Dan Egan
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Quotes for
Dan Egan (Character)
from "Veep" (2012)

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"Veep: Camp David (#5.8)" (2016)
Richard Splett: Well, the latest poll numbers are in and you've fallen 20 points behind the Widow Sherman.
Amy Brookheimer: We have to keep you away from people!
Dan Egan: Yeah, surround you with some trees. Make you look human-sized.
Jeff Kane: Yeah, back to the natural habitat your nitwit mother found you in, you fucking shaved Sasquatch.
Richard Splett: But the good news is that you're only three points behind Jon H Ryan, whoever that is.

Amy Brookheimer: You got to see this.
Dan Egan: Jesus, those are your pajamas? It's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.


"Veep: Thanksgiving (#5.5)" (2016)
Tom James: Any news on Sherman?
Dan Egan: CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.


"Veep: C**tgate (#5.6)" (2016)
Dan Egan: From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.


"Veep: Inauguration (#5.10)" (2016)
Dan Egan: God, my phone is blowing up with these TV offers. Think I might need an agent. You know, someone who can take the Dan Egan brand to the next level.
Amy Brookheimer: Too bad Goebbels killed himself.


"Veep: Election Night (#4.10)" (2015)
Dan Egan: [Preparing for the onslaught of election night] So I assume you reached out to the O'Brien camp? Taking a meeting with Charlotte or with Kim?
Amy Brookheimer: No, I, I haven't contacted the O'Brien team.
Dan Egan: Amy, if he wins, our lobbying stock is gonna droop like a chimp's tits. We're not gonna be the golden kids anymore. We gotta stay on his radar.
Amy Brookheimer: But we need to be in with her, too, she might win.
Dan Egan: [Picking his teeth] Yeah, well, on air, I'm gonna keep in with her. Off air, I'm telling the Nazis that she's hiding in the attic.


"Veep: Mother (#5.4)" (2016)
Jonah Ryan: You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.
Dan Egan: The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.


"Veep: Testimony (#4.9)" (2015)
Ms. Bennett: Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled the Jonad Files?
Dan Egan: Uh, no. No, ma'am.
Amy Brookheimer: No. That doesn't ring a bell.
Ms. Bennett: So it's not a word combining Jonah and gonad?
Dan Egan: Not to my knowledge.
Jonah Ryan: I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.
Mr. Rakes: In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.
Dan Egan: I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.
Mr. Rakes: Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection...
Jonah Ryan: Do we have to go through all of these?
Mr. Wallace: I'm not sure that I see the relevance.
Mr. Rakes: The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.
Mr. Wallace: Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.
Mr. Rakes: The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca.
Jonah Ryan: My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.


"Veep: Nicknames (#1.5)" (2012)
Selina Meyer: Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this?
Dan Egan: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.
Selina Meyer: That's like trying to use a croissant as a fuckin' dildo.
Dan Egan: I thought...
Selina Meyer: [interrupts] No no no, let me be more clear. It doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS! Get out of my office.
[trips on papers on the floor]
Selina Meyer: GARY!
Gary Walsh: Yes ma'am, yes ma'am!
Selina Meyer: I need something!
Gary Walsh: Okay, is there something specific?
Selina Meyer: I don't fucking know, I just need something!


"Veep: New Hampshire (#3.10)" (2014)
Mike McLintock: It's good we won Dixville Notch.
Dan Egan: It's got a population of 12, Mike.
Mike McLintock: I know, Dan, but it's famous.
Gary Walsh: Our Lord Jesus started with 12.
Ben Cafferty: Well, he didn't win New Hampshire either.