Warren Meers
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Quotes for
Warren Meers (Character)
from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997)

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"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Life Serial (#6.5)" (2001)
Andrew: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
Warren Meers: Or-or Mulder, in that X-Files where the bank kept exploding.
Andrew: Scully wants me so bad.

Warren Meers: This mummy hand has ceased to be!
Andrew: It is an ex-mummy hand!

Warren Meers: W-What the hell is that?
Andrew: Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Jonathan Levinson: Thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numb nuts.
Andrew: For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised designs from Return of the Jedi.
Jonathan Levinson: That's a flawed design.

Jonathan Levinson: I need you to hold hands.
Andrew: With each other?
Warren Meers: Well, you know what homophobia really means about you, don't you?
Jonathan Levinson: Stop touching my magic bone!

Andrew: Oh, she's coming over here. What do we do?
Warren Meers: Jonathan, grab your magic bone.
[Warren and Andrew start laughing]

Warren Meers: We tested her, faced her, and we survived!
Jonathan Levinson: Unless I have internal injuries that will eventually kill me.
Andrew: Oh, of course, but, barring that, Warren's right. We did good!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Flooded (#6.4)" (2001)
M'Fashnik Demon: Which one of you is the leader?
Jonathan Levinson, Andrew Wells, Warren Meers: I am.
M'Fashnik Demon: I will kill the leader.
Jonathan Levinson, Andrew Wells, Warren Meers: He is.
M'Fashnik Demon: I will kill you all.
Jonathan Levinson: Wait, no fair!

Warren Meers: So... you guys wanna team up and take over Sunnydale?
Andrew Wells, Jonathan Levinson: Okay.

Warren Meers: You're just mad I wouldn't build you Christina Ricci.
Andrew Wells: You owe me, man!
Warren Meers: Oh, or else what? You'll train another pack of devil dogs to ruin my prom? Graduated!

Andrew Wells: I don't wanna kill Buffy either.
Jonathan Levinson: Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times. Plus she's hot.
Warren Meers: It's her or us. I mean, we have to do it.
Andrew Wells: We're talking about murder.
Warren Meers: No, we're talking about staying alive. And since this is my Mom's house, I think what I say goes.

Andrew Wells: Screen wipe, new scene. I had nothing to do with the devil dogs. I trained flying demon monkeys to attack the school play. School play, dude.
Warren Meers: That was cool. That was kinda cool. It was funny.
Jonathan Levinson: Everyone was like, 'Run Juliet'!

Andrew Wells: We could stay up all night if we wanted.
Warren Meers: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't get all crazy on us, Andrew.
Andrew Wells: I was only saying.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Villains (#6.20)" (2002)
Warren Meers: I did wrong; I see that now. I need, I need jail! I need... but you, you don't want this. You're, you're not a bad person, not like me.
Buffy: [still trying to find her] Willow! Don't do it!
Warren Meers: Oh, and when you get caught, you'll lose them too. Your friends. You don't want that. I know you're in pain, but...
Willow Rosenberg: Bored now.
[With a hand gesture, she flays Warren alive]

Warren Meers: Hey, are you Rack? I was told you can supply people with magic.
Rack: How did you find me?
Warren Meers: I ran into one of your regulars out on the street. He told me all about you. I bribed him 20 bucks to give me directions to this place.
Rack: You should have haggled. Most of my customers would have brought you here for only five.
Warren Meers: Yeah... I'll try to remember that next time. Look... I tried to do all of us a favor and kill the Slayer this morning, but I think I goofed.
Rack: Killing a Slayer? That's big business for a kid.
Warren Meers: I'm not a kid! I had my own group. The Trio. You ever hear of us?
Rack: What were you? A band or something?

[Willow materalizes before Warren making him stop]
Warren Meers: Hey, that's a cute trick. You should teach me that.
[Willow begins walking towards Warren who begins backing away]
Willow Rosenberg: You're going to die tonight, Warren.
Warren Meers: [nervous] Why? What'd I ever do to you?
Willow Rosenberg: That shooting spree this morning?
Warren Meers: [remembers] Oh... that. It was an accident, you know? You have to belive me. It really was an accident.
Willow Rosenberg: Oh? So you're saying that instead of killing my best friend, Buffy, you happened to kill my girlfriend, Tara.
Warren Meers: It... it wasn't personal.
Willow Rosenberg: Well, this is!

Katrina Silber: How could you say you loved me, and do that to me?
Warren Meers: [suddenly] Because you deserved it, bitch!
[finally turns to look, but Katrina is gone]
Willow Rosenberg: Because you liked it.
Warren Meers: Oh, shut up!
Willow Rosenberg: You never felt you had the power with her, not until you killed her.
Warren Meers: [nasty laugh] Women. You know, you're just like the rest of them. Mind games.
Willow Rosenberg: You get off on it. That's why you had a mad-on for the Slayer. She was your big O, wasn't she, Warren?
Warren Meers: [still trembling] Are you done yet? Or can we talk some more about our feelings?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Gone (#6.11)" (2002)
[to the trio after they are turned visible]
Buffy: So you three have, what... banded together to be pains in my ass?
Warren Meers: We're your "arch-nemesises-ses".

Jonathan Levinson: [Warren almost hits Jonathon with an invisibility gun] You penis!
Warren Meers: Oh, cheer up, Frodo. Because, thanks to my brains and our mystical gem we got ourselves an invisibility ray. And I'd say that makes us pretty much unstoppable.

Jonathan Levinson: We got a lot bigger problems here, bonehead. The Slayer's invisible, now.
Andrew Wells: He's right. She could be anywhere. Even here, right now, watching, listening to every word we say. For all we know, she could be one of us.
[all stare at each other suspiciously]
Warren Meers: [snaps out of it] Oh!
Andrew Wells: Oh, wait, no guys. That isn't true.

