eyeball in a reptilian way]

[they wake up in the cockpit]
Rimmer: How long have we been out?
Lister: According to the navicom, three weeks!
Kryten: That's strange, the drive interface has been upgraded. So have the engines.
Rimmer: And if this readout's correct, we're armed. Laser cannons.
Lister: They've totally upgraded the whole ship.
Cat: They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control!

Cat: I know this game, it's called cat and mouse. And there's only one way to win, don't be the mouse.
Lister: What are you saying?
Cat: I'm saying the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons.

Cat: We don't run, we strike! It's the last thing they'll be expecting.
Rimmer: No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense.

Cat: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it!

Jimmy: [Lister has pinned him to the wall with his throwing knives] Frank, Luke, line his lungs with lead!
[the saloon customers all take cover. The Cat slowly steps foward]
Jimmy: Who in the heck are you?
Cat: [Mexican accent] They call me the kid. The Riviera Kid.
[he does a quick flamenco dance]
Jimmy: Well, Riviera Kid, let's see if your shootin's as fancy as your dancin'.
[In slow motion, Frank and Luke draw their pistols and fire. The Cat draws his two pistols and fires back. A close-up of two bullets landing on the floor. Cat smoothly twirls his pistols, holsters them and folds his arms]
Jimmy: He shot the damn bullets out of the air!

Rimmer: OK, long range scanners are down, the only early warning we've got is you. Stay alert.
Cat: OK, bud. I'll keep my nose peeled.


"Red Dwarf: Rimmerworld (#6.5)" (1993)
[Rimmer's in deep trouble]
The Cat: You know, there's an old cat saying. But you don't wanna hear it right now.

The Cat: There's an old cat saying: "If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones."
Rimmer: There's an old human saying: "If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain."

The Cat: [in Starbug, escaping from a destroyed ship] All in all a hundred per cent successful trip.
Kryten: But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer.
The Cat: All in all, a hundred per cent successful trip.

The Cat: [to a Rogue Simulant] There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number, with completely different gold spangles!
Kryten: That was an important speech, sir, and it needed to be made. Might I suggest, however, that the rest of this discourse is continued by those with brains larger than a grape?

Kryten: [to Lister] Sir, are you really saying you would rather have a psychopathic mechanical killer rip off your skull and play your frontal lobes like a xylophone than have another bowl of my nourishing space nettle soup?
The Cat: Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks and hold up the sheet music!

Rimmer: Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn take them out and kill them. And when you've killed them burn the bodies, then bring me the cold ashes on a silver plate with a glass of chilled sancerre.
The Cat: This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know it's red wine with cold ashes.


"Red Dwarf: Back to Reality (#5.6)" (1992)
[a giant squid is approaching Starbug]
Lister: It's got three alternatives - it thinks we're either a threat, food or mate. It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we try to persuade it that we're not *that* kind of oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.
The Cat: And be diddled by a squid on a first date? Think of how I would be in the morning!

The Cat: Don't fish swim south for the winter?
Kryten: No, sir. That's birds.
The Cat: Birds swim south? How can they breathe?

The Cat: What the hell happened to my teeth? I could open beer bottles with my overbite!

The Cat: No, no! I don't want to be Duane Dibbley!

The Cat: We could all put our heads together and the bullet could go down the line!


"Red Dwarf: Psirens (#6.1)" (1993)
The Cat: That's it. We're deader than corduroy.

The Cat: There's an old cat proverb that goes, "It's better to live one hour as a tiger than an entire lifetime as a worm."
Rimmer: There's an old human proverb - "Whoever heard of a worm-skin rug?"

The Cat: [about Red Dwarf] Who'd steal a gigantic red trash can with no brakes and three million years on the clock?
Kryten: Rogue droids; genetically engineered life-forms; figments of Mr. Lister's imagination made solid by some weird space ray.

Rimmer: Some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. "Psirens."
Kryten: The poor devil must've scrawled it in his death throes using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: Who would do that?
Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.
The Cat: What I don't understand is why he went to the trouble of using his kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. It probably just... plopped out.

The Cat: More trouble, and it's heading straight for us.
Lister: What is it?
The Cat: Uh, what do you call one of those giant meteorites that are all covered in flames?
Lister: A giant flaming meteroite?
The Cat: That's it!


