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: Not so fast Donny-come-lately. Things around here aren't as peachy as the droid babies say they are. Leo Dooley
: Really? Name one problem, Sargent Short Set. Perry
: Well, for starters they've been littering in the hallways. Bree Davenport
: That was you. Perry
: Making rude gestures to passing coast guard ships. Adam Davenport
: Also you. Perry
: And sneaking extra dessert from the cafeteria. Chase Davenport
: Seriously? You're wearing the evidence. Perry
: No, that was from a different stolen meal.
: Hey, I will not have my employees talk to me like that! Donald Davenport
: YOU WORK FOR ME! Perry
: Keep tellin' yourself that, boss man.
: And the last time I checked, hoarding feral cats in a winnebago does not count as community service! Perry
: It does if you're dating an animal control officer.
: I have the nasal cavity of a bomb-sniffing dog. Literally. That's what I get for savin' a few bucks on a nose job in New Guinea.
[the missing explosives are found exactly where they should be
: But it's impossible! They were gone! Bree Davenport
: Yup, and so were the dinosaurs; but, through the magic of cinema, we can see them again.
: Oh, boy. Did I pick the wrong day to eat sardines and milk.
: Someone stole explosives from the weapons area. Donald Davenport
: What? Adam Davenport
: Oh, no worries. All we have to do is wait for someone to explode and, boom, that's our guy.
: This is bad. This is really really bad. Perry
: Don't worry, Donny. I'm here. Donald Davenport
: I... I know. That's why this is so bad.
: Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey! Fight on your own time - and, preferably, in a large area where I can make a mud pit and charge for admission.
: Did you just pry open my titanium doors with your bare hands? Perry
: My mother always said I had the strength of a Dutch Belted ox.
: Listen, I know what I saw. Donald Davenport
: Yeah, this coming from a woman to said she saw Yeti standing in line at the bank. Perry
: You don't KNOW. You weren't THERE.
: Look, I know what I saw, and when the aliens invade, I'll be safely barricaded in your underground lab.
[Perry scuttles off
] Adam Davenport
: Well, on the bright side, a girl actually showed up to Chase's party.
: Do you have any redeeming qualities? Principal Perry
: Is having violent mood swings considered redeeming? I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!
: [suspecting Chase might have alien babies developing inside him
] There's only one way to find out what's going on in there. I'm gonna need two clamps, a roll of paper towels, and a machete.
: I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just gonna split you open and destroy the alien babies INSIDE YOU!
: The aliens are using the lunar eclipse to hide their spaceship and invade Earth! Adam Davenport
: Yeah, I read about this in line at the supermarket. It's true - aliens live among us! Oh, and Ryan Seacrest has a great meatloaf recipe. The secret? Crackers! Leo Dooley
: You see? You see? I told you! WEIRD things were gonna happen tonight. First, Principal Perry sees a spaceship, and then Adam claims to have read something.
: Hey, I know U.F.O.'s. I spent a lot of nights sleepin' alone in the desert - and not just because my family dumped me there and drove off.
: I was not infected by an alien! Leo Dooley
: How can you be sure. You were gone for fifteen minutes. Principal Perry
: Aha! Chase Davenport
: I was in the bathroom! Should I INVITE you next time?
[Chase's stomach growls
] Principal Perry
: Now, I'm tellin' you, it's only a matter of time before his stomach explodes and five eggs pop out - six if he's the queen.
: Hey, I've been around enough truck stops at 3:00 A.M. to know when somethin' weird's goin' on; and, trust me, there's a bunch of E.T.'s living in his little boy guts!
: Dooley! What're you doing in my elevator? Leo
: I'm enjoying the music. Today is "Love Songs from the Nineties." Wanna dance? Principal Perry
: Use the stairs! This is exactly how healthy kids become unhealthy adults. Leo
: [looking her over
] Really? Are we having this conversation?
: Listen up, space-fillers! This is Emergency Preparedness Week. An emergency drill can happen at any time; SO, when the alarm sounds, you must evacuate the building in an orderly fashion, like cattle - if cattle had acne... and braces... and a future filling up my gas tank.
