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Quotes for
Cinema Snob (Character)
from "Atop the Fourth Wall" (2008)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Cinema Snob: Return to Sleepaway Camp (#7.3)" (2013)
Alan: Everybody keeps picking on me 'cause I'm different.
Cinema Snob: No, they're picking on you because you're a fucking asshole.

Cinema Snob: Are you upset that your friend Weed died or are you upset that he's the one who had all the weed?

Alan: You all suck! I hope you die!
Cinema Snob: Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you.

Alan: [to a group of frogs] You're my friends. You don't care if I was sick once. They like me anyway.
Cinema Snob: No, they don't like you. In fact, they're probably praying that they were in a Ruggero Deodato film.

Cinema Snob: That was about as tense as a bowl of shredded wheat.

Cinema Snob: Fucking Alan isn't even pleasing to the eye. He looks like a paint can that was shook up too much by a lousy painter, who then fucked it. Add one giant crooked tooth down the middle of his face, and we've got the words "bitter virgin" in human form. If that wasn't awkward enough, they actually make him flirt with someone.

Petey: T.C. was picking on Alan again.
Cinema Snob: Because Alan's an asshole!

Cinema Snob: Weed? His name is Weed? Well I was fucking close. I can't wait to see the camp slut, who's probably named Whore.

Cinema Snob: For some reason that leads to Alan's new nickname
["Blow Job"]
Cinema Snob: That name doesn't even make sense. His initials aren't B.J.
[pause]
Cinema Snob: Oh.

Cinema Snob: When young Gacy asks you to his secret hiding place, you say no. There are plenty of nice people out there with crawlspaces.

Cinema Snob: Okay, now I want these fucking guys to die too. One, they skinned frogs. And two, they actually made me feel sorry for Alan. Why the fuck would you do that to your audience?

Cinema Snob: I hope your herpes get herpes.

Frank: [to Alan] When I'm through with you, they're gonna throw your ass outta this camp so fast, you won't even know what hit you.
Cinema Snob: You know, that's an interesting point. Why doesn't he fucking get sent home? In reality, this fucking prick would have been sent home after the first week of summer.

Frank: Listen, I've been in this business a long time, and believe me, I've seen much worse tantrums than that.
Cinema Snob: Yeah, but the difference being we didn't have to see a movie about that.

Cinema Snob: Well, it's Precinct 13 if the Cholo just decided to call the grieving father a 'blow job', and if it all ended in a tantrum and not a shoot out.

Cinema Snob: I feel bad that these campers now have to resort to porn. Back in the '80s, campers were banging all over the place. But some things never change, people are still trying to kill them.

Cinema Snob: It's like getting mad at the series finale of a show I didn't even like. Sure, it's over, but why did David the Gnome have to turn into a fucking tree? That's fucking depressing.

Cinema Snob: "Isaac Hayes as the Chef"? Ooh, sweet reference that has nothing to do with Sleepaway Camp!

Cinema Snob: Now it's time to tie up one of the other counselors and Giovanni Lombardo Radice the hell out of his dick.

Cinema Snob: Alan is the camp delinquint and it goes back and forth from him being a bully to him being the one who is bullied without any fucking consistency whatsoever.So all we are left with is an unlikeable lead character who we do not feel sorry for when he is bullied. And when I say unlikeable, that is the biggest understatement I have ever uttered on this entire show. Alan is arguably the worst lead character in any horror film ever made. I am not kidding when I say Alan is the most unlikeable lead since Triumph of the Will.

Cinema Snob: It isn't until I see Ronnie's shirt here that I realize that the name of the camp is "Camp Man-Abe." Okay.

Cinema Snob: Weed and his lackey here wrap cow shit up in a joint and then talk Alan into smoking it.
[Alan has a bad reaction]
Cinema Snob: I'm having a hard time believing that there's cow shit in there.

Petey: These hooligans were making fun of Alan again.
Cinema Snob: Who are you and why do you care?

Ronnie: I got a bad feeling about this, Frank.
Cinema Snob: Yeah, I thought the same thing the first time Alan opened his big, fucking mouth.

Female Lifeguard: [to Alan] I need you off my dock without a bathing suit.
Cinema Snob: [scoffs] The chicks don't have on bathing suits on either. I can't believe no one has given him a wedgie yet.
[the guys give Alan an atomic wedgie]
Cinema Snob: Well that solves that.
[Alan's undies rip and he falls in the water]
Cinema Snob: Plus, I think this is the first bath he's been given in years.

Mike: [about pulling a prank on Alan] Just a little joke. Besides, he likes it when we make fun of him.
Cinema Snob: No, *I* like it when you make fun of him.

Randy: [as the killer lowers a tiny noose toward his crotch] What, are we hanging mice tonight?
Cinema Snob: You're about to get your dick cut off. Would you mind taking this more seriously?

Angela: What's happening here?
Cinema Snob: I'll tell you what's happening: you keep killing people!

Cinema Snob: I really don't like this movie.

Cinema Snob: A penile death scene so severe I didn't have to censor anything.

Ricky: [screaming] Angelaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Cinema Snob: [chuckles] Thank you for that, Ricky.

Cinema Snob: Now this girl has to die too, because why the fuck not?

Cinema Snob: Oh Toxie, must your avenging be so graphic?

Cinema Snob: This was apparently Isaac Hayes' last released film before his death, which seems really sad, as he's mostly just standing there saying nothing and looking depressed. He certainly paid more attention to the reactive mind when accepting this role.

Cinema Snob: They had to put a black screen there because it was just too amazing for us to see, or they blew their entire budget on Isaac Hayes, shitty credits and shitty CGI.

Ronnie: [whispering] Angela!
Cinema Snob: [mimicking him] Acting!

Ronnie: What's goin' on here? What happened to him?
Petey: What do you think happened? When are you gonna do something about this?
Cinema Snob: Okay, none of this works! In the original film, Angela was bullied, she was picked on, yes, and there was even a scene like this when she was thrown into the water. But Angela was *likable*. Angela had a sweet sort of innocence to her which made it more shocking when something dark would happen with her character. Alan... is *none* of those things. Alan is a bully who just happens to also be getting bullied. When the people in the story feel sorry for him, it makes no goddamn sense!

Cinema Snob: The opening credits weren't lying. There's Isaac Hayes as Chef. Makes sense, Alan is about as likeable as later seasons' Eric Cartman.

Cinema Snob: Ooh, rat death.

Cinema Snob: [speaks over a clip of himself from 2007] Maybe this'll work... except my lips aren't matching my words, and the quality is a little bad. Next.

Cinema Snob: [sitting on the floor in a large room] I am not doing a floor season again. Sorry. Also, I kinda sound like God in this room.

Cinema Snob: Is it bad that I love seeing horrible things happen to this guy?

Cinema Snob: Seriously, who would want to spend five minutes alone with this fucking turd? Unless you're luring him into the woods just to shoot paint balls at him. Oh, how I wish this were Child's Play 3 and those bullets were real.

Cinema Snob: Fuck, why was I talking? Now Vincent is all tied up for some reason.

Cinema Snob: On today's Cinema Snob, the topic is...
Jerrid: [in bed] Dude, do you mind? It's three in the afternoon.
Cinema Snob: Exactly! It's three in the afternoon!

Alan: Let me go, you big pussy!
Frank: You don't tell me what to do!
Cinema Snob: Oh, I get it, because he played Big Pussy on The Sopranos. It would've been much funnier if he'd called him a Scarboni. What? That was his character's name from the Jerky Boys movie. Much more obscure reference, which means I approve. Still doesn't make any fucking sense for it to be there, but I approve.

Cinema Snob: And Lenny Venito joins Vincent Pastore among actors who are way too good to be appearing in this movie.

Cinema Snob: Still, maybe it's worth it to see Venito throw eggs at this piece of shit.

Bella: And if he don't leave soon, I'm gonna shove this mallet up his ass, and it ain't gonna be pretty, girls.
Cinema Snob: Thank you! Shove a fucking cactus up his ass.

Cinema Snob: The only thing notable here is that we get to see a clip from the short-lived revival of Berertta.
Parrot: *Squawk* Your ass stinks.
Frank: What'd you say?
Cinema Snob: Yeah, it didn't go over too well.

Cinema Snob: Obviously, they want us to think Alan is the killer, but we already know Angela is in the film. Look, there she fucking is, so we know she's the killer, which renders scenes like this pointless.

Cinema Snob: Even though two people have died in this film, I still feel like nothing has happened, except that Ronnie is slowly becoming Jean Claude Van Damme.

Cinema Snob: Well they missed the perfect opportunity to have her to bleed Skittles.

Cinema Snob: Good lord, he turned him into carnival food!


"The Cinema Snob: Bingo (#9.24)" (2015)
[First lines]
Cinema Snob: I may not know much about today's movie but I do know that simply calling it "Bingo" makes it a notch more pleasing than a Bingo of the Geek Maggot variety.
[Chuckles, then starts murmuring to himself]
Cinema Snob: Geek Maggot Bingo... Beach Blanket... Geek... Maggot... Bingo... Beach... Blanket... Bingo... I JUST NOW GOT THAT!

Cinema Snob: This movie was a bomb at the box office and a flop with critics. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT WAS! Like I am ever gonna sit here and say, "This movie was a hit with both audiences and critics!"

Cinema Snob: "Bingo" is what happens when director Matthew Robbins who directed "Batteries Not Included" and wrote "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark", "Mimic", "Crimson Peak" and "Dragonslayer" decides he wants to make a dog picture. You're gonna have a very weird movie.

[Tristar Pictures' logo with the unicorn appears]
Cinema Snob: First off, they lied to me. They said this was about a dog, that's a horse...
[the unicorn unfurls its wings and starts flying]
Cinema Snob: Hey, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait... horses don't do that!

Cinema Snob: Bingo is a circus dog. You can tell because he eats face cream.

Cinema Snob: I see they are prepping the poodles for their Tequila and Bonetti orgy.

Cinema Snob: The star poodle has hurt her paw from falling in Buffalo Bill's well, so Bingo is gonna have to be the star of the show. Why do they have reservations about this? He knows how to fetch water!

Ginger (Suzie Plakson): He just needs a family that loves and cares for him! A little boy to play frisbee with.
Cinema Snob: No, I've seen that movie!
[Poster of "A Boy and His Dog" is shown]
Cinema Snob: It'll bring about the apocalypse!

[Children jump their bikes over a stream]
Cinema Snob: Ah, what we found impressive in the '90s.
Chickie Devlin (David French): What are you waiting for?
Chuckie Devlin (Robert J. Steinmiller Jr.): Your farts to evaporate!
Cinema Snob: And what we found insulting in the '90s!

[Bingo the dog gives the boy CPR by jumping on his chest]
Cinema Snob: Bad news, kid - all your ribs are broken!

Chuckie Devlin (Robert J. Steinmiller Jr.): Don't you ever do that to me again!
Cinema Snob: What, hide during hide-and-seek? You should be thrilled that he even knows the concept of hide-and-seek!

[Bingo is running behind the car]
Cinema Snob: Bingo is too late; and they actually speed up to go faster than the dog, because otherwise he totally would have caught up with them. He's the T-1000 of dogs!

Cinema Snob: Poor Bingo, all alone, causes a traffic jam clearly because he's drunk. Maybe this cop should look into that.
[Cut to the cop drawing a straight line on the road for Bingo to walk on]
Cinema Snob: The fuck? I was being sarcastic! This movie is made up of actually doing all of my stupid jokes!

[Bingo has been separated from the family]
Cinema Snob: It's okay, he'll be able to follow Chuckie's trail of piss. Again, I am serious - he's leaving behind a trail of piss. Why doesn't Bingo just look the family up in the phone book? He probably knows how to use one!

Cinema Snob: While at a roadside hot dog stand, Chuckie takes a leak and discovers the secret to their meat - they are capturing and murdering dogs to use for their hot dogs. Replace the dogs with people and this is instantly a horror film!

Hal Devlin (David Rasche): Nothing a little mustard can't fix.
Cinema Snob: It's a very reasonable final line... to the dog version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre!

Cinema Snob: Who taught the dogs the mirror prison trick? This movie is soooo weird!

Cinema Snob: It's not every day that I watch a family dog movie and expect John Jarratt to make a dog head on a stick!

[after Bingo's farewell scene with other dogs, Snob is sniffling and wiping his eyes]
Cinema Snob: I'm not crying, I'm just very happy they are not being turned into cocktail weenies.

Lennie (Kurt Fuller): [after Bingo barks] He's smart too, huh?
Cinema Snob: You think he's smart for *barking*? Wait till you see him drive a car!
[Shot of Bingo actually driving a car is shown]

Cinema Snob: Chuckie's still very upset but thankfully he has the support of his loving family.
Natalie Devlin (Cindy Williams): So pee-pee all you want but no dog can track you that distance!
Cinema Snob: Oh, but the dog CAN track him because Bingo is clearly the canine version of Max Cady... uh... without being a deranged murderer - *everyone else* in this movie is the murderer!

[the thieves have a few hostages gagged and bound in the bathroom]
Cinema Snob: The way this movie's going, they're probably gonna get eaten.

[Lennie has Bingo at gunpoint]
Lennie (Kurt Fuller): One move and the dog gets it!
Cinema Snob: Well, there's a line for all of the trailers!

Cinema Snob: I want this movie to be over too, but shooting the dog is kind of overkill!

[Bingo identifies the two criminals in court by pointing them out and barking at them]
Cinema Snob: Don't worry, they'll put him in witness protection by making him Henry Hill's dog.

Cinema Snob: I don't know what's worse, the fact that the defense tries framing the dog, or the fact that it works!

[Bingo is sent to the jail. A people jail]
Cinema Snob: This is the part where someone tattoos a Swastika on his ass.

Cinema Snob: Seriously, I *do* really think you should recreate that dog slaughterhouse segment but with people. It would fit along with my show much better.

[Bunny, the prostitute, gives Bingo a gift she has knitted]
Bunny (Tamsin Kelsey): It's a tail warmer.
Cinema Snob: Bullshit. I know a cock warmer when I see one!

Cinema Snob: This dog remembers everything. He remembered my earlier suggestion about reading a phone book!
[Bingo is shown reading a phone book to track Chuckie down]

Cinema Snob: Bingo is ratted out by the jealous co-dishwasher at the restaurant. That's a sentence I just said!

Cinema Snob: I miss modern-day family dog kidnapping movies like "Max", which involve gunrunners, exploding cars and people falling off bridges!

Cinema Snob: This movie is "The Magic of Lassie" but with more dead dogs and less Jimmy Stewart singing.


"The Cinema Snob: Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars (#5.17)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Christ sake, the opening credit names are being sucked up, much like their careers. If the vacuum can suck up the rest of the movie, this should be relatively painless to sit through.

Cinema Snob: Thank you, movie, now I know that the town has street lights and birds. Birds who apparently like to crap yogurt on peoples' heads.

Cinema Snob: Wow, underneath all that dirt he was the Micro Machine man.

Cinema Snob: You know what? It's a fucking vacuum cleaner. It shouldn't be this fucking hard to escape the goddamn thing, and I've seen The Refrigerator! Granted the fridge didn't fuck the guy directly afterwards.

Therapist: Vernon, it's not normal to carry on mature relations with a household appliance.
Cinema Snob: It's also not normal to cut away in the middle of your scene to a vacuum cleaner shitting!

Cinema Snob: The detective puts together a... really? A line-up? A fucking line-up of vacuum cleaners? Here's an idea: if the vacuum is moving on its own, that's the one who did it. If it's not moving, clean the fucking floor.

Cinema Snob: This movie's starting to get a little stupid.

Cinema Snob: Meanwhile on planet Apple, the aliens from earlier are enjoying a nice steam.

Cinema Snob: [reading critic quote on DVD box] "This could potentially be one of the greatest films in cinematic history." It's not!

Cinema Snob: But don't take my word for it. What do you have to say, Cinema Bum?
Cinema Bum: I don't have anything to say about this movie. I'm fucking homeless. I need a fucking job.
Cinema Snob: [laughs] He's so silly.

Cinema Snob: I sat through the entire movie and I still don't want to fuck my vacuum cleaner.

Cinema Snob: These are some of the cheesiest alien effects I've ever seen. Let's hope the shot of their ship is a tad bit better... What the fuck? It's a Simon machine? What, couldn't find enough glue to attach a Super Sonic?

Cinema Snob: [after a poor shot of a claymation alien urinating into a bottle] Wow, they literally just pissed away their budget.

Cinema Snob: The Asylum's version of Mr. Mom isn't very good.

Cinema Snob: So the movie doesn't get too carried away, it takes a little break so Rena can watch television, and whatever she's watching sounds funnier than the rest of the movie.

Cinema Snob: Once they realize the vacuum they created through bum love has grown a mind of its own, a female alien is sent down to seduce Vernon, because... why not? Let's hope he doesn't give in to temptation. At least this will give him something to talk about in therapy.

Cinema Snob: Wow, that scared him so much he turned back into a freeze frame.

Cinema Snob: Oh yeah, and we're apparently ahead nine months in the story because Rena is about to give birth. Alright, so what the fuck's gonna pop out of there? Larvae? John Hurt's Alien... oh, a Cabbage Patch Kid wearing the skin of a mini-vac. Obviously!