"Red Dwarf: Better Than Life (#2.2)" (1988)
[Rimmer's father has died. The Cat attempts to console him]
The Cat: About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure, it's bad news for him. But on the other hand, it's party time for all those little worms.

The Cat: Hey, man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat.
Lister: Rimmer's Dad's died.
The Cat: Well, I'd prefer chicken.

Holly: What's happening, dudes?
The Cat: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half fish.
[turns round to look]
The Cat: It's Miranda, my girlfriend!
[as she comes out of the water we see that the top half of her is a fish, the bottom half is a woman]
Holly: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the bottom.
The Cat: No, that's the *stupid* way round!

Marilyn Monroe: Hi Sugar! How's about a little bit of "oobie doobie doo"?
The Cat: How's about a little bit of "oobie doobie DON'T"!

Rimmer's Dad: I just wanted to say... You're a total smeghead!
Rimmer: What? This isn't my fantasy?
The Cat: [leans into frame, grinning] No, it's MINE!


"Red Dwarf: Dimension Jump (#4.5)" (1991)
Rimmer: I don't know what it is about me. All my life, it's been the same old story. It's not easy you know to come in every night, look in that mirror and see a guy nobody likes.
The Cat: How do you think we feel? We gotta look at it all day.

The Cat: [Lister, Cat and Kryten try to hide the fact they're going on a fishing holiday from Rimmer] What's he talking about?
Dave Lister: I don't know. For some reason, he's got this crazy, whacked-out idea that we're going on a fishing holiday.
The Cat: Fishing holiday?
Rimmer: [Reads letter from the boys] Dear Rimmer, we're going on a fishing holiday to that ocean planet we passed two days ago. We tried to wake you, but couldn't. See you in three days, L, K and C.

Rimmer: Why didn't you just say: "Dear Rimmer, we're going on a fishing holiday and we don't want you to come"?
The Cat: See, that's what I said we should say!

The Cat: Has anyone seen the keys to the medical cabinet? I feel a sudden urge to suffocate myself with a 2lb black ribbed knobbler!


"Red Dwarf: Backwards (#3.1)" (1989)
Lister: This is crazy. Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
The Cat: You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
Lister: She'll never leave Fred and we know it.

The Cat: [about Rimmer and Kryten] We ain't gonna find them. They're gone, buddy. Look on the bright side.
[happily]
The Cat: They're gone, buddy.

Lister: [Lister and the Cat are about to enter a time hole] Fasten your belts.
The Cat: Hey, I do not need fashion tips from you.
Lister: Safety belts!

The Cat: Well, I would go with Betty but I'd be thinking of Wilma.


"Red Dwarf: Emohawk: Polymorph II (#6.4)" (1993)
The Cat: [to Rimmer] I have got hair like yours, just not on my head.

Rimmer: You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut.
Lister: [Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech] I'm going back to bed.
Rimmer: Would it harm you to have hair like mine?
The Cat: I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.
Rimmer: Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut.
Kryten: Oh, surely not, sir!
Rimmer: Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw.
Kryten: Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist!

Computer: Property Corps Space removing and, equipment Corps Space damaging, ships Corps Space of series a looting with charged formally are you.
Kryten: The materialisation must have scrambled its voice unit. It's making as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual.
Computer: Plead you do how?
Rimmer: It's in reverse. "How do you plead?"
The Cat: How do we plead to what?
Kryten: It's charging us with looting Space Corps derelicts.
Lister: But we don't loot Space Corps derelicts. We just hack our way in and swipe what we need!
Rimmer: Lister, if this goes to trial, I demand separate lawyers.
The Cat: What's the penalty for this? 'Cos if it means wearing outfits with arrows on, I'm committing suicide!
Kryten: No, sir. It means wearing outfits with wings and halos on, sir. The penalty is execution.
Rimmer: Why so harsh?
Kryten: It's Frontier law sir, and we're the deep space equivalent of horse rustlers. Severe sentencing is the only way to restore order. So don't expect it to show us any mercy.
Rimmer: What do we do?
Kryten: Let's face it, sir. We're as guilty as the man behind the grassy knoll!
Lister: Yeah, but if we admit it, it'll blow us out of the stars.
Rimmer: Recommendations?
Kryten: Hmm, suggest I take the rap for all of you. You could say I held you hostage and forced you all to do my evil bidding.
Rimmer: For God's sake, Kryten! We can't let you do that!
Kryten: Really?
Rimmer: Dream on, metal trash! Get your hands in the air and step into that searchlight!

