Principal Perry
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Quotes for
Principal Perry (Character)
from "Lab Rats" (2012)

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"Lab Rats: Bionic Rebellion, Part 1 (#4.1)" (2015)
Perry: Not so fast Donny-come-lately. Things around here aren't as peachy as the droid babies say they are.
Leo Dooley: Really? Name one problem, Sargent Short Set.
Perry: Well, for starters they've been littering in the hallways.
Bree Davenport: That was you.
Perry: Making rude gestures to passing coast guard ships.
Adam Davenport: Also you.
Perry: And sneaking extra dessert from the cafeteria.
Chase Davenport: Seriously? You're wearing the evidence.
Perry: No, that was from a different stolen meal.

Perry: Hey, I will not have my employees talk to me like that!
Donald Davenport: YOU WORK FOR ME!
Perry: Keep tellin' yourself that, boss man.

Donald Davenport: And the last time I checked, hoarding feral cats in a winnebago does not count as community service!
Perry: It does if you're dating an animal control officer.

Perry: I have the nasal cavity of a bomb-sniffing dog. Literally. That's what I get for savin' a few bucks on a nose job in New Guinea.

[the missing explosives are found exactly where they should be]
Perry: But it's impossible! They were gone!
Bree Davenport: Yup, and so were the dinosaurs; but, through the magic of cinema, we can see them again.

Perry: Oh, boy. Did I pick the wrong day to eat sardines and milk.

Perry: Someone stole explosives from the weapons area.
Donald Davenport: What?
Adam Davenport: Oh, no worries. All we have to do is wait for someone to explode and, boom, that's our guy.

Donald Davenport: This is bad. This is really really bad.
Perry: Don't worry, Donny. I'm here.
Donald Davenport: I... I know. That's why this is so bad.

Perry: Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey! Fight on your own time - and, preferably, in a large area where I can make a mud pit and charge for admission.

Donald Davenport: Did you just pry open my titanium doors with your bare hands?
Perry: My mother always said I had the strength of a Dutch Belted ox.

Perry: Listen, I know what I saw.
Donald Davenport: Yeah, this coming from a woman to said she saw Yeti standing in line at the bank.
Perry: You don't KNOW. You weren't THERE.

"Lab Rats: Principal from Another Planet (#3.8)" (2014)
Principal Perry: Look, I know what I saw, and when the aliens invade, I'll be safely barricaded in your underground lab.
[Perry scuttles off]
Adam Davenport: Well, on the bright side, a girl actually showed up to Chase's party.

Bree Davenport: Do you have any redeeming qualities?
Principal Perry: Is having violent mood swings considered redeeming? I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!

Principal Perry: [suspecting Chase might have alien babies developing inside him] There's only one way to find out what's going on in there. I'm gonna need two clamps, a roll of paper towels, and a machete.

Principal Perry: I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just gonna split you open and destroy the alien babies INSIDE YOU!

Principal Perry: The aliens are using the lunar eclipse to hide their spaceship and invade Earth!
Adam Davenport: Yeah, I read about this in line at the supermarket. It's true - aliens live among us! Oh, and Ryan Seacrest has a great meatloaf recipe. The secret? Crackers!
Leo Dooley: You see? You see? I told you! WEIRD things were gonna happen tonight. First, Principal Perry sees a spaceship, and then Adam claims to have read something.

Principal Perry: Hey, I know U.F.O.'s. I spent a lot of nights sleepin' alone in the desert - and not just because my family dumped me there and drove off.

Chase Davenport: I was not infected by an alien!
Leo Dooley: How can you be sure. You were gone for fifteen minutes.
Principal Perry: Aha!
Chase Davenport: I was in the bathroom! Should I INVITE you next time?
[Chase's stomach growls]
Principal Perry: Now, I'm tellin' you, it's only a matter of time before his stomach explodes and five eggs pop out - six if he's the queen.

Principal Perry: Hey, I've been around enough truck stops at 3:00 A.M. to know when somethin' weird's goin' on; and, trust me, there's a bunch of E.T.'s living in his little boy guts!