Voiceover: Maybe life has a sequel.
Cinema Snob: True, life may have a sequel, but this movie sure as hell didn't.

Cinema Snob: Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars starts out with something you never want to see in a bad movie: a dedication. "For Ken Sweet, who loved to laugh." Then he would have hated this movie.

Cinema Snob: Special Appearance by Ray Zone Day? I don't know who that is, but I like it better than an appearance by Red Zone Cuba.

Cinema Snob: You know, it really doesn't matter to me what movie I watch today, as long as it's not Night of Horror, it's a step up. A huge fucking step up. What's that? It's about a killer vacuum brought to life by aliens and a horny homeless man? Still a step up. Still not as bad as Night of Horror.

Cinema Snob: Easy there, claymation, you're almost getting the beer in their mouths.

Cinema Snob: At least it's a murder weapon that can clean up its own crime scene.

Cinema Snob: Here's a more realistic thought: a vacuum cleaner doesn't have the ability to get a person pregnant! This is very unrealistic!


"The Cinema Snob: Caddyshack II (#8.7)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: Plot or no plot, sometimes what's funny is just funny, and sometimes what's not funny is Caddyshack II!

[First Lines]
Cinema Snob: Throughout the years I have spotlighted some very disturbing, vile and haunting images; from E.T. getting anally plowed, to Sasquatch fucking a group of campers, to Amazon cannibal movies slaughtering animals; but this... I don't know... this time, I think I may have gone too far.

[Commenting on the "This film has been formatted to fit your screen" message at the start of the film]
Cinema Snob: You can't chop off the sides of the screen in Caddyshack II, that's where the jokes are hidden!

Cinema Snob: Given that there is so much green in this movie, it could also count as my St. Patrick's Day episode. That, and it makes me wanna drink.

Cinema Snob: Produced by Jon Peters? Well, clearly then it's not a shark, it's a giant spider!

Cinema Snob: When did the gopher stop sounding like a dolphin and begin sounding like John Belushi in the cafeteria scene in Animal House?

Cinema Snob: So far, this is nothing like the first movie. There's a charming young caddy and a group of snooty club members... wait a minute, this is just like the first movie!

[a girl hits a ball and it lands in water, making a splash sound effect]
Cinema Snob: That's also the sound it made at the box office.

Cinema Snob: Yikes, that's a sweater so white that even Bill Cosby wouldn't wear it.

Cinema Snob: Wow. This movie is about as funny as watching golf.

Cinema Snob: If I want a real special appearance by Chevy Chase, I'll stick with Paul Simon music videos, thank you very much.

Cinema Snob: Kenny Loggins returned to perform the movie's theme song "Nobody's Fool" - which is what audiences said before NOT going to see this movie.

[Commenting on the name of the movie's theme song]
Cinema Snob: They called it "Nobody's Fool" because calling it "I'm Not Alright" would be a little too obvious.

[VO as the construction workers sitting before Jack Hartounian]
Cinema Snob: Excuse me, do you mind? We are trying to build a skyscraper here, we don't have time to listen to your standup material!

Jack Hartounian (Jackie Mason): I should fire every one of you sonofabitches, that's what I should do!
Cinema Snob: You're the one playing cards with them on the clock!

Cinema Snob: You can tell he is rich because he looks like Willy Wonka was cast as the Joker!

Kate Hartounian (Jessica Lundy): You deserve to belong to the best country club.
Jack Hartounian (Jackie Mason): The best? This is the best? They're a bunch of snobs, that's all they are.
Cinema Snob: Oh yeah? Then why the fuck am *I* not a member of this establishment? I am far easier to understand than Jack Hartounian!

Don Draper (Club Manager): Are you expected?
Cinema Snob: [VO as Jackie Mason] Actually, no, they wanted Rodney Dangerfield but they got me instead!

[Commenting on Chevy Chase's special appearance]
Cinema Snob: Somehow, he is still easily the funniest one in the movie. Something about his real-life "not-give-a-fuck" attitude works here. Largely because he is playing a character who also does not give a fuck.

Cinema Snob: I'm sorry, did the horse just LAUGH? This is a really strange shitty movie that seems to be surrounded by another shitty movie in which the animals can talk!

Cinema Snob: Hehe, Rodney had a funny fart joke in the first movie, let's put twelve of them in our sequel within five minutes of each other!

Don Draper (Club Manager): It's time for our little slave auction. Break out your chequebooks and think Mandingo.
Cinema Snob: It's a little game we like to play, called "12 Minutes a Slave".

Cinema Snob: Why does every golf swing sound like a missile launch? Did they think the audience would be so stupid that they wouldn't know that they were playing golf unless those silly sounds were added?

Cinema Snob: Hey, it's the caddy making only his third appearance in the film. Meaning that this movie is not about caddies, or a shack, or a caddyshack, nor does it actually feature a caddyshack!

Cinema Snob: Caddyshack II is the worst thing to happen to golf since Atari Golf!


"The Cinema Snob: Island of Death (#4.23)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Well that goes to show that just because you have a boring title, doesn't mean you won't end up with a movie that features both beastiality and golden showers.

Cinema Snob: The movie begins with a man kicked to fucking shit laying in some lime telling us how he got into this fine mess.

Cinema Snob: At first Chris and Selia come across as a young, fun loving couple and just want to swing it up '70s style on the good old islands. Yeah, go ahead and paint those pants. It's just gonna end up looking like that later.

Cinema Snob: Now it's time to peek in the windows of people fucking.

Cinema Snob: Who gets jealous in the 1970s? Seriously, the only thing monogamous in the seventies was peanut butter and jelly.

Cinema Snob: Do I really have to sit here, look straight at the camera and tell my viewers that Chris fucks a goat?
[pause]
Cinema Snob: Chris fucks a goat.

Chris: Let's give him something to drink.
Cinema Snob: Oh Jesus, no. I've seen the goat fucking, I really don't need to see you piss on someone. Oh, it's just paint. Still sucks to be this guy, but thank God, it's just paint. Paint containing shards of glass aparently.

Cinema Snob: What? He's religious now? So they're religious zealots? Oh, no, no, that makes total sense. A prudish, devout religious man who kills those who are immoral... when he's not out fucking goats! Why am I afraid that by the end of the movie he's going to turn out to be a nazi too?

Cinema Snob: Unfortunately for the victim, the script kills him.

Cinema Snob: I'm starting to get the feeling that Chris and Selia are a really weird couple.

Cinema Snob: [Chris peeps on people having sex while the sound of the waves splash against beach behind him] I think he needs to change his semen diaper. Sounds like his dick is drowning.

Cinema Snob: But it's nice to see that the cop has some screen time now... oh, what the hell? The third time we see him he's dangling from a plane? I mean, his mannequin is dangling from a plane? Well it's okay, because clearly this is our hero and...
[cop falls to his death]
Cinema Snob: The hell? What the fuck was that character all about then? Let's build up this cop character and then hang him from a plane.

Cinema Snob: Ha ha, yeah, 'cause it looks like a dick.

Cinema Snob: The hell? Is this a 3D movie all of a sudden? Why not? Every other movie is.

Cinema Snob: Chris, the warm, comforting husband that he is, shows his sadness for his wife's rape by going out and raping a lesbian. Dude's a dick!

Stilted Singer: Mother. I see the wonders of the day. Millions of people left. Like clay.
Cinema Snob: Shatner?

Cinema Snob: Wouldn't you know, yokel farmer equals rapist. And, an equal opportunity rapist too.
[Farmer rapes Chris]

Cinema Snob: Why don't you just throw in another twist, movie?
Chris: You've got to help me. I'm your brother.
Selia: Shh. You promised not to tell anyone.
Cinema Snob: Oh, of course they're siblings. Why wouldn't I expect this movie to be any classier than Tromeo and Juliet?

Cinema Snob: Island of Death was the first film from writer/director Nico Mastorakis, who claims to have been inspired to make a fucked up movie after seeing The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Oh yeah, it's just like Chainsaw Massacre, if the hitchhiker fucked the cows before sledgehammering them.

Cinema Snob: This movie has goat fucking!

Cinema Snob: If only the stab wounds and bullet holes had given us more clues!

Cinema Snob: Might as well cut him loose.
[cut to a minute-long sequence of a knife cutting through a rope]
Cinema Snob: I didn't mean for you to actually show me that in real time!


"The Cinema Snob: Child Bride (#5.31)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Worst Little Rascals episode EVER!

Cinema Snob: Well, I have no standards. I'll do it.

Cinema Snob: But we have to remember that the point of the film is to abolish child marriage. You know who should abolish it instead of this movie? THE POLICE!

Cinema Snob: I'm sure that's the world's only song that combines being in school, arithmatic with an R and fucking Christmas?

Cinema Snob: I like the 30-year-old student in the back, seen here swinging at John Woo movies. Sad thing is, this guy's the valedictorian.

Reverend: If there is anyone here among you who has any reason why these two people should not be joined in together in holy wedlock, let him speak now...
Cinema Snob: She's 12!

Cinema Snob: The lead child character of the film is young Jennie, who has fallen asleep reading "Child Marriage is a Crime." I heard the alternate title for the book is "Fucking Duh!"

Cinema Snob: Don't use all of that tar, that's what's gonna feed the cast and crew for the rest of the day.

Cinema Snob: Speaking of jerking off, I don't think I've masturbated to Tree of Life yet today.

Reverend: You may kiss the bride.
Cinema Snob: But we strongly urge you not to.

Cinema Snob: I've seen a woman impaled from vag to mouth on a spear, and THIS makes me feel dirty.

Cinema Snob: I like how the age range in this class is kindergarten through graduate school.

Cinema Snob: Time for the 9:00 AM outhouse break.
Kid: Hey, Cecil, this one's Ma. This is Pa.
Cinema Snob: Doesn't really matter which door you use. They both lead to the same room with the same bucket of piss and shit.

Cinema Snob: Jake the pervert may have helped Jennie's mom in hiding the body, but there is just one catch, and it's a catch that'll get you ten to twenty.

Cinema Snob: Some people give engagement rings, and other people give... dolls.

Cinema Snob: Freddie quickly runs to tell the teacher that she's still in the movie.

Cinema Snob: You know, normally I have to ask myself just who in the hell the intended audience was for these movies, but in this instance, I don't really wanna know the fucking answer.

Man: So, how's it feel to be courtin' the prettiest youngin in the community?
Cinema Snob: It feels illegal!

[first lines]
Cinema Snob: [exhales] Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

[last lines]
Cinema Snob: And now, I'm off to have a good cry and a shower.


"The Cinema Snob: Driller Killer (#5.5)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: If this guy were any less likeable, he'd be a genocidal dictator.

Cinema Snob: Why "Public Domain Month"? Well, why not?

Cinema Snob: Even the word "sleaze" wouldn't fuck this movie.

Cinema Snob: Well, now that he's killed someone, maybe he'll be a bit nicer.

Reno: All you know about is how to bitch and how to eat and how to bitch and how to shit and how to bitch. You don't know nothing about painting.
Cinema Snob: Is that Abel acting or directing? Because if that's his directing style, well, he's certainly nicer to his actors than Kubrick was.

Cinema Snob: This movie is so grimy that taking a bath in piss and grease would make me feel more clean than watching this thing.

Cinema Snob: For fuck sakes, the movie looks more diseased than a used needle.

Cinema Snob: That's right, he killed you, and he drilled you to a door. Because that makes about as much sense as when he drilled that guy's hand to a brick wall.

Cinema Snob: I know what you're thinking. This movie's not as entertaining as Italian Batman. Is was the lesbians, wasn't it? Now you're expecting every movie I review to have lesbians in it. Well, this movie has lesbians in it too.

Cinema Snob: Well, that's our first entry in Public Domain month. Glad I started on a happy note.

Cinema Snob: And sure, yeah, I'm going to sit here and I'm going to trash the film myself. But I can, because I've actually seen the movie. I don't base my entire opinion of the thing on a box cover.

Cinema Snob: Also, interesting piece of trivia. I don't know if this is true, but according to Ferrara, that's Bruce Willis. The guy washing the windows: Bruce fucking Willis. Could be true. Could be a lie. Regardless, it's a better career move than co-starring in North.

Cinema Snob: Back to Reno, though. Just because he's a completely unlikeable character doesn't mean we can't see him fuck in the back seat of a cab.

Cinema Snob: [while Reno and his roommate are trying to figure out where to drill a hole in a door] Oh my God. How do I fucking break it to them that there's already a hole in the door?

Cinema Snob: I'm so glad they asked me to play this movie loud. It's imperitive that I hear all of his bitching.

Cinema Snob: Unknown to Reno, his girlfriend starts having serious doubts about their relationship. Can't imagine why. When she gets a letter from an old lover.
Voice over: This Thursday is the fifth anniversary of the first day we met.
[the letter includes a $100 bill]
Cinema Snob: It was nice of Ben Franklin to write her that letter.

Cinema Snob: Never thought I'd say this, but could someone please drill this homeless guy?

Cinema Snob: Really? You're really gonna go over there, critic? What are the odds that the crazy, starving artist you insulted is gonna kill you versus he actually did paint another piece of artwork within six hours?

Cinema Snob: I'm sorry, did the screen cut to red? I didn't notice, since that's the only color I was seeing throughout the entire film.

Cinema Snob: [Reno drinks milk out of the carton] You think that's attractive? Watch this.
[Reno scarfs down pizza, one piece at a time]
Cinema Snob: For fuck sake, even Travis Bickle couldn't relate to this guy.


"The Cinema Snob: Two of a Kind (#8.11)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: If I look like I am in a bad mood, it's because the movie I picked this week is *another* forgotten John Travolta romance film...
[Points at the poster of 'Moment by Moment' on the wall behind him]
Cinema Snob: ...this time co-starring Olivia Newton-John.
Olivia Newton-John: [from a clip from 'Grease'] Tell me about it, stud.
Cinema Snob: I wish I could tell you about it, Olivia, but unfortunately it's not 'Grease' that I'm talking about; I liked *that* movie. Oh no no, I'm talking about the *other* John Travolta - Olivia Newton-John teamup.
[Clip from "I Think You Might Like It" music video is shown]
Cinema Snob: [Surprised] What in the hell was that? OK, I don't know what *that* was but maybe now I'm glad I am stuck with their 1983 reunion film 'Two of a Kind'.

Cinema Snob: Don't remember 'Two of a Kind'? It's the one where God wants to destroy the entire world unless angels can prove to him that goodness exists by hooking up John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John! Ha ha ha... WHAT THE FU...?

[the "Hallelujah" chorus plays over the opening credits]
Cinema Snob: Something tells me for how well this movie was received, they should have saved the "Hallelujah" chorus for the end credits.

Cinema Snob: I can't tell if this is heaven or the opening shootout from 'Insomnia'.

Cinema Snob: Playing golf with white balls within a cloud of white smoke seems so annoying that I am thinking this may actually be hell!

God (Gene Hackman): I think I have to do something drastic. I want to start over.
Cinema Snob: Oh, come on, the movie just started. Don't give up on it yet, God!

Cinema Snob: So I guess the God in this prefers the Old Testament God and I don't think that someone contemplating mass murder should be judging someone else for their lack of goodness!

[Travolta turns the Tv on and sits in a chair beside it]
Cinema Snob: I am gonna turn on my TV and sit in a spot where I can't see it. Badass!

[During a bank robbery]
Zack (John Travolta): Thank you.
Debbie (Olivia Newton-John): You're welcome. I am single.
Cinema Snob: What the fuck? Well, in her defense, she does know that he is rich now.

Toni Kalem (Terri): You're home early.
Debbie (Olivia Newton-John): I got fired.
Cinema Snob: Yes, how dare you let that man with a gun rob us? You're fired!

Cinema Snob: What the fuck? She pulled the switcheroo and stole the money herself? Is the twist halfway through the movie that Norman Bates is gonna stab her in the shower?

Toni Kalem (Terri): Why did you get fired this time?
Debbie (Olivia Newton-John): I flirted with a bank robber.
Toni Kalem (Terri): What?
[Cut to a scene in Travolta's apartment]
Cinema Snob: Wait, why the hell did you cut away from that? I have that question too!

Cinema Snob: It's rare that I see a movie's ending spoiled BY THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE!

[the movie starts rewinding and then Oliver Reed appears]
Cinema Snob: Wait... OLIVER REED?
[Beat]
Cinema Snob: If I rewind any movie will Oliver Reed magically show up? Because... I kinda want that to happen!

Cinema Snob: Oliver Reed plays Beasley a.k.a. Satan who can magically make girls appear, already making him more likeable than God!

Cinema Snob: While the movie wasn't a hit with either critics or the audience, so far I can think of one person who is clearly a fan of it: DANNY BOYLE!
[Poster of 'A Life Less Ordinary' is shown]

[the onscreen action is still rewinding]
Cinema Snob: Oh, Goddammit, stop rewinding the movie! Three acts is enough, it does not need an act 1.5!

Cinema Snob: Does every meet-cute in this movie have to be fucking terrifying?

[Olivia Newton-John screams upon seeing John Travolta]
Cinema Snob: Why is she scared of him now? She was flirting with him earlier!

Cinema Snob: Every great romance film begins when one character thinks the other is on a mission to murder them. That's why the most romantic movie ever made is 'Vice Squad'!