: [as the elevator goes up
] Did you push a button? Leo
: No. You must have bumped it when you shifted your center of gravy... GRAVITY!
: It's times like these I think: Who's gonna feed all my cats? I hope they don't eat Mother. I hope she doesn't THEM!
: Hey, Dooley, I'm sorry for being so hard on you. You're not such a bad kid. Leo
: Thanks. And you... are a tolerable, middle-aged authority figure. Principal Perry
: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
: Dooley! WHAT did I tell you about being in an elevator in an emergency? Leo
: That if you get stuck, cats will eat your mom?
: [over an emergency phone
] I AM STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR! Adam
: Serves her right for not takin' the stairs.
: The thumb's my favorite. It's the filet mignon of fingers.
: What're you lookin' at? Leo Dooley
: You keep asking me that question and I'm still not sure I can give you an honest answer.
: If I wanted to be stared at all day, I'd still be a catalogue model for Burt's Chainsaws.
: Eat the meat, Don!
: I'm not done with you yet. Donald Davenport
: Okay, but for the record, I always liked you. It's the kids that hate your guts.
: Sorry I had to do that with the salad tongs, but you're the one who ran.
: Did you two REALLY think I would brutally dispose of someone and hide the evidence? Bree Davenport
: Yes. Leo Dooley
: Absolutely. Principal Perry
: [moved to tears
] Wow. You really GET me.
: What were you doing in our weapons room? Perry
: Leveling the playing field. You never know when you machine people are gonna turn on us fleshies.
: It's a rebellion! They're trying to take me out so that they can rule Perryland. Well, the only way that's gonna happen is over Dear Leader's dead body! Leo Dooley
: Well, you had a good run.
: I'm not gonna attack them. I'm just gonna give them a gentle warning, a gentle 15,000 volt warning.
: Hey, what ever happened to your military goon squad? Perry
: When they found out they weren't getting paid, they threatened to quit, so I had to fire on them. Bree Davenport
: You mean "fire" them. Perry
: [sweetly, about her wedding day
] I've been dreaming of this since I was a little girl. This is exactly how I pictured it. Bree Davenport
: On an island filled with bionic super humans? Perry
] You don't know what I dreamed! You weren't THERE!
: You may have taken my island and my man, but you will never take my laser fist!
[starts randomly blasting the room
: And this is still EXACTLY how I pictured it!
: [referring to herself
] Do you really wanna poke the bear? Leo Dooley
: Do you really wanna use that analogy?
: I used to be a maximum security prison guard, and I still have the scars from the electric chair to prove it. It was the middle of the night, and I thought it was the can. It happens. D'you wanna see?
: In Dingo detention we have two simple rules: no talking and no cell phones. Bree Davenport
: And, apparently, no mouthwash. Principal Perry
: Jokes on you. I gargle with vinegar.
: This is serious! This is a matter of life and death! Principal Perry
: You said that same thing when the vending machine ran out of cheese curls.
: Can I just say that your hair looks great? Uh, who is doing it these days? Principal Perry
: Fernando over at The Wig Connection. He's a genius. It's mostly raccoon.
: [to Adam
] Lurch, come with me. There's something under the bleachers I need dug up and reburied.
: Is he dead? Chase Davenport
: No. Principal Perry
: Am I dead? Leo Dooley
: Unclear but... just to be safe, we should probably proceed with a burial.
[Perry commandeers Bree and Adam for school janitor duty on a Saturday
] Bree Davenport
: This isn't fair. Principal Perry
: Yeah, well neither is payin' for twelve donuts when you've only sucked the jelly out of one of 'em. Adam Davenport
: Don't you have janitors to do this stuff for you? Principal Perry
: Yeah, but they're at my house tryin' to make something look like... an accident.
: Don's my cash cow, and I'm not done milking him yet!
: So, you guys are bionic. How's that work? Can you recharge my cell phones? Do you have vacuum attachments? Can you turn into wolves? Adam Davenport
: Not yet, but I did put that in the suggestion box.