"Lab Rats: Chip Switch (#1.12)" (2012)
Principal Perry: Dooley! What're you doing in my elevator?
Leo: I'm enjoying the music. Today is "Love Songs from the Nineties." Wanna dance?
Principal Perry: Use the stairs! This is exactly how healthy kids become unhealthy adults.
Leo: [looking her over] Really? Are we having this conversation?

Principal Perry: Listen up, space-fillers! This is Emergency Preparedness Week. An emergency drill can happen at any time; SO, when the alarm sounds, you must evacuate the building in an orderly fashion, like cattle - if cattle had acne... and braces... and a future filling up my gas tank.

Principal Perry: [as the elevator goes up] Did you push a button?
Leo: No. You must have bumped it when you shifted your center of gravy... GRAVITY!

Principal Perry: It's times like these I think: Who's gonna feed all my cats? I hope they don't eat Mother. I hope she doesn't THEM!

Principal Perry: Hey, Dooley, I'm sorry for being so hard on you. You're not such a bad kid.
Leo: Thanks. And you... are a tolerable, middle-aged authority figure.
Principal Perry: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Principal Perry: Dooley! WHAT did I tell you about being in an elevator in an emergency?
Leo: That if you get stuck, cats will eat your mom?

Principal Perry: [over an emergency phone] I AM STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR!
Adam: Serves her right for not takin' the stairs.

Principal Perry: The thumb's my favorite. It's the filet mignon of fingers.

"Lab Rats: Spike Fright (#3.18)" (2014)
Principal Perry: What're you lookin' at?
Leo Dooley: You keep asking me that question and I'm still not sure I can give you an honest answer.

Principal Perry: If I wanted to be stared at all day, I'd still be a catalogue model for Burt's Chainsaws.

Principal Perry: Eat the meat, Don!

Principal Perry: I'm not done with you yet.
Donald Davenport: Okay, but for the record, I always liked you. It's the kids that hate your guts.

Principal Perry: Sorry I had to do that with the salad tongs, but you're the one who ran.

Principal Perry: Did you two REALLY think I would brutally dispose of someone and hide the evidence?
Bree Davenport: Yes.
Leo Dooley: Absolutely.
Principal Perry: [moved to tears] Wow. You really GET me.

"Lab Rats: Bob Zombie (#4.16)" (2015)
Bree Davenport: What were you doing in our weapons room?
Perry: Leveling the playing field. You never know when you machine people are gonna turn on us fleshies.

Perry: It's a rebellion! They're trying to take me out so that they can rule Perryland. Well, the only way that's gonna happen is over Dear Leader's dead body!
Leo Dooley: Well, you had a good run.

Perry: I'm not gonna attack them. I'm just gonna give them a gentle warning, a gentle 15,000 volt warning.

Leo Dooley: Hey, what ever happened to your military goon squad?
Perry: When they found out they weren't getting paid, they threatened to quit, so I had to fire on them.
Bree Davenport: You mean "fire" them.
Perry: Nope.

Perry: [sweetly, about her wedding day] I've been dreaming of this since I was a little girl. This is exactly how I pictured it.
Bree Davenport: On an island filled with bionic super humans?
Perry: [snarling] You don't know what I dreamed! You weren't THERE!

Perry: You may have taken my island and my man, but you will never take my laser fist!
[starts randomly blasting the room]
Perry: And this is still EXACTLY how I pictured it!

"Lab Rats: Missin' the Mission (#2.3)" (2013)
Principal Perry: [referring to herself] Do you really wanna poke the bear?
Leo Dooley: Do you really wanna use that analogy?

Principal Perry: I used to be a maximum security prison guard, and I still have the scars from the electric chair to prove it. It was the middle of the night, and I thought it was the can. It happens. D'you wanna see?

Principal Perry: In Dingo detention we have two simple rules: no talking and no cell phones.
Bree Davenport: And, apparently, no mouthwash.
Principal Perry: Jokes on you. I gargle with vinegar.

Leo Dooley: This is serious! This is a matter of life and death!
Principal Perry: You said that same thing when the vending machine ran out of cheese curls.

Bree Davenport: Can I just say that your hair looks great? Uh, who is doing it these days?
Principal Perry: Fernando over at The Wig Connection. He's a genius. It's mostly raccoon.