"The Cinema Snob: Top Dog (#9.14)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: Magic Clip Machine, show me something that you always conveniently have queued up whenever I look over to randomly cut to a clip.
[Cuts to a clip from the trailer of 'Top Dog']

Cinema Snob: Chuck Norris is like the biscuits and gravy of action heroes; it's not good for you but sometimes you need it.

Cinema Snob: What the fuck? We are five seconds into this and already a hate crime has been committed? And it isn't simply showing this movie to an audience?

Cinema Snob: I thought this movie was 'The Odd Couple' with a dog. What's this domestic terrorism shit?

Cinema Snob: We get to see Reno in action at K-9 headquarters, where they teach dogs respect by putting the decapitated head of bad dogs on a stump.

Cinema Snob: Give the man a break, he's got a career of internet memes ahead of him!

Cinema Snob: Is this a cop-dog comedy or 'Mississippi Burning'?

Jake Wilder (Chuck Norris): Mom, is something bothering you?
Cinema Snob: Of course something is bothering me - in this movie, you are not even convincing at holding a banana!

Cinema Snob: I like how in their task force meeting there is a list of all hate groups on the chalkboard and the Neo-Nazis are so bad they get two exclamation points. The KKK doesn't even get one!

Jake Wilder (Chuck Norris): Reno! Marijuana, cocaine, heroin - go find it!
Cinema Snob: Yeah, get Chuck some drugs - we'll get a performance out of him yet!

Cinema Snob: Don't shoot the dog. Did you learn nothing from 'Turner & Hooch'? You wait till the end to kill the dog!

Jake Wilder (Chuck Norris): I know how you feel. I lost my father the same way you lost your grandfather.
Cinema Snob: Your father also died on a boat carrying C-4 to be used by domestic terrorists in a bomb attack? The fuck are the odds of that?

[Clip of Chuck Norris digging in the garden]
Cinema Snob: He is trying to bury himself from being in the rest of the movie.

Jake Wilder (Chuck Norris): Captain, pick up every known racist scumbag in the area. Maybe someone will know something.
Cinema Snob: Yes, and after four months of interviewing all of them, perhaps you'll find a clue.

Cinema Snob: This movie is giving people with shaved heads a bad name.

[Clip of two cops getting shot]
Cinema Snob: See, here's the problem. If only they were good at KICKING people, then they would still be alive.
[Clip of Chuck Norris fighting several bad guys by kicking them]
Cinema Snob: Look, Chuck Norris's stunt double is incredibly good at kicking people and he survived the whole movie!

Cinema Snob: Truly, this is the site of racial unity: The Pope, a Rabbi, and a Mariachi band! What else could you ask for?

Cinema Snob: This plan seems foolproof - no one will suspect the guy with the longest hair being a skinhead.

Cinema Snob: Chuck is definitely the badass in this climax - he sends someone else to go chase the bad guy, while he pulls at a car door.


"The Cinema Snob: In Search of the Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle Woo (#7.21)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: [Opening lines] Why is it that the more wholesome the movie is on this show the more likely it is to give you nightmares? So with that in mind, kick back, sneak a little of your grandpa's LSD and prepare yourself for In Search of the Wah-Wah Wizzle... Wobble... Something. You know what? No, no. No I am not saying the full title of this film because I'm not a fucking idiot.

Cinema Snob: I'm sorry. Is that music? It sounds like Salacious Crumb jerking off. I get those two confused sometimes.

DJ on Radio: I've got a message for you. Don't look in the closet.
Cinema Snob: Oh don't worry about that, I'm pretty sure he's still in the closet.

Cinema Snob: Oh, shit. It's the Anipals. I knew there was something in this room that had a hand up its ass.

Tim Noah: This must be where Tarzan lives. Probably has lots of animals for friends. Never has to do any homework.
Cinema Snob: Neither do you. You're 30.

Tim's Mother: Tim! Are you in there?
Tim Noah: Yeah, Mom. I'm here.
Tim's Mother: How did your lunch box get smashed?
Cinema Snob: Hey, hey. Tim lives with his mom.
[points to his face smiling]
Cinema Snob: This is me being surprised by this.

Tim's Imagination: Too bad too. We're just getting to the good part.
Cinema Snob: It isn't just me. Even the movie knows that so far it sucked. Thank god we're now at the good part.
Tim's Imagination: Well, I guess you won't be needing your magic powers then.
Cinema Snob: This is the fucking good part?
[Magic robe falls from the ceiling]
Cinema Snob: Here, I need you to put on this costume and escort Waldo to the land of Giants.
[Tim puts on magician's costume]
Cinema Snob: Great. Now he looks like that prick I always wanted to strangle in Super Mario World.

Tim Noah: [singing while dumping stardust out of his hat] And my hat is full of stardust.
Cinema Snob: [laughing] That's the cocaine! You feeling the effects yet, Tim? I know you are!

Tim Noah: [singing] Sunshine morning...
Cinema Snob: You've been fucking around in your room all day, asshole. It's like 6 pm out there, loser.

Cinema Snob: And now he and us have finally ended up in children's entertainment hell.
Tim Noah: I miss you. Think I'll go in the closet.
Cinema Snob: Tim... no. Just... stop, honey.

Tim Noah: [singing] When you can't reach to scratch an itch. Well that's what friends are for...
Cinema Snob: Really? You mean I've spent years scratching away at my jock itch when I could have easily had my friends do it?

Cinema Snob: Are we ever going to see this Wicker Bricker Weed Whacker they keep singing about?
Tim Noah: That's what I'm talking about! The Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle Woo! It's me and you, man!
Cinema Snob: What? So in other words, this movie should be called In Search for Nothing?
Tim Noah: Together, we can do anything!
Cinema Snob: No you can't! You promised us a Wow Wow Wibble Wobble Bubble and came through with nothing! You're the dirty Christmas of children's entertainers.

Cinema Snob: [Tim comes out of the closet dressed in a marching band leader's uniform] He just got picked last in the picked last competition. He's so American he tastes like pancakes.

Tim Noah: I love you.
Cinema Snob: [flirty tone] Slow down. It's a little too soon, Tim. We've only just met and I already think you also have severed heads in your closet.
Tim's Imagination: Hmmm... Let's see now. What can I do with mashed potatoes?
[Door slowly closes]
Cinema Snob: Ummm... you can eat them. Please, please. For the love of God, just eat them.

Tim Noah: Just look at this room! It looks like it's been hit by a... tor... uh, hur... an... an... ear... a tor-hura-quake!
Cinema Snob: Yeah and whose fault is that? Don't shoot rocket launchers in the house if you don't want to get in trouble with your 60-year-old mom.

Cinema Snob: Tim leads a very weird life. He lives inside of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's stomach, and yet he still manages to be the whitest thing in the room.

Cinema Snob: Kirk Cameron's Evolution of Dance was weird. The dancing's not that good, it lacks actual evolution, and it's kinda bigoted. Though not even Kirk Cameron is in this much denial.

Tim Noah: [phone is ringing] Telephone. Wait a minute! There's no telephone in here!
Cinema Snob: Um, there is clearly a phone in there. I can hear it ringing!
Tim Noah: [picks up soda bottle and puts it to ear] Hello?
Cinema Snob: That's a fucking bottle!

Tim's Imagination: Try... the jungle.
Cinema Snob: Is this the jungle, or a bunch of peacocks playing a horrible game of Hide & Seek?


"The Cinema Snob: Beaver & Buttface (#4.9)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Ich bin der waffle automat!

Cinema Snob: If only there were such a thing as good dreams. There is no such thing as happy dreams, right? Everyone has nightmares like I do, don't they? Please tell me I'm normal?

Cinema Snob: Beaver and Buttface? A Beavis and Butt-head porno spoof? What's it gonna be, 90 minutes of chuckling and cornholing with a lighter fetish?

Cinema Snob: Look at this fake nose on Beavis. If only I could show the scene where that pointy rubber nose pokes inside someone's asshole. Some men were made to witness miracles, I was made to witness Beaver nosing through an ass cave.

Cinema Snob: It's also nice to know that Beaver and Buttface's favorite bands are apparently Ass and Pussy. Can't say I've ever heard of those bands, but they can't be any worse than AC/DC and Metallica.

Cinema Snob: Up? The word 'up' is sending your dick into a frenzy? Well that's consistent, seeing as how earlier in the movie, they had no problem with saying the word 'analingus'.
Buttface: Yeah, that's called... an-a-lingus.
Cinema Snob: I couldn't show the clip right there, but I think you can imagine in your head what was going on. He was Beavising her Butt-head.

Cinema Snob: Oh good, they're inviting the Todd variant over for an orgy. Well this is bound to get dark and violent and... what? They're cutting out the porn? It's a porn that cuts out the porn!

Cinema Snob: Well I think I've seen enough horrifying material here to replace my nightmares of extra-terrestrial poon with nightmares of being violated by a human Beavis with a plaster nose. Thanks, Rule 34-sploitation.

Cinema Snob: It looks like a pair of escaped child molesters crashed the set of Clutch Cargo!

Cinema Snob: I can't have that nightmare swimming around in my head like it's trying to win a gold medal in SYNCHRONIZED BRAIN-FUCKING!

Cinema Snob: Good lord, it's not that it's a bad impression, it just sounds like a voice that doesn't naturally come from a human being. It sounds like someone is impersonating a Speak & Spell while wearing a Decepticon mask.

Cinema Snob: They look more like groupies for an all-ladies bowling league.

Cinema Snob: And by the way, Beaver and Buttface sounds like the names that Beavis and Butt-head's neighbor, Mr. Anderson confuses them with.
Mr. Anderson: Like these two fellas, Buffcoat and Beaver. Boy, they ain't been nothing but trouble.
Cinema Snob: Oh, now I get it. Mr. Anderson is a fan of the Beaver and Buttface porn.

Cinema Snob: What? Well, it's nice to know that Coach Buzz-Cut has a cameo here, but what's with the damn picture quality? Why is this fucking movie going all Chester Novel Turner on me all of a sudden?

Cinema Snob: The thing of it is, though, is that she's a terrible teacher. After she demonstrates what a lesbian is, the boys hit on said lesbian. I don't think they got the point. And what's this now? They're scoring with the lesbian? The teacher didn't even use a proper lesbian! She unintentionally showed the boys what a bisexual, indie 90s chick is!

Cinema Snob: The opening starts a little bit like an episode of Beavis and Butt-head, giving us the title "Porno Rules," as if it's the name of this "episode." Luckily there were no more "episodes" of Beaver and Buttface made after this film.

Cinema Snob: This movie goes on for 60 minutes, less than that if you take out the porno interludes. Oh, I'm not talking about the sequences of Beaver and Buttface fucking, I'm talking about the scenes where they're sitting on their couch watching porn. Yep, just like the music videos interrupted each episode of Beavis and Butt-head, Beaver and Buttface is interrupted by them watching porno movies that have no affilitation with the rest of the movie. It may be the first time in a porno movie where the porn interrupts the porn.

Cinema Snob: I guess this is a school that not only looks the other way when teachers sleep with students, but they also seem to have no problem with it being part of their lesson plan. She seems to have a very learn-by-showing attitude that I hope no one in this class asks her what beastiality is.


"The Cinema Snob: Exorcist II: The Heretic (#9.12)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: Oh, welcome back, "What the Fuck, Hollywood", how I missed you so!

Cinema Snob: The opening credits are very uneasy. I think you can hear the editor making noises in the background.
[Cue the opening credits music consisting of nothing but agonized screaming and laughing from apparently a possessed woman]
Cinema Snob: No wonder this movie is so bonkers - it's edited by a witch!

[the credit "Edited by Tom Priestley" appears]
Cinema Snob: They try convincing you that Satan himself didn't edit this film by putting the word 'priest' in the editor's name. Nice try!

Cinema Snob: Maybe the writer has too good of a heart to make a movie about pure evil. His name is literally 'Goodhart'!

[Linda Blair is shown wearing a jersey numbered 22]
Cinema Snob: [VO over scene] This scene only exists to show us that Linda Blair is more than a 10. She's a perfect 22!
Cinema Snob: She is also 16, snob.
[Slaps himself]

Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher): What's happening?
Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair): Not Much.
Cinema Snob: This isn't a very sound foundation for a sequel!

Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher): Reagan, why don't you tell me the truth? Don't you trust me?
Cinema Snob: No, Miss Ratched, I don't trust you. You were gonna tell Billy Bibbit's mom that he slept with a woman. And I think we all know what happened afterwards!

Cinema Snob: Father Lamont is put in charge of heading the investigation on what happened to Father Merrin in the previous film. Nothing like waiting *four years* to start that case!

[Commenting on the design of the psychiatric institute]
Cinema Snob: This whole place looks like it was made to challenge the cinematographer not to get the camera reflection in the shot!

Cinema Snob: I don't understand the music choices here...
[the credit "Music Composed by Ennio Morricone" appears]
Cinema Snob: Well, that's a huge spoiler. Now I know the demon is going to be defeated by Clint Eastwood shooting him and then taking the gold from the unmarked grave next to Arch Stanton's!

Cinema Snob: The person who really looks hypnotized is poor Richard Burton, who spends 90% of the scene not saying anything, let alone fucking moving a muscle! Then again, he was very drunk on set. Very, very drunk. But... I'm not judging.

Cinema Snob: Not really sure what this machine is doing to Fletcher but suddenly she thinks it's a really good idea to do Grizzly II.

Cinema Snob: Burton knows exactly what to do, which is weird seeing how it's the first time he's seen this machine. Then again, this isn't the first time a drunken Richard Burton creepily stares at a woman groping another woman's chest.

Cinema Snob: And here I thought this scene was going to get weird. It's only a couple of hands fighting over control of a human heart. It's like thumb wars - but with a pumping heart!

Cinema Snob: Burton is staring at this like he's staring at a burrito at the long end of a hall where the floor is made of melted cheese.

[Father Lamont tries to douse a fire by hitting it with a crutch]
Cinema Snob: There! Hit it with a crutch! That'll make it better!

[a locust swarm descends upon an African village]
Cinema Snob: Being possessed leaves you with recurring dreams of a lost Irwin Allen film.

Cinema Snob: [VO during the locust swarm scene] Actually, I fooled you all along - this isn't a sequel to The Exorcist, it's a sequel to The Day of the Locust.
Cinema Snob: I haven't seen The Day of the Locust but from the title, it is *obviously* about a deadly locust invasion.


Kickassia (2010) (V)
Nostalgia Critic: [over the phone] Cinema Snob?
Cinema Snob: Guilty as charged.
Nostalgia Critic: Any chance you got Sean's number?
Cinema Snob: Your mom has Sean's number.
Nostalgia Critic: Shut up.

Nostalgia Critic: [over the phone] Can you hear me?
Angry Joe: Yes.
Nostalgia Chick: Yes.
Phelous: Yes.
Cinema Snob: No. I mean yes.

Nostalgia Critic: I've wanted this place for a long time and now that I got it, I'm not going to let anyone take it away from me. I discovered that the world is filled with nasty-wasties, and a lot of those nasty-wasties want what I got. So, if any of them try to take away what I have, I'm not afraid to go down with the ship and take everybody with me. But that's just if one of those nasty-wasties shows up. Or if someone in this beloved nation of mine is a nasty-wasty. What do you say, Cinema Snob? You're not one of those nasty-wasties, are you?
Cinema Snob: No, of course not.
Nostalgia Critic: Good. I'm glad we had this talk. Take care.

Cinema Snob: You're out of order, they're out of order! The whole system is out of order!
Nostalgia Critic: I am the system!
Cinema Snob: I know you're the system! That's my point!
Nostalgia Critic: I know it's your point! It's just when you say that I'm out of order and the system's out of order it's kind of redundant!

Cinema Snob: The point I'm trying to get across is fuck you!
Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you!
Cinema Snob: Fuck YOU!
Nostalgia Critic: Fuck YOU!
JewWario: Oh, won't somebody think of the children?

Cinema Snob: Look, I'll have a talk with the Critic, see if any of this is true.
Paw: What if he suspects us going behind his back?
Cinema Snob: He won't suspect us. I'll put it very delicately.
[scene cuts to Snob talking to Critic]
Cinema Snob: Everybody thinks you're nuts.

Nostalgia Critic: Cinema Snob, do you have anything to say before I sentence you to your... sentence?
Cinema Snob: Oh, I got something to say.
Nostalgia Critic: Well make it quick, I don't want to miss Gilligan.
Cinema Snob: When I helped build Kickassia, I had a dream of freedom, justice and honor. But now I see it has been shattered by the dumbass cock-face that sits across from me. You really know how to put the 'dick' in dictatorship.

Nostalgia Critic: May your honor be stricken forever. May your name always be associated with douchebaggery. And may you walk, until you walk no more. Go! And never return.
Cinema Snob: Okay, I'm going to catch a cab. If anyone needs me, I'll be at the hotel down the street.

Cinema Snob: Weren't you Dr. Insano?
The Spoony One: Eh, I got better.

Nostalgia Critic: Cinema Snob, how dare you return from your banishmentdome.
Cinema Snob: That was the old order. This is the new order.
Nostalgia Critic: New order?
Cinema Snob: Yes, one that's been coming to you for a long time.

