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: Well, the latest poll numbers are in and you've fallen 20 points behind the Widow Sherman. Amy Brookheimer
: We have to keep you away from people! Dan Egan
: Yeah, surround you with some trees. Make you look human-sized. Jeff Kane
: Yeah, back to the natural habitat your nitwit mother found you in, you fucking shaved Sasquatch. Richard Splett
: But the good news is that you're only three points behind Jon H Ryan, whoever that is.
: You got to see this. Dan Egan
: Jesus, those are your pajamas? It's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.
: Any news on Sherman? Dan Egan
: CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.
: From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.
: God, my phone is blowing up with these TV offers. Think I might need an agent. You know, someone who can take the Dan Egan brand to the next level. Amy Brookheimer
: Too bad Goebbels killed himself.
: [Preparing for the onslaught of election night
] So I assume you reached out to the O'Brien camp? Taking a meeting with Charlotte or with Kim? Amy Brookheimer
: No, I, I haven't contacted the O'Brien team. Dan Egan
: Amy, if he wins, our lobbying stock is gonna droop like a chimp's tits. We're not gonna be the golden kids anymore. We gotta stay on his radar. Amy Brookheimer
: But we need to be in with her, too, she might win. Dan Egan
: [Picking his teeth
] Yeah, well, on air, I'm gonna keep in with her. Off air, I'm telling the Nazis that she's hiding in the attic.
: You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that. Dan Egan
: The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.
: Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled the Jonad Files? Dan Egan
: Uh, no. No, ma'am. Amy Brookheimer
: No. That doesn't ring a bell. Ms. Bennett
: So it's not a word combining Jonah and gonad? Dan Egan
: Not to my knowledge. Jonah Ryan
: I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that. Mr. Rakes
: In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse. Dan Egan
: I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question. Mr. Rakes
: Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection... Jonah Ryan
: Do we have to go through all of these? Mr. Wallace
: I'm not sure that I see the relevance. Mr. Rakes
: The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise. Mr. Wallace
: Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed. Mr. Rakes
: The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca. Jonah Ryan
: My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.
: Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this? Dan Egan
: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence. Selina Meyer
: That's like trying to use a croissant as a fuckin' dildo. Dan Egan
: I thought... Selina Meyer
] No no no, let me be more clear. It doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS! Get out of my office.
[trips on papers on the floor
] Selina Meyer
: GARY! Gary Walsh
: Yes ma'am, yes ma'am! Selina Meyer
: I need something! Gary Walsh
: Okay, is there something specific? Selina Meyer
: I don't fucking know, I just need something!
: It's good we won Dixville Notch. Dan Egan
: It's got a population of 12, Mike. Mike McLintock
: I know, Dan, but it's famous. Gary Walsh
: Our Lord Jesus started with 12. Ben Cafferty
: Well, he didn't win New Hampshire either.