: My own lunch ladies! How could you betray me? And I taught you how to recycle substandard meat!
: Where's my uniform? Adam Davenport
: Uhh... you don't get one. The tailor says science hasn't caught up to that yet.
: [once again lead into the control room blindfolded
] So it's an actual mission this time? Chase Davenport
] No, we're going on a pancake run.
: [sudden realization
] None of this junk will make me happy. What really matters in life is... treating people poorly for my own amusement - and nothing makes me feel more complete than doing it to you twerps. Mmm. Bree Davenport
: What a wonderful life lesson. Principal Perry
: Yeah. Guess I'm not gonna retire after all. It's back to my original plan of working till I drop and then getting stuffed and mounted over the gym door. Leo Dooley
: You know what's weird? I kinda wanna see that.
: If cooking your dinner in the same vat of water you bathe in is inappropriate, then I don't wanna be "appropriate!"
: Morning, sewer sacks!
: If I cared about shaping our youth, I'd still be teaching swim lessons down at the swamp. Hey, a kid sees a gator comin', he'll swim!
: You went to Mission Creek Tech? Perry
: Best twelve years of my life. And, I was on the football team. Bree Davenport
: No way. They let girls play back then? Perry
: Nope. Had to grow a mustache and say I was Tom from Ohio.
: You just said you didn't like me. Perry
] I've grown as a person since then! Come 'ere!
[Perry grabs Tasha, who squeals
: Don't fight it. Like me back.
: You know, if you don't think about how it was cooked, the chicken is actually quite tasty. Perry
: Oh, I ran out of chicken. That's falcon.
: I'm done. Perry
: But you haven't even tried my sausages yet. Leo Dooley
: You cooked them in the tailpipe? Perry
: You call it a tailpipe, I call it a smoker. Anytime I see hot air comin' outta somethin', the first thing I think is "How can I put meat in there." Donald Davenport
: And to think you're still single.
: I find the violent rumble of rocket engines to be soothing, plus the fumes knock me out cold.
: Okay, we lost Chase in space. Perry
: Hey, I don't lie, but when you get fired from as many jobs as I do, you gotta take whatever you can get. Adam Davenport
: Why'd you get fired so much? Perry
: For lying.
: Ah, you look like you could use a hug. Whoa! I never said you were gettin' one from me.
: My gravy train just ran right off the tracks!
: Principal Perry? What are you doing in Bree's locker? Principal Perry
: [obviously lying
] Certainly not stealing stuff to sell on my bionic souvenir shop!
: Special agents took over the house and have Adam, Bree and Chase in custody. Principal Perry
: Put a sock in it! Momma's tryin' to get her groove back!
: Be back in a flash, my little love troll.
: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna sort through your lose change and have a little heart-to-heart with the vending machine.
: No one knows their way around a claw hammer better than I do. Chase Davenport
: I do not doubt that.
: You don't run a women's correctional facility without learning how to scale a few walls.
: [to Chase
] What're you hidin', Little Bo Peep? Bree Davenport
: Um... he... he's not hiding anything. Adam Davenport
: Well, he does have an usually large birth mark on his left hip. You stare at it long enough and it kinda looks like Justin Bieber.
: I'm gonna buy us matching bikinis. Leo Dooley
: And I'm gonna gouge my eyes out.
: You are a genius. Donald Davenport
: And you are a master of the obvious.
: Fear. It's fear. And it's everywhere. It's the best smell in the world. Donald Davenport
: I prefer crisply-minted hundreds, but whatever floats your boat, Perry Bomb.
: Morning, germ sacks!
: What is all the yelling about? I didn't even have time to put my face on. Leo Dooley
: Wait. That thing's removable?
[Perry tackles and pins an intruder. but it turns out to be Douglas
] Douglas Davenport
: It's me! Douglas! Perry
: Oh. Well, I'm still not gettin' up.
: You remember my sweet niece Kerry? Bree Davenport
: No, but would your evil niece Kerry like to introduce her to us?
