Capt. T. G. Culpepper
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Quotes for
Capt. T. G. Culpepper (Character)
from It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)

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It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [answering phone] : Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?
Ginger Culpeper: It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pomona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Well, what's the matter?
Ginger Culpeper: You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.
Ginger Culpeper: I'll try. Just a minute.
[to Billie Sue]
Ginger Culpeper: Talk to your father.
Billie Sue Culpeper: I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever!
Ginger Culpeper: Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.

Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [into a phone] Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened...
Ginger Culpeper: [voice] So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
Ginger Culpeper: The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years!

Capt. T.G. Culpeper: You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
[Everybody stares]
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Nothing will happen here for five minutes.
Secretary Schwartz: Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: No calls. No calls. No more calls.
Lt. Matthews: Something's wrong.
Police sergeant: Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.

Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Now, where have I always told ya that the Smiler hid the dough? Where? Right there!

Otto Meyer: I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us...
[to Captain Culpeper]
Otto Meyer: what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me, my mother-in-law is suing me for damages, my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed, my pension has been revoked. And the only reason that you 10 idiots will very LIKELY get off LIGHTLY, is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at!
Third Cab Driver: [sarcastically] Oh, that's tough. Oh ho ho ho.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there'd be something I could laugh at... Anything.

Police radio voice unit F-7: [voice] F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out.
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair.

Police radio voice unit F-7: F7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in the hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We've got to let them out!
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Ahhh. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Ummm. Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [to Police Sergeant] Are you happy?