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Quotes for
Duckman (Character)
from "Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man" (1994)

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"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Duckman and Cornfed in 'Haunted Society Plumbers' (#4.14)" (1997)
Hans: I am Hans, may I help you gentlemen?
Eric Duckman: You betcha Heintz, we're from AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-1 Plumbing.
Hans: You're from AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-1 Plumbing?
Cornfed Pig: Yes, we're from AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-1 Plumbing.
Lady Calowina Worthington-Ford: Ah, are these the men from AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-1 Plumbing?
Hans: Yes, they say they're from AAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
Eric Duckman: Al right! C'mon, we don't even have a plot yet.

Eric Duckman: So, did you check outside?
Cornfed Pig: No footprints in the soft-earth under the windows, and no tire-tracks in the gravel driveway. Whoever stole the Sharon Stone is still here. We have to check out the guests.
Eric Duckman: [rubs his hands together] Okay, when's checkout time.
Cornfed Pig: [slaps Duckman] Will you cut it out? Remember, everyone is a suspect, so be careful. If we blow our cover, the crooks might come after us.
Eric Duckman: Big deal!
Cornfed Pig: They might get tough with us.
Eric Duckman: Let 'em!
Cornfed Pig: They might kill us.
Eric Duckman: [turns to run] See ya.
Cornfed Pig: Say, are you a man or a mouse?
Eric Duckman: I'm more of a flea.
Cornfed Pig: Flea?
Eric Duckman: [turns to run] If you say so.

Army Leader Guest: My goodness, what an appetite!
Eric Duckman: Uh... yes, well... hold-over from my days in the military. Eh, what?
Army Leader Guest: Infantry?
Eric Duckman: No, we were adults.

Eric Duckman: I haven't felt a metal mama since I had to strap one on during my honeymoon.

Eric Duckman: Corny! I thought you morphed into a futuristic, flesh-craving metal man!
Cornfed Pig: Have you been sticking the caulking gun up your nose again?

Eric Duckman: I think I just made in my pants.
Cornfed Pig: But you're not wearing any... ew.

Cornfed Pig: Remember last year's Duckman Detective Agency talent competition?
Eric Duckman: I sure do! We should have won! But that damn Uranus just *becomes* Liza!


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Hamlet 2: This Time It's Personal (#4.25)" (1997)
Eric Duckman: What a piece of crap is man!

Eric Duckman: What a tongue-shaped, urine-colored ass am I!

Eric Duckman: Your idea of a medieval classic is Piscopo doing Sinatra!

Eric Duckman: Alas, poor Yelnick. I knew him well. What a moron.

Eric Duckman: I've written a play for King Chicken. And you're gonna help me perform it for him. Any questions?
Charles: Yes. When does the English translation come out?

Cornfed: Duckman, were you doing a soliloquy?
Eric Duckman: No, I'm against drugs, Corny. I was just talking to myself.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Inherit the Judgment: The Dope's Trial (#2.4)" (1995)
[Duckman is cross-examining King Chicken]
Eric Duckman: King Chicken - Was it you or me that day that said "egg?"
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: This... is your plan?
[chuckles]
Eric Duckman: Just answer the question!
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: It was you.
Eric Duckman: Exa... heh. Oops. Well, uh - Was my saying "egg" in any way because of ventriloquism? And remember: You are under oath!
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: No! There was no ventriloquism!
Eric Duckman: Uh... ha, ha. Did you, uh... use any kind of a hypno-ray on the crowd that made them hear "egg" when I really said "chicken?"
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: You idiot! I assumed you had a reason for...
Eric Duckman: Ah! You *assumed!* Is that correct?
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: [growls] Yes!
Eric Duckman: Then you shouldn't *assume!*
[writes "assume" on a chalkboard]
Eric Duckman: Because when you *assume,* you... you... - Wait. There's a trick here. I used to know it...

Eric Duckman: Did you talk to my lawyer/urologist, Donald "The Shiv" Grillo?
Cornfed Pig: Yes, but he didn't answer back. He's dead. A rare case of peacetime fragging.
Eric Duckman: Damned Coast Guard reserve.

Eric Duckman: Corny! Am I glad you're here! They stuck me in jail just because I said the egg came before the chicken.
Cornfed Pig: They disagree. It's heresy in this town to challenge their theory of chicken creationism - the deeply held belief that the chicken came before the egg. It's the same kind of mindless, intellectually bankrupt belief system once found in the Druids. Or the Reagan Administration.