[Perry notices the bionic teens in their capsules
: Huh. When the dolls are sleeping, they almost look human.
: All these smiling faces... I haven't seen this many teeth since I kept dental records at the morgue.
: Sorry. I couldn't hear you with all that freedom on your face.
: Morning, oxygen hogs!
[Principal Perry is searching students for banned items
: [pointedly while presenting her backpack
] You're not gonna want anything in here. It's just stuff that improves your hygiene and appearance. Principal Perry
: Mocking my porcelain Irish skin? Back of the line, princess.
: Don't you wish kids had a return policy?
: [bursting onto the principal's office
] Bree, what is taking so long... ah, I mean - oops! - this isn't the men's room. Principal Perry
: Why would I be sitting in the men's room? Chase Davenport
: Because anything else would be unladylike.
: Sorry to bother you, but I ran into some car trouble while doing one of my favorite yuletide traditions. Tasha Davenport
: Oh, were you driving around looking at Christmas lights? Principal Perry
: No. I was tearing though puddles trying to splash carolers.
: I'm stuck. I popped a tire and I can't get any cell phone service up here on Rich Man Mountain. Donald Davenport
: Uh, we like to call it Billionaire Butte, actually.
: What are YOU doing? Principal Perry
: What's it look like? I'm making dinner. Adam Davenport
: We've had enough of this! GET OUT!
: Ooo, I've been banned from a lot of places - movie theaters, churches, Detroit - and if the great state of Michigan can't keep me out, what chance do you have? Scott
: Fine. How can I help you - in a way that'll make you leave as soon as possible?
: What're you doin' here, Dooley? Shouldn't you be at home disappointing your parents? Leo Dooley
: Shouldn't you be at the food court, stealing other people's lunches?
: Perhaps we haven't met. Terry Perry, professional dream-crusher.
: What's up, "Clooney?"
: Once Adam, Bree and Chase became famous, I made a fortune auctioning off their bionic belongings on-line, but then I ran out, and now I have to restock.
: Attention, unwashed masses! Remove yourself from the premises! Don't make me get my crossbow!
: Rashes don't bother me. I'm rarely without one.
: Yeah, well, the only voices I listen to are the three inside my head.
: It's not a curse. Chase has a virus that I created during my evil days. It turns people psychotic and makes 'em want to annihilate everyone. Leo Dooley
: Why would you EVER create such a thing! Douglas Davenport
: I was going through a rough patch and wanted to watch societies destroy each other. Perry
] Can you say ANYTHING wrong?
: Well, there's a fine line between entertaining and disturbing and... I think we've crossed it.
: How DARE you destroy the Mona Lisa that was my popcorn bust!
: Back when I was in the Tijuana Ladies Wrestling League, they called me La Rosa Bonita!
: Every year before the big homecoming game against the Deerfield High Leapin' Llamas, some punk manages to steal Dewey. No matter where I put it, they always find a way to get it. Chase Davenport
: Maybe YOU should try wearing it. That'll keep people away.
: Better grab my lasso. Worked a couple rodeos during college. Nobody could stay on me for more than three seconds.
: All right! Anybody who doesn't want to end up face-down and hogtied, outta my way!
: When I get interviewed I get nervous, and when I get nervous I start making up lies. I can't help it. It's a medical condition. See? I just did it right there.
: I'll do it, but this blackmailing thing is getting old. Principal Perry
: So's this marriage. Now, shut your yap and get in the car.
: What're you wearing? It's a country club, not a funeral. Donald Davenport
: Yeah, it's not a bagpipe player convention either. Principal Perry
: [clenching a fist
] How'd you like me to pipe YOUR bag?
: Sorry I'm late, Principal Perry. SOMEBODY locked me in my cap... bedroom, but I just had a gigantic bowl of my favorite cereal, so now I'm ready to compete, crush and destroy. Principal Perry
: THAT'S the Dingo spirit! Bring on the pain! Adam Davenport
: Whoo! Leo Dooley
: [facing Adam in the final fight competition
] But wait. No. We're like brothers. Adam Davenport
: Oh, good point. Um... well, then, I guess I will crush and destroy you as gently as possible while still crushing and destroying you.
