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: [Opening lines; narrating as she writes a letter
] Dear Santa, I'm one of your biggest supporters. You may not remember me, but as a little girl, I wished for three things: World peace, blueberries in the maple syrup and a cheeseburger pie made with sweet potatoes. Well, I got two out of three of those things because after having the best breakfast since the Great Depression, that no-good, two-timing Hitler stole my cottage and looted my collection of diamonds and bedtime stories involving that no-good Cinema Snob telling tales about axe murderers. I took that no-good Hitler by the arm and I made him cut the biggest switch from the oak tree. I piled his bottom so raw he could never give a speech standing up again.
] Fat Grandma
: Where was I? Oh, yeah. Make that no-good Cinema Scrooge review something wholesome for the family. And throw in that mean old Nostalgia McCritic for saying naughty things about my grandson little Matty Broderick. Sincerely and passionately, your luscious red-nosed Christmas warrior, Fat Grandma. PS: You can join me in any of my reindeer games. Santa Christ
: [Reading Fat Grandma's letter
] Ho! Jiminy Christmas! Now that's what I call some Rankin-Sass! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Pardon my blushing, boys and girls but as you know, Santa Christ brings all the ho, ho, ho's to the yard.