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[thunder is heard outside
: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder? John
: I am not!
[Ted comes running into the bed
: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny? John
: Fucking right. Ted
: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song. John
: Alright. John
] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV
] Oh... Ted
: Lori, hey, you're home early. Lori
: What the hell is this? Ted
: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine. Lori
: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls? Ted
: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night! Lori
: [Looks down on floor
] What is that? Ted
: Wha- what is what? Lori
: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit! Ted
: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy. Lori
: There is a shit on my floor! Ted
: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say. John
: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door
] Rawr! Ted
: Hahaha! John
: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money! Ted
: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it. John
: [Enters the apartment
] I found my phone. What's going on.
[John suddenly looks down on the floor
: Is that a shit?
[Lori looks at John
: There's a shit on the floor! Ted
: Or, or, or, maybe the floor is on the shit.
: You can't have my Teddy bear!
[Charges John and Lori at full speed. John punches him in the nose, knocking him unconscious to the ground
: Jesus! John
: I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!
: Can you call my cellphone? Lori
[Lori calls John's phone which plays "The Imperial March"
: Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative. John
: No. I-it's from The Notebook
: [after Tami-Lynn leave after an argument with Lori
] What a cunt. John
: [covers his ears
] No, I hate that word!
] Look, John... loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's... fallin' to fuckin' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault... Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, "No."... He said, "No." He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori... I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours. Lori
: Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed... Ted
: Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.
: Can I give you a ride home? John
: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.
[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission
] Norah Jones
: Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!
[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd
: Oh... my God. Rex
: Holy... shit.
[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone
: I gotta fuck her again. John
: Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song
: [singing off-key
] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done... Ted
: Still better than Katy Perry. John
: [singing off-key
] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /
: We move as one / We're an all-time high... Rex
: You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!
[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing
] Angry fan
: You're an asshole!
[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage
] Norah Jones
: Oh Jesus!
[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan
: Plus! A hooker took a shit in our apartment!
[Flashback to earlier
: OH GOD! John
: WHAT? Lori
: This is so gross! John
: Did you get it yet? Lori
: NO! I didn't get it yet! John
: Tell me when you get it! Lori
: OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb! John
: NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again! Lori
: OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever! John
: NO! Get it away from me!
: Welcome back Ted! John
: It was you! Ted
: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back! Lori
: No! I wished for my life back.
: Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie? John
: Octopussy! Lori
: BABY! Goldstar!
: So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends. Tami-Lynn
: What do you mean, 'girlfriends'?
[Looking at Ted
: What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'? Ted
: N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that. Lori
: No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up. Tami-Lynn
: Did you just call me a whore? Lori
: What? Tami-Lynn
: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey? Ted
: Whoa! John
: What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal. Ted
: Yeah, this was a nice evening. Tami-Lynn
: Don't talk shit to me. Lori
: I just asked you a question. Tami-Lynn
: You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever. Ted
: Take it easy.
[Looks at Lori
: Nice, Lori. Real nice. Lori
: Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English. Tami-Lynn
: [Gets up
] Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'? Ted
: [Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down
] Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on. Tami-Lynn
: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever! Ted
: Okay, okay, come on. Come on.
[Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant
: I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?
: Down here. Not looking up your towel. Swear to God. Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business. Lori
: Ted, what are you doing here?
: Ted! Ted
: I'm alive, Johnny! John
: Oh, my God! Ted
: I'm alive. Your magical wish worked! John
: You're back! Ted
: Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?
: I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded. John
: You asshole! Ted
: Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah! Lori
: Welcome back, Ted. John
: It was you. You did it. Ted
: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back. Lori
: No, no, no. I wished for my life back.
: I could have wound up like that Asian guy at Virginia Tech but I didn't because of him. So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out. Lori
: It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.
: [from deleted scene
] I could've ended up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but I didn't because of Ted. Lori
: Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.