Nostalgia Chick: I am the new ruler of Kickassia, and there's gonna be some new rules around here.
[laughs maniacally]
Cinema Snob: [takes hat from her] Excuse me, but it was my insight that overthrew this government. So I think it should be I taking over as acting president.
[laughs maniacally]
Linkara: [takes hat from him] Bad news, I'm afraid. Since I'm the one who orchestrated this operation, it's obviously I who should be president.
[laughs maniacally]

Cinema Snob: [re: the Critic] He does nothing. It's like the job of a president is to be removed from reality while everyone else does the work.
Benzaie: Um... yeah, imagine that.

LordKat: You look me in the eye and tell me he's not stupid enough to do something that crazy.
[Dramatic music builds as the Snob gears up with his answer]
Cinema Snob: [Deep breath] Okay, you have a point.

Cinema Snob: God, shoot me.
[Film Brain moves the gun]
Cinema Snob: NO!

Phelous: Well, *that* didn't work.
Bennett the Sage: Didn't you have any other strategy outside of going, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!"
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I didn't think that far ahead.
Cinema Snob: No, you just thought up to where everyone was in charge, and *you* were ruling the fucking world.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes.
Paw: You can't just do that, Critic. You have to plan these things out. You have to have a strategy for God's sake!
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, but that takes hard work. Hard work that we do not have!

Nostalgia Critic: [holding a detonation device] Need I remind you that there are twenty tons of dynamite under this nation?
Cinema Snob: Uh, joke's on you, moron. I disconnected the dynamite after I left. You push that thing and nothing happens.
Nostalgia Critic: I don't believe you! I push this button and we all get blown SKY HIGH!
[everyone just stares at him]
Nostalgia Critic: Very well. For the honor and all of KICKASSIA!
[the Critic pushes a button on the device, but nothing happens; he becomes quite nervous]
Nostalgia Critic: [weakly] ... Kaboom!
[suddenly, he screams as everyone rushes him and starts beating him to a pulp]


"The Cinema Snob: The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (#10.4)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Well, I'm just gonna say right off the bat... that I don't think this movie was made for me.

Goobie: Welcome to our movie.
Cinema Snob: I'm not here by choice!

Rosalie Rosebud: My jet won't be able to take off with a balloon wrapped around its tail.
Cinema Snob: Yes, it can.

Cinema Snob: The Oogieloves are made up of Goobie, who likes scientific things.
Goobie: And pickles.
Cinema Snob: Pickles, huh? Well given that you look like one, I'm guessing you're a cannibal.

Cinema Snob: It's their pillow Schloofy's birthday - that's a sentence I just said - and he seems to be suffering from some form of sleep paralysis.
[Schloofy coughs up feathers]
Cinema Snob: What the fuck? Did he just puke out his own intestines? That's horrifying!

Toofie: Schloofy's birthday surprise party!
Goobie, Zoozie: Shh!
Cinema Snob: Spoilers, much?

Cinema Snob: Their Hoover vacuum is returning with the party balloons, and his name is, no joke, J. Edgar. Get it? Hoover? J. Edgar? Kids LOVE old FBI references.

Windy Window: All you have to do is ask: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, Windy Window, what do you see?
Cinema Snob: Asking that implies that I give a shit about the answer.

Cinema Snob: They just got all the balloons. I think their adventure is over... unless, something terrible happens.
[imitating Oogielives]
Cinema Snob: n'yoh, no, deese are da wrong balloons.
[as himself]
Cinema Snob: AH, GOD DAMN IT!

Cinema Snob: In any other movie, I'd expect them all to start fucking by now.

Cinema Snob: Goofy Toofie, buy a fucking belt!

Milky Marvin: My megaphone, please.
Waitress: I think you mean your moo-gaphone.
Cinema Snob: No, I mean the megaphone. That's just stupid what you said.

Toofie: J. Edgar never lets us have such big milkshakes.
Cinema Snob: Well now they're just stealing lines from Boardwalk Empire.

Zoozie: She said Bobbly Wobbly went out for a wobble.
Cinema Snob: A wobble is when you see how many weeble-wobbles you can shove up your ass before you feel like you have to sit down.

Cinema Snob: Hey, kids, you lose something and a stranger driving a truck has it? Talk to them.
Zoozie: [communicating with a bird] Squawk! Squawk-a-doo. Squak-a-dee.
Cinema Snob: And act like a fucking idiot when you do it too.


"The Cinema Snob: Friday the 13th, Part 3: 3D (#8.21)" (2014)
[the episode is shot to look like a 3D video. Snob looks at the slightly distorted version of himself and exclaims]
Cinema Snob: Oh my God, oh my God, what has happened to me? I've become part of that 3D craze that I *hate* so much... even though it's incredibly easy for me to watch the 2D versions of things, I still feel the need to bitch about a gimmick that I don't even watch!

Cinema Snob: Even the posters give me a fucking headache...
[Posters of My Bloody Valentine and The Final Destination are shown]
Cinema Snob: Wait, no, not this era of 3D; I am talking about the early '80s 3D craze.
[Posters of Friday the 13th Part III, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone and The Man Who Wasn't There are shown]
Cinema Snob: The most memorable instances, of course, being Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone and The Man Who Wasn't There! You hear that? Not even the Coen brothers could escape the 3D boom!

Cinema Snob: But with this hi-tech camerawork, people on Youtube can stop complaining to me about the quality of my videos and instead they can complain that the video's not in 2D! Speaking of which, will there be a 2D version of this episode?
[Grabs a bullhorn, points it towards the camera and talks through it]
Cinema Snob: NOPE! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, that's a whole lot of NOPE!

Cinema Snob: The DVD comes with not one but *two* pairs of 3D glasses. Who cares about your third friend anyway? He sucks! I only have *one* pair of special 3D glasses... largely because I am very, very lonely.

Cinema Snob: The opening reminds you that the film is rated R. I would say, "What the fuck else would it be rated?" but nowadays it's kind of a crap shoot.

[Opening credit: A Jason Inc. Production]
Cinema Snob: What a co-incidence - it's a Jason Inc. production. The Michael Myers Inc. people wanted no part of this!

Cinema Snob: Funny, too, how it's called Jason Inc. on the one Friday the 13th film where, aside from stock footage, no one calls him Jason!

[the footage of climax from Friday the 13th Part II is shown]
Cinema Snob: [VO as Jason] Wait a minute - this 20-something hot blonde thing isn't my mom?

[the footage from Friday the 13th Part II - which is in plain 2D - ends]
Cinema Snob: That's it? Where the fuck was the 3D?
[Points his finger at the camera]
Cinema Snob: I'm going to point at you to let you know how serious I am right now!

Cinema Snob: Originally, at the end of Part II, Jason's mom's eyes were supposed to open but it was deemed too stupid. I'm glad this one goes the more realistic route by having opening credits pop put of her eyes!

Cinema Snob: We open with Bob of Bob's Burgers knocking over a pole so he can do this:
[the man is shown pointing the pole dangerously close to the camera]
Cinema Snob: [VO as the man] Steady... easy... don't exactly want to hit the camera...

[Bottom half of a man sitting on a toilet comes into view]
Cinema Snob: You know, I am sort of glad that not everything in this movie is thrown at the camera.
[Referring to the crates of Coca Cola lying beside the toilet]
Cinema Snob: And Pepsi paid good money to put Coke next to the guy taking a shit!

Andy (Jeffrey Rogers): What would a weekend in country be without sex?
Cinema Snob: Well, first of all, you would be the movie's survivor.

[Debbie, played by Tracie Savage, mentions her pregnancy]
Cinema Snob: She's pregnant? Well, thanks, movie, now I know that she's gonna survive! Oh, wait... this is an 80s slasher film - she is so dead.


"The Cinema Snob: Death Nurse 2 (#4.7)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: The original film had amazing tuberculosis coughing, ice cream eating, hole digging, surgical video action, and you better believe that the second installment is just as riveting.

Cinema Snob: I will give the film credit, this is the first Nick Phillips movie I've seen that doesn't reuse the opening credits footage from his 1975 film Crimincally Insane. I guess he figured out how to use the text buttons on his giant RCA brick. Or maybe it's just that he used those credits so much that the film finally wore out and dissolved.

Cinema Snob: A social services worker named Sawyer is put in charge of the hospital. Sawyer, huh? There's a joker in that. I'll think of it later.

Nurse Edith: It's good business, Gordon. The patients eat the rats and then the rats eat the patients.
Cinema Snob: What? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Even if the people eat the rats and the rats eat the people, eventually, you're still gonna run out of fucking rats.

Cinema Snob: Right away, we're introduced to new characters in the series. Including this homeless woman named Brownie. Wait a minute, that's the fucking David Lynch-looking woman from the first film! He's reusing his actors? There were at the most, five people in Death Nurse. Are you seriously telling me that this director doesn't have more than 5 fucking friends? Or maybe he does have a shitload of friends, but even they want absolutely no part in Death Nurse 2.

Cinema Snob: There's some weird background sound going on through most of this scene. I can't tell exactly what it is, but it sounds a tad bit like someone off camera tearing up the script.

Cinema Snob: Has Nurse Edith finally met her match?
Nurse Edith: Give me that bag, you dirty old bitch.
Cinema Snob: Oh it's on.

Cinema Snob: Only in the world of Shot on Shitteo can a part 2 round out a quadrilogy.

Cinema Snob: What? Oh come on! Another one of the same fucking actresses again? I don't know where you shot this, but I'm sure there's more than one old lady that you could have used.

Cinema Snob: There's gotta be someone else in here to liven things up. Where's that fucking doctor?

Cinema Snob: [re: Dr. Mortley] Oh for the love of Christ, will someone put him out of his misery already?
[Brownie stabs him]
Cinema Snob: There, he'll thank you in the afterlife. Wait a minute, he lives? If ever I've seen an actor who just wants his character to die, it's this fucking guy. Oh, that's why he didn't die. The weapons are fucking plastic and they're only lightly tapping his body.

Cinema Snob: [in southern drawl] Surprise, surprise, Nurse Rachid.
[in normal voice]
Cinema Snob: There you go, there's a Sawyer joke.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Leprechaun (#3.49)" (2010)
Nostalgia Critic: How do you do that voice?
Cinema Snob: Years of drinking Crystal Pepsi, my friend.

Nostalgia Critic: Cat!
Cinema Snob: Dog!

Cinema Snob: [comes in] Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?
Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Cinema Snob.
Cinema Snob: I'M the Cinema Snob.
Nostalgia Critic: No, I'M the Cinema Snob.
Cinema Snob: No, I'M the Cinema Snob.
[they both inhale and exhale in a low groan]

Cinema Snob: Oh come on, he didn't kill her. She's just a fucking clod.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, what happened to the box?
Cinema Snob: It's okay, he's being looked after by top men.
Nostalgia Critic: Who?
Cinema Snob: Top... Men.

Nostalgia Critic: Just keep the Friends jokes to a minimum.
Cinema Snob: I make no promises.

Cinema Snob: So she runs into one of the house painters, played by Jim Carrey Bacon here.

Nostalgia Critic: I don't even get it, what is he going to do with the gold? It's not like he can just walk into a store and buy a yacht.
Cinema Snob: He'll eBay it.
Nostalgia Critic: What, with gold?
Cinema Snob: He'll cash it in.
Nostalgia Critic: What, dressed like that?
Cinema Snob: He'll get a disguise.
Nostalgia Critic: What kind of disguise?
Cinema Snob: Just shut up, okay?

Leprechaun: Little girls shouldn't look for four leaf clovers.
Cinema Snob: Is that a saying now?

Nostalgia Critic: So the Leprechaun is destroyed, the people are saved, and they never have to fear about seeing him again.
Cinema Snob: That is until the cum-guzzling whore known as the Hollywood sequel takes over and pimps it out like a brothel.

Nostalgia Critic: So that was Leprechaun... I didn't like it.
Cinema Snob: Nope, me neither.

J.D.: Tori, honey, do you really think money is all you need to get by in this life?
Nostalgia Critic, Cinema Snob: Well she IS Jennifer Aniston.


"The Cinema Snob: Friday the 13th Part 2 (#7.29)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: [On the sex scene] There you go, MPAA. This one's for you.
[Jason impales the couple having sex]
Cinema Snob: Funny how that scene was trimmed quite heavily to avoid an X rating
[reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out the Part 2 VHS tape]
Cinema Snob: but a still shot of the scene appears on the back of the box. Do you hear that? It's too much for paying audience to see but perfectly okay for the back of the box that everyone can see!

Mark (Tom McBride): What do you want to play for?
Vickie (Lauren-Marie Taylor): [seductively] Position.
Cinema Snob: [scoffs] Okay, there's signals and then there's "Hey, look over there! That girl with her legs spread-eagle is totally into you."

Cinema Snob: Alice spends most of her time drawing covers for Stephen King's Firestarter.

Cinema Snob: Boy, Crystal lake has grown since the last time we saw it. I hear their Exxon now has a Donkey Kong 3... that not many people are playing.

Paul (John Furey): Among other things, this is bear country and contrary to what everybody hears, bears are dangerous.
Cinema Snob: Okay... why has Jason never fought a bear? Just throwing that out there - it took Lucio Fulci *one movie* to put a shark together with a zombie.

Paul (John Furey): I don't want to scare anyone but I am going to give it to you straight about Jason.
Cinema Snob: He was never intended as the killer but they needed a sequel.

[Crazy Ralph is garroted while spying on the campers]
Cinema Snob: That's what you get for not taking your own damn advice!

Mark (Tom McBride): Motorcycle accident. Paralysed my legs.
Vickie (Lauren-Marie Taylor): Is it permanent?
Mark (Tom McBride): Doctor thinks so. I don't.
Cinema Snob: But doctors tell me that the only cure is a machete to the face.

Cinema Snob: She decides to sexi-fy this scene by putting on a much heavier sweater and poop-brown undies. Ooo-hoo, itchy.

[Ginny kicks Jason in the crotch, he goes down]
Cinema Snob: It's funny seeing the early days when Jason actually had some feeling in between his legs.

[Commenting on the Betsy Palmer cameo via Jason's hallucination]
Cinema Snob: If Betsy Palmer did the first one because she needed a new car, was this one done because she needed new brake-pads?

[Jason's face is revealed]
Cinema Snob: Holy Jeez, he was John Belushi all along?


"The Cinema Snob: Death Nurse (#3.17)" (2009)
Cinema Snob: No, no, no, no, I am not talking about another fucking Nick Phillips movie. There's a reason why I've gone two and a half years without reviewing any of the Crazy Fat Ethel II follow-ups, and for the life of me... it's been so long that I can't think of what that reason is.
["Shot on Shitteo" flashes on screen]
Cinema Snob: Fuck!

Cinema Snob: They're like a fucking sex shop penis extension. They seem longer than they actually are.

Cinema Snob: Urgent care, my ass. That's a fucking house. What's that, Doctor, Miss Roberts' cancer is progressing? Well never fear, let's just send her to that house in the suburbs. What kind of fucking hospital is this?

Cinema Snob: Maybe it would have helped to have an actual doctor on the set, because they keep referring to every medical utensil as a scalpel.
Dr. Mortley: Scalpel. Scalpel. Scalpel.
Cinema Snob: And by the way, none of those are scalpels!

Cinema Snob: I haven't seen this big of a fuck up since Sorority House Massacre II used stock footage from Slumber Party Massacre. I have an idea, when the next Friday the 13th comes out, let's just use stock footage from The Town That Dreaded Sundown.

Cinema Snob: A cop shows up to visit his nephew, but he is turned away by Nurse Edith, so as he's walking away, he smells the bodies in the garage. Caught. Done. It's like they're thinking to themselves, "fuck, should we fight back? Should we let this movie pass the 60 minute mark? Ah, fuck it. We'd be better off in prison than have to finish out this fucking shit." The end! And as fucking awful as that is, there's a fucking sequel!

Cinema Snob: Look, they even used the same fucking sets. And by sets, I mean the director's fucking house. Oh, if these walls could talk, it would be a story of complete mediocrity.

Cinema Snob: In Death Nurse, Alden plays Edith Mortley, nurse to a crazy doctor who specializes in killing his patients for no reason whatsoever.

Cinema Snob: What kind of fucking hospital is this? Well apparently it's the kind that transports tuberculosis patients by simply walking them there. I'm not kidding, this character is supposed to have tuberculosis.
[patients hacks wildly]

Cinema Snob: As you can imagine, the rest of the film is absolutely riveting.
[cut to a minute-long scene of Dr. Mortley eating ice cream]
Cinema Snob: This movie SUCKS.

Cinema Snob: It doesn't even stop there, it just likes to throw in stock footage wherever it damn well pleases. You couldn't find a rat, huh? You couldn't find a fucking rat to shoot in 1987, you had to dig up footage from nineteen seventy-fucking-five?


"The Cinema Snob: Friday the 13th (#7.27)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: Just a little tip. If you hear someone calling out in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm, don't go outside. Just call someone.
[Camera freezes on Snob grimacing]
Announcer: [Music plays] This has been Cowardly Cinema Snob's Tips for Children.

Cinema Snob: We open with a girl on her way to church before acting in this sinful movie.

Cinema Snob: See kids, back then we had to use our payphones in giant hollowed-out cherries.