Rimmer: Damage report?
The Cat: It's bad, bud! Looks like Starbug's been hit!
Rimmer: Details, halibut breath!
The Cat: Well, according to the Damage Report Machine, there are several small fires in the cockpit, lots of smoke and the Navicomp's fizzing.
[the Damage Report Machine explodes]
The Cat: Oh, damn! Now the Damage Report Machine's exploded!


"Red Dwarf: Meltdown (#4.6)" (1991)
[looking out a prison window, after being captured by Hitler]
Lister: Hang on, hang on, something's happening. Some kind of parade, or drill, but...
The Cat: But what?
Lister: Hang on. These guys aren't Nazis. They're all wearing different period costumes. There's one looking like Al Capone, there's another like Mussolini, Richard III, Napoleon... Smeg, it's like all the worst people in history have been brought together in one place. My God, there's James Last. I recognize him from Rimmer's record collection.
The Cat: What are they doing?
Lister: They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad. Whoah, whoah, hang on, someone's being brought out. They're tying him to a stake. It's Winnie the Pooh.
The Cat: What?
Lister: Winnie the Pooh, I swear. He's refusing the blindfold.
The Cat: They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?
[gunfire from outside]
Lister: [looking shell-shocked] That's something no-one should ever have to see.

[looking out a prison window]
The Cat: What are those guys doing out there?
Lister: They're building something.
The Cat: What?
Lister: Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a sculpture, you know, modern art job, like the kind you get in shopping malls.
The Cat: What's it made of?
Lister: Wood... its sort of an inverted "L" shape in wood.
The Cat: Does it have a kind of... rope motif?
Lister: There is a sort of noosey theme to it, yeah.

Caligula: [stopping Rasputin giving Lister the paddle] Do you think I'm insane?
The Cat: Shall we take a quick vote?
Caligula: Silence, scum!

The Cat: Who is this guy?
Lister: Caligula's a famous Roman Emperor. He slept with his mother and his sister and ended up eating their son.
The Cat: Hey, a little advice, bud. We all feel a little peckish after making love but most of us settle for pizza.


"Red Dwarf: Holoship (#5.1)" (1992)
The Cat: Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir. With just two minor flaws. One, we don't have any defensive shields. And two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw but I thought that it was such a big one that it was worth mentioning twice.
The Cat: Good point, well made.

Kryten: They've taken Mr. Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
The Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!

The Cat: Personally, I thought it started well but fell apart. All the stuff about the ducks getting into trouble - that was great. But then it went black and white and I fell asleep.
Kryten: But sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!

Kryten: What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed.
Rimmer: But it *is* possible!
Kryten: Possible, but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton!
The Cat: Reduced?


"Red Dwarf: Back to Earth (Part Three) (#9.3)" (2009)
[the gang climb out out Carbug and look around]
Rimmer: What sort of godforseken place it this?
Cat: This is worse than Rimmerworld!
Dave Lister: Get out of town - this is brilliant! It's just like where I grew up, except there's less burning cars!

Dave Lister: [Lister walks in] You're the only one who can help us, man!
Craig Charles: [Stands up and moves away] I've heard about these! They're called flashbacks! I know you don't exist!
Cat: Okay, no need to rub it in!
Rimmer: Just give us the address of whoever created us, and we'll jump into Starbug and be out of here!
Craig Charles: Starbug?
Simon Gregson: Yeah, I just told ya, they landed outside the Kabin!
Rimmer: [Turning to Simon] That is okay, isn't it? We're not going to get a ticket, are we?
Craig Charles: You're not all here! I know you're not all here!
Rimmer: [Pointing to Kryten] Eh, He's not all here, but the rest of us are!
Cat: Yeah!

Cat: [Craig reveals the last script is due in a couple of days] All we need from you is an address, bud!

Cat: What about a show about cats?
Dave Lister: That'd never work.