"Lab Rats: The Jet-Wing (#3.3)" (2014)
Principal Perry: [to Adam] Lurch, come with me. There's something under the bleachers I need dug up and reburied.

Principal Perry: Is he dead?
Chase Davenport: No.
Principal Perry: Am I dead?
Leo Dooley: Unclear but... just to be safe, we should probably proceed with a burial.

[Perry commandeers Bree and Adam for school janitor duty on a Saturday]
Bree Davenport: This isn't fair.
Principal Perry: Yeah, well neither is payin' for twelve donuts when you've only sucked the jelly out of one of 'em.
Adam Davenport: Don't you have janitors to do this stuff for you?
Principal Perry: Yeah, but they're at my house tryin' to make something look like... an accident.

Principal Perry: Don's my cash cow, and I'm not done milking him yet!

"Lab Rats: Mission: Mission Creek High (#3.4)" (2014)
Principal Perry: So, you guys are bionic. How's that work? Can you recharge my cell phones? Do you have vacuum attachments? Can you turn into wolves?
Adam Davenport: Not yet, but I did put that in the suggestion box.

Principal Perry: My own lunch ladies! How could you betray me? And I taught you how to recycle substandard meat!

Principal Perry: Where's my uniform?
Adam Davenport: Uhh... you don't get one. The tailor says science hasn't caught up to that yet.

Principal Perry: [once again lead into the control room blindfolded] So it's an actual mission this time?
Chase Davenport: [sarcastically] No, we're going on a pancake run.

"Lab Rats: Not So Smart Phone (#3.6)" (2014)
Principal Perry: [sudden realization] None of this junk will make me happy. What really matters in life is... treating people poorly for my own amusement - and nothing makes me feel more complete than doing it to you twerps. Mmm.
Bree Davenport: What a wonderful life lesson.
Principal Perry: Yeah. Guess I'm not gonna retire after all. It's back to my original plan of working till I drop and then getting stuffed and mounted over the gym door.
Leo Dooley: You know what's weird? I kinda wanna see that.

Principal Perry: If cooking your dinner in the same vat of water you bathe in is inappropriate, then I don't wanna be "appropriate!"

Principal Perry: Morning, sewer sacks!

Principal Perry: If I cared about shaping our youth, I'd still be teaching swim lessons down at the swamp. Hey, a kid sees a gator comin', he'll swim!

"Lab Rats: Ultimate Tailgate Challenge (#4.21)" (2015)
Donald Davenport: You went to Mission Creek Tech?
Perry: Best twelve years of my life. And, I was on the football team.
Bree Davenport: No way. They let girls play back then?
Perry: Nope. Had to grow a mustache and say I was Tom from Ohio.

Tasha Davenport: You just said you didn't like me.
Perry: [shouting] I've grown as a person since then! Come 'ere!
[Perry grabs Tasha, who squeals]
Perry: Don't fight it. Like me back.

Bree Davenport: You know, if you don't think about how it was cooked, the chicken is actually quite tasty.
Perry: Oh, I ran out of chicken. That's falcon.

Leo Dooley: I'm done.
Perry: But you haven't even tried my sausages yet.
Leo Dooley: You cooked them in the tailpipe?
Perry: You call it a tailpipe, I call it a smoker. Anytime I see hot air comin' outta somethin', the first thing I think is "How can I put meat in there."
Donald Davenport: And to think you're still single.

"Lab Rats: Space Colony (#4.23)" (2016)
Perry: I find the violent rumble of rocket engines to be soothing, plus the fumes knock me out cold.

Adam Davenport: Okay, we lost Chase in space.
Perry: Score!

Perry: Hey, I don't lie, but when you get fired from as many jobs as I do, you gotta take whatever you can get.
Adam Davenport: Why'd you get fired so much?
Perry: For lying.

Perry: Ah, you look like you could use a hug. Whoa! I never said you were gettin' one from me.

"Lab Rats: You Posted What? Part 1 (#3.13)" (2014)
Principal Perry: My gravy train just ran right off the tracks!

Leo Dooley: Principal Perry? What are you doing in Bree's locker?
Principal Perry: [obviously lying] Certainly not stealing stuff to sell on my bionic souvenir shop!