: Life was so much more gratifying when I was a prison guard.
: Let's go! I'm payin' these paramedics by the hour! Break something already!
: Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with these kids, Terry. There's not enough of 'em. Perry
: You're new here, so I'm gonna let that one go.
: You're right, Dooley! That dashing robo-hippy is tryin' to snake my gig! I gotta go sharpen my big toe and go get 'im!
: Oh, Terry, I could never fill YOUR shoes. Mostly because I don't fit into a size gnome. Perry
: What'd you say to me? Human Eddy
: I said why don't you go back to your mushroom house and leave me alone!
: Greetings, puke puddles!
: Trent passed and finally graduated. He's no longer a student at Mission Creek High. Leo Dooley
, Chase Davenport
] Yes! Leo Dooley
: He's society's problem now!
: Hey, Logano, rich guy, get your sassy chassis over here and let's talk some track.
: I moonlight as an announce-slash-flag-waver-slash-hot-rod-calendar-girl. Ooo! No one sells lug nuts like me.
: We don't kill people. Perry
: NOT WITHOUT MY ORDERS YOU DON'T!
: Very impressive. How'd you do that so quickly? Perry
: Easy. I just told him a few Perry war stories. Adam Davenport
: Like what? Perry
: That's between me and that scarred-for-life little boy.
: If I had a way to splice these wires, I could build a transmitter and call for help. Perry
: And if I had hard-boiled eggs and mayo, I could make egg salad - but I only have the mayo.
: Look! It's the mechanical people!
: Keeping a bionic secret really takes it out of a gal. Donald Davenport
: And here I thought you were just winded from walking up the driveway.
: Oh, you've come to keep me company till Donald and Leo get back? Principal Perry
: No. I've got a little flea problem, so I'm crashing here tonight. Tasha Davenport
: Your cats have fleas? Principal Perry
: No. I do. I'm crashing here so I don't give 'em to the cats! Tasha Davenport
: How thoughtful.
: Hey! School's over. Go home and make your PARENTS miserable.
: I know this may come as a shock, but being a principal isn't as glamorous as I make it look.
: Sorry about the crumbs in the pockets. I'm a girl who likes her crackers.
: Attention, dandruff donkeys! Tomorrow is the homecoming dance and, if you don't have a date now, keep askin'. I love watching rejection! Bree Davenport
: How many dances have you been to? Principal Perry
: We're not goin' there, stick-pop!
: I haven't seen this many flies since I thought my cat took a five-day nap.
: An old deli accident left me immune to salmonella.
: Anyhoo, a little birdie told me your robot school is looking for an administrator. Donald Davenport
: Yeah, we're not, but, uh, tell you what - leave your resume and we'll call ya if we LOSE OUR MINDS.
: I once lifted a car off a guy's leg. It was the least I could do since I ran him over.
: Seven seconds left. Now remember, kids, there's no shame in losing. Oh, wait! Yes, there is! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Game on!
, Principal Perry
: [cyber-disguised as Perry: Bree's voice, Perry's looks
] Because of your stupid mask, I'm about to lose the one guy who's not intimidated by me. Go to the dance and stall him until I can figure out how to switch this off! Chase Davenport
, Bree Davenport
: [cyber-disguised as Bree: his voice, her looks
] No way. Bree Davenport
, Principal Perry
: I am a teenage girl trapped inside Perry's body. Do you REALLY wanna see what happens when those two mix? Chase Davenport
, Bree Davenport
: Fine, but that is no way to treat someone pretending to be a lady.
: Does my little schnookie need a cookie? Leo Dooley
: I suppose your little schnookie could take a lookie at a cookie.
: [to Bree, Adam and Leo with Principal Perry at the front door
] Let's just pretend we're not here. Principal Perry
: I heard that. You don't think my parents tried that on me at Christmas?