"Red Dwarf: Legion (#6.2)" (1993)
The Cat: What the hell is all this down my chair? Peanuts?
Lister: No, I've been trimming my veruccas.
The Cat: You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush.
Lister: You really think I'm that psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK?
The Cat: Real peanuts?
Lister: Yeah.
The Cat: [eats the peanuts] Where'd you get them?
Lister: I got them a couple of months back. I found them in the dead Captain's old donkey jacket.
[The Cat feels sick]
Lister: Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that Mint Imperial, didn't you?
The Cat: [nods] Where did you get that?
Lister: He was sucking that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack.

The Cat: [faced with the ship being destroyed] We're deader than tank tops!

The Cat: Hey, you think I'll buy anything you say, dontcha? Well wrong, buddy! Now get outta here, I gotta keep my eyes skinned for that asteroid shaped like a dancin' moose you told me about yesterday.

Kryten: But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain.
Legion: Kryten, you forget. Not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch.
[Legion stabs himself in the hand. The others all feel pain in their hands]
Legion: The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up...
[he points it at his groin]
Legion: Here.
Kryten: Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.
Rimmer, Lister, The Cat: Yes, it does!


"Red Dwarf: White Hole (#4.4)" (1991)
Kryten: Mr. Rimmer would be effectively... dead
The Cat: Hey, things are looking up already.
Rimmer: Forget it... whatever it is you're suggesting... forget it.
Kryten: But the entire ship is running on emergency battery power only. With the oxygen recycler and minimal heating a lighting, I estimate that Lister and The Cat have approximately two months left, without your drain on the power they might last six. I'm sorry sir.
Rimmer: Sorry? Why are you sorry?
Kryten: Well the Space Corp directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: No chance you metal bastard.
The Cat: Come on man you've gotta sacrific your life, I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.
Rimmer: You? You'd sacrific your life for the good of the crew?
The Cat: No, I'd sacrific *your* life for the good of the crew.

Kryten: But there are 53 doors from here to the science deck. How on Earth are we going to get through?
The Cat: Hey! I got it! We laser our way through!
Kryten: Ah, an excellent plan, sir, with only two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers; and two, we don't have any lasers.

The Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A *white* hole?
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: So, that thing's spewing time...
Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat] ... back into the Universe?
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
The Cat: So, what is it?
Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Rimmer: A *white* hole?
Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.
Lister: [minus the hat] So, that thing's spewing time...
Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat, again] ... back into the Universe?
Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
Lister: What time phenomena?
Kryten: Like just then, when time repeated itself.
The Cat: So, what is it?
[Kryten, Rimmer, and Lister stare at Cat]
The Cat: Only joking.


"Red Dwarf: Quarantine (#5.4)" (1992)
Rimmer: If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.
Lister: OK. We've passed the test now, Rimmer. You can let us out.
Rimmer: I can't let you out.
Lister: Why not?
Rimmer: Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I went down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for ten years.
The Cat: Can we see him?
Rimmer: See who?
The Cat: The king.
Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
Lister: Yeah. A little three-seater.

Lister: Why is it we never meet anyone nice?
The Cat: Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?

Lister: [Exploring a crashed starship Lister cleans a dirty sign revealing "Viral Research Dept."] Oh brutal!
Kryten: [Lister cleans off more dust from the sign, revealing "Most Gross Danger!" and "Bio-suits must be worn at all times!" A triangular warning symbol shows a man vomiting while his abdomen explodes. Lister and Cat panic, covering their mouths with handkerchiefs] There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now...
Kryten: [Looks at the device, waits, hits it on the side and then shakes it] It's never done that before...
Kryten: [Turns his back to Lister and Cat and continues shaking and hitting the device] Stupid cheap damn stupid Martian power packs.
[Throws a dead battery over his shoulder and inserts a new one]
The Cat: [Still panicking] So what's the news?
Kryten: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up.
[He shakes it some more]
Kryten: Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. A small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. Ah. Now here are the results. Yep. And we're going to... live.
Lister: [sighing] We're a real Mickey Mouse operation aren't we?
The Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!