Leo Dooley: Special agents took over the house and have Adam, Bree and Chase in custody.
Principal Perry: Put a sock in it! Momma's tryin' to get her groove back!

Principal Perry: Be back in a flash, my little love troll.

"Lab Rats: No Going Back (#2.26)" (2014)
Principal Perry: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna sort through your lose change and have a little heart-to-heart with the vending machine.

Principal Perry: No one knows their way around a claw hammer better than I do.
Chase Davenport: I do not doubt that.

Principal Perry: You don't run a women's correctional facility without learning how to scale a few walls.

Principal Perry: [to Chase] What're you hidin', Little Bo Peep?
Bree Davenport: Um... he... he's not hiding anything.
Adam Davenport: Well, he does have an usually large birth mark on his left hip. You stare at it long enough and it kinda looks like Justin Bieber.

"Lab Rats: Perry 2.0 (#2.21)" (2013)
Principal Perry: I'm gonna buy us matching bikinis.
Leo Dooley: And I'm gonna gouge my eyes out.

Principal Perry: You are a genius.
Donald Davenport: And you are a master of the obvious.

Principal Perry: Fear. It's fear. And it's everywhere. It's the best smell in the world.
Donald Davenport: I prefer crisply-minted hundreds, but whatever floats your boat, Perry Bomb.

Principal Perry: Morning, germ sacks!

"Lab Rats: Under Siege (#4.4)" (2015)
Perry: What is all the yelling about? I didn't even have time to put my face on.
Leo Dooley: Wait. That thing's removable?

[Perry tackles and pins an intruder. but it turns out to be Douglas]
Douglas Davenport: It's me! Douglas!
Perry: Oh. Well, I'm still not gettin' up.

Perry: You remember my sweet niece Kerry?
Bree Davenport: No, but would your evil niece Kerry like to introduce her to us?

[Perry notices the bionic teens in their capsules]
Perry: Huh. When the dolls are sleeping, they almost look human.

"Lab Rats: My Little Brother (#2.22)" (2013)
Principal Perry: All these smiling faces... I haven't seen this many teeth since I kept dental records at the morgue.

Principal Perry: Sorry. I couldn't hear you with all that freedom on your face.

Principal Perry: Morning, oxygen hogs!

"Lab Rats: Mission Invisible (#1.18)" (2012)
[Principal Perry is searching students for banned items]
Bree: [pointedly while presenting her backpack] You're not gonna want anything in here. It's just stuff that improves your hygiene and appearance.
Principal Perry: Mocking my porcelain Irish skin? Back of the line, princess.

Principal Perry: Don't you wish kids had a return policy?

Adam: [bursting onto the principal's office] Bree, what is taking so long... ah, I mean - oops! - this isn't the men's room.
Principal Perry: Why would I be sitting in the men's room?
Chase Davenport: Because anything else would be unladylike.

"Lab Rats: Twas the Mission Before Christmas (#2.24)" (2013)
Principal Perry: Sorry to bother you, but I ran into some car trouble while doing one of my favorite yuletide traditions.
Tasha Davenport: Oh, were you driving around looking at Christmas lights?
Principal Perry: No. I was tearing though puddles trying to splash carolers.

Principal Perry: I'm stuck. I popped a tire and I can't get any cell phone service up here on Rich Man Mountain.
Donald Davenport: Uh, we like to call it Billionaire Butte, actually.

Leo Dooley: What are YOU doing?
Principal Perry: What's it look like? I'm making dinner.
Adam Davenport: We've had enough of this! GET OUT!

"Lab Rats: Brother Battle (#3.17)" (2014)
Principal Perry: Ooo, I've been banned from a lot of places - movie theaters, churches, Detroit - and if the great state of Michigan can't keep me out, what chance do you have?
Scott: Fine. How can I help you - in a way that'll make you leave as soon as possible?

Principal Perry: What're you doin' here, Dooley? Shouldn't you be at home disappointing your parents?
Leo Dooley: Shouldn't you be at the food court, stealing other people's lunches?

Principal Perry: Perhaps we haven't met. Terry Perry, professional dream-crusher.