The Truck Driver (Rex Everhart): In 1962 they was gonna open up, the water was bad.
Cinema Snob: Bad water? Was the killer just really lazy that year and decided to shit in the water? Because I am pretty sure they drink out of the lake anyway!

[the truck driver drops Annie off in front of a cemetery]
Cinema Snob: Well, you're gonna end up here anyway, so might as well drop you off at the cemetery to save you a trip and all.

Cinema Snob: Whoo, whoo! The actress playing Marcie was in The Royal Romance of Charles and Diana with Ray Milland who was in The Last Tycoon with Theresa Russell who was in Wild Things with Kevin Bacon. Yeah!
[Pumps fist in victory]

[Ned shoots arrow at target immediately after Brenda sets it up, scaring her]
Ned (Mark Nelson): Ta-da!
Brenda (Laurie Bartram): Are you crazy?
Cinema Snob: Hey, he is the comic relief. Let him try to kill you so long as it is funny!

Cinema Snob: First they are killing teenagers, now they are kidnapping the music from Psycho? For shame!

[Crazy Ralph comes out of the storeroom where he has been hiding]
Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney): I am the messenger of God!
Cinema Snob: Wonder how in the hell long was he in there? If no one opened that door, was he planning on staying in there all night? Well, at least he picked the room with the food in it so he wouldn't starve to death.

Cinema Snob: People call this place "doomed", "cursed", "Camp Blood"... you know, if it were me... I would still stay, at least I know I would get laid first.

[Jack and Marcie are making out on the bed]
Cinema Snob: Mmm, your tongue is like an arrow piercing through my throat!


"The Cinema Snob: Star Odyssey (#5.6)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Bastard! They destroyed the world's supply of Stock Footage!

Cinema Snob: Enderium... the mineral is called Enderium... That make you happy, James Cameron? You ripped off Star Odyssey!

Cinema Snob: After endearing the Unobtainium... I mean, obtaining the Enderium...

Cinema Snob: [Being interrupted by the final shootout of The Hooker With a Heart Of Gold] I'm sure that will work itself out.

Cinema Snob: The man from the fridge might have claimed that he is the Waffle Maker, but this guy, really IS the Waffle Maker!

Cinema Snob: I strongly believe that George Lucas wrote this.

Cinema Snob: Ha ha ha, they're suicidal, and one's a racist. Thank God there's a couple of characters in here just for the kids.

Cinema Snob: You wanna know the true pisser about this fucking movie? The thing clocks in at roughly an hour and fifteen minutes long, which in Italian rip-off terms might as well be three hours, especially in a movie where I have no idea what the fucking thing is supposed to be about!

Cinema Snob: Is that what I was supposed to be worrying about; whether the lead characters from Heartbeeps were gonna get fucking genitals?

Cinema Snob: Yeah, there's how you set up a sequel: cut the guy off in mid-sentence. It's one thing for no one to claim copyright on a movie, but Star Odyssey is so fucking bad I'm surprised even the Public Domain claims it!


"The Cinema Snob: Grizzly II: The Predator (#5.12)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Most of the movies I watch feature a cast so unknown that not even their blood cells recognize them. I can't imagine what kind of cast this movie has. Wait a minute, George Clooney? Charlie Sheen? Laura Dern? What, Nurse Rachid? The Valley Girl? John Rhys Davies? Charles Cyphers? Great! This is the most recognized cast I've done next to Caligula and no one has fucking seen it!

Cinema Snob: What the fuck was that? Was that supposed to be The Grizzly? Sounds like if a pig's turd could talk and it was dying.

Cinema Snob: Oh, that's why they got lost: the sign is positioned to inform the cameraman of danger. The campers can't even see it.

Chief: A man has been killed by a grizzly. Apparently, a very large one.
Cinema Snob: Killed by a grizzly. A large one. Did you really have to specify that?
[pretends to talk into intercom]
Cinema Snob: Yeah, she was eaten by a shark. A hungry one.

Cinema Snob: Meanwhile, back at the campsite, Charlie Sheen goes off to sleep while George Clooney and Laura Dern have sex. I guess she now knows what it's like to be Jon Cryer.

Cinema Snob: And David Lynch's camera ate them.

Cinema Snob: [after picking up and dropped a box repeatedly in the spirit of Family Guy] This isn't funny!

Cinema Snob: This is what doing The Robot looks like if you have a power strip up your ass. They're just dying to sell me a Fanta.

Cinema Snob: A lot of reasons were given for the movie never being finished. One of which was problems with the animatronic bear. Another reason was that the financier was jailed, and also that the crew was kicked out of Hungary, which is where the movie was being filmed. And many of their possessions were confiscated. That brings up the point, why did this movie have to be filmed in Hungary? What, no woods in the U.S.? And don't give me the excuse of permits. I know a wooded area five minutes from my house that you could film a disaster movie in and no one would notice.

Cinema Snob: [after calling his past self on the phone] Asshole.
[to camera]
Cinema Snob: Paradox!


"The Cinema Snob: Demented Death Farm Massacre (#3.21)" (2009)
Cinema Snob: Yes, yes, I know it's Halloween, and I suppose it's a little weird that I've never actually done a Halloween themed episode of this show. I mean, what am I supposed to do for it? Review a horror movie? I do it all the fucking time.

Cinema Snob: What's that, you ask? I can wear a costume? Touche, voice in my head.

Cinema Snob: The thieves get stuck in... I don't know, Texarcana, the Ozarks, Toilet World, somewhere in the deep south.

Cinema Snob: I would call him a douche, but that would just make your vag smell worse.

Cinema Snob: Reba Sue is so doe-eyed that I'm getting starch ingestion just watching her.

Cinema Snob: Really? You're fighting over this guy? What the fuck? I can't even get zombies to fight over me.

Cinema Snob: How hard is it to start a moonshine business? I've got paint thinner and Windex in the cupboard over there. Done. Moonshine business.

Cinema Snob: And apparently when you hold rednecks hostage, you too turn special needs.

Cinema Snob: [on the original title of Demented Death Farm Massacre] Honey Britches? Honey Britches? Seriously? That's the dumbest fucking title I've ever heard in my life. That's like if you found out that the original title for Fatal Attraction was My Wittle Schmoopy-Woopy-Woopy.

Cinema Snob: [title card: "The lord giveth and the lord taketh away"] Thanks, title card, you don't need to remind me of that. For the lord hath taken away the VCR for my Godfather, yet left me a DVD player for thine Demented Death Farm Massacre.


"The Cinema Snob: Night of Horror (#5.16)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Last year when I was gone this long, I came back with a movie about zombie confederate soldiers. Thank God there's not another one of those.
[show intro begins, showing footage of confederate zombie soldiers]
Cinema Snob: Fuck!

Cinema Snob: Why is this movie told in flashback? Now I know that this guy survives.

Cinema Snob: These two guys are brothers and their goal in this trip is to track down a cabin left to them by their deceased father. Or to get laid.

Cinema Snob: It's one thing to have your movie look like Manos, but to have it paced like Manos as well? You may as well have simply set out to officially remake Manos.

Cinema Snob: [scoffs] That wasn't just one emotion, that was all of the emotions.

Cinema Snob: Even the frames don't care about your dialog.

Cinema Snob: Also, maybe it's just me, but I don't think the RV is moving in these interior shots. No wonder it's taking them so long to get to that cabin.

Cinema Snob: You know why the ghosts aren't showing up? You're putting them to sleep!

Cinema Snob: Goddammit, I can't even fall asleep! This movie is so fucking boring that my urge to sleep has fallen asleep!

Cinema Snob: Be warned though, this ending does lead to the amazing twist that the crew used an overhead light the entire time.


"The Cinema Snob: Bad Movie Cinema Snob: McBain" (2010)
Cinema Snob: This is MY intro. Would you mind doing me the courtesy of shutting the fuck up?

Film Brain: Wait, if you can't stand me, why are you reviewing this with me?
Cinema Snob: Because I like being an asshole. Go figure.

Cinema Snob: I'm too old for this shit.

Cinema Snob: How old were you in 1991, Film Brain?
Film Brain: A couple months to a year.
Cinema Snob: Man, you're making me feel old.

Film Brain: [about Gina Conchita-Alonzo] Gina seems to have disappeared after this movie. Whatever happened to her?
Cinema Snob: Who gives a FUCK?

Cinema Snob: They sneak into the presidential compound by hiding in a limo with two prostitutes. All this is making me think about is how much better a prostitute would be than this movie.

Film Brain: Symbolism!
Cinema Snob: What the hell was that?
Film Brain: That's sorta... sorta my catchphrase.
Cinema Snob: Yeah, it's a catchphrase because it's fucking stupid. Stick with real catchphrases thank you very much.

Film Brain: This is the most offensive thing I've ever seen.
Cinema Snob: I've seen worse.

Film Brain: I'm Mathew Buck, beating down bad movies everywhere.
Cinema Snob: And I'm the Cinema Snob... snobbing... bad movies everywhere.

Film Brain: You were there at Woodstock, weren't you?
Cinema Snob: How fucking old do you think I am?


"The Cinema Snob: Chatterbox (#4.36)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: At least it's better than The Vagina Monologues.
[smiles]
Cinema Snob: And that's the first joke I wrote for this review!

Cinema Snob: Oh, so now it's also got EYES? THIS IS TERRIFYING!

Cinema Snob: So you see? The moral of the story is if you have a great title, your movie will get made. No matter how fucking awful the finished product is.
[cheerful]
Cinema Snob: Well this really bodes well for my unsold screenplay, Card Shark! "When the casino gets flooded, everyone has a full house. Of sharks."

Cinema Snob: Penny here has just discovered that not only can her vagina talk, but it's also a smartass.

Cinema Snob: I wonder if her talking vagina has a beard. What? I'm just asking.

Cinema Snob: Okay, is it just me or is anyone else freaked out by the fact that Virginia's voice sounds like a child? That makes this movie more awkward than if Hitler voiced Pinocchio.

Cinema Snob: So if Penny wants to have sex, but Virginia doesn't... it's like having one Siamese twin that isn't in the mood.

Cinema Snob: Luckily though, her psychiatrist/agent has landed her a spot on The Dating Game. I sure hope this is the episode with the serial killer. At least then this movie will get entertaining. Imagine if this was The Gong Show, it'd show her masturbating with a Popsicle.

Cinema Snob: This may be the first movie I've seen where the movie within the movie is just as fucking awful as the actual fucking movie.


"The Cinema Snob: Black Love (#8.10)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: I'm sure this movie tackles the subject of black love with plenty of dignity and- John Q. Black? What the fuck? Even Trump Turner would say that name is bullshit!

Cinema Snob: This film was commissioned by Chicago businessman Robert L. Smith, who hired H. G. Lewis to direct, to which Lewis used Smith's name as a pseudonym. As if to say, "Yes, I'll direct your sex flick, but I'm blaming this bullshit on you!"

Cinema Snob: [In response to Black Love's first scene] I'm really nervous about a sex documentary that opens in a playground.

Cinema Snob: Yes, it gets more weird.

Cinema Snob: We now return to the worst After School Special ever!

Cinema Snob: [while watching a really lame sex scene in Black Love] This, by the way, is every deleted scene from Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac. If you haven't heard my, or anyone else's review of Nymphomaniac, let me sum it up for you.
[* tilts to one side and farts loudly *]

Cinema Snob: [In response to a nude scene in Black Love] It's a little hard for me to take this seriously when I can see that he's trying not to laugh!

Cinema Snob: [Upon seeing the film switch to a blue/ grey set] I can see they've switched their location to the inside of a glacier.

Cinema Snob: [In response to the film's narrative] You can use all the big words you want, but it's obvious you think your audience is stupid.


"The Cinema Snob: Las Tortugas Pinjas (#5.11)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Oh, so Raphael's a voyeur now? Well that's going to cost him about ten wall flips. I can't show you what he's looking at, there's no subtitles so I don't know what she's saying, but judging by the sound of her voice...
[Audio clip of woman moaning in ecstasy]
Cinema Snob: Mikey, I think she likes it... in the ass.

Cinema Snob: For those of you who are curious the full title for the film is Las Tortugas Mutantes Pinjas, which I think stands for
[shot of naked torso]
Cinema Snob: EEEEEWWW!

Cinema Snob: Fin question mark? Well of course this isn't the end, in the sequel they learn about the "Secret of The Ooze"! Here's a hint...
[stage whisper]
Cinema Snob: It's jism!

Cinema Snob: Oh, they're not really dressed like turtles. They're dressed in cheap dollar-store Ninja Turtles Halloween costumes. Somehow, this is worse. Because that's just what I want to jerk off to: grown men wearing costumes that a child would wear!

Cinema Snob: The movie gets the balls rolling rather quick as a Foot Soldier gets molested by the Tricera-tits here for some reason.

Cinema Snob: They don't even look like turtles; they look like Superman after being raped.

Cinema Snob: So what kinda dick does she like, regular or menthol?

Cinema Snob: Now that's a look that says, "yep, I'm getting kidnapped, but I'm also gonna get fucked," and she does. Hey lady, you might wanna watch where you point that gun, I've seen where it's been. I'm not kidding, she 44'd her Dirty Harry.


"The Cinema Snob: Zombi 7: Zombie '90 - Extreme Pestilence (#4.40)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: You can't say Special Forces with that kind of dubbing, because then I'm gonna expect Pierre Kirby and General Carpom to show up! And when they don't, I'm going to be pretty fucking disappointed!

Cinema Snob: Hmm. Nice to see what Handsome Tom and 8-Bit Mickey were up to during the early nineties.

Cinema Snob: When you take a look at this doctor, wouldn't you think "voice like a Southern black man"?

Cinema Snob: Were these dub actors on loan from the Godfrey Howe studios? This doctor is like listening to Chris Rock dub Brent Hume! And the other guy sounds like fucking Clint Howard!

Cinema Snob: Great. Now the movie serves as a possible warm-up to Uwe Boll's Blubberella!

Cinema Snob: And thank God for this dream sequence, because we finally get to see a "Violent Shit," even though this isn't a fucking Violent Shit movie!

Cinema Snob: Nice job dubbers for making this guy sound like a child molester!


"The Cinema Snob: Sleepaway Camp (#6.14)" (2012)
Cinema Snob: You are sued. So fucking sued!

Cinema Snob: Joan Crawford's tampon doesn't overact this much.

Cinema Snob: Oh fuck me, he's a diddler.

Meg: By the way, for those of you who don't know. My name is Meg. M-E-G.
Cinema Snob: C-U-N-T, got it.

Cinema Snob: This character is so dead that her character should be classified as suicidal by this point.

Cinema Snob: That's a dick!


"The Cinema Snob: Nudist Colony of the Dead (#4.3)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Will you STOP doing that? I'd rather go jerk off to a garbage bag full of maggots and naked photos of Margaret Thatcher.

Cinema Snob: Oh just go ahead and throw in a Rocky reference. You know you wanna.
Billy McRighteous: The Bible says 'he who turneth the other cheek, needeth more toilet paper'. Jeremiah Chapter 2, verse 5, Rocky 4.
Cinema Snob: I wish the Bible had the Rocky movies in it. Then at least I wouldn't be here watching this fucking movie. I'd be at my local church listening to Monseignor T.

Cinema Snob: God. You really CAN make a zombie movie out of any fucking location on the planet. Seriously, you wanna make a zombie flick? All you have to do is just name the movie after whatever locale the movie takes place and then just add "of the dead" after it. Or, if you're feeling really rebellious, you can even extend it to "of the living dead".

Cinema Snob: [his leg begins tapping to the music] Stop. Don't do it. Don't fuckin' do it.

Cinema Snob: Of course, once you take a shit, then stick it back up your ass, and shit again, it's still not gonna taste good on a cracker.

Cinema Snob: Oh, now what the fuck is going on here? A rap?


"The Cinema Snob: Porno Holocaust (#1.1)" (2007)
Cinema Snob: Porno Holocaust is the worst fucking movie I've ever seen in my life.

Cinema Snob: Shit is shit no matter what country the ass is from.

Cinema Snob: Let me just run through the first part of the movie with you. Four minutes in: talking. Ten minutes in: fucking. Thirteen minutes: talking. Fifteen minutes: fucking. Twenty minutes: talking. Twenty two minutes: fucking. Twenty nine minutes: talking, and that just barely counts because seconds later they ease right into the fucking. It takes them a whole 40 fucking minutes to get them onto this damn island, and the tedium doesn't stop there. That's right, more talking and fucking.

Cinema Snob: Obviously, I can't show you what the zombie does to the woman, but let's just say... he sticks his dick in her mouth and chokes her to death.

Cinema Snob: If I want erotic cinema, I'll stick with Bertolucci's Last Tango in Paris, thank you very much.


"The Cinema Snob: Staying Alive (#9.29)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: [On the freeze-frames] Some of these freeze-frames are just awkward. Oh, no, he's been shot!
[Cuts to a freeze-frame of a woman lifting her leg]
Cinema Snob: Ooof, what do I do about this rash?
[Cuts to a freeze-frame of a man jumping]
Cinema Snob: Aah! Aah! A mouse!
[Cuts to a freeze-frame of Tony]
Cinema Snob: Either he's been shot again or he's the poster for Platoon!