"Red Dwarf: Stasis Leak (#2.4)" (1988)
Holly: I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.
Lister: What are you trying to say, Hol?
Holly: What I'm saying, Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
The Cat: Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

The Cat: Wow! I've never been this close to women before. It makes me want to do something. But I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, I want to do a lot of it.

The Cat: [to Rimmer] What *is* it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
The Cat: [to Lister] What *is* it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
The Cat: [to Rimmer] What *is* it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the Universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
The Cat: [to Lister] What *is* it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
The Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?


"Red Dwarf: Demons & Angels (#5.5)" (1992)
The Cat: Nice movie collection. "Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monster." "Die Screaming with Sharp Things in your Head."
Kryten: Gore movies. Weapons magazines. This place is a shrine to everything that's low and base. Everything that's designed to sicken the soul and shrivel the spirit. Urg. Toastie Toppers. Ugh. Cinema hot dogs. Ogh. Sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out. Ogh.
The Cat: Look at this music. "Hammond Heaven." "Karaoke Krazy." "Peter Perfect Plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies." Let's get outta here.

Kryten: Sir, we were so worried. What happened?
Rimmer: We were ambushed by a platoon of Lows. I was leading a valiant rearguard action.
The Cat: I found him shivering in a box.
Rimmer: It was tactical maneuver to outfox the enemy.
The Cat: As was using his uniform as a temporary latrine.

The Cat: See what you did to my blouson? Look at it. Plus, you almost killed me three times.


"Red Dwarf: Waiting for God (#1.4)" (1988)
The Cat: I'm smooth with a capital 'smoo'.

Lister: I am your god.
The Cat: Okay.
[points at his bowl of Crispies]
The Cat: Turn this into a woman.
Lister: I'm serious.
The Cat: So am I.

The Cat: If you're God, why that face?
Lister: What's wrong with my face?
The Cat: "What's wrong with your face"? It's upside down and inside out!


"Red Dwarf: Back to Earth (Part One) (#9.1)" (2009)
[Cat has described what happened on G deck]
Cat: I need counselling!
Rimmer: You got that right!

Cat: Don't look at me, I ain't going! I'm still in trauma! Look at my suit! It may not pull through!
Lister: Find another suit - you're going!
Cat: Hey, I'm a cat! Nobody bosses Mr C around! You got that, monkey boy? Or should I explain that one more time for your small monkey brain?
Lister: How would you like it if I flushed the entire ship's supply of tuna out of an airlock?
Lister: When are we going?

[Lister reveals they will be leaving in two minutes]
Cat: Two minutes! Two minutes! I need to make myself look sensational! Make it three, and don't wear nothing lilac, or we'll clash!


"Red Dwarf: Cassandra (#8.4)" (1999)
Rimmer: Cassandra, I have a question.
Cassandra: I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
Rimmer: So what's the answer?
Cassandra: He chokes to death aged 181 trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
Lister: What was the question?
Rimmer: I just asked how you died.
Lister: You what? I didn't wanna know that. Who's bra?
The Cat: 181? Probably your own.
Lister: Come on, though. Taking a bra off with my teeth aged 181. That's a hell of a sexy way to go.
Kryten: So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.

Kryten: I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg didn't crash, did it, Cassandra? The ship was sent here by the Space Corps on autopilot to get rid of you; to abandon you in a lunar sea in the depths of deep space.
The Cat: That's brilliant, bud! How did you work that out?
Kryten: I read it on this mission directive here.

Rimmer: Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie.
Lister: OK, Cassandra. Do we ever get back to Earth? Has the human race survived?
The Cat: Do I ever find my singing tiepin?


"Red Dwarf: Back in the Red: Part 3 (#8.3)" (1999)
The Cat: I'm so gorgeous, that there's a six-month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear whenever I am near.

Lister: Just do the smegging dance and we'll be out of here in a jiffy.
The Cat: Dance? With her, I'd have trouble walking. I'm powering up.

First Ground Controller: This is Ground Control to Midget Three. You don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and clearance code.
The Cat: Ground Control, this is... uh...
Lister: [whispers] Major Tom.
The Cat: ...Major Tom.


