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: Gordon Lewis is like a truffle pig sniffing out joy.
: Gordon, what brings you out of the land of the anal to the dirty den of the creative? Gordon Lewis
: Well, I'm very upset. And not just because my husband is on a juice cleanse, so now I have to be. Why can't Timothy get into barbecuing?
: You know what I like about you and Timothy? You've been married since before everyone was gay! Gordon Lewis
: It's like when your favorite band gets popular but I'm sticking with it.
: I have a mind like a steel trap, I remember everything. Simon Roberts
: Except to clip those nostril hairs. It's like staring up at two tiny armpits.
[the staff watches on of Simon's old commercials on You Tube
] Lauren Slotsky
: Wait, I'm confused. She's French, he's British, there's a windmill. What country is this? Simon Roberts
: My dear, it was the '80s, we had not yet begun to ask those difficult questions. Plus when I wrote it, I'd just huffed half a can of the product.
: What is this? Simon Roberts
: That's a bill for the Stan Wood wallpaper account. Gordon Lewis
: Yes, I know it's a bill. How come I've never heard of 'em? Simon Roberts
: Cuz the air's thin up there, you miss a lot of stuff. I've always wondered, are you attracted to the tops of guys' heads? Does Timothy go up on you?
: Son, we have to have some accounts where it's not just about the money. The Stan Woods let you sleep at night. Zach Cropper
: I find an orgasm helps. Simon Roberts
: I used to throw like a fistful of downers into a blender with cough syrup and warm milk. I called it Milk of Amnesia, but then sobriety ruined all that! Now I need nonsense like loyalty and ethics to get through the night.
[Simon plays with his life-sized Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot
] Simon Roberts
: Lauren, can't this thing hit harder? Maybe you can set it to Ike Turner. Andrew Keanelly
: No one remembers him for his songwriting skills.
: [on Australia
] Simon, God knows, if you're hating on something, we want to be right there with you, okay, but they gave us Naomi Watts. Simon Roberts
: Yeah, but they also gave us The Wiggles, which is only enjoyable if you're high. And what kind of message is that for kids?
: I'm ready to pitch them the truth. "Australia: it's so hot not even the Nazis wanted it".
: I've only been to Australia once but it was a doozy. It was my last big bender, when I really hit bottom. I don't remember much. It started off as a drink-about with these rugby players, next thing you know, I woke up in a Speedo on a beach in Perth, being pulled into the bush by an Eastern gray kangaroo. An aboriginal woman fought him off and then I was with her for a while, and... There's more but I don't want to bore you. Andrew Keanelly
: We're not bored!
: They want us to lower our standards! Sydney Roberts
: I once caught you drinking my nail polish remover. Simon Roberts
: I remember.
: I may have been a little rude to him. Lauren Slotsky
: It was the ugliest thing I've ever seen. And I spent a summer interning with Japanese whalers. Simon Roberts
: That's horrible. Lauren Slotsky
: Tell me about it, none of the credits transferred.
: That's a good idea. You go there, you bump into him. Sydney Roberts
: You want me to go crawling back to my obsessed stalker, whom I just left in tears after telling him to get out of my life forever, and ask him to sell us his song? Simon Roberts
: That's a better idea. What I was thinking was way more demeaning.
: I really wanna apologize for what I said. You know, sometimes my emotions get the best of me... Simon Roberts
: It's because of how she was raised. Sydney Roberts
: Dad! Simon Roberts
: I take full responsibility. I married a real bitch who set a poor example.
: Wait, what did we agree to? Simon Roberts
: Well, Danny will give us the song for a reasonable price in exchange for you occasionally blowing him off. Zach Cropper
: Off. Whoo! I thought that was going in another direction.
[the team are freeing the ducklings into a pond
] Simon Roberts
: Andrew, release the Quackens!
: It was like a candy-land Chernobyl.
: [Sydney accidentally hit another car
] Why don't you tell your wife to be more careful? Simon Roberts
: My wife? How dare you! That's my daughter! Although, my second wife was her age, so I withdraw my indignation.
: [Sydney is questioned why she doesn't have a driver's license
] The last time I taught her to drive, I sort of traumatized her.
: [during out take
] Where did you learn that Dukes of Hazard thing? Sydney Roberts
[In a viral video, a talking doll says "Kill mommy"
: This is a disaster for the company. It's worse than the time Barbie said math was hard. Simon Roberts
: Math is the least of her worries. She lives in Malibu, it's always on fire.
: Simon, can I come in? I promise I'm not sick. Simon Roberts
: Oh please, I flatlined three times, dear. The flu is like a flea fart in a hurricane to me.
: I'm a partner now. My name's on the door. Simon Roberts
: Really? I thought that was just my name twice.