Cornfed Pig: Were you abused by your parents?
Eric Duckman: No.
Cornfed Pig: Teased at school?
Eric Duckman: No.
Cornfed Pig: A victim of racial rage?
Eric Duckman: No.
Cornfed Pig: Sexually harassed?
Eric Duckman: No.
Cornfed Pig: Fired for being chronically tardy?
Eric Duckman: No.
Cornfed Pig: Ever eat Twinkies?

Eric Duckman: Bernice, I am sick and tired of you treating me like some dim-bulb melonhead who's always on the verge of his next screw-up!
[Duckman hits the car, which then loses a tire and collapses]
Bernice: Okay, who had "destroys car" in the next Duckman screw-up pool?
Charles: I had "buys Lincoln Memorial."
Mambo: "Loses house in pyramid scheme."
Ajax: Herpes.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Ride the High School (#1.6)" (1994)
Eric Duckman: You're finished, King Chicken! Washed up! Don't be surprised if MTV Unplugged calls you!

Eric Duckman: All right, Chicken! Prepare to meet your Colonel!

Ajax: You know, Dad, I think you're my favorite dad.
Eric Duckman: Only.
Ajax: Only what?
Eric Duckman: Only dad.
Ajax: Only dad what?

George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: There is no Littlefield School. The students, professors, all animatrons. Robots.
Eric Duckman: Even Deanna, that lovely coed?
George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: Nope. I've never been able to make breasts. She's a Muppet.
Eric Duckman: Ohh. To be Frank Oz for a day.

Deanna: I'm Deanna. What's your name?
Eric Duckman: Duckman. As in Dr. Duckman. Ph.D., loveology. Why don't you stay after class so I can grade on your curves?
[Bernice slaps him]
Bernice: You're despicable. You've got kidney stones older than her.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Pig Amok (#3.11)" (1996)
Eric Duckman: Mrs. Leibner, your husband was an honorable man, who always put his family first. Why, it was out of consideration for you that he concealed his rampant homosexuality.
[Mrs. Leibner gasps]
Eric Duckman: In fact, the last thing he said to me was, "Duckman, don't tell my wife."
Bernice: Duckman!
Eric Duckman: What? It's true! He was protecting you. He was afraid you would think you drove him to it, but you didn't. He said he stopped caring about you 20 years before he even slept with a man.

Eric Duckman: Anyway, I don't get it. All the women you've known and you've never had sex? Fed the meter? Shellacked the furniture? Jellied the doughnut? Booted the hard drive? Sent the pink Cadillac to Lube Masters for a tune-up? Knicknacked Patty's whack? Gave Ms. Pacman something to munch? Cast a secret ballot for Goomaster General? Studied spernography...
Cornfed: Point made. And no, I don't base my relationships with women on sex?
Eric Duckman: What else is there?
Cornfed: Common interests, intellect, a shared humor...
Eric Duckman: Uh-huh.

Eric Duckman: We need women who never meet desirable men. That's why were here. Let's face it, if you can't score at a Star Trek convention, you might as well be dead.

Eric Duckman: It's so typical of women. When you weren't looking for it, when you didn't care, they swarmed all over you. But need it just a little, they smell your desperation a mile away.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Forbidden Fruit (#3.2)" (1996)
Fluffy: Let's move on to the word association part of the test.
Eric Duckman: Breasts.
Uranus: Mr. Duckman we haven't st...
Eric Duckman: Breasts.
Fluffy: Dog.
Eric Duckman: Breasts.
Fluffy: White.
Eric Duckman: Breasts.
Fluffy: Peanut butter.
Eric Duckman: Breasts.
Fluffy: Tanzania
Eric Duckman: Breasts.
Fluffy: Communism.
Eric Duckman: Breasts.
Fluffy: Dolly Parton.
Eric Duckman: Bad hair.

[Fluffy and Uranus are administering a test on Duckman to determine his sensitivity toward women]
Fluffy: Question one: women over the age of 18 are often referred to as girls. How should you refer to them?
Eric Duckman: Sweet potato?
Fluffy: No!
Eric Duckman: Love socket?
Fluffy: No!
Eric Duckman: Box lunch?

Fluffy: Question two: when is it all right to kiss a woman?
Eric Duckman: When her husband leaves?
Fluffy: No!
Eric Duckman: When the sore heals?
Fluffy: No!
Eric Duckman: When she wakes up?


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Where No Duckman Has Gone Before (#4.27)" (1997)
Khan Chicken: Dwaaahh!
Eric Duckman: Hey, get your own wacky scream.