"Red Dwarf: The Last Day (#3.6)" (1989)
[everyone is drunk]
Lister: What are you saying, Rimmer?
Rimmer: I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.
Lister: Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.
Rimmer: How many toes have you got?
Lister: Ten.
The Cat: Yeah, on both feet.
Lister: Altogether.
Kryten: They're not webbed or anything are they?
Lister: Look, they weren't related, all right?
[Kryten falls off his chair]

Kryten: Mum. I never had a mum.
The Cat: It's all right, buddy. It's all part of being drunk. You've been through the happy stage. Now you're going through the melancholy stage.
Kryten: I wish I had a mum.
Holly: I never had a mum, neither.
Rimmer: Well, you can all have mine. Everyone else did.

Kryten: [waking up after a night of partying] Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!
[others groan and start to wake]
Kryten: Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Rimmer: Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.
Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
The Cat: Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!


"Red Dwarf: Queeg (#2.5)" (1988)
Holly: We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. That's right. I am Queeg.
Lister, The Cat, Rimmer: What?
Holly: Queeg never existed. It was me all along.
Lister, The Cat, Rimmer: *What?*
Holly: Wheeze of the week, mate.
The Cat: It was a joke?
Holly: Going round in circles for 14 months. Getting my information from the Junior Color Encyclopedia of Space. The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?
Lister: So you mean you staged the whole thing?
Holly: [in Queeg's voice] That's right, suckers.
[in his voice]
Holly: And the moral of the story is, "Appreciate what you've got", because basically I'm fantastic.

Lister: Hang on. You can't do this. Holly's got an I.Q. of 6,000.
Holly: Yeah. Right on.
Queeg: Is that what he told you?
Lister: Well what is it, then?
Queeg: It has a six in it, but it's not 6,000.
The Cat: What is it?
Queeg: Six.
Holly: Six? Do me a lemon. That's a poor I.Q. for a glass of water.

Holly: What's happening, dudes?
Lister: Bog all.
Holly: Wait a minute. I've forgotten what I was gonna say.
Rimmer: Well, it can't have been that important then, can it?
[the ship is hit by a meteor, forcing the crew onto the floor]
Holly: Yeah. That's it."Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship". I knew it'd come back to me.
The Cat: Thanks for the warning.


"Red Dwarf: Out of Time (#6.6)" (1993)
The Cat: [looks through "Futurescope"] Man, this is tragic. This is the saddest thing I've seen in my life.
[takes eyes off the 'scope]
The Cat: What happened to my butt? Buddy, you can park a plane in that crease.
Lister: So what? You're bald and you're fat. That's what happens when you get older. Look at me; just a brain in a jar.
The Cat: Self, self, self, self, self.

Rimmer: Have we got any chance of winning?
Kryten: Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.
Rimmer: Then I say fight!
Kryten: Mr Rimmer?
Rimmer: Better dead than smeg!
Lister: Yes! Cat?
The Cat: Better anything than sofa-sized butt!
Lister: Kryten?
Kryten: Better anything than that toupee!

[Starbug has gone through a false reality pocket, making them believe Lister was a robot]
Rimmer: So we just crashed through an un-reality pocket?
Kryten: Which created a false reality, making us believe... Mr. Lister was... oh my.
The Cat: You mean he's not a...
Kryten: [quickly, embarrassed] No.


"Red Dwarf: Only the Good... (#8.8)" (1999)
Big Meat: There ain't no one more bad-assed, evil than me in the whole of hell. What makes you think you can diss me and live?
The Cat: 'Cos things are changing round here. From now on, marshmallow ass, you're my bitch!

Baxter: Your two mates gulped my hooch. And when they get out of hospital, and there's no guards around, this is what's going to happen to them.
[squeezes two bread rolls and laughs maniacally to indicate that he will beat them up]
The Cat: You're gonna squeeze their rolls? Man, that's irritating! But hey, in many ways, they'll be quite relieved!


"Red Dwarf: D.N.A. (#4.2)" (1991)
[an alien device just turned Lister into a chicken, then a hamster]
The Cat: What was it like, being a hamster?
Lister: Well, it was better than being a chicken. I mean, you've seen the size of an egg. You've seen the size of a chicken's bum. I was trying to say, in chicken-talk, "For God's sake, give me an epidural."

Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of danger, you only look after number one, you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
The Cat: You just listed all my best features.