"Lab Rats: Rise of the Secret Soldiers, Part 1 (#3.21)" (2015)
Principal Perry: What's up, "Clooney?"

Principal Perry: Once Adam, Bree and Chase became famous, I made a fortune auctioning off their bionic belongings on-line, but then I ran out, and now I have to restock.

Principal Perry: Attention, unwashed masses! Remove yourself from the premises! Don't make me get my crossbow!

"Lab Rats: The Curse of the Screaming Skull (#4.18)" (2015)
Perry: Rashes don't bother me. I'm rarely without one.

Perry: Yeah, well, the only voices I listen to are the three inside my head.

Douglas Davenport: It's not a curse. Chase has a virus that I created during my evil days. It turns people psychotic and makes 'em want to annihilate everyone.
Leo Dooley: Why would you EVER create such a thing!
Douglas Davenport: I was going through a rough patch and wanted to watch societies destroy each other.
Perry: [adoringly] Can you say ANYTHING wrong?

"Lab Rats: Spike's Got Talent (#2.9)" (2013)
Principal Perry: Well, there's a fine line between entertaining and disturbing and... I think we've crossed it.

Principal Perry: How DARE you destroy the Mona Lisa that was my popcorn bust!

Principal Perry: Back when I was in the Tijuana Ladies Wrestling League, they called me La Rosa Bonita!

"Lab Rats: Llama Drama (#2.19)" (2013)
Principal Perry: Every year before the big homecoming game against the Deerfield High Leapin' Llamas, some punk manages to steal Dewey. No matter where I put it, they always find a way to get it.
Chase Davenport: Maybe YOU should try wearing it. That'll keep people away.

Principal Perry: Better grab my lasso. Worked a couple rodeos during college. Nobody could stay on me for more than three seconds.

Principal Perry: All right! Anybody who doesn't want to end up face-down and hogtied, outta my way!

"Lab Rats: Cyborg Shark Attack (#3.12)" (2014)
Principal Perry: When I get interviewed I get nervous, and when I get nervous I start making up lies. I can't help it. It's a medical condition. See? I just did it right there.

Donald Davenport: I'll do it, but this blackmailing thing is getting old.
Principal Perry: So's this marriage. Now, shut your yap and get in the car.

Principal Perry: What're you wearing? It's a country club, not a funeral.
Donald Davenport: Yeah, it's not a bagpipe player convention either.
Principal Perry: [clenching a fist] How'd you like me to pipe YOUR bag?

"Lab Rats: Death Spiral Smackdown (#1.9)" (2012)
Adam Davenport: Sorry I'm late, Principal Perry. SOMEBODY locked me in my cap... bedroom, but I just had a gigantic bowl of my favorite cereal, so now I'm ready to compete, crush and destroy.
Principal Perry: THAT'S the Dingo spirit! Bring on the pain!
Adam Davenport: Whoo!
Leo Dooley: [facing Adam in the final fight competition] But wait. No. We're like brothers.
Adam Davenport: Oh, good point. Um... well, then, I guess I will crush and destroy you as gently as possible while still crushing and destroying you.

Principal Perry: Life was so much more gratifying when I was a prison guard.

Principal Perry: Let's go! I'm payin' these paramedics by the hour! Break something already!

"Lab Rats: Human Eddy (#4.17)" (2015)
Human Eddy: Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with these kids, Terry. There's not enough of 'em.
Perry: You're new here, so I'm gonna let that one go.

Perry: You're right, Dooley! That dashing robo-hippy is tryin' to snake my gig! I gotta go sharpen my big toe and go get 'im!

Human Eddy: Oh, Terry, I could never fill YOUR shoes. Mostly because I don't fit into a size gnome.
Perry: What'd you say to me?
Human Eddy: I said why don't you go back to your mushroom house and leave me alone!

"Lab Rats: Trent Gets Schooled (#2.25)" (2014)
Principal Perry: Greetings, puke puddles!

Principal Perry: Trent passed and finally graduated. He's no longer a student at Mission Creek High.
Leo Dooley, Chase Davenport: [together] Yes!
Leo Dooley: He's society's problem now!