Jonathan Levinson: We're not killers, we're crime lords!
Andrew Wells: Yeah! Like-like Lex Luthor. He's always trying to take over Metropolis, but he doesn't kill Superman!
Warren Meers: Because it's Superman's book, you moron!
Andrew Wells: But Lex doesn't kill him, does he?


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Seeing Red (#6.19)" (2002)
Warren: [appears with gun] You think you can just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with that? Think again!
[fires gun]

Buffy: Is this your bank? 'Cause if not, there's gonna be a fee for that.
Warren: I was wondering when Super Bitch would show up.
Buffy: You really got a problem with strong women, don't you?

Warren: Say good night, bitch.
Buffy: Good night, bitch.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Never Leave Me (#7.9)" (2002)
Warren Meers: [as The First] You know the rules. I can't take corporeal form. Here. Feel.
Andrew Wells: [he passes his hand through Warren's chest] Cool!
Warren Meers: Pretty bitchin', right? I'm like Obi-Wan!
Andrew Wells: Or Patrick Swayze!

Warren Meers: [as The First] That's the worst attempt at pig slaughtering I've ever seen!

Andrew Wells: Babe II: Pig in the City was really underrated.
Warren Meers: Don't think about Babe.
Andrew Wells: Right.
Warren Meers: You're Conan. You're The Destroyer. It's you against nature. You're the hunter, you're primal. You live off the land. You're Andrew. Everyone knows you. You play by your own rules. It's kill or be killed.
Andrew Wells: [like a battle cry] That'll do, pig!


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Normal Again (#6.17)" (2002)
Warren Meers: [looking at vault schematics] Ah. There's the vault.
Andrew Wells: I still say we're gonna need eight other guys to pull this off.
Warren Meers: I never should have let you see that movie.

Jonathan Levinson: [about being stuck in the basement] I mean, I'm going Jack Torrance in here, ya know? Stuck in this basement for weeks. We rented the whole house. Can't we at least sleep upstairs?
Andrew Wells: We're on the lam. We have to lay low. Underground.
Jonathan Levinson: That's figurative doofus! Did you even read Legion of Doom?
Warren Meers: Okay, enough!
[to Jonathon]
Warren Meers: Midgetor, get back to the monitors.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Conversations with Dead People (#7.7)" (2002)
Warren Meers: [as The First] We've been over this. That death thing was all part of the master plan. C'mon, if you strike me down?
Andrew Wells: I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, of course. Do you think Willow can kill me too?
Warren Meers: [as The First] Hey don't worry if not pulls of his end of the bargain, we'll both become gods.
Andrew Wells: That boy is our last hope.
Warren Meers: [as The First] No, there is another.
Andrew Wells: Wait, really? Who's our last hope?
Warren Meers: [as The First] No I was just going with it. It was a thing. No he's our last hope.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Lessons (#7.1)" (2002)
[last lines]
Warren Meers: [as The First] Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl with sugar and spice and everything useless, unless you're baking. I'm more than that, more than flesh...
Glory: [as The First] More than blood. I'm, you know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips, assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's alright, though.
Adam: [as The First] I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She's exactly where I want her to be. And so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong.
Mayor Richard Wilkins: [as The First] So what'd ya think? You'd get your soul back and everything'd be Jim-Dandy? Soul's slippery than a greased weasel. Why do you think I sold mine? Well, you probably thought that you'd be your own man, and I respect that.
Drusilla: [as The First] But you never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me, singing our little songs. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them, right from the beginning. And that's where we're going.
The Master: [as The First] Right back to the beginning. Not the Bang, not the Word, the true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you, trying to do what's right, just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right, not about wrong.
Buffy Summers: [as The First] It's about power.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Entropy (#6.18)" (2002)
[the trio sees Spike and Anya having sex on their camera]
Warren Meers: Guys, we have to- Oh, holy crap!
Jonathan Levinson: Oh, my God.
Warren Meers: What is that? P-Porn?
Jonathan Levinson: Oh, my God.
Warren Meers: Is that the cam in the Magic Box?
Jonathan Levinson: Oh, my God.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dead Things (#6.13)" (2002)
[Jonathan and Andrew have been tussling]
Warren Meers: Hey! When you girls are done touching each other, the cerebral dampener's ready to be charged.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Killer in Me (#7.13)" (2003)
Warren Meers: [as Willow] I have a history with my witchy subconscious making things go "ker-floopy".


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Smashed (#6.9)" (2001)
Spike: In my head. The chip in my head.
Warren Meers: We're kind of in the middle of somethin'.
Spike: Well, you can play holodeck another time. Right now, I'm in charge.
Warren Meers: Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't especially feel like maybe playing your- What are - wait, what are you doing?
[Spike rips Boba Fett action figure off its base]
Spike: Examine my chip or else Mr. Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathan: Hey! All - All right. Let's not - Let's not not do anything crazy here.
Andrew Wells: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Warren Meers: All right, dude, chill. You can still make it right. You know you don't wanna do this.
Spike: What I want is answers, nimrod!
Warren Meers: Right. But you don't want to hurt the Fett... because, man, you're not comin' back from that! You know, you don't just do that and walk away.
Spike: That right? Let's find out.
[about to rip head off of action figure]
Warren Meers: One sec - One second.


"Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Storyteller (#7.16)" (2003)
Warren Meers: [as The First] Did you get the knife?
Andrew Wells: Yeah. It wasn't easy. I had to meet this demon guy who sells all kinds of weird weapons and stuff.
Warren Meers: [as The First] Okay, show me.
Andrew Wells: Well, I didn't buy them, but, there were poison arrows, and this sort of collapsible sword...
Warren Meers: [as The First] Show me the knife!