"Red Dwarf: Confidence & Paranoia (#1.5)" (1988)
The Cat: Hey! You're awake!
Lister: Yeah, I've just woke up.
The Cat: Yeah, well, I've brought you some presents!
Lister: Aw, you shouldn't have bothered.
The Cat: Ha ha! Well, I'm that kind of guy! Hey, let's see what we've got in the magic bag here! I got you some grapes!
[the Cat holds up the bare stems of an ex-bunch of grapes]
The Cat: And I got you an orange!
[the Cat holds up an orange peel]
Lister: Thanks a lot.
The Cat: That's all right. Hey, well, all this enormous generosity has made me tired. I'm going to bed.
[the Cat takes Lister's pillow and blanket and lays down on the bottom bunk]
The Cat: Ah, yes, indeedy.

Rimmer: [to Lister] You're awake.
The Cat: Yeah, but I'll be asleep in a minute.
Rimmer: [to Lister] How do you feel?
The Cat: Fine. Just don't ask me any more questions. I'm trying to sleep!
Rimmer: Shut up you stupid moggy and out of that bed!
The Cat: [Getting out of bed] Well, if you're going to speak to me like that, I'm gonna take my presents back!
[the Cat grabs the bag from Lister and heads for the door]
Rimmer: [to Lister] How do you feel?
The Cat: [walking out of the room] Hurt!


"Red Dwarf: Beyond a Joke (#7.6)" (1997)
The Cat: How come I have to do everything? "Cat, do this!" "Cat, do that!" What am I? A dog?

The Cat: [about Kryten, whose head had just blown up] Life without a head. That's gonna seriously put a real crimp on his lifestyle. What can he do without a head?
Lister: Apart from being you, hardly anything.


"Red Dwarf: Terrorform (#5.3)" (1992)
Kryten: I remember Mr Rimmer screaming. I have an image of his face. Twisted with fear, pain, anguish, dread. Absolutely mortified.
The Cat: Did someone suggest that he pick up the tab for lunch?

The Cat: I say let's get into the jet-powered rocket pants and Junior Birdman the hell out of here.
Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks. A, We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants. And B, There's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial "Robbie Rocket Pants".
The Cat: Well, that's put a crimp on an otherwise damn fine plan.


"Red Dwarf: Thanks for the Memory (#2.3)" (1988)
The Cat: What is this place?
Lister: This is the hologram simulation suite. This is the room that creates Rimmer.
The Cat: Have we come to blow this room up?

Rimmer: [dramatically] Somehow we've lost the last four days.
The Cat: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly always there.
Rimmer: Aliens!
Lister: What?
The Cat: What are you talking about, grease stain?
Rimmer: It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory, and put you back.
Lister: OK, aliens came aboard.
Rimmer: Without question.
Lister: They broke my leg.
Rimmer: For some reason.
The Cat: They broke MY leg.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: And then they did a jigsaw.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: Well, that's cleared that up then.
Rimmer: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are: alien. They do alien things. Things that are... alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate.
The Cat: By breaking legs?
Lister: And doing jigsaws?
Rimmer: Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens.
Lister: OK, professor, what does it mean?
Rimmer: Maybe, maybe, OK? Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel." They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," gettit? They do it twice - twice, "two." "Hello two." And the jigsaw must mean "you." "Hello to you."
[pause]
The Cat: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
[Cat limps away]


"Red Dwarf: Kryten (#2.1)" (1988)
The Cat: Yeah, I'm so excited, all of my six nipples are tingling.

The Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man. You threw the stick, you go and get it yourself, I'm busy. If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"


"Red Dwarf: Pete: Part 2 (#8.7)" (1999)
Lister: Holly, we need your advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
Holly: What do you want? The long or the short version?
Lister: Long.
Holly: You're finished.
[pause]
The Cat: What's the short version?
Holly: Bye.

Lister: We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet, or we're dead.
Rimmer: Keep him quiet? He's rampaging around the food decks making more noise than two yodeling champions on honeymoon. Everyone on the ship would've heard him by now.
Kryten: Sir, the crew are frozen; operating on a different time stream. Now if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no-one would be any the wiser.
The Cat: He's right. I just listened to everything he said, and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.