Eric Duckman: Khan Chicken, you magnificent space bastard!

Eric Duckman: Is he dead?
Art 'Bones' McSalvo: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a rodeo clown!
[pause, as everyone stares at him]
Art 'Bones' McSalvo: Well, I'm not a rodeo clown.
Eric Duckman: Who's Jim?
Art 'Bones' McSalvo: FINE! HAVE IT YOUR WAY! I'M A RODEO CLOWN! AND YOU'RE NOT JIM!


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Love! Anger! Kvetching! (#4.13)" (1997)
Beverly: Yes fan-Guccio-tastic.
Eric Duckman: Yeah! Say... You're not going to go spouting that anti-Penthouse pro-feminist mumbo-jumbo are you?
Beverly: No not at all. If I made you give up Penthouse then to be consistent I'd have to give up Play Girl and I am not doing that. Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!
[Short pause]
Beverly: Excuse me I have to finish unpacking.
[Beverly runs upstairs]

Eric Duckman: I've got a chance to do something I haven't done since the seventh grade.
Cornfed: Date fifth-grade girls?

Eric Duckman: Ah, good morrow, gentle Vic. I think it was the poet Yeats who said, "morning has broken the first blackbird in the dead of night."
Beverly: Talk about your blank verse.
Cornfed: It's from "The Big Book of Psychotic Nonsense."


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: A Civil War (#1.7)" (1994)
Val de Ree: There seems to be a suspicion that Stanley's death involved foul play. Clearly there's nothing to support that theory, but the insurance company is insisting on an investigation. They won't even let me move the body until it's proven that he died of natural causes. Do you think you can help me?
Eric Duckman: Uh, sorry, I - I didn't hear you. I was staring at your breasts.
Val de Ree: I understand. They're very supple, I'm told.

Eric Duckman: I'll be tireless in my efforts, for Duckman doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit."
Cornfed Pig: Apparently, the word "clue" slipped through the cracks as well.

Eric Duckman: Bunch of thin-skinned, no-humor pansies! You tell them an ice-breaker or two about women's libbers, gays, environmentalists, several minorities, the homeless, couple of religions, anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old farts, baldness, and people who walk real goofy because they've just had a vasectomy, and suddenly, they get all sensitive, like I offended one of them or something!


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Married Alive (#2.2)" (1995)
Eric Duckman: Look, Bernice, I hate to prick your balloon...
Bernice: Duckman, I believe the phrase is "burst your bubble."
Eric Duckman: I know. I just like to say "prick" whenever I can.

Bernice: Duckman, I feel like a new woman!
Eric Duckman: Me, too. Unfortunately I'm about ten bucks short.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Gripes of Wrath (#1.3)" (1994)
Duckman: You were the one who made up this whole new world! You screwed up - not me!
Kalai Prövenheim: Impossible! I am infallible!
Duckman: I don't care *what* religion you are! You made things worse when you made them better! I mean, I liked having a lot of free time, but I hated not having anything to do. Don't you see, things were good when they were bad, and they got bad when they were good. People aren't happy unless they're unhappy.

Duckman: [chuckling] Yes, well once again I've outwitted a pitifully inadequate opponent by staying one step ahead of 'em.
[pause]
Duckman: How exactly did I do that?


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: A Room with a Bellevue (#3.6)" (1996)
Eric Duckman: What gives you the right to judge people?
Dr. Henri Ducharme: The diploma. Judging people is pretty much the main benefit of the job.
Dr. Gerhardt Morsink: That, and the license plates with MD on them. You can park practically anywhere.

Eric Duckman: Don't you see what's it's like living in this deranged, Waring blender of a world? Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt. Ah, you never forget your senior prom. You think I'm sick? Well the only disease I've got is modern life, a shnug-busting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of letdowns, putdowns, trickle-downs, shutouts, freezeouts, sellouts, numbnuts, nincompoops and nimrods! All making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue! And even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like say if some nymphomaniac telephone operator with the muscle control of Romanian mat slappers agree to a little strip air hockey, it will be over before it starts, 'cause some foul lacking, Feta-reeking cab jockey slams his checker up your hatchback and the cab is owned by some pinata-spanker from a Santaria cult who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big that all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete! And even with all this, with all this! I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day! Knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those pearly gates, I won't be in the coffin anyways, because some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted good and plenty to that same Santaria cult! So does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails, while life dirty dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder THAT I SEEM DERANGED?