"Lab Rats: The Bionic 500 (#2.13)" (2013)
Principal Perry: Hey, Logano, rich guy, get your sassy chassis over here and let's talk some track.

Principal Perry: I moonlight as an announce-slash-flag-waver-slash-hot-rod-calendar-girl. Ooo! No one sells lug nuts like me.

"Lab Rats: Space Elevator (#4.11)" (2015)
Bree Davenport: We don't kill people.

Bree Davenport: Very impressive. How'd you do that so quickly?
Perry: Easy. I just told him a few Perry war stories.
Adam Davenport: Like what?
Perry: That's between me and that scarred-for-life little boy.

"Lab Rats: Bionic Rebellion, Part 2 (#4.2)" (2015)
Donald Davenport: If I had a way to splice these wires, I could build a transmitter and call for help.
Perry: And if I had hard-boiled eggs and mayo, I could make egg salad - but I only have the mayo.

Perry: Look! It's the mechanical people!

"Lab Rats: Sink or Swim Part 1 (#3.1)" (2014)
Principal Perry: Keeping a bionic secret really takes it out of a gal.
Donald Davenport: And here I thought you were just winded from walking up the driveway.

Tasha Davenport: Oh, you've come to keep me company till Donald and Leo get back?
Principal Perry: No. I've got a little flea problem, so I'm crashing here tonight.
Tasha Davenport: Your cats have fleas?
Principal Perry: No. I do. I'm crashing here so I don't give 'em to the cats!
Tasha Davenport: How thoughtful.

"Lab Rats: Hole in One (#2.11)" (2013)
Principal Perry: Hey! School's over. Go home and make your PARENTS miserable.

Principal Perry: I know this may come as a shock, but being a principal isn't as glamorous as I make it look.

"Lab Rats: The Haunting of Mission Creek High (#2.20)" (2013)
Principal Perry: Sorry about the crumbs in the pockets. I'm a girl who likes her crackers.

Principal Perry: Attention, dandruff donkeys! Tomorrow is the homecoming dance and, if you don't have a date now, keep askin'. I love watching rejection!
Bree Davenport: How many dances have you been to?
Principal Perry: We're not goin' there, stick-pop!

"Lab Rats: Spy Fly (#2.2)" (2013)
Principal Perry: I haven't seen this many flies since I thought my cat took a five-day nap.

"Lab Rats: Bro Down (#2.6)" (2013)
Principal Perry: An old deli accident left me immune to salmonella.

"Lab Rats: Unauthorized Mission (#3.26)" (2015)
Principal Perry: Anyhoo, a little birdie told me your robot school is looking for an administrator.
Donald Davenport: Yeah, we're not, but, uh, tell you what - leave your resume and we'll call ya if we LOSE OUR MINDS.

"Lab Rats: You Posted What?! Part 2 (#3.14)" (2014)
Principal Perry: I once lifted a car off a guy's leg. It was the least I could do since I ran him over.

"Lab Rats: Commando App (#1.3)" (2012)
Principal Perry: Seven seconds left. Now remember, kids, there's no shame in losing. Oh, wait! Yes, there is! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Game on!

"Lab Rats: Face Off (#3.19)" (2014)
Bree Davenport, Principal Perry: [cyber-disguised as Perry: Bree's voice, Perry's looks] Because of your stupid mask, I'm about to lose the one guy who's not intimidated by me. Go to the dance and stall him until I can figure out how to switch this off!
Chase Davenport, Bree Davenport: [cyber-disguised as Bree: his voice, her looks] No way.
Bree Davenport, Principal Perry: I am a teenage girl trapped inside Perry's body. Do you REALLY wanna see what happens when those two mix?
Chase Davenport, Bree Davenport: Fine, but that is no way to treat someone pretending to be a lady.

"Lab Rats: Parallel Universe (#2.8)" (2013)
Principal Perry: Does my little schnookie need a cookie?
Leo Dooley: I suppose your little schnookie could take a lookie at a cookie.

"Lab Rats: Adam Up (#2.18)" (2013)
Chase Davenport: [to Bree, Adam and Leo with Principal Perry at the front door] Let's just pretend we're not here.
Principal Perry: I heard that. You don't think my parents tried that on me at Christmas?