Cinema Snob: Staying Alive also features more songs by the Bee Gees. They're the ones you don't own on 8-track.
[Holds up 8-track tape of the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack; laughs]
Cinema Snob: That's right, I own the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack on 8-track!
[laughs]
Cinema Snob: You have my permission to think I'm cool now.

Cinema Snob: [On the scene where Tony bumps into Sylvester Stallone on the street] Oh, my god! I just met Alfred Hitchcock!

Joy: Hi, I'm Joy.
Tony Manero: I'm Happiness.
[laughs]
Cinema Snob: [Angrily] YOU, OUT!

Cinema Snob: Tony has a scene with his mother in the only scene that really does feel like a sequel to Saturday Night Fever in which Tony tries to make amends for all the assholey things he's done in the past. Granted it's weird that Laura dumping him gave him this realization and not Annette being raped or Bobby committing suicide! The scene is even kinda funny when his mom tells him it's okay to be a bastard 'cause that's what got him out of the house! Just like I shouldn't apologize for being an asshole. It's what made me popular on the Internet.


"The Cinema Snob: Pink Flamingos (#5.24)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: If this movie had any less of a point, it'd be a sphere!

Edie: What do you mean Humpty Dumpty was an egg? How can a person be an egg, Cotton? How can a person be an egg?
Cinema Snob: Congratulations. It's the first exploitation movie for five-year-olds. This is the movie equivalent of trying to entertain me by dangling keys in front of my face.

Edie: But is it true, Babs? If there weren't any chickens, there wouldn't be any eggs? Is that true?
Divine/Babs Johnson: [chuckles] I suppose so, Mama. But there will always be chickens. You can be sure of that.
Edie: But suppose someday it happens? Suppose someday there weren't any chickens. Oh, Babs What could I possibly do?
Cinema Snob: This is not the sign of a good exploitation movie if the conversation you were having would make just as much sense if you were talking to Elmo.

Sandy Sandstone: You're a real cunt, you know that? A real fucking cunt! How can you be so shitty to people? How can you stand yourself?
Cinema Snob: I'd wash this movie's mouth out with soap, but I'd rather give this bar of soap a more dignified death, like scrubbing my asshole!

Crackers: Their bedroom. Their fuck chamber itself.
Divine/Babs Johnson: Oh, this is where they mate, Crackers. Right here on this very bed. This is where they touch their uninspired little organs together, vainly trying to charge their worn-out battery of filthiness.
Cinema Snob: I know. They're so gross right?
[pause]
Cinema Snob: You're gonna fuck your son, aren't you?


"The Cinema Snob: Anthropophagus (#6.2)" (2012)
Cinema Snob: I just ate a fucking fetus!

Cinema Snob: Okay gentlemen, you can finish filming your Sacha Baron Cohen film later. This movie has places to go, and fast!

Cinema Snob: This movie even comes with subtitles! Proper subtitles, rather; so I can't add in my smart-ass fake ones. Pah!
[adds the subtitle "Bugger!"]

Herbert: Dear Cinema Snob; I'm writing to express my concern about telling your audience to call their girlfriends a "Hot-pussied little whore." I tried it out on my girlfriend, to which she promptly stuck a broom up my ass, and forced me to sweep the kitchen floor.
Cinema Snob: Oh well there's your problem; you gotta pay them before you call them a "hot-pussied little whore"!
Herbert: P.S. Giovanni Lombardo Rivice is awesome!
Cinema Snob: That he is, my friend. After all, he was in Gangs of New York, and that was a Martin Scorsese film.

Cinema Snob: He looks like if Gallagher turned into one of his watermelons, and then smashed himself!


"The Cinema Snob: Geek Maggot Bingo (#5.14)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: You realize it would have been cheaper just to throw a DUMMY off the cliff!

Cinema Snob: Maybe the title even goes on from there! "The Freak From Suckweasel Mountain, And Love The Bomb Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!

Cinema Snob: The Rawhide Kid has a bit of luck, because the monster is randomly struck by lightning! I guess because he walked longer as Mr. Hyde than he did as Dr. Jekyll!

Cinema Snob: Are you happy, movie? Your BADNESS killed your actor!

Cinema Snob: And that's the end of Geek Maggot Bingo!
[laughs a little]
Cinema Snob: What the hell? Where do I start? Where do I finish? What the FUCK do I even need to say about this?


"The Cinema Snob: Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws (#3.2)" (2009)
Cinema Snob: What's this? "Jaws movie"? One of the sequels, I suppose? I guess I could knock one of these, but which one do I make fun of? Jaws 3: Jaws vs. Giant Sea World Commercial, or Jaws: The Revenge: Jaws vs. Michael Caine's Futuristic, Self-Drying Shirt?

Cinema Snob: My eyes are not deceiving me, that says Jaws 5!

Cinema Snob: Enter in the shark expert, who is supposed to be like Matt Hooper, but looks more like a Matt Damon/Matt Stone hybrid.

Cinema Snob: There's a Brody-esque sheriff, and I say Brody-esque because he's nothing like Brody.

Cinema Snob: You wanna see something happen to the little girl, don't you?


"The Cinema Snob: Mother's Day (#2.10)" (2008)
Cinema Snob: And when I say they yammer about bullshit, they yammer about bullshit. However, the topic of bullshit may be a step up for them.

Cinema Snob: All I have to say about this scene is: Tommy James, how could you?

Cinema Snob: You know, if I wanna watch sex in the city, I'll fucking watch Sex and the City. And I fucking hate Sex in the City. I do not need that show crossed with Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III.

Cinema Snob: There's a gang rape scene where the mother makes her sons have sex with one of the girls while the other two girls watch from upstairs. Sure, that sounds like it could be a little disturbing, but seeing as how the scene has the mother making the girl wear a Shirley Temple outfit and it includes dialogue like this
[excerpt of one of the hillbillies yelling at an invisible dog]
Cinema Snob: You might as well have named the movie Forrest Gump's The Girl Next Door.

Cinema Snob: [about the movie] I guess it isn't the worst, but that's like asking which is worse, drowning or burning? Either way, it's gonna hurt.


"The Cinema Snob: The House by the Cemetary (#9.8)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: Honestly, I think they should be called The Trilogy of Doing Fucked Up Shit to Catherine MacColl.

Cinema Snob: If the house is a person, then the basement is an ass with the runs. You don't wanna go down there.

Cinema Snob: Oh, piss off, Bob!

Cinema Snob: Dammit, Fulci, kill the kid!

Cinema Snob: But I need to know why the monster was crying. Did he stub his toe? Does his diaper need changing? These are the kinds of answers that the movie doesn't provide, people.


"The Cinema Snob: Ilsa, the Wicked Warden (#8.8)" (2014)
Abbie: It began to flop and grow large, and then he touched me. It was impossible to resist.
[Snob puts his hand down his pants]
Abbie: It just happened. I don't know how. The weather was so hot.
[Snob unbuttons his shirt]
Pablo: How old was the first one?
Abbie: I don't know. Ten or more.
Cinema Snob: [Snob quickly retracts his hands] Aah! Dammit, stop fucking with me!

No. 14: Stop crying. After all, she kept her word. She may not be such a bitch, she'll help you.
Cinema Snob: Oh yeah, other than she made me use my tongue as toilet paper, she's just darling.

Cinema Snob: The kids love me.

Juana: Lick my boots now. I mean it.
Cinema Snob: At least she's not making her lick...
Juana: Wipe my culo!
Cinema Snob: [after a pause] Go on.
[as Abbie wipes, it makes the sound of folding paper]
Cinema Snob: That's the sound that that makes? Is she taking her vagina and making origami out of it?
Juana: Lick my culo.
Cinema Snob: Stop calling it that. It makes me think you're talking about a chocolate bar. Which, I dunno, may not be that far off.

Juana: I told you to scrub my culo!
Cinema Snob: That's prison talk for... something really unfortunate, probably.


"The Cinema Snob: Black Is Beautiful (#9.33)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: Are we gonna get to the sex or what? I'm holding my dick out for a reason, and it's not to take notes.

Cinema Snob: Or, if you don't want to blow your load too soon, just think of this guy's ass. Or wear these masks in the bedroom.

Cinema Snob: Whoa, looks like your cuts are premature ejaculating. Quick, urinate on the film.

Cinema Snob: I lost a goat once. It was very sad, but thank God I had an ass to fuck.

Cinema Snob: Was it necessary to frame this in a way that makes the map look like a shriveled penis?


"The Cinema Snob: Criminally Insane (#6.19)" (2012)
[on the opening credits to "Criminally Insane"]
Cinema Snob: It's starting to look less like blood, and more like a clown came on the film.

Dr. Gerard: Your granddaughter's case is a very strange one, Mrs. Janowski. Severe paranoid manifestations, long days of depression, violent outbursts...
Cinema Snob: Oooh, she's being diagnosed as a cinema snob.

Cinema Snob: Ethel, what are you doing? You killed your grocery store supplier! Now the only person to bring you food is this guy!
[still frame of Ronald McDonald]
Cinema Snob: And he might rape your children!

[Rosalie's pimp boyfriend slaps her at regular speed, and again in a slo-mo shot]
Cinema Snob: Thank you for showing me that in a slow motion instant replay! I was questioning whether or not this guy was a dick!

Cinema Snob: Wait a minute. I think I know what this movie is missing now.
[the theme from "That Girl" plays as Ethel Janowski runs through the cemetery in a long, flowing red dress]
Cinema Snob: Heh-Heh! Swingin'.


Suburban Knights (2011) (V)
Cinema Snob: [about Indiana Jones] He survived a nuclear explosion by hiding inside of a fridge, if that ain't fantasy I don't know what is.

Cinema Snob: This is silly.

Cinema Snob: Say, you didn't lose the map in the battle, did you?
The Spoony One: Ha! What sort of half-baked wizard do you take me for?
Cinema Snob: Do you really want me to answer that?
The Spoony One: No!

Cinema Snob: Hi there! We represent "The Broadway Better Business Players For a Brighter Tomorrow". We are trying to start up a petition to get second rate shows taken off the marquee, and with your help we can stop Mamma Mia! from ever playing again.

Angry Joe: Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my hamster...
Todd in the Shadows: Father.
Cinema Snob: That's not even a person!


"The Cinema Snob: Ghosts Can't Do It (#9.22)" (2015)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: We'll get to the badness of this movie in a bit, but first things first, the title confuses the shit out of me. This is a 1989 movie called "Ghosts Can't Do It" when two years prior in 1987, it was already proven that "Ghosts *Can* Do It" and I take that one more seriously. The "Can" is in all capital letters. Now how am I supposed to know whether ghosts can fornicate or not? Well, whether they can or can't, a ghost could sure as shit make a movie better than "Ghosts Can't Do It". A romance so bad, it makes "Moment by Moment" look like every other romance ever because they are all better than "Ghosts Can't Do It".

Cinema Snob: Fuck this movie, fuck these jokes, and fuck these scene transitions!

Scott: [to Katie] Now shoulders back! Straight back! Stand taaaaaall! Titties out!
Cinema Snob: Please, be respectful. It's *chesticles* out.

Cinema Snob: [after the movie ends] Wow! Wow! Wow, wow, wibble, wobble, wazzie, woodle, what the fuck?


"The Cinema Snob: Crime of the Age (#10.16)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Move over, Agatha Christie.

Cinema Snob: This detective making someone a better Christian is like a Big Mac making someone a better vegan!

Cinema Snob: The movie takes place at Bible camp and a detective has been called in to investigate a horrible crime before the camp opens.
Director: Thank you for coming, detective. Thank you for coming. This is terrible. Just terrible. It's the worst thing that's ever happened at Bible camp.
Cinema Snob: Neither Angela Baker or Jason Voorhees are in attendance at your camp. Truly the crime can't be that bad. So what is the crime?
Director: I came in this morning and everything looked fine, but when I got over to my desk, I noticed it. The book was gone.
Detective: The book was gone?
Director: The book was gone.
Cinema Snob: Was the book gone? Is the book gone? Are you sure the book is gone? Please tell me the book isn't gone. So a stolen book is the worst thing to happen at your camp? I'd say this is the most successful summer camp ever put on film. There is, however, a clue.
Detective: And you didn't notice anything else move or out of place except...
Detective: [pointing to a carrot on the floor] ... that carrot?
Cinema Snob: Great. So Bugs Bunny stole your book. Case closed. These two look old enough to play teenagers in any of the Christiano brothers' other films. The stolen book could only mean one thing.
Detective: Director, do you know what this could mean?
Director: No, what?
Detective: One of your staff members... might not be a Christian.
Director: No!
Detective: Yes.
Cinema Snob: Oh, heaven forbid! Is it a slow day at the police force? Shouldn't you be investigating murders?
Detective: This is no small matter we're dealing with here. We're not talking about trespassing, robbery, or even murder. We're dealing with a crime much more serious than that.
Cinema Snob: Oh, forgive me. I forgot that the camp director's stolen Christian book is a worse crime than fucking murder!

Nurse: Too bad about the book.
Detective: Yes. It's a terrible crime.
Cinema Snob: No, murder is a terrible crime despite the movie telling me that a stolen book is worse.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Kickassia Part 6: All the Really Bad Shit Happens (#3.26)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Weren't you Dr. Insano?
The Spoony One: Eh, I got better.

Nostalgia Critic: Cinema Snob, how dare you return from your banishmentdome.
Cinema Snob: That was the old order. This is the new order.
Nostalgia Critic: New order?
Cinema Snob: Yes, one that's been coming to you for a long time.

Nostalgia Chick: I am the new ruler of Kickassia, and there's gonna be some new rules around here.
[laughs maniacally]
Cinema Snob: [takes hat from her] Excuse me, but it was my insight that overthrew this government. So I think it should be I taking over as acting president.
[laughs maniacally]
Linkara: [takes hat from him] Bad news, I'm afraid. Since I'm the one who orchestrated this operation, it's obviously I who should be president.
[laughs maniacally]

Nostalgia Critic: [holding a detonation device] Need I remind you that there are twenty tons of dynamite under this nation?
Cinema Snob: Uh, joke's on you, moron. I disconnected the dynamite after I left. You push that thing and nothing happens.
Nostalgia Critic: I don't believe you! I push this button and we all get blown SKY HIGH!
[everyone just stares at him]
Nostalgia Critic: Very well. For the honor and all of KICKASSIA!
[the Critic pushes a button on the device, but nothing happens; he becomes quite nervous]
Nostalgia Critic: [weakly] ... Kaboom!
[suddenly, he screams as everyone rushes him and starts beating him to a pulp]


"The Cinema Snob: A Clockwork Orgy (#5.21)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: The hell? Did she fuck him so hard it put him in a wheelchair? Eh, worth it.

Cinema Snob: Is it really such a problem in this futuristic society that citizens roam around having consensual sex with each other? This future's so bright I've got to wear Trojans!

Cinema Snob: Okay, now I think you're confusing a Clockwork Orange spoof with a Caligula spoof.

Cinema Snob: Oh yeah, Gene Kelly's second-most popular song! Let me guess, they're going to replace Beethoven with "On Top of Spaghetti"


"The Cinema Snob: Nukie (#5.39)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: ...you can't convince me that George Lucas didn't write this movie!

Cinema Snob: Never thought I'd be so glad to be back in the deserts of Africa. Will something hilarious happen, please?
[one of the children is struck by a cobra]
Cinema Snob: HA!

Nukie: I have an idea! If we can't walk, we can fly together!
Cinema Snob: [dripping with hate] You don't FUCKING say!

Cinema Snob: Good thing I reviewed this movie on hump day, because I feel like I just got fucked!


"The Cinema Snob: The Expendables (#4.27)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: A movie that contains the legendary action heroes of our youth, along with the best action heroes of current cinema. And Steve Austin.

Cinema Snob: This is The Expendables, not Full Metal Jacket! There will be no sucky-sucky in this movie.

Cinema Snob: Holy crap, they blew the moonlight right out of that scene!

Cinema Snob: It's like listening to Skippy from Family Ties on his period.


"The Cinema Snob: Pussy Talk (#5.2)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Why do I have the feeling someone is now going to fuck a horse in this movie?

Cinema Snob: Since this is the dub version, this means YOU'RE the English!

Cinema Snob: Is that the soundtrack or some annoying kids on a fucking plane?


"The Cinema Snob: Rape Squad (#6.7)" (2012)
Mrs. Snob: This doesn't look like John Travolta and Lily Thompson about to have sex...
Cinema Snob: Well thank God for that, but seriously: the fuck?

Mrs. Snob: It's Valentine's Day, how did a movie called Rape Squad get a higher priority?
Cinema Snob: Have you seen my show for the last five years? We're lucky they didn't send an actual rape squad.

Cinema Snob: [during a scene where several men in hockey masks are in a line-up] You know, there's probably an easier way to pick Kane Hodder out of a lineup.


"The Cinema Snob: Impulse, Starring William Shatner! (#1.9)" (2007)
Cinema Snob: [In reference to Shatner's pimp outfit] I knew The 70's were 70's but I didn't realize they were that 70's.

Cinema Snob: Unfortunately Shatner did not count on the widow's terror of a daughter named Tina. Yes, the plot claims that Shatner is the movie's villain but I contest that the true villain of Impulse is Tina. What a fucking brat. She makes Bart Simpson look like the spawn of Ozzie and Harriet.
[Puts hand in mouth]
Cinema Snob: Ugh! Someone kill this girl! Kill her now! Stab her in the fucking heart!
Tina: It slipped.