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: The Amazing Colossal Duckman (#3.19)" (1996)
[Duckman's body is growing as a result of a glandular problem]
Eric Duckman: Doctor, something's wrong. I'm growing.
Dr. Ben Stein: They're called *erections*, Duckman. They happen all the time.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Not So Easy Riders (#1.8)" (1994)
Eric Duckman: Did I ever tell you my father's last words to me?
Cornfed Pig: Um-hm. "Careful, son, I don't think the safety's on."
Eric Duckman: Before that!


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Four Weddings Inconceivable (#4.28)" (1997)
Beartrice: Stop the wedding.
Eric Duckman: So sowwie I... Beartrice?
Mrs Chicken: Who's Beartrice?
Eric Duckman: She's my wife... I mean my first wife... I mean you're alive?
Beartrice: Of course I am. Didn't Cornfed ever tell you?
Cornfed Pig: Du, Du, Duckman I can explain.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Research and Destroy (#2.8)" (1995)
Cornfed: Duckman, daddy-o, you have ears but cannot hear... actually, you don't have ears.
Duckman: He's coming back on.
Cornfed: Wait, this is really creepy. How do you hear? What holds your glasses on?
Duckman: Never mind about the ears!
Cornfed: Really, I've never seen that before. Hey guys, you ever see anyone without ears before?


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Das Sub (#4.26)" (1997)
Judge: You've shown galling contempt for me, for this court room, and most importantly, for the law, in front of some Malthus High honor students that I invited! What must they think of the law now? What lessons have they...
Eric Duckman: Uh, judge, FYI, "Singled Out" starts in twenty minutes, and I'm way across town.
Judge: That's it! I'm making an example of you! I hereby sentence you to 5,000 hours of community service at Malthus High School, starting today! We've adjourned. Bailiff! If he's not gone in fifteen seconds, kill him!


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Kidney, Popsicle, and Nuts (#4.18)" (1997)
Eric Duckman: I just passed a stone bigger than Bill Wyman.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Clip Job (#2.9)" (1995)
Eric Duckman: [each sentence is a clip from a previous episode] You long-haired, fat-bellied, goofy-tattooed, 60's throwback Village People wannabe biker freak! Mantra-chanting, incense-breathing, herb-sucking yahoos! Brainless, knuckle-dragging ball hogs! Cheese-eating, cocoa-guzzling yodelers! Thin-skinned, no-humored pansies! Dim-bulb melon head! Mindless pod people! The Magical Mystery Turd! Dancing Queen! Dipstick! Sushi sucker! Butt-head! What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at?


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: The Longest Weekend (#3.18)" (1996)
Eric Duckman: I can't believe they towed my car! And only because it was parked in a tow-away zone and I had $1,200 worth of unpaid parking tickets.
Cornfed Pig: Also, you stole it.
Eric Duckman: It was dark. How was I supposed to tell the difference between a parking lot at the mall and a Mazda dealership?


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Joking the Chicken (#1.13)" (1994)
Eric Duckman: I know you all came here to see Iggy Catalpa, because you think he's funny, because you like his style, because you just plain like him, right? But you just think you do. Because you were manipulated into thinking you do by him: King Chicken. He did it the same way they manipulate us into buying toothpaste, car wax, even politicians. All pre-packaged, the least offensive, most appealing alternative. But it's precisely when humor is offensive that we need it most. Comedy should provoke. It should blast through prejudices, challenge preconceptions. Comedy should always leave you different than when it found you. Sure humor can hurt even alienate but the risk is better than the alternative; a steady diet of innocuous, child proof, flavorless mush. Demand to be challenged, to be offended, to be treated like thinking, reasoning adults and raise your children to be the same. Don't let a comedian, a network, a congressional committee, or an evil genius take away your freedom to laugh at whatever you want.


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Ajax & Ajaxer (#4.8)" (1997)
Eric Duckman: Why, I bet a kid, thinking I was a role model and wanting to imitate my behavior, could easily steal sodas from a vending machine, too. DO IT! Do it now, kids! Sick it to the man!


"Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man: Grandma-ma's Flatulent Adventure (#3.3)" (1996)
Duckman: This is where it happened Cornfed. This is where it all started to go very wrong.
Cornfed: You mean by leaving an old lady unattended in the car while going in to get two baked buns with the keys in the ignition and the engine idling?
Duckman: Shows what you know. They were steamed buns. Now if we can just get to the task at hand.
[taking Gecko out of a bag]
Duckman: Okay Geko it's time to earn your Christmas bowl of water. Here's a piece of Grandma-ma's dress reeking of her tangy bouquet. He's got the scent Corny. Let's go!