Simon Roberts
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Quotes for
Simon Roberts (Character)
from "The Crazy Ones" (2013)

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"The Crazy Ones: The Stan Wood Account (#1.8)" (2013)
Simon Roberts: Gordon Lewis is like a truffle pig sniffing out joy.

Simon Roberts: Gordon, what brings you out of the land of the anal to the dirty den of the creative?
Gordon Lewis: Well, I'm very upset. And not just because my husband is on a juice cleanse, so now I have to be. Why can't Timothy get into barbecuing?

Simon Roberts: You know what I like about you and Timothy? You've been married since before everyone was gay!
Gordon Lewis: It's like when your favorite band gets popular but I'm sticking with it.

Gordon Lewis: I have a mind like a steel trap, I remember everything.
Simon Roberts: Except to clip those nostril hairs. It's like staring up at two tiny armpits.

[the staff watches on of Simon's old commercials on You Tube]
Lauren Slotsky: Wait, I'm confused. She's French, he's British, there's a windmill. What country is this?
Simon Roberts: My dear, it was the '80s, we had not yet begun to ask those difficult questions. Plus when I wrote it, I'd just huffed half a can of the product.

Gordon Lewis: What is this?
Simon Roberts: That's a bill for the Stan Wood wallpaper account.
Gordon Lewis: Yes, I know it's a bill. How come I've never heard of 'em?
Simon Roberts: Cuz the air's thin up there, you miss a lot of stuff. I've always wondered, are you attracted to the tops of guys' heads? Does Timothy go up on you?

Simon Roberts: Son, we have to have some accounts where it's not just about the money. The Stan Woods let you sleep at night.
Zach Cropper: I find an orgasm helps.
Simon Roberts: I used to throw like a fistful of downers into a blender with cough syrup and warm milk. I called it Milk of Amnesia, but then sobriety ruined all that! Now I need nonsense like loyalty and ethics to get through the night.

[Simon plays with his life-sized Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot]
Simon Roberts: Lauren, can't this thing hit harder? Maybe you can set it to Ike Turner.
Andrew Keanelly: No one remembers him for his songwriting skills.


"The Crazy Ones: Sydney, Australia (#1.7)" (2013)
Zach Cropper: [on Australia] Simon, God knows, if you're hating on something, we want to be right there with you, okay, but they gave us Naomi Watts.
Simon Roberts: Yeah, but they also gave us The Wiggles, which is only enjoyable if you're high. And what kind of message is that for kids?

Simon Roberts: I'm ready to pitch them the truth. "Australia: it's so hot not even the Nazis wanted it".

Simon Roberts: I've only been to Australia once but it was a doozy. It was my last big bender, when I really hit bottom. I don't remember much. It started off as a drink-about with these rugby players, next thing you know, I woke up in a Speedo on a beach in Perth, being pulled into the bush by an Eastern gray kangaroo. An aboriginal woman fought him off and then I was with her for a while, and... There's more but I don't want to bore you.
Andrew Keanelly: We're not bored!

Simon Roberts: They want us to lower our standards!
Sydney Roberts: I once caught you drinking my nail polish remover.
Simon Roberts: I remember.

Sydney Roberts: I may have been a little rude to him.
Lauren Slotsky: It was the ugliest thing I've ever seen. And I spent a summer interning with Japanese whalers.
Simon Roberts: That's horrible.
Lauren Slotsky: Tell me about it, none of the credits transferred.

Simon Roberts: That's a good idea. You go there, you bump into him.
Sydney Roberts: You want me to go crawling back to my obsessed stalker, whom I just left in tears after telling him to get out of my life forever, and ask him to sell us his song?
Simon Roberts: That's a better idea. What I was thinking was way more demeaning.

Sydney Roberts: I really wanna apologize for what I said. You know, sometimes my emotions get the best of me...
Simon Roberts: It's because of how she was raised.
Sydney Roberts: Dad!
Simon Roberts: I take full responsibility. I married a real bitch who set a poor example.

Sydney Roberts: Wait, what did we agree to?
Simon Roberts: Well, Danny will give us the song for a reasonable price in exchange for you occasionally blowing him off.
Zach Cropper: Off. Whoo! I thought that was going in another direction.


"The Crazy Ones: Bad Dad (#1.3)" (2013)
[the team are freeing the ducklings into a pond]
Simon Roberts: Andrew, release the Quackens!

Simon Roberts: It was like a candy-land Chernobyl.

Mitch: [Sydney accidentally hit another car] Why don't you tell your wife to be more careful?
Simon Roberts: My wife? How dare you! That's my daughter! Although, my second wife was her age, so I withdraw my indignation.

Simon Roberts: [Sydney is questioned why she doesn't have a driver's license] The last time I taught her to drive, I sort of traumatized her.

Simon Roberts: [during out take] Where did you learn that Dukes of Hazard thing?
Sydney Roberts: Sunnydale.


"The Crazy Ones: Outbreak (#1.13)" (2014)
[In a viral video, a talking doll says "Kill mommy"]
Garrett: This is a disaster for the company. It's worse than the time Barbie said math was hard.
Simon Roberts: Math is the least of her worries. She lives in Malibu, it's always on fire.

Lauren Slotsky: Simon, can I come in? I promise I'm not sick.
Simon Roberts: Oh please, I flatlined three times, dear. The flu is like a flea fart in a hurricane to me.


"The Crazy Ones: Pilot (#1.1)" (2013)
Sydney Roberts: I'm a partner now. My name's on the door.
Simon Roberts: Really? I thought that was just my name twice.