"Red Dwarf: Parallel Universe (#2.6)" (1988)
The Cat: Hey. I wanna settle down. And as soon as I find the right small group of girls; the seven or eight women that are right for me, my wandering days are over, buddy.

Lister: I don't know why I'm going through with this. It's just not possible.
Rimmer: Why isn't it possible, Listy? Male baboons have been giving birth. They were doing it as far back as the 20th century. Caesarian, naturally.
[imitates a baby been born through caesarian]
Rimmer: Still, Listy. You'll be in good hands. The Skutters will look after you.
Lister: Skutters? I wouldn't let them open a can of beans.
The Cat: You're thinking negative. Think of all the glorious and wonderful possibilities about having children.
Lister: Like?
The Cat: Like when they grow up and leave home.
Rimmer: What color is it supposed to turn?
Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the color it's gonna turn.
Rimmer: And red for pregnant?
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Come on, you reds.


"Red Dwarf: Pete: Part 1 (#8.6)" (1999)
The Cat: [on seeing the T-Rex] There's an old cat saying which has particular relevance here. It goes something like this, "We are all gonna die."

Kochanski: [looking at the Time Wand] "Tempus". That's Latin for "time".
The Cat: Latin? I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships!


"Red Dwarf: Camille (#4.1)" (1991)
Mechanoid Camille: [to the crew, especially Kryten] I guess I owe you all an apology.
Kochanski Camille: [to Lister] Sorry, Dave.
Camille: [to Rimmer] Sorry, Duke.
The Cat Camille: [to Cat] Sorry, buddy.
The Cat: Heartbreaker!


"Red Dwarf: Can of Worms (#11.6)" (2016)
Kryten: Ah, sir, that wasn't a woman, it wasn't a Felis sapien, sir, it was a shape-shifter.
Cat: A what?
Lister: It wasn't a cat, wasn't a woman, you just had sex with a genetically engineered insectoid arachnid.
Cat: It still counts!


"Red Dwarf: Future Echoes (#1.2)" (1988)
[the Cat is checking himself out in the mirror]
The Cat: You know, I wish I was someone else. Then I could kiss me.


"Red Dwarf: Blue (#7.5)" (1997)
Kryten: [about Kochanski] And another thing is that she keeps her pants in her sock drawer! Do you know how time-consuming that can be to put it all back?
The Cat: You mean you've seen her pants?


"Red Dwarf: The Inquisitor (#5.2)" (1992)
The Cat: Hi, buddy.
Inquisitor: This is your judgment day, bud. I gotta be cruel. There can't be no favours.
The Cat: I'm hearing you on FM.
Inquisitor: I have to ask you the question. Justify your existence; what contribution have you made?
The Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.
Inquisitor: Well, that's true.
The Cat: Can I go now?
Inquisitor: That's your case?
The Cat: You need more?
Inquisitor: Some might say that was a pretty shallow argument.
The Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy; a shallow guy with a great ass.
Inquisitor: Sometimes you astonish even me.
The Cat: Thank you.


"Red Dwarf: Epideme (#7.7)" (1997)
The Cat: Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell.


"Red Dwarf: Duct Soup (#7.4)" (1997)
Kryten: They always say the hardest part about leaving Cyberspace is realizing that the whole universe does not revolve around you.
Cat: Sure doesn't. It revolves around me!
Kochanski: Absolutely...
Cat: No. I'm serious! Look at the evidence!
Lister: What evidence?
Cat: Take food: until I bite into it, it has no taste. Even when I know what I'm gonna say, it never bores me!
Lister: You, and you alone.
Cat: And here's the kicker, all the interesting things that ever happen to me happened when I was in the room! Coincidence? Get outta here...


"Red Dwarf: Balance of Power (#1.3)" (1988)
Dispensing Machine: Hello. How can I help you?
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is Trout à la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is Trout à la crème, enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is Trout à la crème, enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is Trout à la crème, enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is Trout à la crème, enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Dispensing Machine: Today's fish is Trout à la crème, enjoy your meal.
Cat: I will.


"Red Dwarf: Me² (#1.6)" (1988)
The Cat: [talking through a megaphone] Hello, hello. Testing, testing. One, one, one. Me, me, me. Attention, all lady cats. I am feeling very, very sexy. Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available. Please form a queue. No squabbling. This is your lucky day.