Cinema Snob: Look at her face. She looks like she's 40.
[Tina screams and falls downstairs]
Cinema Snob: Yeah, there we go. Push her down the fucking stairs. Fucking bitch. I hope your fucking neck is broken.


"The Cinema Snob: Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (#9.42)" (2015)
Mr. Crabtree: Her face will launch a thousand products. Everything from T-shirts to coffee mugs. After that... TV appearances.
Cinema Snob: [as though hypnotized] Must... buy... Grumpy... Cat... shit.
[Snaps himself out of it and responds angrily]
Cinema Snob: Have we blown the top of the meta-thermometer yet?

Cinema Snob: How invested can I be in this if it's constantly asking me to do other things on the computer? Like if it's about a Sharknado or something? I'm losing interest, movie!
Grumpy Cat: [In a dream sequence] Come to me, Crystal. You are powerless to resist me. Meow.
Cinema Snob: [as though hypnotized] Must... meme... cat!
[as the captions form around Lloyd]
Cinema Snob: "Something, something, something... seriously?"

Cinema Snob: I'm just saying that Lloyd's worst Christmas would be a snuff film.
Lloyd: Meow.
Cinema Snob: [Grunts] A very short snuff film. He's very murderous!


"The Cinema Snob: Old Fashioned (#10.1)" (2016)
Cinema Snob: Fuck this movie and fuck its how-to guide to live alone and die alone!

Cinema Snob: And why in God's name would you invite Clay of all people to your bachelor party?
Clay: [after turning off the music and walks over to David] David, David. Don't do this.
[Turns to Brad]
Clay: Open the door.
Brad: You kidding me?
Clay: Open that door!
Cinema Snob: Dude, this isn't your party! Sit down and shut the fuck up!

Clay: How many sexual partners have you had in the last ten years?
Cinema Snob: Oh, I had five.
[Holds up hand and counts down until his middle finger is exposed]
Cinema Snob: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John
[flips the middle finger at the camera]
Cinema Snob: and fuck off with that question!


"The Nostalgia Critic: BloodRayne (#7.27)" (2014)
[Cinema Snob comes in and joins the gang, hands covered in blood]
Cinema Snob: Guys, guys! Holy shit, you won't believe it! I just killed a vampire!
The Spoony One: Was it a 'Nazi' vampire?
Cinema Snob: Well, technically, no, but...
Nostalgia Critic: Oh please, Cinema Snob. Everybody knows that Nazi vampires are all the rage now.
Linkara: Yeah, what you did is like the Bing search engine of vampire killings.
Cinema Snob: But he killed a family of six!
The Spoony One: [snobbish voice] Go away, Cinema Snob. I can't even stand to look at you.
[the three of them turn their heads away from him]
Cinema Snob: Okay... I guess I can drop his clothes off at the Goodwill or something.
The Spoony One: You do that.
[Linkara waves Cinema Snob off]
Nostalgia Critic: Noob.

[Cinema Snob comes back in, now having his face covered in blood]
Cinema Snob: Guys, guys! I just decapitated twenty corpses and stabbed an injured woman through the chest. No reason, really; I'm just kinda sick!
The Spoony One: Were they ninja decapitated corpses?
Cinema Snob: I didn't ask what their martial arts background was.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, Snob. Everyone knows if there's decapitated corpses we're talking about, it's NINJA decapitated corpses!
Linkara: Does this guy ever wake up?
The Spoony One: They sneak without thought, man!
Cinema Snob: But I have a thirst for blood that can't be quenched!
The Spoony One: [snobbish voice] Away with you, Snob. You become more dated with every passing view.
[the guys turn their heads away from him]
Cinema Snob: Why won't someone help me?
[Linkara pushes him off the couch]

[Cinema Snob, still covered in blood, sits before the fortune teller]
Cinema Snob: It's getting worse. I just bit the neck of a prostitute and no one seems to notice.
Fortuneteller: Was it a zombie prostitute?
Cinema Snob: What the Hell is wrong with everyone?


"The Cinema Snob: Cinema Snob Atop the Fourth Wall: Bimbos B.C." (2011)
Dr. Insano: Ugh... why do people always want to hit me? Aaaah!
[Gets hit by a comic thrown by the Snob]
Cinema Snob: I feel power that I've never felt before...

Linkara: Ever think the characters on our shows are kinda weird?
Cinema Snob: Yes.

Linkara: Space Lancer Steve?
Cinema Snob: What're you looking at me for? He was your fucking idea.


"The Cinema Snob: Fun in Balloon Land (#8.39)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: This movie is a whole lot of fuckin' nope!

Cinema Snob: Stop fuckin' the balloons!

Cinema Snob: "Fun in Balloon Land" is supposed to be a kids movie that makes use of leftover parade balloons, but it's more like something a pedophile films in his basement after he lures in children with candy!


"The Cinema Snob: Hitler: Dead or Alive (#5.28)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: The movie stars popular character actor Ward Bond presumably because he's the closest actor they could find whose name sounds a little like war bond.

[last lines]
Cinema Snob: Ward Bond shot down an airplane, shaved Hitler, and called him "toots". This was a good week.

[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Say boys, who wants to help me give Hitler a knuckle sammich?


To Boldly Flee (2012) (V)
Luke Mochrie: You really think our time is at its end?
Cinema Snob: The world is changing, kid. The internet is changing. Even if we survive this witch hunt, we can't chase the Zeitgeist forever.

The Nostalgia Critic: Oh come on, when have I ever lied to any of you guys?
JesuOtaku: [runs in excitedly] Oh my god you guys, I won a car!
[beat]
JesuOtaku: I don't check my mail that often.
The Nostalgia Critic: Cinema Snob, fill her in.
Cinema Snob: Alright, you're gonna LOVE this...

The Nostalgia Critic: Cinema Snob, can we fire back?
Cinema Snob: Um... according to this little red light that means "no"... uh... no.


"The Cinema Snob: Bushwhacked (#10.31)" (2016)
Cinema Snob: Once again, Max does what any sane person would do: He super-glues the man's hand to the steering wheel. That isn't very nice at all! He could seriously injure that man!
[Snob inserts gag where he makes it look like Max shot the scout leader]
Cinema Snob: JESUS CHRIST!
Bumper: Bushwhacked!

[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Oh, boy! With "Suicide Squad" having a record breaking opening weekend, that means I have to do something "Suicide Squad" related on the site and since I actually have a copy of the movie "Suicide Squad", this will be the first time on the show that I'm talking about a movie that's currently in theaters! Let's give this a watch!

Cinema Snob: [referring to Max Grabelski] He doesn't know what beehives are?


"The Cinema Snob: Blood Rage (#5.43)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Did I just watch the original Let's Play?

Cinema Snob: The only difference between these two movies is that in Blood Rage, I don't get to see Body By Jake acting like a fucking nutbar!

Cinema Snob: Hey! He just did you a favor - he stopped you from drinking a whole thing of Old Style!


"The Cinema Snob: Badi (#5.37)" (2011)
[an advertisement plays with the movie "Badi"]
Cinema Snob: Why yes, the movie does make me want to have phone sex. How did you know?

Cinema Snob: Good thing they're flying away now, as the town looks like it's been hit with extreme radiation.

[at the end of the movie, the word "Son" appears on screen]
Cinema Snob: I am not your fucking son.


"The Cinema Snob: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (#10.9)" (2016)
Cinema Snob: So how did Superman IV turn out? I'm reviewing it on this show! How do you think it turned out?

Clark Kent: [Reading a letter] I don't care if everybody thinks I'm a space cadet. Once you've destroyed all the nuclear missiles in the world they'll see I was right. Superman can make sure we don't blow ourselves up quick and easy.
Cinema Snob: That is unless you're in a 7-11 when Superman blows it up by flying Zod into it!
[laughing]
Cinema Snob: I'm sorry! Am I making fun of a movie you like?


"The Cinema Snob: Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (#10.38)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Time to close out this year's Musical March in September with what else? A sequel to "Breakin". Oh my God. There's a sequel to "Breakin"? What's it called? "Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo"?

Cinema Snob: The film wasn't exactly showered with praise by critics, but it did get some positive notes from Roger Ebert and from Armond White, who called the film "superb". Well, that makes sense, seeing how Armond White is a faker critic than I am.


"The Cinema Snob: Satan's School for Girls (#4.33)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: He was a dissolve cut all along!
[camera pans down]
Cinema Snob: ... and he pooped.

Cinema Snob: Fine, fine, I'll have sex with you twenty-year-old schoolgirls.


"The Cinema Snob: Dangerous Men (#10.45)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Well, we've had Patreon poll episodes, but now we have our very first Patreon contributor episode. If you're a top contributor at W W W dot Patreon dot com slash the Cinema Snob, you get to suggest a movie for me to review on the show, so a big special thanks to contributor Jeffrey for not only his contribution, but for also suggesting to me what is sure to be top-tier quality cinematic entertainment.

Biker: There's nothin' I'd rather see than your balls wrapped around your tonsils and that's exactly what BP's gonna do to you.
[he laughs]
Cinema Snob: What the fuck? I thought BP was trying to change its image.


"The Cinema Snob: Ninja Champion (#8.9)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: I can't tell if the movie is censoring itself or if the cameraman just came all over the lens.

Cinema Snob: Now she whips the hell out of him for daring to insult her acid nipples.


"The Cinema Snob: The Legend of the Lone Ranger (#7.23)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: [Opening lines] Woo-hoo. Looks like Disney had a more disappointing weekend than a fireworks enthusiast who blew off only three of his fingers instead of four.
[Shows clips from the 2013 Lone Ranger movie]
Cinema Snob: With an estimated budget of around 250 million dollars, 2013's The Lone Ranger came in far behind the weekend's number one film Despicable Me 2 whose five-day total came to 142 million at the box office while The Lone Ranger trailed far behind with only 48 million.
[Snickers]
Cinema Snob: Ouch. It looks like we got that John Carter sequel after all.

Cinema Snob: Although I believe I am forgetting about the main reason why this film works better than the newer one and that is that at least this film is 93 minutes and not TWO AND A HALF GODDAMN HOURS!
[Grunts and gets up from his chair]
Merle Haggard: [William Tell Overture plays as the end credits start rolling] He learned the wisdom of the forest. He learned the ways of the wind.
Cinema Snob: [Peeking around the corner] Um, the movie and the review are both over! Stop talking!


"The Cinema Snob: Italian Batman (#5.4)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: We all certainly remember the classic Danny Elfman Batman theme! Yeah! This isn't it!
[zany music plays during the film's opening credits]

Cinema Snob: There's only one way to know for sure that it's Mark Shannon... just look for the genital warts.
[Audio from a sex scene in the movie begins to play off-screen]
Cinema Snob: I'm not even kidding here; Mark Shannon is the Italian porn star with the Wicked Witch of the West as his balls.
[Snob starts watching the off-screen film]
Cinema Snob: Let's see... yep: one, two, three, four... five. Five genital warts.
[Lightning strikes, and the Snob laughs a la The Count from Sesame Street]
Cinema Snob: AH-AH-AH-ah, that's disgusting.


"The Cinema Snob: The Penetrator (#9.20)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: [after a scene in which Ron Jeremy's character stares at a girl's butt for several minutes] The hell was that? The fate of the world is in your penis. There will be time to look at straight ass later. In fact, part of your mission is getting laid. You will have sex very soon.

Cinema Snob: [getting a pop-up ad on a porn site] Oh my God, Anna is 3.4 miles away and has sent me a fuck request? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to fuck her. The only option is to click "yes."


"The Cinema Snob: The Star Wars Holiday Special (#9.43)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: Brought to you by General Motors, because after this, you'll want to get hit by a car.

Cinema Snob: You didn't trust him cause he farted?


"The Cinema Snob: The New York Ripper (#9.28)" (2015)
Williams: Don't be a dumb bitch, you know what I mean.
Cinema Snob: Jesus Christ, dude, you're the hero of this movie. The least you could do is be respectful toward the prostitute you're cheating on your wife with.

Cinema Snob: Maybe it would be more helpful if you said he had the biggest moose knuckle you've ever seen.


"The Cinema Snob: Elves (#5.45)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Merry Christmas, the Nazis win.

Santa: I said oral.
[girl attacks him]
Cinema Snob: No, no, he was just asking if you wanted Moral Orel on DVD.


"The Cinema Snob: The Burning Hell (#10.33)" (2016)
Estus W. Pirkle: Let's take a look at Dives a thousand years after he's been in hell.
Cinema Snob: Or let's not.

Man: In spite of what the critics and the pseudointellectuals have to say about the subject of hell...
Cinema Snob: [imitating him] I personally didn't think "Suicide Squad" was that bad.


"The Cinema Snob: Going Bananas (#10.14)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Hey, ever wonder what "Nukie" would be like if it didn't have Nukie in it? Spoiler alert! It's still fucking terrible!

Cinema Snob: [after the movie ends] So... I hated *that* movie.


"The Cinema Snob: Gross Out (#6.23)" (2012)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: OK... you know... this is the first time I'm gonna do this, but... you don't *have* to watch this video. I... I *had* to watch this movie. That's-that's just what I do, but you... you have a choice... and remember I had no warnings in front of "Nekromantik", "Pink Flamingos" or "Salò", but this one... if at any time you feel the need to shut this off... good! Good! Bravo! You've taken the high road. Me? Not so much! I watched... this whole... fucking movie! This whole... movie and don't give me that hipster douchey attitude of "Oh, Snob, it wasn't that bad. I've seen far worse." No! No! It *is* that bad! It *is* that bad!

Cinema Snob: If you guessed that the next scene involves eating zits off someone's face, first of all, you're right and second of all, how the hell did you guess that? The scene doesn't have anything to do with anything!


"The Cinema Snob: Shock! Shock! Shock! (#7.22)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: This movie can't even afford water.

Cinema Snob: As you can see, I've invented Alka Seltzer. I just need to hire someone for a jingle, right now I'm stuck on plop plop, fizz, fizz, more of a relief than jizz.


"The Cinema Snob: Caligula: Part I (#4.28)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Trivia note: McDowell actually ad-libbed the bit with the flower, and it's kind of amazing watching the gears work in his head as it hits him to do that to this actor. I think it was right about... here.
[Shows a freeze-frame of Mac Dowell grinning]
Cinema Snob: Yep. That's the look of a man who has the bright idea to stick a flower in a guy's ass.

Cinema Snob: Oh no, you can't stick an entire pole up there! Can you really make a featherwheel like that? You know, a Roman sex swing looks like a really inconvenient way to get a blowjob! Is that... is that a fucking snake?


"The Nostalgia Critic: Jaws 3D (#3.27)" (2010)
Nostalgia Critic: So this British... fish hunter or something comes aboard to try and capture the shark and make lots of money off of it.
Cinema Snob: [cutting in] Actually, that guy is from Manimal.
Nostalgia Critic: Cinema Snob? What are you doing here? What is Manimal?
Cinema Snob: Only the greatest series to ever come out of the 1980s. Let me fill you in. It all started on September 30, 1983. Simon McCorkindale starred as Dr. Jonathan Chase...

Cinema Snob: We got to see Manimal turn into a cat so he could peek down Ursela Anderson's dress.


"The Cinema Snob: Strokémon (#10.29)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: It's time to take a break from people sneaking into my house to search for Pokémon! Now I can sit back, relax, and watch a porno. Look, that's probably the only reference to "Pokémon Go" you're gonna get. I've never played the game before. I also don't watch the show and I've never played any of the other games. I don't know if I'm the right person to talk about this movie. Then again, it does have a fucked up looking creature getting pounded, so maybe I am the right person!

Cinema Snob: How arrogant of a porn star do you have to be to literally play a character named Cock?


"The Cinema Snob: Jungle Holocaust (#9.11)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: I am no longer hungry for a person today.

Cinema Snob: Ditch the romantic music. He just raped her!


"The Cinema Snob: God's Not Dead (#10.12)" (2016)
Cinema Snob: "God's Not Dead" is about as black and white as you could get in a movie like this. It is not a movie about promoting compassion, love, or Christianity. It's a movie that exists simply to reinforce its audience's hatred in things. Are you a Christian? Well, you're the persecuted hero who can do no wrong! Liberal blogger? You're a bitch and you'll get cancer! Atheist? You just hate God, verbally abuse your girlfriend, and you will fucking die! Muslim? Your father will beat the shit outta you when he finds out you're reading scripture! Dean Cain? Bastard!

[last lines]
Cinema Snob: An argument could be that, well, incidents like this could occur, or that some of these stereotypes do exist in real life, and yeah, that's true. Some stereotypes exist for a reason, but you know what? Let's go ahead and make a movie in which all of the assholes in this film are portrayed as the heroes, while the lone Christian in the movie shoots up a Planned Parenthood, and then let's see how hot the makers of "God's Not Dead" take it. My guess is not very well, nor should they, and nor should anybody!


"The Cinema Snob: The Identical (#10.36)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Hey, remember that time they made a faith-based movie about a what-if scenario in which the dead twin of Elvis Presley actually survived and grew up to become an Elvis impersonator, only they couldn't use the name Elvis, so instead he's called Drexel "The Dream" Hemsley? Well, I certainly remember it. I would say, "What the fuck, Hollywood?" But I'm pretty sure Hollywood doesn't know this movie exists.

