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: I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!
: [Jonah enters the VP's staff area in his usual rambunctious manner, announcing himself
] Look who it is, everybody! It's your favorite Jonah! Amy Brookheimer
: You're not even your mom's favorite Jonah, Jonah!
: [Selina and Jonah are walking down the aisle in the Eisenhower Building, with Selina's staff right behind them. Jonah is conveying to Selina what the talking points should be for her appearance in Meet the Press
] So, ma'am, POTUS would like your new chosen subject to be immigration reform. Uhhh, Americans losing jobs to illegals, etcetera. Selina Meyer
: I spoke in favor of immigration amnesty all during my primary campaign. Jonah Ryan
: [Jonah chuckles
] Well, with respect, ma'am, do you think anybody's is going to remember your primary campaign? Gary Walsh
: Ooohhh! Selina Meyer
: [Selina stops, then takes a step towards Jonah, who takes a step back and is now against the wall. Selina's staff looks on, wildly amused
] In spite of your preface, I did not detect a whole lot of respect in that question. Jonah Ryan
: You know, I meant that more as a slight against the power of recollection of the electorate, and not as an attack on the potency of your campaign. Amy Brookheimer
: Well, why didn't you say that, then? Oh, because you have the social skills of someone who was raised by wolves.
: Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!
: This is just for one term here, Jonah. You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra. Jonah Ryan
: Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three-week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan. Jeff Kane
: Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you. Jonah Ryan
: Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel. Jeff Kane
: Can I talk to you down here just a minute? Jonah Ryan
: [leaning forward
] Yeah. Jeff Kane
: Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. You are my puppet. I'd let you dance. And when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage. Now, do you or do you not understand me? Jonah Ryan
: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
: Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do. Richard Splett
: Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that. Jonah Ryan
: Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick. Richard Splett
: Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is.
: Are you here to steal the incorrectly-signed card, Gary?
: Amy is an eight. And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with see that I am eight capable, then I am going to be having sex with an eight very soon. It is intern season Gary. Gary Walsh
: Do I look like a pimp to you? Jonah Ryan
: You look exactly like a pimp.
: Mom, do you think that you could talk to Uncle Jeff for me? Ms. Ryan
: No. Jonah Ryan
: I want a job on my own merits and I think that he's the guy to get it for me.
: Someone has just flown two planes into my career.
: I can't ever forget it's about the people.
[to Catherine, who's not paying attention
] Jonah Ryan
: Are you even getting any of this? Catherine Meyer
: Getting what? Jonah Ryan
: I was looking thoughtfully out the window. Some straight up JFK level shit. Catherine Meyer
: I was just getting some B-roll of the fax machine.
: How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clit, son.
: Why couldn't you have gotten me on an international election-watching trip to Hawaii? Kent Davison
: Hawaii is rightfully a monarchy and will be again.
: It's my personality that has gotten us this far. Jeff Kane
: No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema.
: Oh, also, we got to get some eye candy in here. You know, hire some hot interns. Richard Splett
: Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of resumes from New Hampshire. One of them was a phone number on a bar napkin. Jonah Ryan
: No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for "it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes."
: You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that. Dan Egan
: The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.
: Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled the Jonad Files? Dan Egan
: Uh, no. No, ma'am. Amy Brookheimer
: No. That doesn't ring a bell. Ms. Bennett
: So it's not a word combining Jonah and gonad? Dan Egan
: Not to my knowledge. Jonah Ryan
: I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that. Mr. Rakes
: In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse. Dan Egan
: I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question. Mr. Rakes
: Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection... Jonah Ryan
: Do we have to go through all of these? Mr. Wallace
: I'm not sure that I see the relevance. Mr. Rakes
: The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise. Mr. Wallace
: Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed. Mr. Rakes
: The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca. Jonah Ryan
: My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.