Reece Wade: Ryan... I don't know what to say.
Cinema Snob: I know what to say. You're too good for this movie, Ray Liotta. Why are you turning in such a good performance? Go back to more dignified roles like when you raped people with a garden hose.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Suburban Knights: Part III (#4.27)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: This is silly.

Cinema Snob: Say, you didn't lose the map in the battle, did you?
The Spoony One: Ha! What sort of half-baked wizard do you take me for?
Cinema Snob: Do you really want me to answer that?
The Spoony One: No!


"The Cinema Snob: Second Glance (#10.6)" (2016)
Dan: I know we don't see eye to eye on everything but just do me this one favor one time.
[Doug tries to leave but Dan pushes him back]
Dan: Come on! Give the film a chance!
Doug: [Grabbing Dan by the collar] Like I said I ain't got the time.
Dan: Make the time.
Cinema Snob: Jesus Christ! Is he gonna psychological thriller the Lord right into Doug's heart?
Dan: He's got the answers, man.
[a pause]
Cinema Snob: This is a really fucking intense way to introduce VeggieTales to someone!
Doug: All right, but if I don't like it, I'm walking right out.
Dan: All right. I'll have a free ticket for you at the door. 3:30.
Cinema Snob: You better be there or he'll fucking kill you!

Snobby: [Creepy religious music plays as Snobby peeks his head through the door] Snob, you wanna watch a film?
Cinema Snob: No, I don't wanna watch a film. I just got done watching a film.
Snobby: Fuck you, you motherfucker!
[Screaming incoherently]
Cinema Snob: Christ! Okay, I'll watch your film.
Snobby: You better. 3:30 PM!
[Disappears behind door]
Cinema Snob: Hey, Snobby!
[Snobby peeks through the door again. Snob gives him the middle finger]
Cinema Snob: Right here, man!
[Second Glance theme plays as the camera zooms in on Snobby's face]


"The Nostalgia Critic: Sharknado (#6.37)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: Our group of idiots come across another group of idiots and decide it's best to help them out.
Fin: Water's rising. I'm going to go up to the bridge and repel down.
April: Fin, this is crazy!
Nostalgia Critic: You know, I have to side with Fin here. I mean what is he supposed to do? Let all the children on the bus be eaten alive by sharks and/or drowned to death?
Kevin Costner: Maybe.

Cinema Snob: [after April's house collapses] Oh, well they've gotta have sharknado insurance.


"The Cinema Snob: The Taming of Rebecca (#7.26)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: "The Taming of Rebecca" is often known as one of the roughest roughies of all-time. What exactly is a roughy, you may ask? Well, go stand in front of a mirror, punch yourself in the nose, jerk off with your own blood without breaking eye contact, then have your girlfriend suck your tongue out through your asshole. That could be a roughy or congratulations, you've just been accepted into our fraternity.


"The Cinema Snob: Donald Tramp (#10.34)" (2016)
[last lines]
Cinema Snob: This movie should've been 90 minutes long and featured a three way with two Corinthians, a sex scene with a Megyn Kelly look-alike, ten minutes of Piers Morgan sucking his dick, an ass to ass scene with Vladimir Putin, a scene where he builds a wall around his cock to keep out Mexican porn star Lana Lopez, and it should've been called "Donald Hump: The Art of the DP". What I'm saying is make porn parodies great again!


"Atop the Fourth Wall: Action Comics #593 (#3.36)" (2010)
Linkara: Oh goody, an exploitation Superman porno movie. This is like something the Cinema Snob should be reviewing.
Cinema Snob: My Snob sense is tingling.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Suburban Knights: Part I (#4.25)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: [about Indiana Jones] He survived a nuclear explosion by hiding inside of a fridge, if that ain't fantasy I don't know what is.


"The Cinema Snob: Super Hornio Bros. (#4.26)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: [humps air to the sound of coins] This! Is How! You Make! A Fucking! Porn! Parody!


"The Cinema Snob: Lady Terminator (#4.2)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Yeah, it's just like Kill Bill, if Kill Bill were a 1984 James Cameron film called The Terminator! And who uses the word Oodles?


"The Cinema Snob: Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters (#7.35)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: By the way, if you want a character to provide exposition, don't make him sound like this...
Stinky: [In a stilted, pitched-up voice] But Riding Hood, the witch will turn us to worms or talcum powder! Ah! But there is something we can do!
Cinema Snob: I heard "talcum powder" somewhere in there... honestly, he's not THAT hard to understand; he's just FUCKING EVIL!
Stinky: Oh, I am dying of thirst! I'm going to take a drink.
[Attempts to drink obviously poisoned water]
Red Riding Hood: Be careful, Stinky! You'll turn into a monkey like the others!
Stinky: [In an extremely stilted voice] Good grief! That's right! I almost forgot!
Cinema Snob: Hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!


"The Cinema Snob: Las Vegas Bloodbath (#4.17)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Ahh! Look! There's a drill in my head! Aren't you TOTALLY convinced that there's a drill in my head?


"The Cinema Snob: Silent Night, Deadly Night V: The Toy Maker (#9.44)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: Could this be the end of Petto's?


"The Cinema Snob: Heaven's Gate: Part 3 (#9.19)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: Ella has decided that despite Jim saving her from the Rape Squad, she's still deciding to go with Nate... unless she could just be with the both of them.
Ella: Do you think a woman can love two men?
Cinema Snob: Whoa, whoa... Do we have to talk about that here? They should save that conversation for when they go to Indiana Comic-Con.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Star Wars: The Force Awakens (#8.48)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: [Opening lines; responding to Critic's Chewbacca screams in Harrison Ford's voice] I know your family's waiting.
[Critic does another Chewbacca scream; louder voice]
Cinema Snob: I know it's an important day!
[Critic does another Chewbacca scream]
Cinema Snob: For god's sakes, use your adult words!
Nostalgia Critic: [Normal voice] I'm sorry, Cinema Snob. It's just I'm so excited! It's the Star Wars Holiday Sequel. We're totally ret-conning the problems of the last one!
Cinema Snob: We're not going anywhere unless we outrun that giant slice of pizza!
Nostalgia Critic: Why don't you just jump to light speed? That's always the answer.
Cinema Snob: Oh, yeah. Why does it always take me so long to remember that?
[the Millennium Falcon goes to light speed]


"The Cinema Snob: Woodchipper Massacre (#2.6)" (2008)
Cinema Snob: I'll stick with real woodchipper movies - like "Fargo", thank you very much.


"The Nostalgia Critic: You're a Rotten Dirty Bastard: Christmas Special (#3.57)" (2010)
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you porn-reviewing fucktard!
Cinema Snob: Blow me!
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you self-righteous activist for anything, you!
Nostalgia Chick: I so wish you'd die.
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you pasty comic book-reading ass-magnet, you!
[Linkara lowers his comic and flips off the Critic]
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you over-excitable Puerto Rican jumping bean!
Angry Joe: Oh, I am so working on a hand grenade with your name on it.
Cinema Snob: Merry Christmas, you pompous reject of everything likable, you!
The Spoony One: [cheerfully] Thanks a lot! I'll see you in hell!


"The Cinema Snob: Hardgore (#4.21)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Eaugh! I do not feel like fucking something!


"The Cinema Snob: Last Ounce of Courage (#10.46)" (2016)
[last lines]
Cinema Snob: This is a movie about people so well-off and so privileged that they just have to feel victimized and persecuted about something. Anything. They wanna feel that they are victims too, even though they're not and they live pretty fucking solid lives. Here's where I would normally get into who made the movie. Well, OK. Idiots. Idiots made this movie. The movie is written and directed by fucking idiots... for idiots. Idiots made this film because they know just how idiotic a person would have to be in order to buy this blatant piece of idiot porn. So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, take care of yourselves and each other, and don't be a fucking idiot.


"The Cinema Snob: Maniac (#5.35)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Is that little shit giving me the finger? Well, right back at you, Baby Bob!


"The Cinema Snob: The Body Shop (#4.5)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Wait, I'm sorry, is this movie supposed to be the fucking origin story of The Powerpuff Girls? I forgot that Professor Utonium used sugar, spice, everything nice and fucking severed body parts!


"The Cinema Snob: A Halloween Puppy (#10.42)" (2016)
Cinema Snob: Eric Roberts, aside from being extremely talented, has one of the most fascinating movie careers of all-time. He's a man with such a constant workload that you can see him on both ends of the movie spectrum. You wanna see Eric Roberts in a Christopher Nolan film? You can. You wanna see him in a David DeCoteau film? You can. Or how 'bout a P.T. Anderson movie? Absolutely. A "Human Centipede" film? Totally. All within a few years of each other and one thing that they all have in common is that Eric Roberts, despite the movie's lack of ambition... doesn't sleepwalk through 'em.


"The Cinema Snob: Friday the 13th, Part V: A New Beginning (#3.3)" (2009)
Cinema Snob: [after trying unsuccessfully to put up a cardboard figure of Jason] He's too fucking big!


"The Cinema Snob: Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (#4.14)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: [imitating Morgan Freeman] I wish I could tell you that Zorro fought the good fight and that Ricky let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no Miyazaki fairy tale world.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Suburban Knights: Part VI (#4.30)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: Hi there! We represent "The Broadway Better Business Players For a Brighter Tomorrow". We are trying to start up a petition to get second rate shows taken off the marquee, and with your help we can stop Mamma Mia! from ever playing again.


"Atop the Fourth Wall: Sonic Live (#3.38)" (2010)
Phelous: Wears a purdy hat.
Harvey Finevoice: Linkara.
Cinema Snob: He has a magic gun!
Ed Glaser: Where'd he purchase that?
L. Lovhaug: Linkara.
Benzaie: Coins, robots, Amazons and trucks.
Ninja: [holds a sign that says "Linkara"]
Todd in the Shadows: This comic sucks.
Obscurus Lupa: Linkara sits down nonetheless.
Lanipator: Forces himself through it.


"The Cinema Snob: Independence Day (1983) (#10.25)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: Well, the Patreon viewers have decided and between a list of choices that included a Syfy original movie and a porno spoof, the clear winner of this week's episode is a goddamn '80s romantic melodrama? What the fuck? That's like doing a viewer's choice on bad Chicago movies and having "Blues Brothers 2000" and "Poltergeist 3" beaten out by "Windy City"! And what is with forgotten '80s romance movies having a poster color scheme that makes them look post-apocalyptic? Look, I thought the porno spoof was gonna win too or maybe I just hoped it would since that would take far less time and get far more hits, but "ID" '83 was ahead by so much that I ended up calling it 12 hours before voting ended, which made the "Daysaster" bros very unhappy. So basically Patreon subscribers paid their hard earned money to be bored! A common theme in the thread seemed to be that people thought "ID" '83 was gonna be along the lines of "Moment by Moment" or "Endless Love". Have we gotten so cynical that the suggestion of any romance means it's gonna be an unholy disaster of "Moment by Moment" proportions? You coulda just asked me! The answer is no! Or you coulda just watched the trailer!


"The Cinema Snob: Ms. Velma's Most Incredibly Magnificent Christmas Week (#9.40)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: This doesn't seem like a Christmas special. It seems like that movie that's always playing on the TV whenever the cops burst into the serial killer's house.


"The Nostalgia Critic: The Adventures of Pluto Nash (#9.14)" (2016)
[opening lines]
Nostalgia Critic: Really? You clicked on this? You know this is "Pluto Nash", right? This is, like, one of the biggest box office bombs that ever existed. I much rather you watch a video on the side scroll than put me to work through this. It's really okay, I won't mind. There's lots more interesting videos. Look, there's Cinema Snob reviewing Naked Kirk Cameron Saving Naked Michael Myers on Naked Christmas.
Cinema Snob: The twist is, it's really Naked Kwanzaa.
Nostalgia Critic: Wouldn't you much rather watch that?
[sighs]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay. If you're so insistent, let's go ahead and take a look at this stinker.


"The Cinema Snob: The Devil with Hitler (#6.30)" (2012)
Cinema Snob: Hmm, another fucking Hitler movie? I don't wanna talk about Hitler. Dude's an asshole.


"The Cinema Snob: Bruno Mattei's Terminator II (#3.11)" (2009)
Cinema Snob: If I want to watch a Terminator II movie, I'll watch real Terminator II movies like Terminator 2, thank you very much.


"The Cinema Snob: The Refrigerator (#2.18)" (2008)
Cinema Snob: Can you blame the fridge? I'd go nuts too if I had to witness that grotesque display of leap-frog.


"The Cinema Snob: The Astro-Zombies (#4.8)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: [referring to filmmaker Ted V. Mikels] Ted has continued to work, even to this day, putting out fetish films, like "Apartheid Slave-Women's Justice", which is just ninety minutes of Ted getting trampled on by stilettos! Oh, but it's OK, because according to IMDb, if you liked "Apartheid Slave-Women's Justice", then you'll love "Gone with the Wind"!


"The Cinema Snob: Beware! Children at Play (#5.20)" (2011)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: I hate kids.


"The Cinema Snob: A Talking Cat!?! (#10.30)" (2016)
[repeated line]
Cinema Snob: Water.


"The Cinema Snob: Sadomania (#1.4)" (2007)
Cinema Snob: No, honey, listen - we need to have sex RIGHT NOW. I'm feeling very confused.


"The Cinema Snob: Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (#9.38)" (2015)
Cinema Snob: [During a fake-out ending] Jail...
Alice Cooper: [singing as end credits roll] He's back! The man behind the mask...


"The Cinema Snob: I Spit on Your Grave: Part 1 (#7.8)" (2013)
Cinema Snob: Warning, it's I Spit on Your Grave!


"The Cinema Snob: Endless Love (#8.4)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: I already question this movie by its tagline: "she is 15, he is 17. The love every parent fears." Really? That's the love every parent fears? I can think of a couple worse ones. How about: she's 15, he's 47. Or, she's 15, he's 5.


"The Cinema Snob: Redneck Zombies (#4.25)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: Where does this movie take place? Whatever, I'm just going to assume it takes place in Buck Owen's ball sac.


"Movie Nights: Evil Dead II (#3.29)" (2012)
Cinema Snob: Come on, we all know that you're just me with boobs, and I am way hotter.


"The Nostalgia Critic: Moulin Rouge (#4.52)" (2011)
Brentalfloss, Nostalgia Chick: [singing] Guilty pleasures! Everybody has a few! Guilty pleasures! You and me and even you! Guilty pleasures! Surely even you have some! Guilty pleasures! Love them even though they're dumb!
Nostalgia Critic: I think I get it!
[singing]
Nostalgia Critic: Like how I enjoy Rocky IV. Though the writing's very poor. Ninja Turtles, Commando, X-Men 3.
Brentalfloss, Nostalgia Chick: Oh, Jesus no!
Nostalgia Critic: [singing] Cool Runnings and Batman 2. Judge Dredd.
Brentalfloss: I like that too.
Nostalgia Critic: [singing] Even Jason Goes To Hell. Paranoia.
Cinema Snob: What the hell?


"The Cinema Snob: Gums (#6.12)" (2012)
Mayor: Dick tells me you shut that beach tighter than a virgin's cunt.
Cinema Snob: Mr. Mayor, your misogyny gets me so hard.


"The Cinema Snob: Alien 2: On Earth (#4.18)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: If I want to see a real Aliens rip-off then I will stick with Bruno Mattei's Terminator 2, thank you very much.
[beat]
Cinema Snob: Wait a minute, no I won't!


"The Cinema Snob: The Sinful Dwarf (#5.32)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: And there you have the first onscreen appearance by the My Buddy doll.


"The Cinema Snob: Foreskin Gump (#8.45)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: I came here for the yuks, not the fucks.


"The Cinema Snob: The Corpse Grinders (#5.44)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: [the scene cuts to a cemetery] Oh, the movie passed away.


"The Cinema Snob: Trick or Treat (#10.39)" (2016)
[first lines]
Cinema Snob: It's October. You know what that means. Columbus Day! And apparently it's also the month where people watch a lot of horror movies and dress up in costume. I wouldn't know anything about that. I never dress in costume or watch horror movies.


"The Cinema Snob: Tales from the Quadead Zone (#2.21)" (2008)
Cinema Snob: In case you missed it, Chester's initials are C.N.T. He's missing a fuckin' vowel.


"The Cinema Snob: Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy (#5.13)" (2011)
Cinema Snob: When you know what E.T's asshole looks like and what the word "Conchadunga" means... yeah... it could be a LOT worse.


"The Cinema Snob: If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do? (#10.7)" (2016)
Cinema Snob: Christ, movie! Stop killing people!


"The Cinema Snob: Creepozoids (#4.31)" (2010)
Cinema Snob: I know what type of place this is! IT'S A BUILDING!


"The Cinema Snob: Brazilian Planet of the Apes (#8.25)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: And just what I wanted to see all my life: the Trammps getting the fruit shits.


"The Cinema Snob: E.T. XXX: A DreamZone Parody (#8.2)" (2014)
Cinema Snob: [immediately cutting from a scene where E.T. walks toward the camera, a strange sound is heard] The hell was that? Did he bump into the camera or did the cameraman just shart?